by T J Vertigo
"Shut up. There were no sparks. We just recognized each other is all." Cayden argued.
"You shut up. Just admit it Cayd, you're head over heels. Totally fucked."
"Oh, I'm fucked alright." Cayden pouted. "Shit, Jo, what am I going to do?" she whined pathetically.
"Oh honey..." Jodie rubbed her friends leg. "I knew this was what was going on. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too. I didn't expect to like her..."
"Like her?"
"Okay, I want her in the worst way." Cayden slumped lower in her chair. "I never felt like this about anyone. I hardly know her! Dammit Jo... she's straight for gods sake!" Cayden said with frustration.
Jodie looked sympathetic. "Honey, I don't hate to tell you this, but she looked at you like you were a cinnamon bun and she was starving to death."
Cayden smirked. "Yeah? You know... I thought so too. Even when she was here, I could have sworn she was interested. Then she throws her boyfriend at me." The shopkeeper stopped talking and sighed heavily.
"Damn. You finally find her and you can't even have her."
"It's not fair!" Cayden pouted again, picked up the Cheese Doodles and ate one.
"I tell you what, she was definitely into you, there was no mistaking that. I have no idea why she brought up her boyfriend, unless she was reminding herself. I saw the way she acted." Jodie paused to eat a Cheese Doodle. "I think, if the opportunity arises again, you should call her on it."
"I can't do that." Cayden said rolling her eyes.
"Oh, yes you can. You'd be surprised."
"Jo, if she comes in here again I bet I'll act like a total moron and embarrass myself."
Jodie chuckled. "Give it a try Cayden. Just thinking about your next meeting and planning out what your going to say will make it easier. You'll be able to do it."
"Yeah, whatever." Cayden agreed reluctantly.
Jodie took the entire bag of Cheese Doodles away and began to eat them. "So, what else is new?"
"Wade has a date." Cayden said, stealing back the bag.
"Hey, those things are addictive! You can't just allow me one or two and take them away." The waitress reached in and took a bunch out and smiled in satisfaction. "So, Wade has a date. Our little boy is all grown up."
"Yeah well he better be all grown up, he's wearing my black silk shirt."
"It must be great to have a man around who wears the same size as you. Think of all the sweats and T-shirts!"
"Eh. I don't borrow his sweats. Something icky about having my personal where his balls were..." Cayden scrunched up her face.
"Ew Cayd!" Jodie grimaced and laughed at the same time. "You wear panties!"
"You wear panties.." She wiggled her eyebrows. "I prefer to go au natural in sweats."
"TMI"
* * *
Brooke downed quite a bit of alcohol as the morning drifted into afternoon. Mary turned out to be more fun than Brooke anticipated and there was alot of giggling to be had as they played "boxers or briefs" with the Country Club lot. The blonde was pleasantly surprised with the turn of events, and whether it was the drinking or her misconception of Mary, it didn't matter. She was actually having a good time at the Country Club for a change, and with Mary of all people.
"You know Mare, I can call you Mare can't I? This was a pretty good morning." Brooke said drunkenly.
"Yes, I agree! We should do this more often." Mary suggested, then excused her small hiccup.
Brooke smiled politely. She wasn't a drunk and had a feeling she would have to be to enjoy Mary's company on a regular basis. "That would be nice." she said with a nod, having no intention on following through.
A flouncy woman, who was at least fifteen years younger than the man she was hanging onto, captured their attention and they both giggled.
"Panties or a thong?" Brooke asked.
Mary craned her neck to get a good look at the departing duo. "Neither. But he's definitely wearing boxers."
"Uh uh, nope. He's wearing a latex g-string and matching bra." Brooke said seriously. "For foreplay, she dresses up as Julia Child and beats him with lasagna noodles."
Mary was unable to close her gaping mouth so her laughter was loud and raucous. The highly unladylike sounds emanating from the usually refined woman brought Brooke to near hilarity and the two of them eventually drew attention to themselves.
After calming down a bit, Mary wiped her eyes and stared at Brooke in amazement. "Where did that come from?" she asked, still giggling.
"I have HBO, I watch Reel Sex sometimes." Brooke slurred.
"Oh my! The last time I stumbled across that show, they were doing a sing on thwingers." she said with a sour face, then knit her brow in confusion. "I mean, a thing on swingers."
Brooke snickered at Mary's tipsy flub.
