Seconds that feel like hours pass.
“I was pregnant with Daniel’s baby when I was eighteen. Two days after I caught him with Sydnee in my bed, I lost the baby. A miscarriage. And now I...”
That’s all I can say. Heavy tears stick to my eyelashes and when I finally blink, they fall to the floor.
Chapter Twenty
Liam
Jesus. Sarah had been pregnant with Daniel’s baby. The thought of another man touching her, being inside that sweet body, makes my head spin and my blood boil, but right now, my only concern is Sarah. And add to that, Daniel slept with her sister before he knew about the baby. What a shitstorm.
My Sarah.
She turns to face me, and the first thing I notice is her empty, sad green eyes staring at me, waiting to see what I will say, waiting for me to leave. She doesn’t have to say a word for me to know that’s what she’s thinking. Slowly, my hand cups her the softness of her cheek, reddened by tears.
“Baby, I’m so sorry. I am so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“And say what? I was a pregnant teenager, a statistic, knocked up by the boy who screwed my sister in my own bed?”
“Well, not exactly in those words. You know you did nothing wrong, don’t you?”
She looks at me, seemingly confused at my response, not expecting it.
“You...you’re not mad at me?”
“Why would you think I’d be mad? Babe, first of all, that was years ago, you were a teenager. Secondly, you didn’t get pregnant on purpose. I’m sure, with the situation being what it was, you were under a tremendous amount of stress. I understand that.”
“You do?”
“Sarah, if you think the miscarriage was your fault, it wasn’t. You did nothing wrong. Is that why you didn’t tell anyone...you thought it was your fault?”
She nods her head, and my heart absolutely breaks for this headstrong, determined woman who is falling apart right in front of me. For years, she’s kept this secret inside, always believing she was to blame. Daniel is already at the top of my shit list, but this, blaming her for losing the baby, is beyond outrageous.
The doors to the elevator open and I hold onto Sarah, keeping her at my side. She is silent, except for the hitches in her breath as she fights off more tears. Never in a million years did I expect this, and it upsets me a bit she didn’t think I would stick around if I found out. It totally explains the one-night stands. She doesn’t allow men to get close for a reason and today I found out exactly why.
We walk together out of the hospital into the stillness of the early evening air. The sun is setting, making way for the stars to brighten up the night sky. We make our way through the busy parking lot to my car while I keep my arm around her waist as she pulls her jacket tighter around her for warmth, or maybe for security. Either way, I hold on to her.
Before I put the car in gear to pull out of the lot, I turn to Sarah. I need to say this to her and I pray to God she believes me. She may have avoided relationships in the past, but that shit stops today.
“Baby, I know right now you are spent. I can see the tiredness in your eyes. But please believe me when I say that this changes nothing. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you, and it sure as hell doesn’t change how I see you. You’re still the most stunning, most caring, stubborn woman I’ve ever met. Carrying that shit around with you all these years has you believing things that aren’t true. I am not him. I will not leave you. Ever. I love you, Sarah.”
Slowly, her eyes find mine, and those heavy lashed lids blink slowly as if she’s processing what I’m saying.
“You shouldn’t. I can’t give you what you want.”
“What do you mean?”
Silence.
“Nothing. I’m just really tired. Can you please take me home?”
“I can. But I assure you, sweetheart, this conversation is not over. You are not pulling away from me, because I won’t let you. Not now that I finally have you.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Sarah
He doesn’t understand. Last night, on our way home, he was quiet, giving me time, and I appreciated that. But I know what will happen. Eventually, he’s going to want a family. He has such a capacity to love and as sure as the sun rises and sets every day, I know he will be an amazing father. Kids born into families like Liam’s, close-knit families, most always want that same thing. He and his beautiful sisters will likely marry their beautiful significant others, and have an entire brood of beautiful kids running around, spending time together, celebrating holidays, going on vacations. That’s what families like his do.
There are no pregnancies in the cards for me. Been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it. I don’t think I could ever go through that kind of loss again. Never again will I allow myself to become pregnant and risk losing everything a second time. I barely survived the first nightmare. Liam will find out soon enough that I am not right for him long-term. I’m just a good Miss Right Now. Seems like that’s all I’ve ever been.
“Sweetheart, you’ve got to talk to me at some point.” The frustration in his voice is evident as we sit together on the bench along the river while the sun sinks low, taking the warmth of the day with it. Liam picked me up for a quick dinner when I arrived home from school, and now here we are.
“I don’t know what else you want me to say, Liam. I told you the entire sordid story on the way home from the hospital yesterday. There’s nothing else. I got pregnant purely by accident, lost the baby, lost Daniel-which turned out to be a good thing-lost my sister, who no longer has a backbone to stand up to that asshole as evidenced by her behavior at the hospital, and basically lost my family because God forbid anyone do or say anything to upset Sydnee.” Anger and sadness are fighting their way into my heart, trying to steal another piece of me. Like they haven’t taken enough already.
“You told me at the hospital you couldn’t give me what I want, and I’d like to know what it is you think I want. Clearly, you’re not me, so how you have access to that information is somewhat of a mystery. Perhaps you can fill me in.”
