Her mother touched her hand. As she peered into her mother's eyes she noted a hint of sadness in them, too. Did her mother know she was hurting and why?
"I'll be okay, Mom. I'm just missing... him."
Her mother raised her eyebrows.
"Josiah. Remember? My boyfriend from back in high school. The one who took us to the neurologist appointment."
Confusion registered in her mother's eyes. She suffered from short-term memory loss, so she probably didn't remember. It must be so hard to not be able to recall even basic things.
Her mom uttered a guttural sound and she tried to decipher it, but couldn't. Her mom repeated what she'd just said. It sounded like "I'm sorry," but she couldn't tell for sure.
"I'm going out today, Mom. I can't stay here feeling like this. I hope you don't mind."
With a smile, her mother made a waving gesture, which told Tara her mom was glad she was going out instead of moping around.
Any day now she'd know when Josiah's father's funeral would be held. So far she hadn't seen anything in the paper about it. Just that he passed away. Maybe she'd get a paper while in town today and check one more time.
As Tara finished dressing in her Miss Beasley socialite costume, she thought about Josiah and what she would do if she ran into him in town. She doubted he'd be there since he was involved in funeral preparations, but part of her hoped she would see him.
After giving the caregiver some basic instructions and kissing her mother goodbye, she hopped in the truck Josiah had given her as a gift. It ran great even if it was previously designated as a Junque for Jesus donation. So if Josiah could give her a vehicle to help her out, why couldn't he give her just a piece of his heart? She wouldn't ask for much. Just enough to carry her through each day.
She sighed as she parked across the street from the old high school. A lot of tourists were already milling about. Since she was a bit thirsty, she stopped at the ice cream shop across from the Bird Cage Theater and got an ice cream soda. As she sat on the barstool sipping the cool drink, she searched the rack where they kept the local papers. She nearly choked when she saw that Josiah's father had made the front page of the Tombstone paper.
Sliding off her seat, she grabbed the top paper and asked the waitress to add it to her bill. As she read, she found herself smiling more than once. Josiah's dad had lived in the community a long time and was loved and respected by residents and merchants alike. There was even a small portion of the featured article that included an interview of Josiah.
The reporter had asked him what he planned to do with the ranch since his father was no longer able to run it. Josiah said that he met with investors and employees and they agreed to scale down on some of their production. He planned to open a portion of the ranch and make it a place where children and adults with disabilities could get Equestrian therapy. He even mentioned children with autism and people with head injuries.
She read on and discovered that Josiah no longer planned to finish his last semester of school, but felt that God had called him back to Tombstone to stay. Sadly, Josiah had told her none of these things, but had shared his plans with a reporter he didn't even know for an article the entire town would read.
At the very bottom of the article she read that a memorial service for his father would be held at the Cowboy Church in Tombstone. She remembered Josiah asking if she had ever visited there before. But hadn't Josiah implied that his parents attended a different church? Now she was confused.
Regardless, since it was open to the public, she'd be there. No matter what, she would celebrate the life of her first love's father along with Josiah and family friends despite the current strain in their relationship. She didn't want to miss out on something that only occurred once. And if she and Josiah were ever to marry, she wanted to share the memory with him.
She finished her drink and took the paper with her as she left the shop to stroll toward the center of town. She was halfway down the dusty road when she realized she'd forgotten her parasol. The bright sun hurt her eyes and for a moment she considered driving back to her house and getting it, until she spotted a familiar looking preacher standing down by the alley that led to the Six Shooter. Josiah.
As she approached, she suddenly realized he wasn't alone. He was leaning against the brick wall of the building and talking to someone who looked like Daisy Duke because her shorts were so high up her thighs it was almost indecent. What Tara wouldn't do to have perfect legs like that lady had. As she held a little boy's hand Tara recognized her as the woman named Cherry from Whetstone, who they'd met in Tucson at the doctor's office.
The beautiful blonde bent forward to nudge her boy, Aiden, towards Josiah and Tara couldn't miss the eyeful that Cherry had no doubt intended for Josiah to see. The red tinge on his neck told Tara he hadn't missed the ample flesh spilling from her top.
Josiah turned his face away and offered the little boy a hug. He then took off his hat and laid it on the child's head. Aiden squealed and giggled and started spinning around. Tara couldn't help smiling. She had no idea that Josiah had such a way with kids who had disabilities.
His eyes met hers and he stood. "Hey, Tara."
Aiden turned, and when he saw Tara, he dropped Josiah's hat and ran until he plowed into her and nearly knocked her off balance. She had to squat in her dress to talk to Aiden, but she didn't mind. "How are you today?"
A smile covered Aiden's face as he offered her a hug.
