Chapter Eight
Thomas came inside just as Anna had finished cooking. It was really a simple meal - chicken, potatoes, vegetables - but it had the house smelling wonderful. Even Anna found herself hungry as she cooked, something that rarely happened. She loved being in Thomas’s kitchen and she loved that Thomas worked hard enough to provide such enjoyable ingredients.
When Thomas entered the kitchen, Anna heard the thud of his boots and turned to see him again.
Sweaty and dirty, he looked amazing.
His eyes were a little weary, but his muscles were still strong, like pieces of iron tucked into his skin.
“Hello,” Anna said, hoping she wouldn’t fall over this time.
Thomas was going to be her husband, she’d have to learn to speak to him, right?
“Everything smells good,” Thomas said. “I was going to talk to you about supper...”
“It’s okay,” Anna said. “Jo fed Thomas Jr. and put him down for a nap.”
Thomas nodded. “Thank you.”
“I held Thomas Jr. for a minute,” Anna said. “But he cried.”
Thomas’s face dropped. His eyes diverted elsewhere, and Anna felt uncomfortable.
“It’s ready to be enjoyed,” Anna said. With her hands on her hips, she forced a smile and then nodded to the meal.
“Good,” Thomas said. “I’m hungry.”
Anna then stared at Thomas, wondering where the man in the letters was. This version of Thomas stood quiet and reserved. Maybe Anna’s presence brought a new world of reality to him. But one thing Anna knew for sure; the Thomas that wrote those letters admitted his pain and was also willing to be open.
“If you want to sit, I’ll serve everyone,” Anna said. “It’s no trouble.”
“Thank you, Anna,” Thomas said. He stepped back and then hesitated. “I, uh, I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad everything worked out, traveling and all. In a little while, I’ll show you the room. Our room.”
Our room.
Anna swallowed and prayed to the heavens her cheeks didn’t blush right then. The last thing she wanted to do now was appear as some bashful woman who would burn red at the thought or spoken word of a bedroom, sleeping in a bed with Thomas, or more.
She nodded and said, “That sounds lovely. Oh, I also have money for you.”
“Money for me?”
“Yes. From what you sent. There was extra.”
“Extra? I told you to spend it.”
“Well, I spent what I needed, and wanted. I won’t just spend money because it’s there.”
Thomas seemed surprised yet satisfied. The sides of his lips started to curl a little as though he was going to smile. He rubbed his face and nodded.
“Well, thank you, my Anna,” Thomas said. “For being honest.”
Anna couldn’t find words to say as Thomas slipped away.
My Anna, she thought to herself. He called me ‘my Anna’...
Anna served supper with a smile so large on her face that it actually started to hurt. She ate but couldn’t keep her eyes off Thomas, watching how fast he ate. How he helped himself to seconds. How satisfied he looked with the meal and the cooking.
The same could be said about Jo, who offered to take a small helping and leave the room. Both Anna and Thomas insisted that she stay.
“Well, that was the best meal I’ve had in this house,” Jo said.
“Oh?” Anna asked.
“I’m not quite the cook you are,” Jo said. “Isn’t that right, Thomas?”
“The meal is almost too much,” Thomas said.
“Did I waste food?” Anna asked.
“No, not at all,” Thomas said. “I meant too much... in the sense that I’m not wealthy enough for this. This should be served to the richest men and women in the state, not a farmer.”
Anna smiled and felt the urge to weep almost overtake her. That’s all she ever wanted to hear, something so small but so meaningful. To some, it was a comment, maybe a compliment. For Anna, it was romantic.
“I’m going to go check on Thomas Jr.,” Jo said, leaving Anna alone with Thomas.
“Thank you for making this,” Thomas said.
“Expect the same every night,” Anna said. “And morning. And afternoon.”
Thomas smiled and nodded. “I could get spoiled on this kind of food.”
“No need to get spoiled,” Anna said, “I won’t be going anywhere.”
The second the words fell from her mouth. She felt her mouth turn dry as Thomas looked down at the empty plate.
It was probably the worst thing she could have said right then.
I won’t be going anywhere...
Anna felt her heart twist in pain wondering how many times Thomas’s wife said the same thing to him. Of course nobody thought about going anywhere, about dying. It’s inevitable for all... from man to bird to plant. The first flower of spring will die during or right after summer. The corn seed that becomes a magnificent stalk of corn will die. The same for people. All who are born will die.
