He swiveled around and faced her. “I’d rather eat now.”
“But I don’t think we—”
“And I told you we’ve got enough time.” His blue eyes narrowed on hers. “Look, I wouldn’t go that way if I didn’t think that we could make it.”
She scanned the hard line of his jaw, the implacable set to his shoulders, and realized she couldn’t convince him. He was determined to protect her, even at his own expense.
She huffed out her breath. “Fine.” So she would bolt down some food and act refreshed so they could get back on the trail. And then somehow, she would hike like a maniac to that clearing.
Cade lowered himself to the grass in front of a rock, his face tightening when he jostled his arm. Jordan joined him, careful to keep the dog between them, particularly with the memory of that kiss so fresh.
She pulled the remaining cheese and salami from her bag, then considered the orange. “How long will it take us to get there?”
“We’ll make it by nightfall.”
The finality in his voice plucked at her nerves. What happened if they hiked too slowly? She tightened her grip on the orange. “So we don’t have to make this food last?”
“Probably not, but we’ll save a can of tuna just in case.” He pulled the other can from his PG bag, along with his canteen.
She scanned what remained of their food. “You want the rest of the sandwich?”
“Go ahead. I’ll eat the tuna.”
The distance in his voice made her frown. Was he that worried about the fire, or just determined to ignore the kiss?
Either way, she should be grateful. Better to treat it as a moment of insanity and forget it.
She reached over and popped the pull-top on the can of tuna. “Why don’t I put the tuna on bread? It’ll be easier for you to eat that way.”
“All right.” He leaned against the rock and closed his eyes. Fatigue hardened the planes of his face, along with deep lines of tension.
Just how close was that fire?
Her nerves drumming, she split the remaining bread into quarters. Glad to have an activity to distract her, she heaped the tuna on one piece and made a
sandwich for Cade, then piled the cheese and salami on her own. Despite her intentions, her thoughts kept sliding from the fire to that kiss, and her nerves wound even higher.
She tossed the dog a chunk of salami. “Do you mind if I give Dusty your beef jerky?”
“Go ahead.” He opened his eyes and took the sandwich. His gaze landed on the dog, and his expression turned thoughtful. “You know,” he said, “that mutt was damned lucky. That cat could have torn him apart.”
“I know.” A spasm clenched her throat at the memory. She’d been terrified that she couldn’t save him. And when that cat had prepared to leap…
Her hand trembling, she reached out to the dog and stroked the soft gray fur between his ears. His golden eyes lifted to hers, and she felt the tug to her heart. “It was close, wasn’t it, Dusty?” Far too close. She never wanted to feel that fear again.
She gave him a final pat, filled his water bowl and fed him the jerky. Then she settled back against the rock to eat her sandwich. The stale bread had the texture of tree bark, but she devoured it anyway.
“Jordan.” Cade’s low tone pricked at her nerves. She met his gaze, and dread trickled into her gut. She’d never seen him look so serious.
“I meant what I said back there. It could get dangerous up on that mountain. Fire behavior can get extreme. And if it blows up, it happens fast. The conditions can change in seconds.” His blue eyes stayed steady on hers. “So if I tell you to do something, I need to know that you’ll listen. Even if it means leaving the dog.”
She made an anguished sound. Leave the dog? And let him die? Her gaze fell to his furry face and her heart cramped even tighter. No way. She could never leave him behind.
Not even if it cost them their lives?
Her stomach balled in a surge of panic. Cade didn’t know what he was asking. She pulled Dusty to her lap and hugged him, and buried her face in his fur. She couldn’t fail this dog. He trusted her. He depended on her to get him to safety.
But she’d seen that blaze up close—the roiling smoke, the thundering flames. Fire streaming and exploding through trees.
“I’m serious,” Cade said. “Our survival could depend on how fast we move.”
Feeling shredded inside, she raised her gaze to his. And for an endless moment, she just looked at him, absorbing his strength and resolve.
