"Tara, when you were invited to that Bible study earlier, what did that mean? I thought you hated what I believed. That you didn't want to have anything to do with God."
"A lot has changed since you left, Josiah. A lot more than you realize." As her vision slowly adjusted to the dark, she thought she saw something glisten in Josiah's eyes. She had never known him to cry before, and yet three times since she'd run into him again he'd gotten emotional in front of her. It must be driving him crazy for her to see him so vulnerable.
"Does it mean what I think it means?" His voice held such emotion she didn't need to see him clearly to know what he was feeling.
"When I thought my mom was going to die, this chaplain at the hospital prayed with me. He asked me about my faith and when I told him I didn't have any, he told me about grace and forgiveness and how to be sure that I could know the Lord and serve Him for the rest of my life. I prayed that day to accept the Lord, and I haven't been the same since."
Suddenly shy, she peered up at Josiah, who grazed her cheek with the back of his knuckles. "So you're a Christian now. Is that what you're saying?"
Overcome with emotion and unable to speak, she merely nodded at the hope she heard in his voice.
Josiah moaned and uttered something unintelligible as he grabbed her tight. He spun her around until she felt dizzy and squealed for him to stop.
The world still spun when he set her on her feet again. She laughed and rested her head on his chest and hugged him until everything settled down and she no longer had sea legs.
As she rested against him and breathed in the scent of his skin through his clothes, she realized she could rest in his arms forever. She peered up at him through heavy lids and smiled. As he glanced down at her his gaze softened, then darkened. Her stomach trembled at that familiar look in his eyes.
He lowered his head and this time she tipped her chin up until their lips met. The fluttering sensations in her heart as he caressed her mouth with a soft, tentative kiss made her lightheaded. She relaxed her mouth as he kissed her more deeply. She met him kiss for kiss until her pulse raced and she lost herself in his arms.
She wanted to weep from the joy of being joined with him again in an intimate embrace, yet terror struck a chord in her heart when she thought about how easy it would be to give her entire being to him. She found herself wanting to get closer, but she'd be careful not to go too far.
The familiar warm, tingly sensation from her body's response to his kisses increased her hunger. The longer their lips explored and caressed the more she didn't care about how intense things were quickly becoming. She pressed against him and he did the same. Gasping for a breath between heated kisses, she released a low moan and said, "I've missed you."
This increased Josiah's fervor and they were transported back to the days when they were in high school and gave themselves to each other completely. Warning bells clanged in her brain as she felt his hands slide under her shirt, but she was powerless to resist him. She loved being able to bring Josiah to such a heated place, but at the same time she knew they would regret it if they got too carried away. They had entered the danger zone and neither of them seemed to want to stop.
She acted without thinking, and pushed away from him. "We can't do this."
Josiah plunged his fingers into his hair, obviously frustrated. His voice was hoarse when he said, "I'm sorry, Tara. I should've stopped."
Touching his lip with her finger, she whispered as she tried to catch her breath and said, "We can't be alone like this. It's too... hard to resist... you know..."
Josiah smirked and quipped, "It's hard all right."
She gasped and slapped his arm, "Josiah! I can't believe you just said that."
He feigned shock and laughed. "You can't? I wasn't the one grabbing body parts here."
Tipping her head down, she nodded before glancing up again. "I know. I'm sorry. That was too... aggressive."
He exhaled and fluffed his bangs again. "Hey, don't blame yourself. I started it by sliding my hands under your shirt."
She winked. "That was kinda yummy."
Tweaking her nose, he said, "You're too much temptation for me."
Tara batted her lashes like she'd seen Cherry do in the waiting room. "Thank you."
Josiah grew serious. His lids lowered as he moaned and said roughly, "Woman, what am I gonna do with you?" He grabbed her and pulled her into his arms. She reveled in the sensation of her cheek against his chest and the scent of his body so close to hers.
"Love me, Josiah. Just love me," she whispered so softly she doubted he heard her, but that was okay. She didn't want him to perceive her intense need for his affection. Not yet. She was too vulnerable right now. As she closed her eyes and clung to him, she felt him kiss her hair.
He muttered as his lips pressed against her scalp, "I will. I promise."
Chapter Ten
As Josiah stayed at Tara's house with her mother, he found himself nodding off a few times. It was late and Tara still hadn't returned home. Her mother was dozing on the couch, thankfully, so he couldn't complain. What were those women talking about? Their Bible study ended an hour ago.
The sound of keys sliding into a lock made him sit up straight. She was home. He rubbed his eyes and stood, determined to get out of her house before they got into a compromising position. With her mother conked out on the couch, it would be too easy to slip into her bedroom and get carried away. His body stirred just thinking about it.
Tara set her purse on the kitchen table and grinned wide as she entered the room. "Thank you so much for being here so I could go to that study. I had such a great time. I'd forgotten how much I missed having fellowship with other women."
"Not a problem. Glad I could help." She stepped closer, her face beaming. He'd never seen her look so happy. Or as stunningly beautiful.