Cherry approached and said, "I'm sorry. He's overly friendly with strangers. I keep telling him not to walk up to people he doesn't know, but he thinks if he's seen you once that you're life long buddies. Right, Aiden?"
He nodded and screeched for his mother to pick him up. Before she could bend to lift him he darted past her. She ran and caught him before he'd gotten far. When she bent over to scoop him up Tara saw that she wore no underwear under her too-short shorts.
Josiah hadn't missed it either and muttered, "Whew, it's getting hot out here."
Tara snorted and slapped his arm. "You know you liked that."
Cherry headed back to them with Aiden in her arms. Her ample chest spilled even more from her top because of the way she held her son.
Josiah turned to face Tara and said, "Not as much as you probably think."
"Oh really?" Tara rested her hands on her hips. "And what would you think if I wore a similar outfit?"
"I'd run to the nearest store and buy something to cover you up. I don't like it when women show themselves off like that. You know me. I'm a one woman guy."
She raised her eyebrows. "So who's your woman right now?"
Josiah frowned. "If I have to tell you, then you're not as smart as I thought."
Rolling her eyes, she said, "If you'd call me once in a while, maybe I'd be more sure of things. And what's this I read in the paper? You told the reporter stuff you've never told me."
He took the paper she offered and glanced at the front page. "Can I keep this?"
"Sure. You can have my copy since I found what I was looking for. So what's this about you starting Equestrian Therapy at your family's ranch?"
"I've been thinking about it ever since Tucson. I told you that."
She nodded, now remembering that he had. "How did you find the time to play your role as preacher when you have funeral arrangements to make?"
Josiah's face reddened. "Are you saying I shouldn't be here? My dad made them already. He'd planned every detail when he was in the hospital from his heart attack, so Mom and I didn't have to do anything."
"Oh, sorry. Because I hadn't heard from you I'd just thought..." Tara sensed Aiden's mom tapping her foot beside them.
"Well, you were wrong." Josiah turned. He tipped his hat to Cherry and Aiden and said, "I've got to go now. It was nice seeing you again."
Cherry darted her gaze between Josiah and Tara and seemed to realize she'd been given the brush off. She turned and left with Aiden without saying goodbye. Aiden had a fit as expected, but his moth
er kept walking with him until they turned a corner and she couldn't see them anymore.
"Did she come here looking for you?"
"I don't know. Did you?" He scanned her face as if testing her response.
She wouldn't lie to him. "I planned to be here anyway before our... incident. Since you hadn't called me to tell me anything, I thought I'd see if the services for your father would be in the local paper."
Josiah tipped his head down. "Oh. Sorry about that."
They stood next to each other for several minutes without speaking. Josiah finally looked up and captured her gaze. "Is that all it was to you? An... incident?"
She shifted her feet and swallowed hard. "No."
His shoulders relaxed as he exhaled. "We need to talk. Are you free to come over to my place for lunch?"
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Her face heated as she remembered the last time they were alone, and how much they had done.
His neck reddened and he said, "If you're worried that I might seduce you at my place, you don't have to worry. My mom's at home this morning. Besides, there is no way I could get that outfit off of you before you slapped me senseless.
A giggle erupted from Tara's throat. "Who says I'd stop you?"
The worried look in Josiah's eyes told her that was the last thing he wanted to hear. While she was remorseful to an extent because she was a Christian and knew that behavior was wrong, now that she was standing so close to Josiah she could easily see herself falling into bed with him again. Old habits die hard, right? So what was she to do?
"Tara... I... this is really hard for me to say... but..."
She took his hand and said, "Let's walk up to my truck where we can talk alone."
He nodded and cast his attention to his feet most of the way there.
Tara opened the door with her key and leaned over to open his. It was a bit warm in the truck, but not enough to make her want to stand outside. As they pulled their doors shut, she prayed for wisdom and self-control. She did not want to ruin things between them.
"Whenever you're ready," she whispered, her throat tight. As she examined him, her heart pitter-pattered. Why did she get the feeling it would be bad news?
Josiah puffed a long breath through his lips and quipped, "I don't know that I'm ever going to be ready for this."
Her chest constricted. "What do you mean?"
He peered up and looked her straight in the eyes, his gaze pleading with her to understand. "I don't know how I can keep seeing you, Tara. It's too hard."
She reached for his hand with her gloved one. "Don't say that. We'll work things out."
Josiah shook his head and broke eye contact. "I don't know how to..."
As Tara waited for him to answer, raw fear squeezed her chest. While they'd messed up the other night and done more than they should have, she didn't want to break up over it. "Then don't. If you don't know how to do it then just... don't."
He peered up, his face contorted with an amused, yet tortured smirk. "I was going to say I don’t know how to keep my hands off of you. I feel like we've all ready been married because of how much time we spent together in bed... in the past."
