“Actually, can I borrow some workout stuff? I’m going for a run.”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “I know from living with you that you only run when something is bothering you.”
“Yeah. It helps me sort through everything. I don’t really want to talk about it though.”
“Is it about David?” she asked, handing me her tennis shoes.
“Yes.”
“Is it bad?”
I sighed. “Yes.”
“How bad?”
I shook my head, rolling my lips together. “I don’t know yet.”
“Look, if there’s one thing Greg has taught me, it’s that communication is key. Whatever it is, don’t let it fester. You guys don’t leave ‘til tomorrow morning, right?”
I nodded.
“So talk to him.”
“I’m afraid that if I do, it will change everything.”
“It’ll be fine,” she said, waving a hand.
Fine. Everything will be fine. “Talk to him, huh?”
“Yeah. Don’t look so glum. He’s a good man, and he loves you like crazy. Trust him.”
I nodded. “I just have to prepare myself for the worst.”
“You shouldn’t do that, Liv. Positive vibes.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. And she was, but the truth was, now that I’d let my guard down, bracing myself for impact was the only defense I had. “The boys went to surf so you’re on your own with her.”
“Who?”
“Kat.”
“Oh.”
I left her, changed and headed out into the humidity. I tightened my ponytail and looked up at the grey sky, requesting that it wait until I’d finished to open up again. Quit my job? Travel the world? Marriage? Children? It was going to be a long run.
My mind instantly replayed the morning. I hoped I’d done the right thing telling David about Arnaud. I hated the idea that David trusted a weasel like him. And I’d meant what I’d said – I disliked Arnaud enough that I wouldn’t go to David’s office anymore.
I wondered if David had meant to propose. It was so sudden. It hadn’t occurred to me that he was already there, but then again, maybe he hadn’t known he was either. He said it had just come out.
If he’d thought about marrying me, then surely a family was something he’d considered. Had I given him the impression that I wanted children? Did he know that Bill and I argued about that over and over? How could he know that? Had I never told him?
Could I do it? Could I make the decision to have a child if the alternative was losing David? My heart nearly broke at the thought. Was that any way to bring a child into the world? I pictured David as a father, teaching his kid to surf or snowboard. I thought of the way he handled the things he loved and the way his face was serious and focused but so happy when he played with Alex. Fuck. I could never take fatherhood away from him.
I tried to picture myself as a mother. I’d never felt particularly warm toward children, but wouldn’t I feel differently about my own?
I sighed when I jogged by a woman pushing a stroller. The pit in my stomach told me that wasn’t me. That being a mom wasn’t in the cards for me. The question was, could I do it for David? Was there anything I wouldn’t do, wouldn’t give up for him?
~
David was still gone when I returned, so I treated myself to a long shower. As I washed my sweat away, I let myself think momentarily of traveling the world with David. Writing, eating, fucking, sleeping . . . no Beman to answer to, no judgmental friends or family, no children. Just the two of us living the dream . . . But is that all it is? A dream?
David had given me so many invaluable things, including his trust. I not only owed him my honesty; I wanted to give it to him. My instinct was to run, hide and retreat into my shell, but I wouldn’t do it. Not with him.
I changed into a striped sundress and went downstairs to find that the sun was out. Gretchen and I walked into town and had lunch until it was time for her to catch her flight. I called her a taxi, and just as she was loading her luggage, David and Brian jogged up with their surfboards.
“Bye guys,” she called with a wave.
“Gretchen – ” Brian started, but paused when Kat appeared on the porch. “Just, uh, have a nice flight.”
“Thanks,” she said with a large smile. And she looked stunning, even though her hair was tossed in a ponytail and she was wearing less makeup than I’d ever seen. Brian watched until the taxi was out of sight.
“You’re a beautiful thing to come back to,” David said, stooping for a kiss. “I like this dress.”
“Indeed, Liv,” Brian put in. “It’s quite fetching.”
David shot him a glare, and I giggled. “Did you guys have a nice surf?”
“Excellent,” David said. “Waves were much better today. Did you eat?” I nodded. “Good. I’m going to rinse off and drive these two to the airport.”
They disappeared behind the house together, so I sat on the porch to read. After a while, I looked up and Brian was standing in the doorway, freshly showered and dressed in a t-shirt and shorts. He sat down in the chair next to mine, glanced over his shoulder quickly and then back at me. “I had a great time this weekend.”
“Me too.” I smiled.
“No. I had a really great time. I think I’m going to ask Gretchen on another date.”
I closed the book and looked him over. “Really? What changed?”
“She puts up this shield, right? But when it comes down, she’s lovely. She’s kind and smart, and a little bit goofy too. I never dreamed she was so goofy.”
I laughed. “Greg is the reason for the shield. When they met, she changed for him – started wearing her hair differently, lost weight, dressed up all the time. When he left, it was inside that changed. I’m afraid that after this time, she’ll have trouble trusting again.”
“Then I have my work cut out for me,” he said. “But I have a feeling she’ll be worth it. I want to see more of the girl in the glasses.”
I smiled, but it quickly turned to a frown. “I think you’d better take care of this first,” I said, jerking my thumb toward the house.