“Don’t patronize, Liam.” I shoot him a glare and hope the angrier he gets, the easier it’ll be for me to break things off.
“Sweetheart, that’s not patronizing. I’m trying like hell to figure all this out and for the life of me I can’t understand how you think you know what it is that I want. Granted, we’ve been friends a while, and then we took that relationship a step further. But quite honestly, I haven’t a clue as to what you think I want that you can’t give me. I love you. You are everything to me.”
I continue to stare straight ahead so I don’t have to see the look on Liam’s face. My voice breaks, my chin trembles and I feel the emptiness in my chest. The emptiness that remains from the miscarriage so many years ago. I’ve tried like hell to avoid this discussion with him, hoping to just shove it on the back burner for a while, enjoy what little time I have with him. But it looks like I’ve no other choice.
Swallowing down a gulp of air, I take a deep breath and ready myself for the conversation. My gaze shifts to Liam and I wish to God there was something I could do to change the path my life has taken. He is without a doubt the most wonderful man I’ve ever met and to have to tell him I don’t want to have children has my stomach coiled tighter than a knot on a rope swing.
“The pain I felt the day I miscarried was unlike any other pain I’ve ever felt. Physically or otherwise.” I half chuckle and shake my head, thinking back to the day when I thought losing Daniel was the worst possible feeling ever. “I wasn’t dealing with Sydnee and Daniel’s betrayal well, and the stress was too much for me to handle and I lost the baby. Some days, it seems like yesterday and others, it seems like a lifetime ago. But what I do know is that I will never put myself in that situation again.”
Liam’s eyes close, and his lips pinch together as he draws a deep breath then speaks through clenched teeth.
“I don’t know what you want me
to say to you, Sarah. I’ve told you repeatedly that I am nothing like that asshole. I. Am. Not. Daniel.” The muscles in his neck are corded, and he is holding in that anger better than I ever would have. “I would never do anything so self-centered or selfish like that to you. Ever. When are you going to believe me?”
“It’s not just that, Liam. I believe you when you say those things. I know you are not Daniel and you’ve proved that repeatedly. I feel so much more with you than I ever felt with him, and that’s what makes this so hard.”
“What? What’s so hard, baby?!”
“I don’t want to get pregnant, Liam. Ever. I won’t go through that again.” I didn’t mean for it to come out quite so blunt. Now I feel half sick.
He stills suddenly, his head flinching back slightly.
“And I know how amazing your family is and how you’ll want your life to be like that, with kids and all. I can’t give you that. I won’t put myself in the position to feel that kind of pain ever again.” I take his hand in mine, wishing I could figure out a way to change all this, but it is what it is. “Please understand that I would do anything to change how I feel, but that ship’s long since sailed. After the miscarriage, I vowed never again.”
My hand is released from Liam’s as he gets up and begins to pace in front of me. He massages the back of his neck and looks at me in surprise.
“That’s it?”
Figuratively speaking, if my eyes could shoot daggers right now, Liam Reynolds’ balls just might be my target. I am pissed.
“What the hell do you mean, that’s it? You’ve got about two minutes to explain the shit out of what you just said before I walk.”
He makes his way back to the bench, his hand caressing the side of my face. I flinch at his touch but he smiles and shakes his head. God, he’s such a shit.
“Sweetheart, my God, you’re amazing. I’m not making light of the situation, believe me. I guess that’s it probably wasn’t the best choice of words. What I meant was, is it babies that you think I want and you can’t give me?”
“Well, yeah,” my words fumbling just a bit. “You’ll want your own family, your own kids.”
“Who told you that? Do all couples have kids of their own, because I know of several who have chosen not to have kids, for one reason or another. I know two couples in my old neighborhood who adopted kids, which is a very admirable thing to do, by the way. Take a child who is no blood relation at all and give him a family.” Without warning, he pulls me onto his lap, and I quickly look around to be sure we don’t have an audience. “Honey, I appreciate that you think you’re doing what’s best for me, but don’t. Don’t assume to know what it is that I want before you even so much as ask.”
“But, you do want kids, don’t you? I mean...”
“I don’t even know the answer to that. I’ve not thought too much about it, I suppose. But what I can tell you for certain is that if this works out between me and you, and I pray to God it does, if you and I decide we want kids, there are other ways to have them besides the traditional one. You not wanting to bear your own children is not a game changer for me. At all. Not even fucking close.”
The softness in his voice and the hint of his sexy smile eases the tension in my muscles.
“But I thought-”
“Obviously you’ve been giving this too much thought,” he interrupts. “We can talk about it, Sarah. That’s what people do. Talk. Have a conversation. I know, over the past years, you’ve not wanted to be involved in any kind of relationship where talking was truly necessary. I get that...I understand why. But that ends now. Today.”
His lips inch closer and closer to mine as his hands rub up and down my back. He hovers there for a heartbeat, or maybe ten, while one hand glides along my arm, across my shoulder and up to my neck, his thumb feeling the pulse in my vein. It’s racing. He is so close that the heady scent of cologne and man mixed together makes me yearn for his lips on mine.
“Please tell me you understand.”
