“What difference does that make?” I muttered. “No one’s ever loved me anyway, Darcy.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” she snapped, shaking my arm like she wanted me to realise what I’d done. But I already had realised. And it was too late to change it even if I wanted to.
“It wasn’t like I had long to decide,” I said, releasing a slow breath. “All I know is that I was suddenly standing there being asked to choose a man who’s hurt me time after time. Who tried to drown me and tormented me and… It doesn’t even matter now.”
“It does,” Darcy insisted.
“Why didn’t he just apologise before then?” I asked, tears burning the backs of my eyes. “If I’d known that he felt bad for it, that he even gave the littlest bit of a shit about everything he’d done to me then maybe I could have made another choice.”
“He never said anything to you when you hooked up with him?” Darcy asked softly.
“Nothing about that. He told me he’s obsessed with me and that he wants to lay claim to me, but that’s not love. It’s infatuation at best. Like I was some challenge he wanted to conquer or a prize to win. Why should I have to agree to that?” The bite in my voice was bitter and harsh and entirely forced and I knew that she could tell. But it was all I had. Because if I gave in to the pain of this heartache then I had no idea how dark it might be within it.
“Maybe you should talk to him,” Darcy suggested weakly because she knew it wouldn’t make any difference just as well as I did. The decision had been made. There was no going back. Talking with him wouldn’t change it.
“I don’t imagine he wants to talk to me,” I said, turning away from her to look out at the cloud filled sky.
“I saw him at Lance’s place, he seemed…I don’t think he’s doing so well…”
A raw slice of pain cut into me at that knowledge. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him. I’d just wanted to be free. Free of fate or destiny or the stars. Free to choose my own life and live it how I wanted, not how I was told to.
“It’s got to be worth trying to talk to him…” Darcy pushed.
“He won’t want to talk to me,” I insisted.
“I’m sure he can understand why you made the choice you did. And perhaps if you talk then you could try and figure out a way to-”
“It’s worse than that,” I muttered, the reality of what I’d done last night burning through me. “Caleb messaged me after it had happened and I… I don’t even know why, but I was just hurting so much and I wanted to try and forget about it. To try and prove that I could feel something for someone else and the stars couldn’t rob me of that…”
“Oh, Tory…” Darcy breathed and I could tell she was disappointed in me. Hell, I was disappointed in myself. I’d literally fallen back on the same old habits I’d always used to distract myself from my problems. And to make it worse, Caleb was one of Darius’s closest friends. I hadn’t planned it, I hadn’t meant to do it, but I’d been drowning when he messaged me, burning up in pain and heartache and I’d just felt so alone. It had been selfish and stupid and it had only really made me feel worse, like I was betraying Darius somehow despite the fact that I’d never been his in the first place. Was that how it would be for the rest of my life? Any time I was with anyone else I’d be thinking of him, feeling like I was in the wrong just because I’d wanted to choose my own fate?
“Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t deserve happiness,” I said. “Maybe Darius deserves better than me.”
“Of course he doesn’t,” Darcy growled. “He had every opportunity to change the way he treated you. He had every chance to apologise if he felt as strongly about you as he claimed to. I understand why you made the decision you did.”
“But you don’t agree with it?”
Silence stretched between us and Darcy drew me into her arms. I buried my face against her shoulder and the tears slid free of my hold on them as I gave in again.
My aching heart felt a little less frayed as I held her, though in no way healed.
“It’s not that I don’t agree,” she whispered. “It’s just…I can’t bear the idea that you’re cursed now. That you’ll never have love because of this. Because of him.”
“Well, he wanted to break me. So I guess he got his wish.”
Darcy shook her head, but she couldn’t really deny it. This pain which had carved its way into my heart when I’d refused him was only growing sharper. I didn’t expect it to heal any time soon. In fact, I didn’t expect it to heal at all.
I’d wanted to choose my own fate and this was what I’d decided on. So I was just going to have to live with it.