And a deep sense of certainty filled her. No matter what had happened in their past or how he felt about her now, this man would do anything to protect her. She could trust him with her life.
She had to, because each time she’d ignored his directions, she’d caused more problems. So far, she’d only delayed them, and acquired some bruises and scrapes. Next time, she could get them both killed.
And no matter how wrenching it would be to leave the dog, she couldn’t endanger Cade. “I understand,” she whispered.
“Good.”
She dragged her gaze back to the dog. But their situation would have to get extremely dire before she abandoned him. And she wouldn’t let it reach that point. She’d hike like a demon to that clearing so they could outrun that fire.
Resolved now, she polished off the last of her sandwich and leaned back, pretending to rest. It wasn’t hard. In fact, she had to fight the urge to sleep. The dry breeze swished through the weeds beside the trail, its hypnotic murmur sedating. Insects droned in the rising heat, lulling her into closing her eyes.
Determined to stay awake, she jerked her eyes back open. Then she brushed the dirt off her torn jeans and grimaced. God, she was filthy. What she wouldn’t give for a shower and bed. A moan rose in her throat at the thought.
Cade reached for his canteen. “How’s your shoulder?” she asked.
“Could be worse.”
Or better, she suspected. He tapped several ibuprofen onto his thigh, tossed them into his mouth and chased them down with water. His Adam’s apple dipped as he drank.
Her gaze slid down his whiskered throat, over the sinewy cords of his neck, to the makeshift sling cradling his arm. She felt a spurt of admiration. God, he was stoic. He had to feel worse than she did. He’d jumped from a plane, battled the fire and been crushed by a burning tree. Then he’d forded a river, tramped over the mountain, and stopped a predator from attacking. Yet he managed to keep himself going.
And if he could do it, so could she. “You ready to go?” she asked.
“In a minute.” He passed her the canteen, then leaned back and closed his eyes.
“Mind if I take one of your pills?”
“Help yourself.”
Deciding one wouldn’t do, she shook three from the plastic vial and gulped them down. With a sigh, she recapped the canteen. Even warm, the water eased her dry throat. Now if she could only close her eyes…But she didn’t dare. She’d fall asleep in seconds and not budge again for hours.
Unfortunately, that didn’t give her much to do except look at Cade. Her gaze traveled over his familiar, handsome face. Dirt streaked his temples. A two-day growth of beard lined his lean jaw. Her pulse hummed. In all her life, she’d never seen a sexier man.
Without warning, he opened his eyes. His gaze seared into hers and her breath jammed. Her heart stilled, as if trapped by that heated stare, and she couldn’t look away.
And the memory of that kiss swept through her. The frantic hunger, the clawing need. The pulsing surge of desire.
His hot eyes narrowed on hers. “So, who are you engaged to?” he asked.
Thrown by that question, she sucked in her breath. She couldn’t lie to Cade, nor did she want to. They’d had too many misunderstandings in the past. They needed honesty now.
“No one, actually,” she admitted. She lifted her hand. “Phil asked me. He’s a guy I’ve dated for a couple of years, but I…I haven’t made up my mind.”
His g
aze held hers for a long moment, but she couldn’t read his expression. Then he stood. “Why not?”
Good question. Ignoring her protesting body, she rose to her feet and gathered their trash. “No reason. I guess I just needed time. He’s a great guy. Steady, dependable.”
Like a dog.
Their gazes latched. Cade’s accusation hung in the air between them. He lifted his brows, as if daring her to deny it.
Her face hot, she jerked her gaze away. She snatched up her bag and grabbed Dusty’s leash, but questions crowded her mind.
Was Cade right? Was she expecting too much from a man? Was she wrong to want her husband to stay home?
Phil wouldn’t think so. He never felt the need to roam, and he certainly never sought out risky adventures. His idea of a thrill was cramming in an extra round of golf before the evening sprinklers came on. And he’d gladly spend nights at her side.
But Phil had never kissed her like that.
