by Heather Karn
My hands were a sweaty mess as I continued to pace, still trying to burn off the nervous energy. It either wasn’t working or there was so much building that I couldn’t burn off enough as more showed up. The whole time I kept up my new internal mantra telling myself I could do this, even though my subconscious was well aware it was going to be a fight.
When the door slid open, I wasn’t prepared. Kitta’s huge grin grew wider as she stared at it and then looked to me. Her smile faltered and she hurried to me, keeping space between us, but not so much that I couldn’t feel her body heat as she looked into my eyes.
“Cammie, it’s okay. Remember, if you don’t want to choose, you don’t have to choose.”
“But I don’t want to be stuck in here forever,” I whispered back, earning a sad smile from Kitta.
“You won’t be. Just give them a chance, and if you don’t want to, then that’s okay too. Come on.”
It would’ve been nice if she’d grabbed my hand and pulled me along or gave me a slight push to get me started. Having to jumpstart myself was much harder than I imagined. I was strong, and I was brave, but there was something about this setup that was so foreign that it weirded me out. And the fact that the one man I wanted standing out there wouldn’t be, didn’t help my motivation.
However, I followed Kitta from the waiting room into one half of the now split common room. I tried not to gape when my eyes landed on no less than thirty men. Even if each man had five minutes with me, this was going to take hours. Then again, it helped that the Lutharian days were longer. I’d be exhausted tonight.
My eyes scanned the crowd of men whose eyes all held varying degrees of hope, hope that they’d be chosen today. I didn’t want to burst their bubbles, but as my search came up empty, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be choosing anyone of them. Until now, I’d held out a string of hope that somehow Kilani would be allowed to be among them, but that hope was dashed, cutting what remained of my heart into a million tiny pieces.
The man from earlier stepped forward, drawing my attention to ten people sitting off to the right. They were a mix of men and women, and all eyed me with either disdain or apprehension. If I was hoping to earn bonus points, I’d failed miserably.
“Welcome to all of you, both male and female. Most of you have been to a Courtship before, but let me go over how this will work for those that haven’t.” He then went over the same outline of events that Kitta had given me. I paid as much attention this time as I did to Kitta so I was sure I hadn’t missed or forgotten anything. Nothing was new or contradictory, and I tried to keep from fidgeting as the man ushered the men from the room and down the hallway to where they would wait to be brought in.
One of the women stood and motioned toward the entryway. “Kitta, would you please follow me?”
Kitta wasted no time in leaving with the woman and four of the others. They walked to the room’s entrance and around the corner to Kitta’s half of the room. Of course, they’d leave me with the grumpy man who was almost sneering at my outfit. They really were taking my choice of outfit as an offense instead of what it was intended, but I brushed that thought away as the first two men were led back down the hallway. One entered my room and the other into Kitta’s room.
My mouth was suddenly dry and it was difficult to swallow as the man strode up to me. I was expecting a handshake up until I reminded myself these people didn’t touch, which gave me an idea. It was probably a stupid idea, but it was an idea nonetheless.
Heart thumping out of my chest, I stuck my hand out between us as he opened his mouth to speak. He stared at it for a moment, then looked at me with a perplexed expression that included pinched brows and head cocked to the side. My move had taken the words right from his mouth, so I jumped in.
“Hi, I’m Cammie.”
“I’m Lorthin.” He studied my extended hand another second and pointed to it. “What are you doing?”
“It’s called a handshake. Where I come from it’s a greeting. You take each other’s hands and give them a light shake.” Which was an odd concept to have to explain. Who was the weirdo that came up with such a thing?
Lorthin’s eyes doubled in size as his nostrils flared and whiskers twitched. Not a good sign, but not one that I hadn’t anticipated.
“Were you not taught that we do not touch, for any reason?” His voice came out as a growl, one with a touch of menace to it. I had to remind myself that he wouldn’t be allowed to hurt me, and with five witnesses, I hoped I wouldn’t be blamed for starting the problem.
