Frame the negotiation using the higher level agreements. Move back down from the general frame of agreement to specific exchanges. “Would purchasing this blue chair meet the criteria of comfortable and attractive?” “Would letting Jack decide this one and Jill the next purchase meet your joint criteria of having equal input into decisions?”
Confirm agreements. During the process, continually identify and solidify all levels of agreement reached and their importance to each party.
7.3 Part II—Dissociative Frame For Handling Criticism
In the area of communication, one of the most difficult tasks we face involves the handling of criticism. How can we accept criticism as feedback and not get sucked into heavy emotion and do something foolish? Indeed, the problems we often have in handling criticism constructively lie in dealing with our feelings about being criticized. If we could handle those immediate negative emotions, we could respond constructively to the criticism.
In your study of NLP you are learning the value of dissociation in the removal of emotion from an experience. Drawing upon this neurological phenomenon, Steve and Connirae Andreas developed a procedure for handling criticism. They learned this procedure by modeling people who operated successfully in turning criticism into feedback.8
You need to maintain a resourceful state throughout the procedure. Recall a time when you were on top of the world. Choose a specific time when you felt like you could conquer hell with a water pistol. Associate into that time. See what you saw. Hear what you heard and feel what you felt. You may wish to create a self-anchor of this experience. If at any time during this procedure you begin to become aware of losing your resourceful state, fire your resource anchor.
This procedure requires a dissociative state. See yourself at some distance (see Figure 6:1). If you have difficulty getting this picture of yourself, imagine seeing yourself in a photograph. To assist yourself in maintaining the dissociation, imagine a piece of plexiglass between you and the dissociated picture of yourself about to receive some criticism. Thus, since you see yourself “out there,” any negative feelings you had during that time will seem “out there,” and you can feel curious about those feelings.
Dissociate from the criticism by seeing that you over there receiving the criticism. You will see that other you “out there” ready to deal with what is going to happen. Now see “out there” someone who criticizes you and that you have had difficulty dealing with. Watch yourself just prior to the other person’s criticizing you. As soon as the criticism starts, see that you out there immediately dissociate. See another version of you step out of the first you, so that that they have dissociated from it. Now you see yourself twice in the picture. You are watching yourself receiving criticism. Thus you experience a double dissociation. I (BB) have trouble doubly dissociating myself by seeing myself twice. It trances me out too much to even function consciously. Other students have reported the same difficulty. Fortunately, the procedure offers another option. So, double dissociate yourself by dissociating once (that is, seeing yourself once in the picture) and then see the words of the critic printed out in the air or on an imaginary blackboard.
Make a dissociated movie of the content of the criticism. Notice if you can make a complete movie of the criticism. Watch the dissociated you in the picture ask the other person questions until you can gather enough information to make a clear movie of what the person means. Oftentimes criticisms come to us so vaguely that we cannot make a clear representation. Such statements like, “You are rude” or “You are insensitive.” Acknowledge the other person by saying, “I too feel concerned about that. Could you more specifically describe to me how I act in a rude way?”
Evaluate the criticism. Now that you have gathered sufficient information to run a clear representation of the criticism, decide what part of the criticism you agree with and what part you disagree with. Running a movie of the events as you understood them and comparing it with a movie of the events as the critic understands the situation works quite well in evaluating the criticism. Check for areas where the movies match and mismatch. Should your memory of the event appear significantly different from their criticism, gather more information by asking questions.
1. “Watching yourself watch yourself receiving criticism:”
2. “Watching yourself receiving criticism and seeing the words of the critic out on a banner (whiteboard, movie screen, out in the air, etc.):”
Figure 6:1 Dissociative Frame for Handling Criticism
5. Decide on your response. You now have all the information you need to respond. Your response will include what you agree with in the criticism and what you disagree with. Steve and Connirae write: “Exactly what response the you in front of you selects depends upon your goals as a person, your values, your relationship to the other person, etc.”9
In responding to the critic, respond first to those areas in the criticism that you agree with. Then share those areas you disagree with, and explain why you disagree. This will help to maintain rapport with the person. If you need to apologize, do so.
6. Change your behavior as a result of receiving new learnings from the criticism. If you have learned something about yourself from the criticism that needs changing, then begin now to re-adjust your behavior in the future. Future pace by actually imagining yourself in a similar situation in the future and notice how you will respond. Practice this procedure two or three times to install it in your unconscious mind.
7. Incorporate the part of you that learned this process. You have just observed yourself “out there” learning new ways to respond to criticism. Do you not wish for that learning to become a part of you? Sure, you do. If you have placed up a piece of Plexiglas, please remove it. Then reach out with your hands and pull that new you inside and give yourself time to integrate totally into your unconscious mind.