“I will when we get back.”
“Then you have my blessing.”
“Do you think she’ll agree to a date?”
“I have no idea, but you should know, Greg called her this morning trying to feed her bullshit.”
“I’d better make it quick then.” He kissed me on the cheek and then wiped it with his thumb. “Oops. Don’t tell your boyfriend. I hear he has a temper.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it. See you at home?”
“Yes, ma’am.” He popped up to grab Kat’s bag when she opened the door, and the three of them piled into the car for the airport. Unable to concentrate on my book, I walked to the grocery store to purchase some things for dinner. I had an idea that we could picnic on the beach as the sun went down, so I bought an assortment of snacks and a bottle of wine. This is how life could be. Just us, no bullshit, watching the sunset and drinking wine.
At the house, I prepared everything and found a large blanket in the hallway closet. I left David a note and walked down to the beach where I unfurled the blanket and watched the water while I waited for him.
When, eventually, I had the distinct feeling that he was behind me, it was because he was. He sat with his front against my back, his long legs bent on both sides of me and his cheek against mine. “This is nice,” he said softly.
“Finally alone,” I responded. I leaned forward and excavated plastic cups from my bag to pour us each some wine.
I twisted my head up and watched him rub his eyes with tense fingers.
“Tired?” I asked.
“Stressed.”
“Why?”
“Work, Arnaud, the New York project.”
I nodded.
“You,” he added.
“Me?”
“I know something’s up.”
I sighed and looked out at the water.
“Yes, but let’s just enjoy the sunset for now.”
I settled back against him, giving him my weight and running my hands over his legs. “That feels good,” he murmured. “I’m sore from surfing.”
“How about a massage later?” I offered.
“I would be forever in your debt.”
I smiled and continued rubbing his legs as we looked out at the water.
“How’s my car, by the way?” he asked.
“There was a pretty significant dent in the hood when you left, right?”
He groaned. “Don’t fuck with me.”
I giggled. “It’s fine. Thanks for letting me take it. It was nice spending time with Jessa and Alex.”
“I warned her if she told any embarrassing stories about me, she’d be out a babysitter for life.”
I smiled. “Somehow I doubt you’ve ever done anything embarrassing in your life.”
“Of course I have. I proposed to my girlfriend, and she said no.”
I reddened and looked at my lap. “Did you mean it? Or was it an in-the-moment thing?”
“I meant it. I’m sorry it wasn’t more romantic.”
“It was perfect,” I whispered, because it was. I couldn’t think of anything more romantic than blurting it out because you couldn’t keep it inside another second.
We sat in silence until the sun dropped behind the horizon.
“Canyon passed away this morning,” he said.
“What?” I exclaimed.
“My mom called. They had to put him down.”
I turned between his legs and sat back on my calves. “Honey. I’m so sorry.”
“Me too. It was his time, but I thought we had a little longer.” He avoided my eyes, so I waited until they drifted back to mine. I couldn’t help tearing up at his expression.
His thumb touched the corner of my eye. “It’s okay,” he said, but I could see that he was hurting.
I nodded and kissed him suddenly. His hand moved to my hair to hold me there as he kissed me back, slowly at first and then deepening it. Since night was falling around us, I unfolded my legs and wrapped them around him so we were as close as we could get.
“Good thing I’m wearing a dress,” I said, and he laughed softly.
“I thought you hated beach sex.”
“Apparently I was doing it wrong.”
“I’m not going to have you here in front of everyone.”
“It’s dark,” I replied.
“Still.”
“I’m sorry about Canyon,” I whispered.
“It’s okay,” he whispered back.
“David?”
“Hmm?” he answered, brushing his lips over mine.
“Do you believe in soul mates?”
He paused. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t need it. I believe in you. I believe in us.”
“I believe in us too.”
His arms pulled me even closer, and he drew back to look me fully in the face. He ran his big hand over my hairline and held it there. It was dark, but I could see his eyes burning. “My turn,” he said. “Are you still black inside?”
My words from his mouth were sharp and painful. I inhaled back tears. “No.” I wasn’t. He had filled my emptiness with goodness and killed any poison in me.
“Good.” His hand moved to my jaw, and he pecked me. “Ready to go up?”
I shook my head no, so he stayed and kissed me a little longer until it was completely dark. Eventually we gathered up the blanket and walked back to the house hand in hand.
“How about that massage, surfer boy?” I suggested when we had put everything away.
He scooped me up in one swift movement and carried me up the stairs. “I love having you all to myself.” He set me down in the bedroom.
“Strip to your underwear,” I instructed as I went through my suitcase until I found what I was looking for. I headed into the bathroom to get the body oil I’d spotted earlier and to undress.
When I came out of the bathroom, the look on his face stopped my trek to the bed. “You brought your robe,” he said.
I looked down and ran my hands over the smooth, white slinkiness. “Just for you,” I said quietly. “Now, on your belly. And no screwing around, or you might get hurt.”
He chuckled as he shook his head and got into position. He waited with his arms tucked under his head, and I went to turn out the lights but decided against it.