“Yes, I was taught that.”
“Yet you still wish to touch me?”
I shrugged, lowering my hand. “It’s a part of my culture. I’ve been trying for months not to accidentally react and touch someone, and yet it still happens.”
“That’s unacceptable.” Taking a deep breath, the man shook his head and tried a smile. No longer ferocious, Lorthin motioned toward a table and chairs near us. “Shall we sit and discuss other subjects?”
“Nope, you can leave,” I stated, crossing my arms, meeting his confused gaze squarely with my own.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m not interested, but thank you for coming.” It didn’t hurt to try to end it on a positive note, right?
The man nodded and left the room, the just as confused Courtship council members staring after him. When he was gone out of sight, they turned to me with confused stares. I could read the questions in their eyes: what had just happened? They’d have to wait for that answer because my next prospect was on his way toward me.
He gave the same awkward stare until I explained what I wanted him to do, and I could almost hear the council members groan. This one, Korpet, made it as far as telling me he was a captain of a ship before I insisted again that he shake my hand. Though he never showed signs of irritation or anger, I could see in his eyes he didn’t truly understand. He knew there was a purpose behind this since I’d mentioned it twice, but either his curiosity wasn’t as strong as his feline appearance made him look, or the no touching rule was much more than I comprehended. This one was also dismissed.
When Riksha, Kilani’s best friend, the son of another council member, showed up, I held out a twinge of hope. Until he opened his mouth after he’d introduced himself.
“Cammie, first let me apologize for Kilani’s actions. I do not wish for his actions to reflect poorly on us as a whole. We are all not as proud and in full disregard of the rules set for our people.”
I hadn’t even bothered to raise my hand yet, and there was no chance that was going to happen now. “Why is it that everyone feels the need to judge the situation based on so little information, and no one bothers to ask me how I feel about it or what my opinions are? You all just assume you know how I feel. Is that how all women are treated around here, or just me?”
Riksha crossed his arms to match my usual stance. “He stole you from your home and broke our laws doing so. How else should we view this?”
Was it even worth bringing up again how Saren had tricked Ki? Nope, not worth the breath. No one had listened thus far, and I didn’t see that changing.
“You could view it the way I see it by asking me, but right now isn’t the time for that. Thank you for your time, but I think we’re finished here.”
Giving me a nod, Riksha left, and he was followed one after the other by the rest of the men. None of them took my hand, and each had varying degrees of confusion and anger written across their faces. Every one of them was dismissed without further conversation. By the last person, the Courtship council members were all out glaring in my direction.
When the last man had been dismissed, I moved to the table and chairs they all wanted me to sit and talk at and waited for Kitta to finish meeting with them. While my brain was trying to convince me that I’d thrown this whole shot away, my heart couldn’t bear to choose any of them, especially when something as small as a handshake produced such strong emotions within them. What would happen the first time I w
as startled in public and grabbed hold of them like I had Kilani the first time? He’d been so kind and forgiving. I wasn’t sure even half of these men would be the same.
Finally gaining an appetite now that the Courtship was pretty much over for me, I disappeared into the first room and ate a little before reemerging. The council people didn’t appear any less upset with me, but at least I hadn’t managed to irritate them further when I left. They’d probably taken the time to gossip about me.
Animal and people sounds echoed up through the open balcony wall, lulling me into a light dose now that the anxiety and adrenaline from the event was subsiding. All I had to worry about left was the men coming back in. There was no way that I wanted to see any of them again, so there was no reason to be nervous or agitated.
While the time dragged on, I fought myself as my brain kept replaying my favorite memories of Ki. The time we raced across the planet’s surface on a glider. When he’d saved me from Saren and held me in his arms. How excited he was to show me the visual display of his planet. Buying supplies for Spock, who was locked in my room.