Darcy pulled me into the bed with her and we curled up beneath the covers together like we used to when we were little kids. She didn’t ask me anything else about it because there wasn’t anything more that I could say. And I just tried to take what comfort I could from the only love I’d ever know.
***
I emerged from the shower with dripping wet hair and a dripping wet mood. I couldn’t help it. This ache in me wasn’t going away and thinking of anything other than Darius Acrux was proving to be damn near impossible.
Darcy was sitting on my bed and she looked up from her Atlas as I walked into the middle of the room with a towel wrapped around me.
“Orion?” I guessed as her Atlas pinged and the corner of her mouth curled up with that secret kind of smile which said she was lighting up from the inside out.
“I just feel like I have to keep checking he’s okay and he’s teasing me about it,” she said, lowering her Atlas like she was going to put it away.
“Don’t do that,” I said, waving at the thing. “My choice with Darius has nothing to do with you and Orion. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to hide your happiness from me.”
“I don’t think that,” she replied, but the tension around her eyes betrayed the truth and I sighed.
We’d been hiding out in my room all day. Darcy snuck out to find snacks at lunch time and she’d been keeping an eye on FaeBook too. Clearly no one had seen Darius yet either as there’d been no stories emerging about us, but they’d come. I couldn’t hide in here forever. And I wouldn’t.
Today, all of the students who went home for Christmas had returned to the academy in time for classes to resume tomorrow and there was a start of term dinner being held in The Orb.
Geraldine had been texting us all day, double checking what time we were arriving and what we were going to be wearing as if it was a damn royal occasion. I’d been letting Darcy handle the replies. In all honesty, I hadn’t dared touch my own Atlas. I couldn’t face the idea of finding a message from Darius there. Or worse, not finding one.
“Geraldine has suggested we wear pink,” Darcy said mildly and I forced myself to snort a laugh.
Beneath the flow of water in the shower, I’d let the shadows have me. They’d swept me up and stolen my pain and I’d coated my skin in a layer of darkness before I’d banished them again. Every time I did it, it got easier. And it felt a little better too. I knew their call was addictive, but I was too focused on our end goal to care. I needed to master them. I needed to be able to wield them better than anyone else. Better than Orion or Darius and especially better than Lionel. He had the Shadow Princess with him now and we still didn’t know what that meant. But I was sure it couldn’t be a good thing for us. And I had to admit that escaping my pain and sinking into the shadows for a while was a welcome relief even if it came with risks.
“Fine. Let’s wear pink,” I agreed.
“I told her we’d go with red. I’ve already been eyeing up that cute skirt in your closet and I think you should wear this dress.”
I looked over at her as she presented the dress to me. I’d bought it before Halloween with vague thoughts of a devil costume coming together before my Pegasus master plan occurred to me. It was short and low cut and kinda screamed I-wanna-get-laid which I definitely didn’t need to do again anytime soon.
“You don’t thin
k it’s a bit much for dinner at The Orb?” I asked.
“Look, Tor, I don’t wanna freak you out or anything but you know that people aren’t just going to accept the fact that you and Darius are Star Crossed now like it’s nothing. There’s going to be questions and pointing and photos which will most definitely get leaked to the press and if you don’t wanna look like the girl who just had her heart crushed, then…”
I sighed, accepting the dress and smiling at Darcy as she moved forward to do my hair and makeup for me. I never would have asked for the TLC, but she knew when I needed it most and a twin pamper session was clearly in order right now for both of us. Orion might have turned out to be okay, but she’d still had one hell of a fright and I knew it was killing her that she couldn’t be with him now. I was half tempted to claim the fucking throne just so that I could change the law about student teacher relationships and set them free.