Mary opened her eyes wide. “Have you SEEN some of those people? No wonder they want a fresh face."
"There was this one show about piercing, that almost made me sick." Brooke said, after finishing her glass of champagne. "I suppose a navel or even a nipple is ok, but really... the things people pierce!"
"I am a firm believer in keeping some parts intact. There are some things that just shouldn't have holes in them. Imagine one of those women with a nipple ring trying to breast feed? Milk squirting every which way." Mary shook her head in disgust and signaled the waiter.
"I don't know, I think that nipple rings are kinda hot." Brooke said quietly, her mind wandering to Cayden, trying to imagine what her nipples look like and wondering if they're pierced.
"Oh? So, this mysterious fantasy person has a nipple ring?" Mary inquired, leaning close to Brooke.
Brooke backed away from the woman and fanned herself. "I don't know." She said defensively.
"Hmm. You aren't going to tell me who it is are you." Mary stated.
Brooke blushed. "I don't think I should."
"Why? If I don't know... them... then there's no harm done." Mary pushed.
Oh god, she knows! She knows its a woman! Brooke panicked at first, then thought about it for a moment, squirming under the scrutiny. "No, I can't." She decided.
Mary leaned back in her chair, disappointed. Darn. I'm just dying to know!
Brooke studied her new glass of champagne. I can't tell her, she'll tell Terry and he'll tell Grant. I have enough trouble with Grant as it is. But boy, I'd love to be able to get it out to someone. Oh! Bev! I can tell Bev!
Mary noticed Brooke's sudden change of expression from pouty to thrilled. I'd so love to know what's going on in her head.
Just then, the same young woman with the old man wandered by and Mary slapped Brooke on the arm.
Picturing the old man in latex sent champagne shooting out of Brooke's nose. "OW! GOD!" she yelped between guffaws of laughter.
Mary, just as drunk and laughing even louder tried to blot Brooke's nose with a napkin that turned out to be the tablecloth. The two inebriated women laughed even harder as glasses and dishes started hitting the floor, shattering in all directions.
* * *
"Isn't that your wife making a scene?" Grant asked, upon seeing Mary in the midst of the chaos.
"Good lord, yes! And she's with Brooke!"
By the time the two men got there, Brooke and Mary were in tears, they were laughing so hard.
"Mary! What are you doing?" Terry asked angrily, gesturing to the flock of waiters trying to clean up around them.
Grant could see immediately that they were drunk and his ears turned red. "Brooke, what has gotten into you?" he asked calmly, as he pulled her out of her chair a little roughly.
"Hey!" She protested pulling her arm back and nearly falling over. The flurry of activity going on around her was making her dizzy.
"Let's go home, Honey. I think you need a nap." Grant said in a controlled tone.
"Yes, I agree." Terry said tersely and tight lipped, as he helped Mary up. "Great game by the way, maybe next time you'll let me win?" he tried joking.
Grant gave him a long suff
ering look as he wrapped his arm around his teetering, giggling girlfriend.
"Brooke, dear, you have yourself a faaabulous nap." Mary said with an obvious wink.
Brooke blushed. "Oh I sure will, I sure will. To sleep perchance to dream." she slurred.
"Ah, yes. " Mary agreed wiggling her eyebrows. "You be sure to give them a little something for me, but stay away from the lasagna." The drunk woman almost cackled with laughter at her own joke.
"Okay ladies, time to go." Terry said, wrapping his arm around his wife's waist for support.
Grant forced a smile as he grasped Brooke tighter than he should have.
"OW! You're hurting me!" She whined trying to pull away.
"Don't want you falling down... dear." Grant said through his teeth.
Brooke narrowed her eyes. "Yeah, I may embarrass you." she sneered. "Hey Mary!" she shouted across the patio, "Tighty Whities!" she yelled while pointing to Grant's crotch.
Mary broke out into hysterical laughter nearly toppling both Terry and herself over.
"BROOKE!" Grant steamed, dragging her away from the people.
"You need color Grant. Blues, or reds.... your underwear is as boring as you are." she said a little loudly.
Grant took a deep breath and tried not to make eye contact with anyone. "Must we talk about this now?"
"Why the hell not?" Brooke threw her hands up in the air and nearly fell. "Whoa..." she complained.
Grant led her through the club and into the parking lot with no further incident, then loaded her into the car. "You're not gong to throw up or anything are you?"
"Nope!" Brooke answered happily. "I feel great! Perfect!" She shouted.
