“What happened to her?”
She placed the photo down and picked up another, where Jessica’s smile was gone. “My brother came to visit. He was going through a divorce and needed to get away, so he came and stayed with us. One night, we were having a cookout, and Henry was drinking too much, growing angrier and angrier. He started an argument with my husband, Stanley, and they were seconds away from fighting. Then came sweet, silly Jessica with her bad jokes, which made everyone laugh, even drunken Henry. Later that night, Stanley went to check on Jessica. He found Henry in her room with an empty bottle of alcohol in his hand. Henry was passed out, naked and drunk on top of my daughter, who was frozen in her fear.”
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” I said the words, and when they left my mouth, I knew they weren’t enough. No words could express the feeling in my gut. I’d lived on the same block as Mrs. Boone all my life and never knew of the storms she’d sailed through.
“Jessica didn’t speak after that. I quit my teaching job and stayed with Jessica to homeschool her, but her light was stolen away. She wasn’t the same after what Henry did. She stopped speaking and never smiled again. I didn’t blame her, though. How could you speak when a person you were meant to trust stole your voice away? Jessica always walked around as if there were voices in her head, demons trying to make her crack. When she turned twenty, she finally did. She left a note saying she loved Stanley and me, and that it wasn’t our fault.”
My eyes shut, remembering Mrs. Riley’s words.
She tried to kill herself.
She turned my way and frowned when she saw my look of despair. “Oh, dear. I was supposed to have you over to take your mind off your own issues, and I just made you feel worse.”
“No, no. I’m just so unbelievably sorry. I don’t know what to even say to any of this.”
“No worries. I wouldn’t know either.” Her teapot started whistling in the kitchen, and she shouted, “Stanley, can you get that?”
I narrowed my eyes at Mrs. Boone, and she paused. Moments later, she realized her mistake and hurried into the kitchen, then came back with the tea. We sat there and sipped the disgusting tea in silence. When it was time for me to leave, I stood and thanked Mrs. Boone for inviting me in, not only into her home, but into her history.
As she held the front door open, I asked her one last question.
“Is that why you offered to visit Maggie? Because she reminded you of your daughter?”
“Yes and no. Maggie has a lot in common with my Jessica, but there are big differences.”
“What’s that?”
“Jessica gave up on life. Maggie every so often has these flashes of hope. I see it more and more often with her. She’s going to be okay. I know she is. I have to believe she is going to be okay. You know the biggest difference between the two?”
“What?”
“Jessica had no one. She shut us all out. But Maggie? She has friends. Maggie has you.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Boone.”
“You’re welcome. Now stop blaming yourself, all right?”
I smiled. “Same to you.”
She nodded. “Yes, yes, I know. Deep inside of me I know it wasn’t my fault, but sometimes when sitting by your lonesome, your thoughts wander to places they shouldn’t. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. One must learn to be discerning with one’s own thoughts. We must be able to decipher the truth versus the lies of our minds. Otherwise, we become enslaved to the shackles of struggle we place on our own ankles.”
I hadn’t spoken to him in five days, and it had felt like the longest five days of my life.
“What are you reading now?” Mrs. Boone asked me, sitting across from me at the dining room table. When I’d asked Daddy to pass on the word to Mrs. Boone that I wasn’t feeling well, she’d called me a ridiculous child who needed some tea. She also blamed my fake illness on me always leaving my hair wet after a shower.
I held my book to my chest and shrugged my shoulders, then I flipped it over for her to see the title.
“Hmm. Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver. What is it about?”
I narrowed my eyes at her. She always did that. She always asked me questions she knew I couldn’t answer. Seeing as how she never allowed me to write on paper, it felt like nothing less than pressure, and pressure was the last thing I needed.
I placed the book down on the table and sipped at my disgusting tea, grimacing.
“So today is a day where you hate tea again, huh?” she stated.
I shrugged again.
“Where’s your boyfriend?”
I shrugged once more.
She rolled her eyes. “One more shrug and your shoulders are going to get stuck midair. So childish. He’s worried about you, you know. Pushing him away isn’t going to help anyone. It’s actually pretty rude. He’s a nice boy.”
A nice boy? Never in my life had I heard Mrs. Boone say anything kind about anyone.
“Brooks, you can come in now,” Mrs. Boone called toward the kitchen.
Brooks stepped out from behind the kitchen door, held his hand up, and waved shyly.
What is he doing here?
“I invited him,” Mrs. Boone said, once again reading my thoughts. “Sit, Brooks.”
He did as he was told.
“Now, this is the point where I talk and you both listen. You’re both idiots.” That sounded more like the Mrs. Boone I loved to hate. “You two like each other, right? So allow that to be enough. Stop overthinking everything all the time. Just be happy. Maggie, stop acting like you’re not worthy of happiness. If only people with perfect pasts were supposed to be happy, then no love would ever exist. Now, kiss and make up, you idiots.”
“What’s going on here?” Mama asked, entering the dining room. She looked tired, as if she hadn’t slept in days, her hair wild and untamed. Her eyes shot to Brooks, and a smudge of disappointment and shock flew across her face. “You’re not supposed to be here.”