I do. I do understand, but I sit here in silence, fighting the insecurities that have taken up space for far too long in my mind. I need to let them go, no longer giving them a voice. It’s my time now.
“Yes.” My voice cracks with emotion. “Completely.”
“One of these days, you’ll see yourself through my eyes. You’ll see a magnificent woman who deserves to love and be loved. And who deserves someone who will give her the moon. I am that man, Sarah. I will be that man for you.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Liam
I’ve driven Sarah to see her dad a few times this week and she’s thrilled at how well he is doing. He’s resting, just as he was told, and not putting up too much of a fuss. Truthfully, I think he likes being waited on. He’s a hard-working man, no doubt, but a little time off has done him a world of good. He and Mrs. Witten take slow walks around the neighborhood each day, so he’s finally had the chance to get out and get fresh air.
Thankfully, we’re able to visit at times where we can avoid Daniel and Sydnee. Only once since we’ve been there has Sarah seen Londyn, and I know she misses that little girl. She got to spend some quality time with her, doing hair and putting some make up on Little Londyn. That girl is a spitfire, kinda like Sarah, and I think she sees a lot of herself in her niece.
What’s worrying me though, is Sarah. Even though we’re talking and opening up more, and learning more intimate things about each other, I still feel like she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop and it hasn’t allowed her to let go and just be. She’s not heard a peep from Daniel or her sister all week, and I know it’s been on her mind. Can’t say I blame her, though. This shitstorm is far from over if Daniel’s behavior at the hospital last week was any indication. And her sister? Jesus, she just stood by and let Daniel have at Sarah. That guy has issues, and if I were a betting man, I’d offer up the farm and say Sydnee is just an emotional punching bag for him.
But for tonight, Sarah and I are headed to the pub. Business at Sam’s has continued to pick up since the remodel. We’ve managed to get Samantha moved into the bar manager position and she decided on hiring two new bartenders and a new server. Once Tira, one of our servers, finally quit, we realized how very little she did around here, except for pissing everyone off. She single-handedly damn near ruined Zane and Raina’s relationship, so no one was too keen on her sticking around anyway. Our new server, Dylan, has been working out well. The women seem to love him anyway. Occasionally, I see the sultry looks they give him, and I hear mumblings like, he’s so damn hot, and I’d love to serve him getting thrown around, so he is a definite asset to the business. For some reason, Cole isn’t a fan, and I think I can guess why.
I drag Cole away from the bar where he is deep in conversation with Samantha, even though she doesn’t seem too hell-bent on listening to him. The rolling of the eyes and shaking of the head is a good indication she’s had enough of his bullshit for one night.
“There is no way in hell she doesn’t think I’m sexy. I mean, look at all this. I’m like crack to every woman I meet, Liam. They can’t get enough. I think she’s immune to my charm. Maybe she’s a real-life witch because I’m the most charming guy I know.”
“Or maybe she just sees you as too much work, too much drama.”
“Drama? I’m the least dramatic person I know.”
I wonder if he even hears himself sometimes. It’s like talking to a twelve-year-old.
“For reals, man. She’s the one. She’s all up in my business, telling me I’m a man-whore, and I just tell her...”
Cole drones on and on, insisting he doesn’t feed into the drama, as we make our way to the stage to start playing. Looking out, I see Sarah sitting at our table. We’ve spent nearly every evening together this week, doing a lot of talking and a shit ton of love making, all fire and passion. It’s the one time where she can forget and get lost in the moment. Where she can let down her guard and her insecurities, and just be.
Our first song ton
ight I dedicate to her, and she blushes a beautiful pink when I announce it. “Kiss Me Slowly” by Parachute is a song I’ve always loved, and it’s as though the lyrics were written for Sarah. I make eye contact with her, and hold on to her gaze as I sing, meaning each and every word.
“So, “Kiss Me Slowly,” huh?” she asks when I pull up my seat beside her during our break.
“Absolutely, baby,” I say as I pull her from her seat to sit down on my lap. I need her close. Without skipping a beat, she wraps her arms around me and she indeed does kiss me. Very slowly. It totally sucks that I’ve got one more set to play and a bar to close tonight, otherwise she’d be in my bed and we’d be not only kissing, but making love slowly.
“Hmmm. I like it,” she whispers.
“I’ve got to stay here and close up in another hour. Once everyone leaves this place, you’re mine.”
“Right here in the bar?” Her eyes open wide and she looks around, trying to gauge how this is all going to play out.
“Right here in the bar. You got a problem with that?”
“Oh, no problem. I just don’t...I don’t want...an audience.”
“Not on your life. Your sweet little body is for me, and only me. And I can’t wait till I get to hoist it up on that bar right over there and have a little taste of my favorite snack,” I whisper in her ear, running my hands up and down her thigh.
“Mmmm...can we close early if I kick everyone out?” she whispers, her head leaned back on my shoulder, hips grinding down on my dick.
“Baby, you’ve got to the count of five to stop grinding into me. I’ve got one more set to play and I can’t do it hard as steel. Plus, Cole gets a little jealous. When we’re on stage, he wants me all to himself. He’s selfish that way,” I say, laughing.
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