We took our time getting ready and Darcy didn’t even mention the fact that I was clearly stalling as I slowly applied eyeliner to my newly black-ringed eyes. The makeup made my Star Crossed mark stand out even more which was why I’d decided to do it. I needed to rip the band aid off, head out there with my resting bitch face firmly in place and let the nosey motherfuckers at this academy say whatever the fuck they wanted about it right away. Then it could become yesterday’s news and I could move the hell on with my life. Easy. Or not so much, but I was going to front it out like a trooper come hell or high water.
When I finally gave in to the inevitable and stood to leave, Darcy caught my hands in hers and stopped me.
“What do you want me to tell people about this?” she asked, her gaze skipping between my eyes uncertainly as she took in the difference.
I was finding the change to my eyes to be one of the hardest parts in this. Not because of any dumb vanity reasons, but because now Darcy wasn’t my identical twin anymore. I mean, sure, our hair had been different for ages and we wore pretty different clothes half the time, but that was all superficial. A quick dye job and a set of matching outfits and no one would have ever been able to tell the difference between us…until now.
“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head so that the loose curls she’d given me danced across my spine. “Tell them nothing. They can figure it the fuck out for themselves. I’ll give our friends a basic explanation and that’s it. I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks anyway.”
Darcy’s eyes watered like her heart was breaking for me and I lifted my chin as I fought off the urge to fall weeping into her arms. I was the one who’d chosen this. I didn’t get to cry and pout about it like I was so hard done by. I’d always lived with the consequences of my actions before and I didn’t intend to stop now.
I gave her a tight smile then reached out to grab my Atlas. I couldn’t leave this room without checking to see if he’d messaged me. I just couldn’t.
The first thing that popped up on the screen was my horoscope from this morning and I sighed as I tapped on it.
Good morning, Gemini.
The stars have spoken about your day!
Today marks the start of a new chapter in your life where you will learn to tread the path less wandered. It’s time to face the consequences of your actions and find out if you can survive the fallout or not. You may come to blows with a Leo today, but take heart, if you travel the road of least resistance then you can avoid a collision altogether. However, the stars are feeling vexed with you and you may find your luck on a downward spiral for some time to come.
“Brilliant,” I muttered, flipping my Atlas around to show Darcy and she scanned it quickly.
“Well, it says you can avoid coming to blows with a Leo so it sounds like you don’t have to argue with him at least.”
“Yeah, if I travel the road of least resistance which I’d guess means avoiding him altogether. And that sounds great, aside from the fact that I live in the same building as him, attend classes with him, eat my meals in the same place as him and have a political future surrounding that fucking throne which will clearly tangle me up with him for the rest of my life. Not to mention our cosy little shadow lessons.” I sighed, turning back to my Atlas so that Darcy didn’t have to dignify that pouty rant with a response, but her hand landed on my arm all the same and she gave me a little squeeze.
There were several messages from Geraldine and Sofia, a few mentions in newspaper articles which I didn’t read beyond the headlines (there were very mixed accounts of the Nymph attack at the palace over Christmas and depending on what you read, we’d either saved the day or come really damn close to causing everyone’s deaths. The only thing all the papers could agree on was us being Phoenixes and we’d had more than a few requests for interviews and photoshoots about that). Nothing from Darius. But what did I expect anyway?
I sighed again, wondering if I was going to make a habit out of making pathetic little noises like that, and locked my Atlas before painting on a smile for Darcy. She was wearing a tight red skirt and a cute black top with roses printed on it. She didn’t look like her whole world had almost fallen apart last night and I hoped I didn’t either.
“Let’s go,” I said, kicking my stilettos on and heading for the door.