I climbed over him, parted my robe to straddle his firm behind and squirted oil onto his back. I dove my hands into it, spreading it from his broad shoulders down to his narrow hips. I rubbed and kneaded, savoring every inch of him and working myself into a decent state of arousal as I did. I loved the way his skin felt under my fingertips and how his muscles relaxed at my probing touch.
“Turn over,” I whispered after a while. I lifted onto my knees to allow him to flip onto his back. When I settled myself against him, we both inhaled and he looked up at me from under heavy eyebrows. I filled my hands with oil, took a deep breath and touched his chest. I felt his pecs, his shoulders, his biceps. I made my way over the contours of his taut stomach. When I looked back at his face, his eyes were closed peacefully.
I was aware the moment he hardened under me. I was already wet against his underwear, had been for a while and was further aroused when the ridges of his cock twitched against me. I suppressed a moan at the thought of taking all of my man inside of me. You are unreal, I thought as I looked at him. What if this has all been a beautiful dream? And one of us will wake up too soon . . . .
A tear fell onto his stomach, but he didn’t notice. I slid my hands under his lower back and dragged them back up. I let my fingers graze under the waistband of his underwear, and he convulsed.
With his eyes still closed, he sighed heavily and ran his hands over the outsides of my thighs. My hand skated up his stomach and then down again, reaching slightly further under his waistband. He inhaled slowly but loudly and coaxed my hips over him, back and forth.
When his eyes opened, they were hungry, and he slipped his hand in my robe. It grazed over my breast and upward until he cupped my jaw. “You look like an angel,” he whispered. He pulled me down, and I curved my body to meet his lips. “A fantasy.”
I cocked my head slightly. A fantasy, I repeated in my head. A dream. A fantasy.
He kissed me slowly and I responded, unhurriedly letting my tongue memorize his mouth. My hips moved on their own, finding pleasure against the length of him. Without disconnecting from his mouth, I pulled down his underwear and put him inside me. We moaned at the same moment, exchanging hot breaths.
A dream. A fantasy. A dream. A fantasy. The words ran through my head like a prayer, an appeal to something higher. Don’t take this away from me. I can do it for you, for you I can do anything. I could never walk away. David . . . My David.
“David, my David,” I uttered involuntarily.
“Olivia,” he responded with his hands tangled in my hair. “Open your eyes.”
I let my face fall into the space between his neck and shoulder and gyrated faster.
“Baby.” His teeth were gritted, I could hear, and I knew he was close so I kissed his neck the way he liked. A dream. A fantasy. A dream. A fantasy.
He pulled my hair so I was forced to draw back, but I avoided his eyes. I held onto his shoulders and clenched his cock inside of me to push him over the edge. “Come, baby,” I coaxed.
“But you – ” he bit out, inhaling through his mouth. “Fuck,” he said when I picked up my pace and squeezed again, and I knew he was gone. I dug my fingers into his skin as he shuddered and released into me, gripping my hips. I watched his face with fascination as it contorted with carnal bliss. While his muscles relaxed into the mattress, I kissed his jawline reverently and made my way down to his neck where I rested my forehead against the pillow.
“Olivia,” he whispered hotly.
I didn’t move, unable to face him.
“Hey,�
� he said, pushing me off of his torso gently. “What happened?”
I looked at his pecs, because I had no response.
He sat up, still inside of me, and gripped my face. “What happened? Why didn’t you come?”
I shrugged and shook my head but kept my eyes downcast. How could I look him in the eye now? What would I say? “I love you,” I whispered.
He ran his hands over my body, feeling my back, my arms, my neck, my scar. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I nodded.
“Did I do something?”
My eyes flicked up to his finally, and I shook my head hard. “No,” I said. “Nothing. You’re perfect.”
“It was the proposal,” he said and pressed his lips together. “I scared you.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted with a nod.
“So talk to me then. Tell me what scares you, and I’ll fix it.”
I laughed softly. “My superhero.”
He took my jaw in both his hands. “Tell me.”
I looked down at my hands and body, covered in oil. “I just want to rinse off and then I’ll tell you everything,” I said. I crawled off the bed and because I wanted to spare him from what I was about to do, I added, “Just give me a few minutes alone.”
I closed the bathroom door and steadied myself against the counter for a moment. I looked into the mirror, knowing that this could change everything. But I also had a strange, fleeting moment of extreme peace when I thought about how completely I loved him.
CHAPTER 27
I TURNED THE HEAT UP HIGH and let the water soak me. I absentmindedly wiped oil from my hands until I could no longer hold it in. I sank to the ground, folded my arms over my knees and let everything out. Under the beating water, it all rushed out through hot tears – Bill’s harsh words from our last meeting, all the fears I still had and the ones I’d already conquered, my mother’s disappointment that was always in the back of my mind and of course, the possibility of losing David now.
And my heart leaked through my eyes. How could I possibly break everything we had built, everything we had fought for? Were things meant to end this way, with me on the shower floor, watching everything swirl down the drain? I heard the door open, but I couldn’t face him; not even when he crouched down next to me and ran his hand over the hair plastered to my back. My sobs redoubled at his touch, and I curled deeper into myself. Despite the burning of my eyes and the trembling of my body, his touch was soothing, and he remained there, petting me until I finished.
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