“We need to head back down the road a half mile, then cut across the valley,” Cade said. “We’ll look for a game trail to follow.”
“All right.” Grateful for the change of subject, she quickly fell in beside him. But as she tramped along, trying to ignore her blisters and aches, she faced another harsh fact. If she married Phil, she’d never feel that excitement again. The only man who created that havoc was Cade.
And why was that? She loved Phil, didn’t she? Frowning, she skirted a rut in the trail. Of course she loved him. Their relationship was just more mature, based on stability and respect.
Boredom?
Doubt slowed her steps. No, that wasn’t true. Of course Phil didn’t bore her. He relaxed her, sure, but wasn’t that better than a roller-coaster relationship filled with extreme highs and lows? It was certainly easier on her nerves.
But if she loved Phil, then why did Cade affect her so strongly? Was it just lust? A heavy dose of sexual chemistry? Or something deeper?
That thought stopped her cold. Cade glanced back, and she hurried to catch up. Panic raced through her chest. She couldn’t still love Cade. No, absolutely not. Loving him meant months of loneliness, reliving the misery of her childhood, being forever left behind.
Besides, she hardly knew him anymore. She’d changed since their divorce. She’d become more independent, more focused on reality, and Cade had probably changed, too.
She slid a glance at his rugged profile, and the cold truth slammed through her heart. Despite the passing years, he hadn’t changed that much. He was still the amazing man she’d married. Generous and strong, brave and exciting—and unable to stay home every night.
Unless…Her breath hitched. Was there a chance he’d reconsider? That he’d give up his smokejumping job? Especially now that he was injured….
They reached the end of the mining fence, where the trail switched back and sloped downhill. She cleared her throat, not sure how to broach the delicate subject. “So, are your parents still living on their ranch?” she finally asked.
For a moment, he didn’t answer. A Steller’s jay squawked in the silence and the pine boughs creaked overhead.
Then he glanced at her, and she saw pain in his eyes. “They died in a car wreck a few years back. They hit a deer and ran off the road.”
Oh, God. “I’m sorry. That must have been awful.”
“Yeah.” Tension carved grooves around his mouth, and he looked away. They hadn’t been close; she knew that much. She’d met them once when they’d come to Missoula, and they’d seemed anxious to leave. But no matter how strained the relationship, losing a parent was hard.
Regret formed an ache in her chest. She wished she could have been there to help him, to comfort him in his grief. Knowing Cade, he’d shouldered the stark pain alone.
She reached out her hand to touch him, to let him know that she cared, but then she paused. He wouldn’t welcome her solace, not anymore.
And strangely enough, that hurt. She dropped her hand to her side. “So who runs the ranch?”
“A neighbor. I sold it after they died.”
Her heart dipped. “You didn’t think that someday, I mean, after you’d smokejumped awhile, that you might want to go back?”
“I told you, I hated that place.”
“I know, but…” She understood that when he was young, the ranch had made him feel trapped, but surely he’d matured since then. And he loved working outdoors. Why wouldn’t he want his own land?
For several moments, neither spoke. They continued down the dusty trail, their long strides evenly matched. The dog trotted quietly beside them.
Finally, Cade slanted her a glance. “Look, you said that growing up, you had trouble fitting in.”
“Yes.” She sighed. “Maybe if I’d been more outgoing, it would have been different. But it was hard for me to make friends.”
Which was why she resisted change now.
She blinked at that sudden insight. Was that true? Did she cling to security? Was she so afraid of rejection that she avoided doing anything new?
And was that why she’d chosen Phil? Out of convenience? She cringed. Good God, she’d turned into a coward. She’d nearly married a man she didn’t love because he felt safe.
“I didn’t fit in, either,” Cade admitted.
Still shocked by her revelation, she forced her attention to Cade. “You mean on the ranch?”
“Anywhere,” he said. “In school, in town. I felt like I was in prison. When I was a kid, I’d stand on Main Street, at the end where the highway started, just wanting to bust out so bad. To get on that highway and go. I thought I’d explode if I couldn’t leave.”