As I stared blankly across the room, the full weight of my situation hit me. I was literally stranded on a foreign planet with strangers. Everyone I knew or cared about would be sent off back into space as soon as they had a new captain. If I ever made it out of this building, it would be with a man who was a complete stranger. And if I never chose, these four walls would be the last thing I ever saw.
My heart ached as I wondered what Ki was doing now. He was likely so devastated by the crushing blow of his punishment, but I couldn’t imagine the social stigma surrounding him now. How could he bear it?
And I’d never taken the time to tell him I loved him because I was certain I’d have the chance today.
The room blurred as tears stung my eyes. Would I ever get the chance to tell him? If I was stuck in here for life, it was unlikely that I’d even see him again. No, that wouldn’t do. That was never going to happen. I’d stood up for myself thus far and I didn’t plan to quit now.
Blinking back the tears, I was just standing from my seat to march from the room, to who knows where, when Kitta returned around the corner, a large grin plastered to her face. Her hands were clasped together and she was almost skipping over the floor in excitement.
“Wasn’t that amazing?” she crooned, releasing a gusty sigh. “How can a girl even choose from all of those men?”
“It was pretty clear to me,” I mumbled, and for the first time since she entered the room, Kitta saw me. Her grin fell, and I hated to be the downer in her moment of excitement, but I didn’t have it in me to feel what she felt, or to even be happy about this.
Kitta gave me a sad smile. “He can’t come, Cammie. You need to choose one of the men who’s here. These are your choices.”
The meaning was clear: these were my choices, and these were all that it would ever be. One of these men would be my Mate, my husband. I just had to choose one.
Sighing loud enough to scare some poor bird-like creature from the balcony, I shook my head. “It’s not that simple, Kitta. You know all these customs and you accept them because they’re yours. I can’t do that, and none of those men will choose to accept that I’m different. I’m expected to conform to every tradition and custom your society has while forgetting mine. I can’t do it. No, I refuse to do it.”
Unable to convince me otherwise, Kitta nodded and we turned to face the men walking toward us down the hallway. Kitta’s excitement and wide grin returned as one after another they entered and stood in their lines once again. This time there were no nerves coursing through me. Only dread as I stared out at the sea of faces, trying to decide if I could see myself with one of them.
The truth was, I couldn’t.
They were still strangers, and strangers who were far less accepting of my differences than the one person who’d allowed for my instincts and odd ways. I was never going to be able to choose one of them while I still felt so strongly for Ki and while that situation was unresolved.
“Welcome back, males,” the grumpy man began, but a commotion in the hallway cut him off. Glaring in that direction, he tried to see around the men to figure out what the problem was. Even the men were turning around to find out what was happening.
Growls echoed in the room, vibrating through my body, and for a moment I was afraid we were under attack. However, when a man with the most familiar face stepped into the room and into my view, a gasp escaped me as I clapped a hand over my mouth. My brain was telling me I was seeing correctly, but my eyes were having a hard time believing what they were seeing.
“Get him out of here!” grumpy bellowed to the two men following Kilani into the room.
“No!” I cried, my voice careening around the room at a war cry volume, turning every head toward me. “He didn’t get his chance.”
“He’s no longer a Level Eight,” the grumpy man sneered.
“I don’t really care.” I lifted my hand and motioned Kilani to come to me.
Avoiding everyone’s stares, he strode toward me until he stood right in front of me. I still couldn’t believe it. This was a dream. It had to be. There was no reasonable explanation of how or why he would be here.
“I promised you I’d be here,” he murmured. “I intend to keep that promise, no matter the consequences.”
“There will be consequences,” a man grumbled near the wall, but I paid him no heed.
“Thank you for keeping that promise.”
Ki grinned. “Sorry I’m late.”
“Better late than never, as we say on Earth.”
We were silent for a moment, both lost in each other’s stare and unaware of those around us. Ki studied me, and I him. I’d never seen him so worn and ragged. He no longer wore his uniform, but billowing pants and a shirt that laced up the sides like the men seated along the wall wore. They were wrinkled and unkept, just like his hair. And his eyes. While he smiled at me, there was a deep anxiety within them that tore at my heart.