Mrs. Boone sat up straight. “Now, Katie, before you yell at the kids, I want you to know this was my doing.”
“You? You told him to come over here?”
“Yes. The kids were sad, so I thought—”
“I need you to leave,” Mama said.
“Oh, come on, that’s ridiculous. Let the boy—”
“No, I mean you, Mrs. Boone. I need you to leave. You crossed the line today, and you’re not welcome back into my house.”
I shot up from my chair, stunned by my mother, who seemed more like a stranger with each passing day. No! I pounded my hands against the table. I pounded over and over again until my hands started turning red, and then I kept pounding.
“Brooks, you leave, too. You and I already spoke, and I think I made my message pretty clear. Maggie, go to your room.”
No! No!
Brooks lowered his head and left. Mrs. Boone stood up and shook her head. “This isn’t right, Katie. Those kids…they are helping each other.”
“No offense, Mrs. Boone, but Maggie is not your child, and I’d prefer if you’d stop treating her as if she is your responsibility. She’s not Jessica and you do not get to make these choices for her. I refuse to let my daughter end up like—”
“Like what?” Mrs. Boone barked back, obviously deeply offended. She grabbed her purse and gripped it tightly in her hold. “Like my daughter?”
A glimpse of guilt appeared in Mama’s eyes before she blinked. “From this point on, there will be no more afternoon teas. I appreciate you spending time with Maggie, Mrs. Boone, I really do, but that will be all.”
As Mrs. Boone walked to the front door, Mama followed her, and I stayed right on their heels. “I get what you’re trying to do, Katie. I really do. I tried to do it with my daughter, too. You think you’re helping her by keeping her away from the world, from the place that hurt her, but you’re not. You’re suffocating her. You’re drowning out the little voice she has—her freedom of choice. Her choice to love, to open herself up. You’re stealing that from
her.”
Mama’s head lowered. “Goodbye, Mrs. Boone.”
She had sent my boyfriend and my best friend away from me, and I couldn’t understand what I’d done to deserve it. I started pounding against the closest wall to get Mama’s attention. See me. Notice me!
She turned, unmoved by my sounds. “Go to your room, Maggie.”
No. I pounded more and more, and she charged at me, wrapping her arms around me. No!
“Stop it,” she ordered. “You think about the kind of life you’d give Brooks. Do you really want him to give up his dreams to stay here with you? How do you think you could be in a relationship with him when he’s traveling the world, making a life for himself? Why would you do that to him? This isn’t right for you, or him. He deserves more than dates in this house. You deserve to be alone so you can get fixed.”
Get fixed?
What if I wasn’t broken? What if this was just me?
Where was Daddy? I needed him to come home. I needed him to try to make sense of Mama’s mind. I needed him to fix this. I kept struggling in her hold as she dragged me up the stairs. “This is for your own good, Maggie. I’m sorry, but this is for your own good.”
I resisted, but she wouldn’t let me go. She wouldn’t let me free. I blinked my eyes and saw him. The devil.
He apologized for hurting me, apologized for pushing a few fingers into the side of my neck, making it harder and harder for me to find my next breaths.
“Mom! Let her go!” Calvin said, coming out of his room. He tried to get Mama off of me, but she shoved him away.
“Stay out of this, Calvin. Your sister is fine.”
No, I’m not. You’re hurting me.
Cheryl came out, and I saw the fear in her eyes. I was certain she saw it in my stare too.
Help me.
“Mom,” she started, but Mama shut her up quick, too.
She dragged me to my room and shoved me inside. With haste, she shut the door, then held it closed from the outside. “You’ll see, Maggie. I’m doing this for you. I’m protecting you.”
What was wrong with her? Why was she acting so insane? I pounded on the door, trying my best to open it, but it wouldn’t budge. I shoved my body against it, over and over again. Let me out! Let me out! My hands wrapped around my neck, and I could feel him there with me. He was choking me; he was going to kill me. Let me out, let me out!
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe…I didn’t know what other option I had.
I didn’t know what else I could do, so I did the only thing that came to mind.
I fell to the floor.
I lay face down on the carpet.
I opened my mouth.
And I screamed.
I blinked.
The door flew open and Daddy charged toward me. I was tucked in the corner of my room, my hands slammed against my earlobes.
I blinked.
Mama followed in after him, and he flew around, screaming at her, telling her to leave.
Blink.
Mama cried and tried to get near me, but Calvin and Cheryl held her back.
Blink.
Daddy bent down, staring me in the eyes, checking if I was okay. “Maggie?” he whispered. He choked on air. “Maggie.”
Blink.
He combed through my hair, lifted me up.
“Let me near her,” Mama begged.
Daddy laid me in my bed and then ushered Mama out of the room.
Blink.
I could feel him. It felt so real. He was choking me again. He was taking my air. He was back. It was real. It was real…
Blink.
Daddy left the room to go scream at Mama. All they did was scream. Calvin and Cheryl came into my room.
Blink.
The two climbed into bed with me and wrapped their arms around me. They held me tight as I shook in their grips.
Blink.
