“Hey babe, we’re here,” I say as I nudge her.
Her eyebrows furrow and she mumbles something incoherent.
“Come on, it shouldn’t take long. Once it’s over I’ll take you home and put you to bed,” I ply her.
“K,” she says and sits up to stretch while she yawns.
We follow security into a conference room where a pretty blonde sits. She’s wearing a pin striped business suit and looks like she could probably eat us for lunch. She stands when the door opens and takes the time to walk to each one of us and introduce herself as Jessie. Her smile is easy and confident. I’m impressed when she introduces herself to Samantha, Jessica, Meghan, Cory, Joe, and the rest of security.
Before we can even begin the interview process, she hands us each a file.
“I know how typical interviews are conducted, but I wanted to start off with what was most important since you’re all on a time crunch,” Jessie begins.
I look around the table and notice everyone seems as impressed with her as I am. She launches into an overview of the entire tour and how to make it run more smoothly and efficient. We would need to hire a few more team members, and I like that she calls them that, but it would save money in the long run and ensure everyone was taken care of. She also points out that Jessica is overworked and we need to hire a stylist for hair, makeup, and wardrobe. Jessica tells her she’s hired before Jessie can complete her sentence. She also wants to hire a medical professional to travel with us since we’re paying entirely too much for locals to stand duty at each show. She asks us how we like the catering at each venue and we admit it’s hit or miss since a local caterer is contracted to bring in the food and we have relatively no input on what we’re offered. Jessie thinks it would make the morale increase if we hire a chef, and I think I fell in love with her just now.
She runs through security concerns she has with Cory while we watch and I think I just watched him turn into a puddle. It is hilarious actually, so I pull out my phone and take pictures of him looking at her like a puppy dog. He’ll kill me later, so if I go missing you know who the most likely suspect is. Cory seems impressed with her insight though.
She also speaks with Meghan and Samantha regarding some concerns over legal and publicity. They are equally impressed, and both women agree they need to hire someone to help with the tour since they represent four bands on the bill. Makes sense.
I look across the room at Cory while those three talk about new team members and catch him staring at Jessie. I smile and his gaze turns to me. I smile even bigger and wag my eyebrows at him and nod my head in his new fascination’s direction. He flips me off, and I laugh like hell causing Jessie and everyone else to look in my direction. Cory clears his throat, so I laugh even harder.
“Behave,” Henley whispers.
“Nope,” I smile at her.
Once we hire Jessie and apologize to the other candidates for wasting their time, we give her the go ahead to hire whoever she needs. Samantha and Meghan are talking about who they will hire for the tour and I’m excited new people will be joining us. The more the merrier and the more people I have to talk to.
Before we leave I decide to fuck with Cory, so I cross the room and lean down to Jessie, take her hand and sing to her, “You are so beautiful.” Then I kiss her hand and tell her, “Welcome to our crazy family, but be careful of the bald guy over there.” I point to Cory. “He’s around Joe all the time and Joe has malaria. It’s highly contagious, so odds are Cory has it or is some kinda carrier for it which means if you get too close you might die. He’s a tough one though, they all survived the Jungle Peepers in South America. And Joe over there that mother fucker was almost eaten alive by the jungle peepers. Cory had to save his little bitch ass, so Cory is good for when you need your ass saved from cannibals.”
“Don’t start that shit again,” Joe warns.
“Shut the fuck up!” Cory says and I flip him the bird.
I smile down at Jessie and she blinks her eyes a few times as she’s taking in all that I told her. Then out of nowhere she bursts out laughing and once she recovers she looks at me with amusement.
“Your reputation proceeds you, Kip. I’m sure we’ll work well together since I love a good prank,” Jessie admits.
“You’re an angel sent from the heavens above. Can I keep her?” I ask Henley.
Jessie and Hen both laugh at me.
“Don’t you have rock star shit to do?” Cory asks gruffly.
“That’s what I’m doing!” I try to sound offended.
“Go write Henley love songs or some shit,” Cory orders.
“Bruh, I write this woman love songs every night. The tempo changes but the melody is just the same. It sounds something like this, ‘Yes mother fucker, right there big daddy. God your cock is so big’.”
Jessie bursts out laughing and I decide she’s going to fit in just well.
“You’ll do,” I say and pat her head.
***
Henley
“Shut it off,” I grumble.
“Hello?” Kip answers. “Okay. Yeah. Twenty minutes Sam. Got it. Can you bring us coffee?”
I can hear her scream through the phone, “Do I look like your bitch? Get your own fucking coffee?”
“If you had let me finish I was going to add please and tell you how beautiful you looked today,” Kip replies.
“You haven’t seen me today. I may look like shit,” Samantha says loudly.
“You never look like shit. I bet the lesbians cream their panties when you’re wearing sweat pants and have that band thingy you women wear in your hair,” Kip pours it on thick and puts her on speakerphone.
“I think I get it now,” Samantha says.
“Get what, love?”
“Why the women go crazy over you,” she answers.