Darcy moved to my side as I hesitated with my fingers on the door handle, but what was I going to do, hide in my room forever? No. That just wasn’t me. When I’d gotten out of the hospital after my ex, Zane, had left me to drown in his car, I’d headed on over to his house, cut the crotch out of all of his pants, piled all his favourite things in his front yard, doused it in lighter fluid and set the whole thing blazing the moment he’d shown up. The asshole had the cheek to call me a crazy whore as he dove in to rescue his shit and I just flipped him off and went right on back to my old routine of walking past his house every day on my way to school. I never let it show that I had nightmares about that crash and spent weeks waking up screaming as I dreamed of drowning. Never chose a different route to take to school despite the way my heart raced and palms grew slick every time I passed by his house. Never said a word to him again no matter how many times he’d tried to get my attention. Because fuck him, fuck letting him have my pain. Fuck letting him make me walk a different way and fuck talking to him when he never once even attempted to apologise and never even showed up at the hospital to check I wasn’t dead.
So I’d had plenty of practice at facing down my demons. I had an excellent poker face. And I refused to let a single person see me bleed for Darius Acrux.
We headed out of my room and passed through Ignis house without meeting anyone. We were late and apparently the start of term dinner was a big deal. My Atlas and Darcy’s were both blowing up with messages from the Ass Club asking how long we’d be and I left it to her to reply.
As we drew closer to The Orb, the sound of music and excited voices raised in laughter reached us and my pulse started pounding. I licked my blood red lips, glad to have a thick layer of war paint to hide behind as we closed in on what I could only think of as one of the circles of hell.
I guess it would be naïve to hope that no one will notice.
Darcy’s fingers brushed mine but she didn’t take my hand, knowing I needed to face this alone.
I offered her a tight smile to let her know I appreciated the gesture and she nodded in return.
Just as we reached the door to The Orb, it swung open and my breath caught in my throat as we came face to face with Max and Seth.
None of us said anything, but their eyes locked on mine like they’d been hoping not to see the black rings there.
I bit my tongue, waiting to see what they’d say to me and bracing myself for the harshness of their words, but they didn’t come.
Max’s face pinched as he looked at me and I knew that he was feeling my pain with his gifts. I didn’t even have the energy to try and block him out.
Seth whimpered softly, reaching out to brush his fingers down my arm in a comforting gesture and I was so shocked by it that I didn’t even flinch away.
An achingly long moment passed between the four of us then Max stepped aside, holding the door wide so that we could head in.
“Thank you,” I breathed as we stepped around them and I wasn’t even sure if my thanks were for the door or the lack of assholiness they’d offered me.
I hesitated as we moved into the crowded space of The Orb which had been decorated like a winter wonderland complete with icicles hanging all over the ceiling and frost coating every surface.
Before the door swung shut behind me, I caught a few of Seth’s words. “Do you think he’s going to show up?”
“I have no fucking idea,” Max growled in a low tone and the door closed between us before I could hear anymore. But even that had my heart pounding. It sounded like Darius wasn’t here. Which was a good thing. Or was it? I didn’t even know anymore.
Darcy led the way through the crowd to the Ass Club and I tried not to feel like I was walking to my execution as I followed her.
People moved aside for us, some calling out greetings but none of them looked closely enough to notice my eyes until I passed Marguerite.
“What the-” She snatched my arm and whirled me around so she could look at me in her sparkly silver dress. Her red hair fell all around her pretty face and she didn’t even look hateful, just shocked.
I pulled my arm out of her grasp and dove back into the sea of bodies before she could ask the question, but the whispers started up behind me as I went and the news began to spread.
“Come hither my queens!” Geraldine’s voice rose above the crowd and I spotted her raised up over everyone as she stood on a chair and waved enthusiastically.
She was dressed in a puffy pink skirt and a blue crop top which barely managed to contain her huge breasts.
“We have gathered a delectable feast of the most glorious food! You must pop a cheesy ball in your mouth and give it a jolly good suck. And don’t forget to dip your dunkers in the creamy-”
Geraldine fell silent as her gaze zeroed in on my eyes, her lips popping open. She raised a trembling finger and started to shake her head in a hopeless kind of denial.
Zodiac Academy 5: Cursed Fates: An Academy Bully Romance (Supernatural Bullies and Beasts) Page 8