I decided to worry about my careless comment later as I sneaked into the office relatively unnoticed. It was odd to me how normally my day continued. It seemed, with the uprooting of my life, as if the world should feel differently, as if everyone should look and act differently, but they didn’t, and work continued as usual. Jenny, the office receptionist, remained cheerful. Serena, my assistant, stopped by my office to chat twice before ten in the morning. Lisa, the toxic co-worker, dutifully ignored me when I passed her in the hallway and a curt nod from Beman, my boss, meant that he’d acknowledged my existence and nothing more. I went about my work, nipping, tucking, erasing, marking, removing, adding and writing. A text from David around lunchtime was a very welcome distraction.
Nov 12, 2012 11:31 AM
Swamped. I need an assistant.
Nov 12, 2012 11:33 AM
Want me to come fill in for the day?
Nov 12, 2012 11:34 AM
I’d get nothing done.
Nov 12, 2012 11:36 AM
But I think I’d be a good fit for the job, Mr. Dylan.
Nov 12, 2012 11:36 AM
Qualifications?
I smiled deviously and drew upon my limited knowledge of architecture.
Nov 12, 2012 11:37 AM
I’ve been told I have unequaled
skills in steel erection.
Nov 12, 2012 11:38 AM
In fact, I was cantilevered just this weekend and can be for hours on end.
Nov 12, 2012 11:40 AM
That’s all good, Ms. Germaine, but being an architect’s asst is very physical work. It involves a lot of hammering, mounting & screwing.
Nov 12, 2012 11:42 AM
As it happens, I’m a pro at nailing studs. When can I start?
Nov 12, 2012 11:44 AM
Right away. We’ll begin with any and all cracks that need caulking.
I clasped my hand over my mouth and giggled.
“Something funny?”
I jumped in my chair as my head snapped up. “Jesus, Bill. What are you doing here? How’d you get in?”
“I’m your husband, Olivia, what do you think?”
“Right, sorry. You startled me.”
His nose was swollen and purple bruises rimmed his eyes. My heart squeezed at the sight of him. He looked tired, defeated, and though he was dressed for work, it looked like he’d just rolled out of bed.
“Don’t think you can ignore my calls,” he said.
I restrained myself from pointing out it was he who’d cut off my cell service. I ignored him and said, “Your nose.”
“Broken.” He held up his bandaged right hand. “Sprained.”
“I’m so sorry. Come in. Are you in pain?”
He furrowed his brow at me and finally stepped in the office, closing the door behind him. “We need to talk.”
I nodded. “Saturday night was awful. I’d really like if we could keep this divorce civil.”
Anger crossed his face but was gone in a flash. He slumped into the chair across from me and sighed while scrubbing a hand over his hair. “God. Please, just . . . think about what you’re doing.”
I fidgeted with a pen on my desk and said gently, “I wouldn’t have let things get this far if I hadn’t thought long and hard already.”
“Babe, take a step back and look at the facts here. This guy is using you. As soon as he gets bored, he’s going to dump you like he does the others. You were a challenge, and it won’t take long for that to wear off. For him it’s just . . . sex,” he finished, clearing his throat.
“You don’t know him.”
“I asked around, Livs. I don’t trust him and neither does Andrew. He screws models, never been married, wealthy, charming, all-around player. I don’t know why he bought that house, maybe to show off, maybe because he gets off on it.”
I sighed and picked up my phone to tap out a quick text to David.
Nov 12, 2012 11:50 AM
Can’t make lunch. Something came up. Explain later.
“Look, this is hard for all of us,” I said, switching my phone to silent. “Don’t make it worse. That’s conjecture, gossip. You don’t know him,” I repeated.
“I obviously care about you, and I don’t want to see you get hurt,” he said. “What happens when, six months down the line, he leaves and you’re all alone? I’m not going to be there, babe. I won’t wait for you.”
I looked down at my hands. For the first time since all this began, Bill seemed calm and rational. Not only that, but his words made sense. David had a track record. He wasn’t hiding it, but I suspected I hadn’t even scratched the surface of his past. It occurred to me, as Bill sought my eyes, that I wasn’t even sure if David had ever been in love. He’d explained about Maria. But who had come before her?
I looked back up at Bill. In spite of everything I’d put him through that weekend alone, his eyes were warm. They were warm for maybe the first time in months. Even though he hadn’t always been there in the ways I needed him to be, he always wanted me to be happy. He loved me as much as I let him.
David was rarely challenged when it came to women. For me he’d had to work, probably harder than he ever had. If he were to pick up and leave, as Bill was convinced he would, it would cripple me. But what would it be like for David? And had he done it before?
Bill lived in a world of facts and order; he was logical. Wasn’t that who I was too? There was a chance David only wanted what he couldn’t have. Even I had accused him of that once. He could easily grow bored with the day-to-day of a relationship.
“Look at what you’re giving up for him.” Bill’s quiet voice cut into my thoughts. “Our love. Our future. Our home. Our past. And what has he given up for you?” he asked, suddenly astute, suddenly paying attention in a way he’d never really been.