“And why is that?” Kip asks with amusement in his voice.
“You’re funny, charming, talented, and hot, you have all those tattoos, and you know how to talk to a woman. It’s like you know just what to say at any given moment,” she sighs.
“Keep going,” he says.
“That’s it.”
“What do you mean that’s it?”
“That’s all the description I have of you. Don’t push it.”
“I’m sad now Samantha. I’m going to FaceTime you and show you just how sad I am.”
“Don’t do that,” she says too quickly and gives herself away.
I chuckle. Not many people can handle his sad puppy dog face.
“Why not?”
“I’m… driving.”
“FaceTiming you as we speak.”
“What kind of coffee do you fucking want?” she snaps knowing she’s been played.
He gives her our coffee orders and takes a shower while we wait for her to arrive. Kip meets Samantha at her car to help her carry the precious coffees in. We gather in the kitchen as we sip our hot beverages and wait for whatever Samantha is going to lay on us.
“Well?” I ask growing impatient of waiting on her bomb.
She smiles.
Uh. Oh.
“People Magazine has contacted me,” she begins.
“Okay?”
“Well, it appears your boyfriend has been selected as the Sexiest Man Alive for the upcoming year,” she says and takes a sip of her coffee.
Silence fills the room.
“It’s about fucking time! I mean Jag got that shit before I did. I’m the first drummer in history to get this shit! Holy shit! I’m fucking king, baby mama!” he shouts and then picks me up and spins me around.
“I’m a sexy mother fucker! The sexiest mother fucker alive!” he shouts.
“I’m going to puke,” I warn.
He sits me down, pats my head and apologizes, “My bad, baby mama.”
“You’ll have interviews and photoshoots to fulfill. This will be great publicity for both bands and the tour,” Samantha says.
> “Fuck that. This is good publicity for me! I’m the sexiest mother fucker and don’t you ever forget that shit either. From now on… yes, I think I would like to be addressed as Sir Sexy Mother Fucker. I won’t answer to anything else. Call the Queen of England bitches! I’m owning this shit!” he says with finality and slaps his hand on the kitchen counter.
“Why me?” I ask towards the heavens.
“Because you are the sexiest bitch alive so you naturally get to be with the sexiest mother fucker alive!” Kip shouts. “Samantha, you call People Magazine and tell them my cover photo shall be with me gracing a mother fucking throne!”
“Stop shouting!” I shout.
“I’m excited, my sexy little baby mama,” he says and kisses me on the cheek.
“Stop calling me baby mama. I’m not your baby mama,” I glare at him.
“Not yet. But one day you will be and our babies will be the sexiest little mother fuckers ever!” he yells. “Samantha, make sure the Queen of England knows my new status. I need to be knighted as soon as possible. I’m sure I can fit her in my schedule.”
“I need alcohol,” I mumble.
“Got shit to do ladies. If you’ll excuse me.”
“Where are you going?” I ask.
“It’s a surprise, baby mama. I’ll be back in a few hours. Deuces.”
I look at Samantha and roll my eyes, “Why did you let this happen?”
“Let it happen? This is great!”
“Do you live with him?” I ask her.
“Fuck no. I’d kill him, and I like to have more than a limited wardrobe selection of orange jumpsuits.”
“Call People and tell them they were mistaken, or he doesn’t accept. Tell them he’s too humble of a person to receive this title,” I attempt.
She bursts into laughter, “Yeah right. Kip… humble. It’s a done deal, baby mama.”
“Fuck you.”
***
Kip
I call Rhys when I’ve bought everything I will need at the hardware store.
“Yeah?” he answers.
“Your mama didn’t teach you how to answer the phone, bruh?”
“What the fuck do you want?”
“Your mama didn’t teach you any manners.”
“Bruh.”
“Come over to the house. I’ll be there in twenty.”
“What for?” he asks.
“Epic shit.”
“10-4,” he says and disconnects.
I pull my truck up to the front porch and begin unloading the wood and tools. Rhys arrives not long after me and helps me transfer everything to the porch which we’ll use as our workspace.
“What are you doing?” Hen asks.
“Building epic shit,” I answer.
“You care to explain?” she asks.
“Not yet. It’s a surprise. Where’s Cash?” I ask.
“Inside asleep.”
“I need to measure him while he’s sitting up.”
“Uh… ok?”
I kiss her on the cheek, “Epic surprise, love.”
“Right.”
I shoo her inside and get to work on my project.
“You’re fucking kidding me right?” Rhys asks.
“Not kidding. I am People’s Sexiest Man Alive for next year,” I advise.
“Fuck. Well, now it makes total sense.”
“Epic, bruh.”
“Fuckin’ A.”
We work tirelessly building the masterpieces I have in mind. I take a break to measure Cash who is refusing to wake up from his nap. With some words of encouragement and finally a snack we get him to stay in a sitting position long enough to measure his big ass. Once we’re done he sneezes on me and goes back to napping on the couch with a grumble. He lives the life.
“Hen!” I yell for my woman.
“What?”