"Jesus, Brooke! Keep it down!" Grant slammed her door shut and ran around to the driver's side.
The blonde giggled and waited until he was inside the car. "You need to loosen up Grant ol' boy."
"I'm loose enough thank you." he said as he started the car. He had to remind himself that she was drunk and probably doesn't realize she's being rude.
"You're as loose as your tighty whities."
"Will you leave my underwear alone? They never bothered you before."
"Well, they do now." I wonder what kind of panties Cayden wears. NO! Stop that Brooke! Don't even THINK about her panties. LA LA LA LA LA ... oh yeah, whatever she wears I bet they're black... STOP! The sun will come out... tomorrow! Bet your bottom dollar ... a thong. A black silky... sexy.... thong. "Mmmm...."
"What?"
Brooke turned her head to look at Grant. "What?"
"That's what I asked you. You hummed."
Brooke blushed and waved her hands in the air distractedly. "Well, I guess I thought of something yummy."
"Yeah? Like what?" Grant asked, happy to be talking about something other than his underwear.
Brooke shrugged her shoulders and looked guiltily out the window. Cayden's underwear stuffy old Grant. That's what's so yummy. Sexy Cayden's underwear... her black thong... oh god... she groaned.
"Brooke?"
"TOMORROW! TOMORROW! I LOVE YA TOMORROW.."
Grant was startled enough to pull the car over. "Brooke! What is wrong with you??! You scared me half to death!"
The blonde snickered. "You're only a day a... WAAAAAAY!"
"I will not drive all the way back to Manhattan with you screaming show tunes off key! Now close your eyes and sleep!"
Brooke pouted. "Ok, but I may just hum a lot more if you make me sleep."
"Humming I can handle, Annie I can't."
* * *
Cayden covered her face with her hands and groaned, she couldn't watch. "Oh my god! You are so stupid.. it's "c", Petunia!"
"Cayd, not everyone is as brilliant as you." Jodie laughed.
The contestant fidgeted, hemmed and hawed, and then chose to phone a friend, which sent Cayden into a tailspin.
"Oh, for chrissakes!" the shopkeeper shook her head in disgust. "Everyone knows who Porky Pig's girlfriend is."
Jodie changed the channel. "Well, there's Judge Judy, or Oprah..."
"Please, if I hear Dr. Phil tell one more woman she's a hopeless obese loser I'll hunt him down and kill him myself. Gimme that..." she said, snatching away the remote. "Trading Spaces is on."
"Oh yeah, I forgot. It's all about Amy Winn."
"Damn right." Cayden sat back and watched with interest. "See? Look at her, she's hot."
"Please. What carpenter in their right mind wear shorts and a tank top to cut wood." Jodie teased.
"You just wish you had her boobs." Cayden shot back.
The bell over the door tinkled and the two women sat up straight and smiled.
"Hello, Ladies." A short, fey man with wavy orange hair, plaid boxer shorts and a pink tank top sashayed in carrying a perfectly groomed if not overweight Shih Tzu.
"Hi there, Butch." Jodie said and then turned her head so not to snicker in his face.
Cayden smiled and kicked Jodie under the counter. It was an ironic twist of fate that a man that effeminate would be named Butch.
"How are you, Cayden, Honey? Whew! Is it ever hot out there, I'm shvitzing like an ape!" He declared, fanning himself with his free hand.
If you put down that fat throw pillow... Jodie thought.
"Oh I know! I am eternally grateful for the AC. What can I get you, Butch? Did Anna-Nicole like the vanilla cookies?"
"Oh she loved them. A little too much, she's never going to lose weight if I get her any more... OOO! Is that Trading Spaces?" He asked, leaning over the counter and nearly choking the women with Aramis.
Cayden stood up to get some fresh air and nodded. "Yup, it just started."
"Oh yay! Who's in the tank top today? Ty?" Butch asked excitedly.
"Nope, apparently god's gift to lesbians, Amy Winn is on this episode." Jodie said, coming out from around the counter to find the dietetic cookies.
"Hmph." He pouted. "She's ok, but Ty's much hunkier. He's just so yummy!"
"Ooo, them's fightin' words." the waitress joked.
"Amy Winn rocks." Cayden cheered as they showed said carpenter.
"Ty!"
"Amy!"
"TY!"
"Children, do I have to separate you?" Jodie said, shaking her finger at them. "Here's some diet cookies for Anna-Nicole. Speaking of, do you watch her show?"