“I don’t think I’m the one who needs a hug this time,” I murmured, but my voice carried throughout the room. The word “hug” was muttered among the men and those sitting against the wall, like they couldn’t figure it out.
Ki lifted one side of his lips in a sad, sly grin. “I think you’re right.”
Hesitating, I kept his stare. “I don’t know what you want me to do, so you’re going to have to ask or tell me.”
The smile slipped from his lips and the anxiety returned full force as his lips parted like he was unsure of his next step. “Do I have a chance?”
“You always have, Ki.”
“Then, Cammie, can I please have a hug?”
I hadn’t even moved and tears were already streaming down my cheeks. All I’d asked from the others was for a simple handshake that was nearly in private, and here Ki was asking for full body contact in front of everyone present for the Courtship.
Ki didn’t even have time to do more than lift his arms away from his body enough for me to slide mine under them as I launched myself into his hold. His arms encircled me as a chorus of gasps and angered sounds filled the room, but he didn’t loosen his grasp on me. If anything, it tightened.
“What is the meaning of this?” the lead, grumpy man bellowed, and I was shocked his voice didn’t make the building shake. It did cause me to jump though, but Ki held me firm. “Release her at once.”
“Actually, I think she’s the one who grabbed him…” Kitta murmured from a few paces away from me.
“I don’t care who grabbed who. This is an outrage and will be dealt with.”
Without pulling from Ki’s grasp, I tipped my head back and stared at him. So much hope filled his eyes that I wanted to hug him again and never let go. But, there was a better option, an option that if I used it would tell him exactly how I felt without saying a word.
Releasing one arm, I draped it around his neck, ignoring the sputtering man pacing up and down the length of the wall. Ki�
��s breath caught when my eyes drifted to his lips, and I could feel the tangible anticipation spilling from him and making his body tremble. There was no going back now, and I didn’t want to.
I rose to my tiptoes and pulled his head closer to mine, and he came willingly. A breath away from connecting, I stopped my approach and met Ki’s gaze again. Confusion bled into the hope, and I grinned at him.
“I love you, Kilani.”
My eyes fluttered shut as I closed the distance between us. The feel of Ki’s warm, soft lips enveloped the rest of my senses as first he hesitated, and then relaxed, kissing me back. My hand still holding his waist gripped his shirt tighter as he pressed me closer to him, his lips moving with mine in a dance that was as instinctual as any touch. A soft growl reverberated through him as he clung to me, his hands slipping to my waist, the heat from his body soaking through my dress.
I was ready to find out how well his tongue could dance with mine when a hand grasped my shoulder in a painful grip and Kilani was torn away from me with a yelp. Unlike me, who was still held in a vice-like grip, Ki was sent flying from the force exerted on him by the raging Lutharian standing over me. The nameless man’s nostrils flared, and if I could’ve seen the veins in his temples, they would’ve been throbbing to the beat of his raised blood pressure.
“What is the meaning of this?” the man bellowed, the volume so loud the ear closest to him started ringing. His grip pinched my arm, much like Hilgal’s had and I winced, though I tried to hide it.
“Let. Her. Go.” Ki’s voice lowered the temperature in the room until a chill ran across my skin.
The man holding me released my arm, accepting Ki’s warning glare. Even on the floor, Ki was about to become a force to be reckoned with. As Ki stood, he never took his eyes off the man standing a bit too close to me, and even Kitta watched with apprehension a few feet behind him. One of the women had moved to stand beside her, ready to protect the young woman if the situation went south.
With his feet underneath him once again, Ki rushed to me, tugging me to his side as a protective arm wrapped around my shoulders and he placed himself between me and the man. “Argnot, never touch her again. As for the meaning of this, I believe it’s obvious that she’s chosen me.”