I find her in the kitchen cooking. Shit smells good.
“What you cooking?” I ask and lean over her shoulder where I plant my chin.
“Buffalo chicken chili,” she answers. “Here taste.”
I devour the spoonful she offers me.
“God damn, baby mama. That shit is to die for,” I compliment.
“Rhys staying for dinner?”
“I’m sure he is when he smells that. Your brothers are coming over too.”
“K.”
I gently grab a handful of that ass and kiss the place behind her ear, “Love you.”
“Love you too Sir Sexy Mother Fucker.”
“Damn straight.”
Once her brothers arrive, Rhys and I are putting the finishing touches on my project.
“Kip, what the fuck you doin’ bruh?” Koi asks.
I don’t answer to Kip anymore, but he’ll need to learn the hard way like usual.
“Bruh?” he calls out.
“He only answers to Sir Sexy Mother Fucker from now on,” Rhys announces.
“I’m not calling you that shit,” Memphis says.
“Then you will not speak to Sir Sexy Mother Fucker,” Rhys retorts.
“You’re going to call him that shit?” Koi asks.
“Sure am. Sir Sexy Mother Fucker is tame compared to what you would call me if I got People’s sexiest man alive,” Rhys answers.
“Sir Sexy Mother Fucker,” Koi calls out.
“Yes? How may I help you?” I ask.
“You’re an idiot,” he says.
“Maybe, but I’m a sexy mother fucker who’s fucking your sister.”
Koi lunges forward and Rhys and Memphis get in between us.
“Take it back,” Koi demands.
“Take what back?”
“That you fuck my sister,” he answers.
“But I do fuck your sister. I wouldn’t lie about something that important.”
“Take it back! I don’t like the way it sounded at all you fucking asshole!”
“Not taking it back, bruh. I like fucking your sister.”
Koi pushes us all forward.
“Jesus Christ, would you quit fucking taunting him?” Rhys asks.
“What the fuck is wrong with y’all?” Hen asks as she steps onto the porch.
“Tell him to take it back, Hen,” Koi says.
“Take what back?” she asks.
“He said he was fucking my sister,” Koi replies.
“Why would he take that back? He is fucking your sister,” she states.
“You can’t say shit like that to a man,” Koi advises.
“You can’t ask a man to take that shit back, not when your sister is so fucking hot,” I say.
“I’m going to murder you when we get back on the bus,” Koi threatens.
“Murder is not cool man. Why in the fuck would you say something like that? The punishment has to fit the crime. I kill someone then you kill me. I say I like raw dog fucking your sister, then you can’t kill me. You have to make the punishment fit the crime. Everybody knows that!” I shout not liking the talk of murdering someone as awesome as me.
“Raw dog fucking? You fuck my sister bare?” Koi asks.
Memphis waves his arms in the air, “No! I do not want to fucking know that shit. Bruh, why the fuck would you ask him that? Does Hen ask the bitches you fuck if you wore a condom? No. She does not. Dude I’m nauseous. I can’t talk about Sir Sexy Mother Fucker fucking my sister anymore. It’s weird.”
“It’s not weird at all. It’s so fucking hot,” I begin.
“Enough!” Memphis shouts.
“Especially when…”
“DO NOT FUCKING SAY IT!” Koi yells.
“She pops that ass on my dick,” I finish saying as I thrust my pelvis back and forth.
Henley chuckles.
“I’m going to tea bag you every chance I get,” Koi says.
Henley chuckles some more.
“Bruh, you got video?” Rhys asks.
“Absolutely,” I answer.
&
nbsp; “It’s hot,” Henley says.
“I vomited in my mouth,” Memphis grumbles.
“On that note, dinner is served!” Henley smiles and I follow her pretty ass into the house.
***
After dinner, Memphis helps Henley with the dishes while I put the finishing touches on my work of genius. When Rhys and I are satisfied with our work we search out Hen and Cash.
“Hen!” Rhys yells.
“Yeah?”
“It’s ready, love.”
“What is?” she asks as she rounds the corner.
“Our work of art,” I answer.
“Cover your eyes,” Rhys orders.
She covers her eyes as we guide her to the front porch.
“Okay look,” Rhys tells her.
“Behold! A throne fit for a queen and her king, and well a furry prince!” I announce with my arm outstretched.
She blinks a few times, “You built thrones.”
“I built us thrones.”
“You’re fucking crazy. You know that?”
“Yeah,” I smile. “It’s awesome isn’t it?”
She smiles, “Most days.”
“Sit woman,” I order and hold her hand as she tries out the throne I built for her.
“It needs cushions,” she says. “A queen would have cushions.”
“It does need cushions. I’ve already asked your grandma to make them. Shit will be ready tomorrow.”
“Your crazy is kinda awesome. Where are we putting the chairs?” she asks.
“I think we should build a platform in the living room so when people come over they can bring us offerings of the things we like. We’ll be above them so they’ll know to show respect and pay homage each time they visit.”
Guitar Face Series Box Set: Books 1-4 Page 105