God truly made all things new. Josiah would be a fool to mess up something as wonderful as Tara's changed heart. Only a selfish man would steal her joy. He determined to not be that kind of man.
"What are you thinking?"
The mischievous twinkle in her eyes made him smile. "You don't want to know."
"Oh yes, I do..." She pouted slightly and put her hands around his neck like she wanted to start slow dancing.
He pressed his lips together. Having her standing so close and looking so beautiful made his vocal chords freeze up. He could only stare like a fool. When she kissed him lightly, he had to force himself to receive her kiss and not continue on or follow up with another.
She let go of him, and the concern in her eyes as she stepped back to look at him made his chest tighten with worry. "What's wrong? Is it me?"
"No. Don't think that. It's..." His heart heavy, he wasn't sure how to explain without damaging her fragile emotions.
"It's what?" Her gaze hardened.
"I want you, Tara. To me, you're more beautiful now than you've ever been."
"If that's all that's got you worried..." She smiled, rested her forearms around his neck, and started kissing him again.
He gently nudged her away. "I'm not finished."
With a wary look in her eyes, she conceded and sat on the loveseat across from where her mother snoozed on the big couch. "O-kay."
"Don't misunderstand me, but..." Her eyes fill with tears and her chin tremble, and he realized she was barely holding it together.
"Just say it. Please." Tara was crying now and it broke his heart.
"I'm afraid that I... well, I love you, Tara. I don't want to hurt you again."
She stopped crying and squeaked, "You love me?"
"Yes." He framed her face with his hands. "The fact that you're a Christian now means you're not off limits anymore. I can't tell you how happy that makes me." His voice trembled, but he forced the rest out. "I don't think I can see you... alone. I just want to... you know... because my feelings are so strong. I can't help it."
He released her face before he devoured her lips. Closing his eyes, he tried
to pull himself together. Somehow, he needed to stay in control of his body and his mind. Taking every thought captive had never been so difficult.
He opened his eyes at the sensation of her hand on his face. The yearning in her gaze made him quake deep inside until he found his mind starting to justify what he wanted to do.
"I know exactly how you feel." Her eyes seemed to call out to him to love her completely. And his flesh was screaming 'Go for it!'
He wanted to succumb so badly, he quaked as he resisted his natural urges. With every ounce of self-control he possessed, he placed his hands over hers and gently removed them from his face. "I want to be with you in every way, too, Tara. But we can't."
She lowered her gaze. "I know."
Blowing out an exhausted breath from fighting such a daunting battle with his flesh, he continued, "I don't know how we can keep seeing each other and--"
Her head popped up and she snapped as she poked his chest, "Don't tease me, Josiah. Don't tell me you love me and you want me and then tell me we can't see each other. Are you trying to make me crazy?"
He hadn't thought about how his statement might be perceived by her. "I'm not trying to tease you. I'm just telling you how I feel. I know exactly what's going to happen if we keep seeing each other."
"Yeah? What's that?" She watched him closely.
He shuddered under her perusal, but her gaze held him fast, demanding an answer.
"I want to make love to you, Tara." He ran a shaky hand through his hair and inwardly chewed himself out for being so blunt. "But we can't. You know it will ruin what we have."
A soft look appeared in her eyes and he sensed her yielding to him, offering herself to him with the pure love shining from her eyes. The only way to solve the problem would be to marry her, but was that what God wanted?
He'd only been back in town a few weeks and yet he was so taken with the idea of being with her again, he couldn't think straight. There didn't seem to be a viable solution outside of running away with her to Vegas and eloping.
"I want more, Josiah." Her eyes glistened as she gazed at him.
The yearning in their depths pulled his will apart, weakening his resolve to do the right thing. "Please, don't--"
"I'm not trying to tempt you. I'm just being honest." She leaned close and kissed him so gently he couldn't help longing for another.
When he didn't move away from her, she kissed him again, but this time she lingered.
His body tensed and throbbed. Pretty soon the pulsing sensation would cut off all rational thought. He hated that his need was so strong. He'd behaved for almost four years. That had to count for something. What would it hurt to give in just this once?
As she kissed him again, she closed her eyes and slid over until she was directly on his lap. Every inch of him was now on fire and desiring her like he needed his next breath.
Groaning, he gave himself over to the feel of her mouth teasing his. He yielded and slid his tongue gently against hers until they were doing a dangerous dance with their heavy kissing alone. He was about to lose control and they hadn't even passed first base.
Tara turned and straddled him as she pressed closer and teased his mouth just like she used to do the last year they were a couple. It would kill him to stop things when he knew what they both wanted, but he had to, and soon.
Her warm, wet mouth teased his and slid along his neck. He forced himself to resist the sensation that made him want to take her right there on the couch. And with her mother only a few feet away. That was how he knew he was losing his grip on reality.
"Wait." He grabbed her arms and gently pushed them back.
The drugged look in her eyes mirrored what he felt. In a matter of seconds, she seemed to come out of the fog. She blinked hard and slid from his lap.
Neither spoke, but he could see that she was thinking about something because of the worried look on her face. "I'm sorry. You're right. You need to go. No more talking tonight. All of this emotional stuff is making me lose myself and what I know is right."