Cheryl kept telling me I was fine, and Calvin kept agreeing as I cried into my sheets, shaking, feeling broken, confused. Scared. So scared.
Shh…
Shh…
Why did Mama do that? Why did she drag me? Why did the devil do that? Why did he kill that woman? Why did he try to kill me?
Blink.
I shut my eyes. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to blink anymore. I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see, but I still saw. I saw him. I felt him. I tasted him. I saw Mama, too. I saw her. I felt her. I loved her.
I hated her.
Why did she hurt me?
Why did she send away the things I loved?
Everything grew darker.
Everything became shadows.
Everything went black.
“You okay today, Magnet?” Brooks asked, standing in my doorway. He hadn’t been allowed into our house for the past week, and since Mama wasn’t home, I assumed Daddy had let him in. Mama had gone to stay with her sister for a few days, a request Daddy had made. I was happy she disappeared for a while.
Seeing Brooks standing there, leaning against my doorframe, broke my heart.
How was it possible?
How could you miss someone who was only steps away from you?
He didn’t ask to come into my room like usual; he stayed there with his hands stuffed into his pockets. “We fly out in the morning. We fly out to meet with the producer, to talk about our future.” He smiled, but it felt more like a frown. That made me sadder than I had known I could be. Music was his dream, and his dream was coming true, yet still, he seemed so sad.
I’m so proud of you.
He snickered and looked down at the ground, sniffling. “What’s going on, Maggie May? In your head?”
I don’t know.
He stepped into my bedroom. “Do you love me?”
Yes.
“But you don’t want to be with me?”
I hesitated to write, because I knew my words would be confusing to him. I couldn’t be with Brooks, especially now. He had his dream finally coming to life, and the last thing he needed was for me to interrupt it with my issues. How could we date, with my parents falling apart? How could we be in love, with him halfway across the country? Even though I hated it, Mama was right. Brooks did deserve more than me. He deserved to be loved out loud, and my love was a whisper in the wind that obviously only he could hear.
He cleared his throat, my nonresponse seeming like all the words he was afraid to hear. “Do you love me?” he asked again.
I do.
He turned away from me for a second and wiped at his eyes. When he turned back, he gave me a tight smile and walked over to me. “Can I hold your hands?”
I held them out, and when he wrapped his fingers with mine, I felt it—the feeling of home rushing through me. A building with walls wasn’t a home. Home was the place where the warmest kinds of love lived between two people. Brooks was home to me.
It took everything for me to not cry.
“You know that moment when you discover a new song? You think, no big deal, you’ve heard a lot of new songs, and this one’s gonna be like all the rest, but when the introduction hits your ears and it rockets through you, you feel it in your bones. Then when it hits the chorus, you know. You just know. You know that song is going to change you forever. You’ll never be able to remember your life without those rhythms, those lyrics, those chords. When the song ends, you race to replay it, and each time you hear it, it’s better than you remembered. How is that possible? How could the same words mean more and more each time? You play it over and over again until it’s ingrained in you, until it races through your body, becoming the flow that makes your heart beat.”
My hands trembled in his, and his trembled in mine. We moved in closer, and he rested his forehead against mine.
“Maggie May, you’re my favorite song.”
I couldn’t fight the tears, and he couldn’t fight his, as our faces rested against one another. “I’m so torn right now, Maggie. A part of me wants to go to Los Angeles and c
hase the dream, but another part of me knows you are the dream. You’re it. So tell me what you want. Tell me you want me. I’ll stay. I swear, I’ll stay.”
I stepped back from him, dropping his hands.
His dream was in Los Angeles.
Mama was right.
I was no kind of life for him.
I wasn’t his dream. I was his waking nightmare.
“Tell me to stay, and I’ll stay,” he begged. “Tell me to go, and I’ll go, but don’t keep me here in limbo, Maggie May. Don’t let me leave, not knowing. Don’t make me swim in unknown waters, because I’m certain the unknown is where I’ll drown.”
Go.
He read the words on my board, and I saw the switch in his eyes. He seemed shocked by my response. Hurt. Broken. The look of despair in his eyes stunned me. I rushed over to him and started trying to pull him into a hug.
“Stop, Maggie. It’s fine.”
No. It wasn’t. He was hurting because of me. He was breaking, because I’d broken him. Please. I need you to understand. Please.
I held up my hand.
Five minutes.
That’s all I needed. Five more minutes.
He sighed and nodded. “Okay. Five minutes.”
I pulled him into a hug and forced him to hold me.
He choked out a cough. “It’s not fair. It’s not fair. We were happy.”
I held him tighter and looked up at him. Our lips grazed against one another, and we kissed. We kissed softly first, and then harder. We kissed with our hopes and our apologies all at once. It amazed me how in the past, five minutes had felt like forever, but in that moment, five minutes was a blur.
“Maggie May,” Brooks whispered, his voice cracking. “How did you do that? How did you break my heart and fix it all at once, with just one kiss?”
I felt it, too. Whenever our lips found each other, the kisses hurt and healed. We were thunderstorms and sunlight all at once. How did we do that to one another? Why did we do it? And how were we ever supposed to truly say goodbye?
The Silent Waters Page 15