Her heart softened at the image of that restless, frustrated boy.
“But living on that ranch was pure hell,” he continued. “It sucked the life right out of me. I wanted freedom, change. Something different to do every day instead of working that same patch of ground.
“No one understood that I was different.” He shook his head. “Or maybe my old man did but he just didn’t approve. Maybe that’s what made him so angry—knowing I’d never come back, that he couldn’t control me or make me live out his dream.”
“Because you had your own dream to follow,” she said, her throat thick.
“Yeah.” He stopped in the rutted road. She paused beside him, and lifted her gaze to his. And saw the truth in those gorgeous blue eyes. The stark, unguarded truth. Straight down to the core of the man.
“Smokejumping’s not just a job,” he said. “It’s everything to me. It’s who I am.”
Dread rolled through her belly. “But you can’t do it forever.”
“Close enough.”
“Even if you’re injured?”
His jaw turned rigid, his gaze hard. “I’m fine. My collarbone’s cracked, that’s all. It’s not going to stop me for long.”
“But…” She searched his eyes and saw his resolve. He was determined to keep on jumping. But desire alone couldn’t make him invincible.
“I know you don’t want to quit,” she said carefully. “But what if you had to? What if something bad happened?”
“Then I’d join a hotshot crew and work from the ground, or learn to fly and drop retardant. I don’t know. But I’d find some way to hang around this world. This is where I belong.”
“I see.” And, at last, she did. After a childhood of not fitting in, he’d found acceptance, respect, a place where he finally felt right.
A sick, sinking sensation pooled in her gut. And she understood something else now. He didn’t jump for the adrenaline rush. He did it because he had to feel free—a feeling that was as vital to him as breathing.
A regular job would do more than bore him; it would crush his soul.
Which meant that the one thing she needed most—that he give up smokejumping—was exactly what he could never do.
Chapter 10
Jordan limped along the trail in the midday heat, reeling from her revelation about Cade. So he wasn’t the thrill-seeker she’d though
t. Her entire perception had been skewed—which meant that she’d misjudged this man badly. And now she had to rethink the past, their marriage, even herself in this new light.
And she might have to admit she’d been wrong.
Unease fluttered through her chest, but she ruthlessly tamped it down. No matter how uncomfortable she felt, she had to get at the truth. She had to peel back those protective layers and take a hard, frank look at the past—and her own role in it.
That was why she’d come to Montana. She’d expected to find validation, to prove she’d been right to leave Cade. Instead, she’d realized she didn’t love Phil. That kiss had blasted that illusion, cracking open the door on the truth.
And she couldn’t shrink from the rest of it, even if she didn’t like what she found out.
And a big part of facing that truth was telling Cade about the miscarriage. He deserved to know about his lost child. She never should have kept that secret.
Guilt blocked her throat at the thought.
“Hold up a minute.” Cade stopped and glanced around. “I want to check the map.”
“All right.” She paused and shifted her weight from her tender ankle, then bent down to pet the dog. She’d behaved badly, all right. She’d fled Montana and ended their marriage, wounding the man she had loved. And when she told him why she left, she would hurt him even more.
Her throat thick, she brushed the dirt from Dusty’s coat, and rubbed the soft fur on his head. He whined softly, gazing up with those trusting eyes, and tension slid from her heart. It wouldn’t erase her guilt or change the past, but now she had a chance to do something right. She could finally tell Cade the whole truth.
But not here. Not with the fire this close. She’d wait until the danger had passed and he had time to listen.
Cade struggled to open his map, and she quickly rose to help him. “Here, let me get that.” She grabbed the ends and held them steady.
“Thanks.” His blond brows furrowed as he studied the map. Sunlight filtered through the whispering pines, highlighting the tips of his lashes. Darker bristles shadowed his jaw beneath his hard hat.
Facing The Fire Page 11