He sighed with relief. She did understand. Thank you, Lord.
Without waiting in case he changed his mind, he stood and grabbed his keys. She walked him to the door and he gave her a quick peck on the lips. "Let's cool down for a few days and then we can talk about this some more. Okay?"
Tara grimaced. "I am so sorry."
"Stop apologizing. I'm just as guilty. You're hard to resist, Tee." He tapped the end of her nose and ducked out the door before she had a chance to come up with a snappy retort.
The moment he slipped into the secluded front seat of his vehicle, he opened his heart before the Lord and confessed everything he'd thought, or desired; knowing that God knew his heart anyway and nothing was hidden from Him. When he finished, he felt a weight lifting from his shoulders. Confession truly was good for the soul.
The problem would be how he would deal with Tara the next time they were alone. She was a drug to him, and he was an addict when he was in her presence. Could something so intense be from God? Were they meant to be together or was this about his flesh lusting for what he couldn't have?
He was pretty sure he really did want Tara for herself, for her heart, mind, and soul. But he also knew that man's heart was deceitful and wicked, which was why they needed to give each other space, and the time to get to know each other again without all of the sexual tension. But the question was how in the world they would do that, when they were both so attracted to each other?
Given their history, it seemed impossible, but he had to find a way.
*****
For the next two months Josiah practically ran from Tara's apartment when she got home from the women's Bible study. It was the only way he knew how to deal with temptation. He had to literally flee from her presence.
A couple of times he could tell it hurt Tara's feelings when he gave her a quick peck and ran off, but in the long run she'd be glad he did. The only other time they were alone together he was teaching her how to drive. It didn't take long for her to get the skills back, and soon she was driving without needing any verbal prompts. Now it was time to back off further, but he didn't think he could do it.
He hesitated at her door when he brought her home. He knew better than to step inside at this point. Knowing that didn't make it any easier, though.
She smiled at him, her eyes reflecting worry that he was pulling further away. She was right. That was exactly what he was doing. He had to.
"Your driving is so much better now. I think you're ready to continue on your own."
"Thanks to you. I appreciate your help."
"Isn't this Wednesday the last night for your women's Bible study?"
"Until they schedule the next one. Sometimes they alternate and the opposite studies are held during the day. If it's during the time I'm working, I'll have to wait for the next one."
"So I'll see you around town then? Maybe at next weekend's show if you're participating? I've missed hanging out with Miss Beasley."
She scanned him warily. "I suppose I'll be there unless something comes up. You want to get together before then?"
Of course he wanted to. The question was did he dare risk it and chance losing her altogether? Or should he play it safe and keep a healthy distance from her?
"What do you want?" His gaze traveled to her generous lips.
Tara's lids lowered and she offered him a tempting smile. "What I always want."
He stepped back and tapped the step with the tip of his boot. "That's not a good idea. You know that."
Her shoulders sagged. "I know. But I still want it."
"I'll call you, okay?"
She didn’t look up, but just nodded when he stepped back.
"Bye, Tara."
The door shut and he could hear her weeping on the other side. He rested his arm against the frame for a moment longer and cringed. How he hated for her to feel rejected, but at the same time, it was better than the alternative. They weren't ready for marriage
yet, and neither of them wanted to be fornicators, though sometimes it didn't seem as bad as the alternative, which was the waiting game. Then again, if sin wasn't tempting no one would ever do it, right?
Josiah pulled up to his house. His heart hammered when he saw an ambulance parked outside, lights flashing. The siren had been turned off, but the lights alone were enough to scare him half to death. Had his father had another heart attack? Or had something happened to his mother this time? He walked in the front door and headed for the kitchen where he found EMTs packing up their things.
A body lay on a stretcher and a sheet covered it. His mother's harsh wailing told him his father lay under the sheets. He opened his arms and his mother stepped into his embrace. His mother soaked his shirt with her tears as he came to grips with what had happened.
"What's going on?" he squeaked.
"We were just eating dinner and talking and your father inhaled something. He coughed but he couldn't get it out. I tried everything I could think of, but he turned blue and hit the floor. I called 911, but they were too late."
His father had choked on a lousy piece of food? If he had been home he could've done that maneuver on his father, and then he would've coughed up the food and started breathing again. But he'd been with Tara. Thinking about Tara. Wanting to be with Tara in every way.
In fact, he'd even dragged out their last ride together so he could be with her longer. If he had kept to the original plan, his father might still be alive. He couldn't blame Tara for it, though. But that wouldn't stop him from blaming himself.
"Ma'am, do you want to ride with us to the hospital?"
His mother looked at Josiah and glanced at her husband, who lay dead under the sheet. "Should I go with him? Is there any point to that?"
He knew she wanted to add since her husband was already dead, but didn't know how to word things. "Ask them."
"Why would I need to go?"
"He needs to be pronounced deceased ma'am. We can do that without you, but it's better if someone who is family rides along and fills out the paperwork."
The Lonely Lady Page 9