The conversation fell silent.
Anna stood and gathered her plate, then Jo’s, and worked her way towards Thomas.
“Are you finished?” she asked.
“Yes,” Thomas said.
Anna reached for the plate and just as her fingers were about to retrieve it, Thomas placed his hand on her wrist.
His grip was fierce, yet warm. The fainting feeling came again but subsided when Thomas looked up at Anna.
“Just you being here makes me feel more alive,” Thomas said. “I’m truly sorry if I can’t usher you in like the beautiful bride you deserve to be.”
Anna put the plates she held on the table and touched Thomas’s large hand gripping her wrist. Her hand shook with nerves, but she didn’t care. She had been waiting for an honest moment like this for how long now?
“This is the most I’ve felt needed and appreciated,” Anna said. “Maybe ever in my life.”
“I’m sorry for that,” Thomas said.
“I’m not so much,” Anna said. “It brought me where I wanted to be.”
Thomas smiled. “Your heart is quite amazing, my Anna.”
“Yours is too, Thomas,” Anna said.
A moment passed in silence between them before Thomas looked straight ahead and spoke again.
“Maybe someday I could tell you about her,” he said.
Anna knew who her was. It felt a little strange not knowing Thomas’s wife’s name, but she understood it. It was something so deep and dark within Thomas that the secrecy of her name was a way of holding onto her.
“I would like that,” Anna said.
Thomas opened his hand and the moment ended.
Anna cleaned up, appreciating the time alone to not just take care of the house but to tend to her own thoughts. She realized she hadn’t had a moment to herself to really think since being on the train from Massachusetts to Kansas.
When the night came and Jo fed Thomas Jr. what everyone assumed and hoped would be his last feeding until the early morning hours (Jo had told Anna that in the past two weeks, the infant started sleeping through the entire night, which left Anna feeling proud for some reason) Jo announced she would retire to her room. This once again left Anna and Thomas alone. Thomas had since cleaned himself up and changed. He smelled fresh and looked like a man from a dream. Anna could understand why Mary did what she did with Jo and Thomas’s letters. Any woman would be the luckiest woman in the world to be near him.
“I’ll show you our room,” Thomas said.
Jo had put Anna’s suitcase outside her door. Thomas lifted it and carried it to the room. When Anna stepped into the room and looked around, she wondered if any of the storage contained Thomas’s wife’s old clothing. The thought broke her heart and made her shiver at the same time.
“You can have as much room as you need,” Thomas said. “I know you came with a single suitcase so if there’s anything you feel you need, we can travel together into to
wn.”
“I’m fine,” Anna said. “I have all I need right here.”
Thomas put the suitcase down and stepped towards Anna. His hands were at his sides and remained there as he stared at her.
“You can have more,” Thomas said. “There are means for it here. I’ve been very lucky in my life when it came to choosing land and making financial decisions.”
“I understand that,” Anna said. “But I’m not here for financial reasons.”
Thomas excused himself and gave Anna time to unpack her clothing she had brought from back home. She found nothing in the room that suggested another woman’s presence which made Anna wonder what had happened to all the clothes that once belonged to Thomas’s wife.
When it was time to share a bed, the moments that followed were uncomfortable. Anna didn’t want to be the one to just climb into the bed. It wasn’t her bed really and within her heart, she wanted Thomas to welcome her to bed. Not with his hands but with his words. They weren’t married yet, which left Anna wondering when that would happen. She thought the moment she left the train depot she would be rushed to become a bride.
Thomas took to the bed first and pointed to the empty space for Anna.
“We should sleep,” he said. “We have a busy time ahead of us.”
Anna wasn’t sure what that meant.
Busy getting married?
Busy tending the fields?
Busy trying to bond with Thomas Jr.?
Whatever it was, Anna still moved into the bed. The moment her body started to rest, she wanted to fall fast asleep. It had been one of the longest days of her life, if not the longest. Sleep would certainly cure most of the problems Anna felt right then. Thomas killed the lighting in the room, leaving it pitch black. The silence that followed, interrupted only by the sporadic sounds of an animal outside, suddenly made Anna feel lonely.
She knew things would ease in time. This was the exact reason why Thomas hadn’t sent money in his first letter to her. He gave Anna the chance to truly consider what she wanted. And this was what she wanted. She could feel it in her heart. She really hadn’t felt alive in a long time. It could have just been the excitement of the change, but Anna had faith in more.