Butch examined the package of treats as he spoke. "Of course we do. My little sweetie loves the show. I, personally, am a little worried about the woman. Ok, these look good, and I need a pack of tinkle pads."
Cayden rang him up while Jodie retrieved the wee-wee pads. "I can't watch the show. It's like a train wreck. Besides, I think Kimmy has the hots for Anna."
"Oh no kidding, that's no secret. I'm sure they're doing it in a closet somewhere away from the cameras." Butch giggled, paying for the items.
"Ugh. please, don't give me that image. I have a date tonight." Jodie said with a sour face.
Cayden handed Butch his package. "Take it sleazy Butch, see ya soon."
"You take care too, Cayden. Thanks for the diet cookies, Jodie."
"Amy Winn." Cayden snuck in as he was walking out the door.
"TY!" He shouted as the door closed.
"You are such a brat." Jodie said, plopping herself back onto the stool.
Cayden stuck her tongue out and harrumphed watching Butch traipse across the street. "You know, I'll never understand how a grown man can walk out of the house with red plaid boxers and a pink tank top."
"He wasn't wearing anything under those boxers you know." Jodie said with a grimace.
"How do you know?"
"Come on! They were right up his crack. I read between the lines."
"YUCK, Jo. OO! Amy's on a ladder. I bet she smells good."
"Speaking of smells, how's Wade's cat, what's his name... Feather?"
"La La Bird. The cat's enormous, there oughta be a law. Shut up, Amy's taking down a ceiling fan."
PART 7
G RANT SAT IN the living room and sighed. H
e had a hell of a golf game and no one to share it with. He fully intended to brag about it to Brooke, but that all fell apart as soon as he saw her. He couldn't imagine what had gotten into her. She wasn't a drinker, hardly ever touched alcohol, and there she was, passed out on the bed.
It was an interesting car ride. Brooke was right, she hummed and groaned and stretched all the way home. She even uttered "kay" a few times as if someone had asked her a question. Once he got her into the bedroom she flopped down in bed and refused to get undressed, claiming she had to get back to sleep immediately, and she did so with a big fat smile on her face. Grant shook his head in confusion. Brooke was certainly not herself, and he was very concerned. It had to be in direct correlation to her newfound need to rollerblade every night. There must be somewhere she goes, someone she sees. There has to be somebody who is making her act like this.
Grant narrowed his eyes as Brooke's long purr of contentment drifted out from the bedroom. He got up and began pacing around the house, picking things up and putting them down, not sure what he was actually looking for. He eyed Brooke's pocketbook momentarily, then felt guilty for doing so. He went to the bedroom and watched her sleep, the smile on her face made him jealous and he didn't know why. Back in the living room, he eyed her pocketbook again, this time standing in front of it. He felt bad about opening it up, but not so much that he couldn't snoop inside. He moved some things around a bit and came across a small brown paper bag. It was screaming look inside me!, so he picked it out carefully and opened it up, glancing guiltily towards the bedroom as he did. Once he lifted out the contents his eyebrow raised in question. CK-9? She carries doggie cologne in her bag? He felt like a heel, knowing the only reason she'd have it was to remove Fred's stink that he hated so much. He took the cap off and smelled it out of curiosity. Hmm, not a bad knock-off. I wonder how much she paid for this? Fishing the receipt out of the bag, he snickered. Fuzzy Belly Deli. Feeling bad about the whole thing, he replaced the spray bottle in the paper bag when something caught his eye. Brooke had written all over the bag. Cayden? Who's Cayden? That's Brooke's handwriting so it wasn't all over it when she got it. He frowned. Cayden, that's a girl's name right? Why would she write it so many times? Puzzled, he put the bag neatly where he found it and closed the pocketbook. Wandering into the kitchen, he made himself a sandwich and thought. Cayden. Could this be who she hangs out with? Cayden is a girl's name right? No, it's not a man's name, besides, she said there wasn't another man. She's never lied to me before. So... Cayden. Maybe she just works at The Fuzzy Belly Deli. He ate in silence and the more he thought the more he was determined to find out who Cayden was. Even if she does work at the shop, why would Brooke write it so many times? You only need to write it once to remember. Jeez, only teenagers do things like that when.... Grant paled and put down his sandwich. ... when they have a crush. No... Cayden is a girl's name. Brooke couldn't have a crush on a ... woman?