“I can’t explain what I have with David,” I told him, “and I don’t want to try. What you need is someone who wants what you want, and who can love you in a way I’m not capable of. I never let you in, you told me so yourself.”
“It takes work. Maybe this marriage would benefit from both of us working harder.”
“I never let you in,” I repeated, “and you liked it that way. You didn’t want to deal with my shit.”
“That’s not true, babe,” he insisted. “But if that’s what you need, I will change. I will be better. I will ask questions like you said you wanted me to. We’ll get there, Livs, I know we will.”
I took a breath and looked him in the eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever get there,” I admitted, and in my head, I added, with you.
“You don’t know that. Look how far we’ve come since we met. We’re different people, better people.”
I cocked my head at him. Were we better people? Didn’t he ever feel me pulling away? Hadn’t I treated him awfully these past months as I recessed into my own depths? Did he mean it, or was he grasping at straws now? “Children,” I blurted.
He looked surprised. “Children?”
“Yes. You want them, I don’t. Could you be happy if we never had them?”
“Look, I know you think you don’t want – ”
“It’s not that,” I said for the millionth time.
“Wait. I know you think you don’t want them, but you will. Some women don’t get the urge for a few more years. I’ve always trusted in what we’re doing here. All I ask is, if I agree to put it off, that you’ll admit there’s some part of you that wants it too.”
“Stop telling me what I want,” I muttered, resting my forehead in my hands. I don’t want children. With you. I don’t want children with you . . . but do I want them with David? Do I want them at all?
The rashness of my decision to uproot my life began to weigh on me. David and I had not discussed children ever, because what other couple would a weekend into their relationship?
It was far too heavy of an idea to lay into, so for now, I pushed it aside. I needed to get my point across to Bill. I raised my head again. “I don’t think I want child
ren, Bill, at all.”
He scoffed. “How can you say that? You’re a woman.”
“Not all women want children.”
“David doesn’t want them?” he asked skeptically.
I looked at the desk.
He emitted something between a laugh and a grunt. “You don’t even know. Liv, honey, what are you doing?” he implored. “You left me for another man, and you haven’t even discussed the future? Does he say he wants to marry you?”
My eyes jumped to his. “It’s too soon for that.”
“Too soon? You walked out on me for him.”
“Yes, but, it’s more than that. You and me . . . things just weren’t working for us.”
He shifted in his chair. “You know, I’m beginning to feel bad for David actually. I wonder if he realizes just how cold and heartless you really are. Over the years, I’ve seen glimpses of how deep it runs. With your mom, your own family. You cheated on me, for God’s sake. You tell me you want a divorce without even a tear. I thought it was just a part of you, but this moment I see – that’s you to the core.”
I flinched. The words stung. If it made him feel better to say so though, I would take it. Still, I disagreed quietly. “He doesn’t think that about me.”
“How could he? He’s known you all of two seconds.”
I realized I was pulling on my earlobe, a sure sign of my discomfort. It reminded me of how David always noticed when I did that; the only person who had ever noticed. “He knows me better than anyone.”
Bill gave a low whistle. “Brainwashed after a weekend. I might be impressed actually.”
“I know it sounds ridiculous, and I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Try me. What makes you think he knows you better?”
“I can be myself with him. He anticipates my feelings, and when he doesn’t know, he asks. He asks me about myself.”
“I said I would ask questions. What do you want me to ask? Better yet, why don’t you just tell me so I don’t have to ask? You’re the one who clams up, and I’m being punished for it.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “You’re right. I admit that I should have done things differently from the start.”
“It’s not too late. We can start with the scar. You can tell me everything.”
I blinked at him. “The scar. You told my mom about David before I could. You called her,” I accused.
“Because I’m at a loss for what to do, and I’m worried about you. I don’t know how to get through and show you that you’re making a mistake. Your mom knows; she has experience.”
“She doesn’t have experience,” I shot back. “She’s lying. Dad never cheated on her. It was all in her head.”
He pursed his lips. “Me and your mom, we’re on your side. You’re the one who abandoned us. You ran out on her, and now you’re running out on me. Hell, maybe you’ll run out on this guy before he even has a chance to dump you.”
“Enough,” I snapped.
He rounded the desk and shocked me by dropping to his knees. He took my hands in his one good hand. “Please, Olivia. Don’t do this. I love you, and we can work this out. We’ll do counseling if you want, I don’t care. I love you,” he repeated. “I can change. I will ask questions, we can put off having a baby, we can get to know each other all over again.”
Tears flooded my eyes and fell onto our hands.
“Listen,” he said softly. “Are you listening?”
I nodded because I was. This was a side of Bill I had never seen, and he had my attention.
He looked into me, his familiar brown eyes suddenly intense and lucid. “I don’t want you to get hurt. What is he giving up for you? He’s never been married because he doesn’t want to be. What makes you different? How do you know he doesn’t say the same things to the other girls? That’s what players do, Liv. He gets off on using women and tossing them aside, and you’re the ultimate conquest.”