And that faith was then proven a few seconds later when she felt Thomas’s hand touch her hand. His pinky finger gently moved, wrapping around Anna’s pinky finger. He squeezed and that was all the conversation they needed for the night.
Anna closed her eyes and fell asleep.
When she woke, she felt confused. It was still dark, but something felt very wrong. The first thing she noticed was that Thomas no longer touched her hand. That was normal, right? He moved in his sleep... nothing more.
Anna couldn’t shake the feeling so she lit a candle and the soft glow of light grew to illuminate the entire bed. She saw Thomas’s side of the bed empty and her heart sank. She thought about what Jo had said – how Jo feared Thomas would leave a note and disappear someday. Anna moved the bed covers and looked for a note but there was none. She got out of the bed, telling herself she needed to find Thomas. If he needed proof of anything in life, Anna wanted to be that. If that meant tracking him down in the middle of the night, she’d do it. If that meant doing it every night, she’d do it.
As Anna tip-toed, she tried to ensure she didn’t make a sound. The last thing the house needed was for Thomas Jr. or Jo to be woken up.
Once in the main part of the house, Anna held the candle out as she walked slowly. The dining room came into view along with the figure of Thomas standing at the front window of the house. His hands were in his pockets as he stared. The first sight of him scared Anna a little, making her think of times when she and Abigail would trade scary stories about spooks and specters living in their house or in the fields.
“Thomas?” Anna whispered. “Are you okay?”
Thomas turned his head. “Did I wake you?”
“No. But I woke and you weren’t there.”
“First night...”
That’s all he had to say. Anna got it.
It wasn’t Anna’s first night as much as it was Thomas’s first night. Not that Anna had failed to think about that but she suddenly felt foolish for worrying about herself so much. Just what was it like for Thomas right then? To have another woman in a bed he once shared with his wife? Was his wife in that same bed when she began to birth Thomas Jr.? Or worse yet... was that the bed where she...
“I’m sorry, my Anna,” Thomas said. “I’ve ruined this for you.”
“You haven’t,” Anna said.
She walked to Thomas and placed her candle on the table. She touched Thomas’s shoulder, casually, just to let him know she was there.
“That extra money you have still,” Thomas said. “If you wanted a ticket home...”
“I am home,” Anna said.
Thomas turned his head again and looked at Anna. “How can I feel such guilt yet be so lucky?”
“You have every right to feel anything you want to,” Anna said. “I just hope you know you can speak to me about anything. I won’t judge you. I won’t take harm in it either.”
“Thank you, my Anna,” Thomas said.
“Do you do this often?”
“Come out here at night?”
Anna nodded.
“I guess there’s no point in lying to my bride-to-be,” Thomas said.
It warmed Anna over, bringing a little peace to the strange night.
“Yes, I sometimes do,” Thomas said. “When I have thoughts or dreams.”
“I mentioned my sister,” Anna said. “And what happened to her.”
“I remember,” Thomas said.
“I helped her. I had to watch her go through it. There’s nothing I’m afraid of right here.”
“How long would you stay without being married?” Thomas asked.
His question came from a place Anna never expected it. The tone of his voice, the look in his eyes. It wasn’t quite heartbreaking like things had been with William and her parents, but it felt pretty close. So close, Anna couldn’t control her emotions as she began to tear up. A tear fell down her left cheek as she stared back at Thomas.
“That’s what I thought,” Thomas whispered.
He reached up and touched the tear on Anna’s cheek, transfrering it to his finger.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“No, my Anna, no. You have to show your pain too. To me.”
“I can’t wait forever then,” Anna said. “Although my body and mind say yes, I’ll wait, my heart doesn’t.”
“Since there is no forever, you won’t have to wait that long,” Thomas said.
His words were sharp and purposeful. Beautiful at that.
Thomas used Anna’s candle to light his own. He handed one of the candles to Anna, signaling the return to the bedroom to finish their last hour or two of sleep before morning would bring a fresh day of life. As they walked side by side through the house, Anna felt a little more at home. She didn’t like to see Thomas hurting or confused, but she liked to see the honesty of how he acted. It gave her hope. Then Thomas slipped his hand over Anna’s hand, taking it and holding tight.
They walked in the darkness, two candles as their only light. Trying to find their way together.
Somehow, everything was falling into place and Anna felt herself falling for Thomas.
West For Love (A Mail Order Romance Novel) (1) (Anna & Thomas) Page 8