7.4 Part III—Dissociative Frame for Phobias and Trauma
Since, to a great extent, we develop our personality as a product of our memories, reframing negative memories with the Fast Phobia Cure will help us develop a more positive and resourceful identity. Richard Bandler describes the Fast Phobia Cure in Using Your Brain For A Change.10 Associating into our memories causes us to re-experience the emotions. On the other hand, dissociating from the memory usually removes us from the emotions of that memory. Utilizing the power of dissociation, the Fast Phobia model permits us to erase the negative emotional impact of unwanted memories. As a result of this erasure, we recode both the visual and kinesthetic aspects of the memory. Would we not find this a useful technique?
You can perform this procedure on yourself. However, you will probably get better results having someone take you through the steps. The following procedure will work with most people. Those people who have difficulty visualizing may encounter difficulty. The Fast Phobia Cure has contributed to making NLP famous. The procedure offers not only a useful model in erasing the effects of a phobia, but also in recoding any unwanted memory. I have used it extensively in the removal of the visual component of my client’s images from sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. Removing this visual component often drastically reduces the negative emotions from the memories of the abuse.
Establish a resource anchor. In dealing with painful memories, the possibility always exists of the client associating into a very painful memory. To prevent this from happening, we begin by establishing a resource anchor, which we could use to pull the person out of a bad experience. Have the client associate into a time when they felt safe and secure. Anchor that state kinesthetically. Then test your anchor. Follow the steps to setting an anchor.
Earlier in my NLP work, I established a resource anchor. Presently, I rarely do it. When a client associates into a bad memory, I get them to change their state by having them stand up and walk around. While walking, I encourage them to breathe from their abdomen. Also, you can shout or do anything that breaks the strategy of their emotional experience. However, go ahead and establish a resource anchor both fo
r your practice and their comfort. Later, you may wish to stop the practice. (We will cover anchoring in Chapter Thirteen.)
Acknowledge the mind’s ability for one-trial learning. A phobia represents an amazing achievement! Imagine it: people never forget to have the phobic reaction. Hurt from strong emotional experiences operates in similar fashion. When the correct trigger fires, the person immediately goes into hurt. Say to the client,
“How amazing that you always remember to feel afraid or hurt when you think of the bad memory! I can’t even remember to take out the garbage. You remember to feel phobic (or afraid, or hurt) every time you recall the memory. How amazing. If you can learn to feel phobic or hurt from a one-time experience, you can unlearn to feel phobic or hurt from another one-time experience, right?”
Imagine a blank movie screen (see Figure 6:2). Walk the client into an imaginary movie theater and have them sit down seeing the blank movie screen in front of them. Once the person has the imaginary movie screen, have them place a black-and-white photograph of themselves on the screen. Direct the person to make a photograph of them just before the onset of the bad memory, when they still experienced safety.
Next, dissociate the client once more from their body and move into an imaginary projection booth. Invite the person to look out of the projection booth at themselves sitting in the theater seat observing a black-and-white picture of them on the movie screen. They will see the back of their current self observing the even younger self up there on the screen. Take a few moments to solidify this experience of a double dissociation.
Now, the client runs a black-and-white movie of the bad memory or phobia all the way through to the end of the event to a scene of comfort/security. The client experiences a double dissociation from the memory. They now watch themselves watching the movie. This will begin to remove the emotion from the event and to recode it from a different perceptual position. Should the client still experience deep emotion from the movie, have them send the screen farther away.
On one occasion I had a client cut off the bottom half of their body before running the movie. The client’s father raped her at the age of ten years old. So, I led the client in removing the abused part of her body from the image. After running the phobia model on just the upper part of the body, she put the bottom half on and ran the movie. This worked beautifully. Tad James tells of having to take one lady out into the ticket booth before she could run the movie. Do whatever it takes.
Once the client runs the movie to the scene of comfort/security, ask them to freeze frame and either white out or black out the picture. The client will probably see just a blank screen.
Figure 6:2 Visual–Kinesthetic Dissociation Pattern (Fast Phobia Cure)
7. Lead the client to associate into the movie at the end where they blanked out the movie. The client will leave the projection booth and enter their body in the theater seat. Then lead them to associate into the image of themselves that appeared on the screen at the end of the movie, the place of comfort/security. Guide them carefully and graciously. Use your language carefully so they follow your directions exactly. Check with them regularly to make sure they do what you want them to do. “Have you now re-associated fully into the you at the end of the movie? You are looking through your own eyes and you are seeing what you saw then, aren’t you? You are hearing the same sounds you heard then?” Give your directions clearly and precisely.
8. Run the movie backwards, in color, and associated. “You have seen movies run backwards, haven’t you?” Once you get a yes, make sure they associate into the movie, and they see everything in color. “Now run that same movie backwards, and do so really fast. Do it in one or two seconds.” You can anchor them to a sound as you say, “Whiiisssshhh.” By watching their eyes, you will know when they run the movie backwards and how fast they did it.