My breath caught in my chest, stuttering to get out. “Bill,” I pleaded. “Stop.”
“No. You wanted me to break through, that’s what I’m doing. He’s not good for you. Even Dani says David has no regard for women, and he treats them like trash.”
Danielle. Lucy’s sister, David’s ex. Did he treat her like trash? Hadn’t she called him a gentleman? “She’s making that up because he didn’t choose her,” I said, but I heard the wavering in my own voice.
He shook his head slowly. “I didn’t want to tell you, but she said . . .” He hesitated and looked away for a moment. When his gaze returned, his expression was soft. “She said after he finally screwed her, she never heard from him again.”
My heart dropped. David had sworn to me that there’d been nothing more between them than a one-sided kiss at the masquerade ball. My mind flashed to that night. According to him, it was the last time they saw each other. And that night, we’d fucked hard and then we’d fought hard. He’d cast me aside angrily, maybe thinking he would never see me again. I couldn’t help myself from picturing her pink hoodie in his car, physical evidence of their relationship. “That’s not . . . true,” I said, trying to hide my internal struggle. Would Dani lie about that? Would Bill?
“Whether or not it’s true, it could happen. Think about how devastated you’ll be if you throw everything away for nothing.” He ran his hand over mine. “I’ll never leave you, babe,” he said as a tear ran down his cheek. “I’ve been by your side through all of this.”
I sniffled, and he winced as he straightened up and took my face. He leaned in, holding me still. His lips touched mine softly, and he kissed me. It was a different kiss than I was used to from him. It was humble and affectionate until he deepened it. He moaned, opening my mouth with his tongue.
“Stop,” I said, pulling back suddenly and wiping my face. “No, I can’t.”
His eyes, pained either by my words or by his broken nose, darted over my face. “Think about what you’re doing,” he said seriously. “You’re throwing everything down the drain for a fling. He doesn’t love you. I do. He doesn’t want you as his wife. I do.” I watched as more tears fell from his pleading eyes. “Liv.”
I shook my head and looked away. After a moment, he dropped my hands and stood up. “You’re making a huge mistake,” he warned, wiping the corner of his eye. He backed away and was gone as abruptly as he’d appeared.
I dropped my head in my hands and heaved a deep breath as his words rang through my head. ‘You’re making a huge mistake.’
Had David slept with Dani after the masquerade ball? And could I blame him if he had? I wasn’t sure that I could – after all, I was going home with my husband. But he’d definitely denied it, and that was not something I could forgive.
Before my mind could conjure up the image of them together as it had many times before, I inhaled a soothing breath and closed my eyes. My gut told me it wasn’t true. No part of me thought David would lie to me. I was mildly comforted until I began thinking about the other things Bill had said.
They were logical. They made sense. And I couldn’t ignore them.
The truth was, I had acted rashly. Always with David, my decisions were made based on emotion. And there were reasons, long ago, that I’d decided I would never allow that. It always led to pain.
Now that David had caught me, how long would he hold me? What rule was there that because I’d left my husband for him, he had to love me forever? I knew, I’d always known, there are no guarantees in love. More often than not, irrational love ended in pain. I felt suddenly ill . . . how had I let myself fall so deep in so little time?
My parents had been in love at one point, and they hadn’t lasted. Greg and Gretchen had had that out of control, burning love in college, but he had walked away without looking back for years. And up until recently, I’d assumed Bill and I would be together forever. I didn’t remember feeling one way or another about it, but I never imagined things would end. Doubts began to tug at me. My father and his ex-wife, Gina. Gretchen’s parents. David’s sister
and her husband. Was there no such thing as forever?
Was Bill justified to say I was throwing everything away?
I believed David. I believed that he believed he loved me and wanted to be with me. But he was a man who had been living the life of a bachelor for a long time. And that meant acting alone. It meant that he might cut and run if things didn’t go the way he wanted.
The thought of David leaving me now had me mentally curling up into a ball. How would it feel if he left in six months, a year, two years?
My stomach lurched with the harsh realization that I’d held Bill at arm’s length because I was weak. Lucy had been wrong to call me strong. I only pretended to be. The truth was, I wasn’t strong enough to withstand the pain of losing someone I loved. Or to handle my parents’ divorce. After all this time, I still couldn’t let it go. Because I was the weak one.
My instinct was to flee. After a lifetime of hiding from these feelings, I knew this moment was the time to get them under control. But for once they were unmanageable, and I knew if I tried to rein them in, I’d fail.
I started when my office door slammed. “What happened?” David demanded from across the office.
“David,” I hissed. “What if someone sees you here?”
“So what? Everyone’s at lunch, like you should be. What happened?”
I groaned. “You saw him.”
“Who?”
“Bill. He was just here.”
“No, I didn’t fucking see him. That’s why you canceled?”
“He needed to talk.”
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