9. Repeat the Process. Ask the person to repeat steps 7 through 8 three to five times making sure that they break state, clear the screen and start at the end. Do so until the kinesthetic disappears. If you desire, they can repeat the process until the image disappears as well. Removing the image completely will remove all of the kinesthetics. The person may still recall the event; however, they will barely get any image or words. In running the movie backwards, lead the client to reassociate at the end of the movie. Make sure the client does not go to the end of the movie associated as that will re-install the phobia or trauma. When they run it backwards say, “Now, clear your screen. Put yourself back at the end of the movie. Go straight to the end of the movie. Just imagine yourself at the end when you experienced comfort/security. See what you saw and hear what you heard. Now, run the same movie backwards in color. Repeat until it disappears.”
10 Test & Future Pace to see if the client can access the phobic state. See if their non-verbal response matches their earlier state of the phobia or trauma. You may say, “Imagine living in that situation right now.” Or, if you know the content, elicit the stimulus more explicitly. For a phobia of water say, “Imagine walking out into a swimming pool into deeper and deeper water.” If you get any of the phobic response, check out how accurately they followed the procedure and re-run the phobia cure making sure they follow the exact procedures.
[Note: When the phobia cure does not produce the effect I would like, I use the Swish Pattern to reinforce the change.]
7.4.0.10 The Fast-Phobia Cure (Simplified)
Establish a resource anchor. You may set a resource anchor in order to bring the client out of trauma should they associate into the traumatic event. I do not use this any more for I have learned that when a client associates into a traumatic event, just have them stand up really fast, and breathe deeply from the abdomen. This will dissociate the client from their traumatic state.
Acknowledge to the client the mind’s ability of one-trial learning. “How amazing how you always remember to feel afraid or hurt when you think of the bad memory. I can’t even remember to take out the garbage. You remember to feel phobic (or afraid or hurt) every time you recall the memory. How amazing!”
Imagine a blank movie screen. Walk the client into an imaginary movie theater and have them sit down seeing the blank movie screen up there in front of them. Once the client has the imaginary movie screen, have them place a black-and-white photograph of themselves on the screen. This photograph represents their younger self just before the onset of the bad memory when they felt safe and secure.
Next, the client dissociates once more from their body and moves into an imaginary projection booth. The client should now look out of the projection booth at themselves sitting in the theater seat observing a black-and-white picture of themselves on the movie screen.
Now, the client runs a black-and-white movie of the bad memory or phobia all the way through to the end of the event. The client watches themselves watching the movie, experiencing a double dissociation from the memory. They watch themselves watch the movie.
Once the client runs the movie to the end to a scene of comfort/security, ask them to freeze frame and white- or black out the picture. They will just see a blank screen.
Now, lead the client to associate into the screen where they blanked out the movie. They leave the projection booth and enter their body in the theater seat. Then have them enter the movie and associate into the image that appears on the screen. Have them associate into the image of themselves at the end of the movie after they survived the trauma. Guide them carefully and graciously. Use your language carefully.
Direct them in running the same movie backwards, in color and associated. “You have seen movies run backwards, haven’t you?” Once you get a yes, make sure they associate into the movie, and invite them to see everything in color. “Now run that same movie backwards and real fast. Do it in one or two seconds.” You can anchor them to a sound as you say, “Whiiisssshhh.” By watching their eyes, you will know when they run the movie backwards and how fast they did it.
Repeat the Process. The client now repeats steps seven through eigh
t until the kinesthetic disappears. If you desire, they can repeat the process until the image disappears as well. Make sure they do not go to the end of the movie associated—that will re-install the phobia or trauma. After they have run it backwards say, “Now, clear your screen. Put yourself back at the end of the movie. Go straight to the end of the movie. Just imagine yourself at the end when you were OK. See what you saw and hear what you heard. Now, run the same movie backwards in color. Repeat until it disappears.”
Test & Future Pace by seeing if the client can access the phobic state. See if their non-verbal response matches their earlier state of the phobia or trauma. You may say, “Imagine walking into that situation right now.” Or, if you know the content, express it more explicitly. For a phobia of water, say, “Imagine walking out into a swimming pool into deeper and deeper water.” If any phobic response reveals itself, check out how accurately they have followed the procedures and re-run the phobia cure making sure they follow the exact procedures.
7.4.0.11 Other Editing Tools
From the double dissociation position of the projection booth you can not only rewind, you can do numerous other things to change your submodalities. You can make other choices as well. From there you can program your brain to process the film in ways to give you a great range of perspectives and reframes on the memory.
Associate a resourceful memory. Recall the memory of a time when you felt creative, confident, powerful, etc., from the past. See what you saw at that time. Now turn up the brightness on that memory. When you are fully associated into this resourceful state—bring into that scene the negative stimulus (dog, spider) that you fear, or the traumatic memory, and merge the two memories until they integrate and you see yourself handling the situation with your resources.
The User's Manual for the Brain Volume I Page 16