"So when I said 'then don't', you were thinking I meant then don't keep your hands off of me?" She covered her mouth so she wouldn't start laughing.
The serious look in Josiah's eyes told her that would be a bad idea right now.
She dropped her hand and tried not to giggle.
He swallowed and traced her jaw with his finger. "That was selfish of me, you know?"
"What was?"
"Persuading you to have sex with me."
Her heart pounded. What was he saying? "But you didn't. I wanted it, too."
"I'm not talking about the other night. I'm talking about when we were in high school. I am sorry I used you to make me feel better. Then once we got started I couldn't get enough of you... I'm afraid that's going to happen to us again. I can't let that happen."
Her attention honed in on the first part of his statement and she blinked in disbelief. "You... used me? I thought you had cared about me."
"I did... eventually." His eyes glistened with a shimmer of tears and his remorse was evident in his tone of voice. He couldn't have been gentler, but it still hurt. The truth in his statement was a hard revelation to take.
She peered at him, now worried. "But you meant it when you'd said that you cared about me, right?"
"Not at first... but I did after awhile."
"So you did use me. Wow. I never realized..." Tears streamed from her eyes and she didn't try to stop them. "Why are you telling me this now? Are you trying to hurt me?"
He shook his head. "I'm trying to be honest with you. I didn't respect you for giving in to me so easily, but then once we got started I didn't want to stop. I did develop feelings for you. Intense feelings. That was why I couldn’t keep in contact with you when I went to college. Everything I thought I'd already dealt with rose to the surface again when I saw you the night you cut my hair. That scared me because I hadn't realized how powerful my feelings still were."
"I know what you mean." She bit her lip, terrified of what might come next. She couldn't imagine a future without him. "So what do we do now?" Please don't say we need to break up.
"I think we need to take it slow. I know how easy it is for us to forget our convictions. I am not ready to be married yet, but if we can't stop doing it then I don't see what other solution there is."
"You're saying you'd marry me just so we would stop sinning. Is that it?"
He nodded, a sheepish look on his face. "Sorry."
"Gee, how romantic. You can't stop sleeping with me so you'll marry me to make us legitimate. Makes me feel like a prostitute, you know? Like you're saying you feel you need to make an honest woman out of me." Her voice trembled the more she realized how insulted she felt. But hadn't she felt the same way about herself? At least he wasn't blowing smoke at her.
"I know it sounds harsh." Josiah squeezed her hand. "But I don't want to lie to you anymore."
"When you said you loved me last night before we did... that... did you mean it then?"
He blew out a long breath and ruffled his bangs. When he glanced up, several tears had spilled from his eyes. "I don't know."
A punch in the gut would've hurt less. But hadn't she felt the same way? She'd wanted him at the moment, but afterwards if she'd truly loved him, she wouldn't have felt such a deep sense of shame. She gazed up until their eyes met. "I thought you'd say that. I was hoping you wouldn't, but..."
His face blurred as her eyes filled again with fresh tears.
"I'm sorry, Tara. It breaks my heart to see you hurting like this."
He cupped her face and held it so she had to look at him. But she couldn't right now. The pain was too fresh. So she shook her head.
Pulling her toward him, he kissed the tears from her cheeks. The pain she'd bottled up now burst forth like a shaken bottle of soda and she sobbed.
Josiah pulled her close and held her in silence for several minutes. She released the deep-seated pain she'd buried years ago from having given herself away prematurely, and being unsure of their future now.
He kissed her head and she heard him mutter, "God, forgive me," as he held her tight.
Chapter Thirteen
Josiah sat at the front of the Cowboy Church with his family and friends as he waited for the services to begin. He'd searched the room several times for Tara, but hadn't seen her yet. He wanted to tell her she could sit by him, but he couldn't do that if she didn't show up. Not that she wanted to talk to him since their discussion in the truck. When he drove her home that afternoon they had decided to be just friends... for now. So why was she avoiding him?
The pianist began playing an old Johnny Cash song that his father had loved, and Josiah wept. How he wished she would sit by him and help him get through this. Tara had always been there to comfort him, even when she didn't realize it. His heart ached at the thought of never seeing
her again. Maybe he loved her more than he realized. Maybe it wasn't just about desire or attraction.
Someone tapped on his arm and he glanced up. An usher had led Tara to his row just like he'd requested. Tara seemed nervous, so he tried to put her at ease with a tender smile. "I'm so glad you could make it."
She sat beside him and reached for his hand. Without thinking, he immediately stroked her knuckles with his thumb. It felt so good to have her by his side. It helped him to get better control of his emotions, too. For that he was thankful.
The moment the service ended, he encouraged Tara to stand by him when he said goodbye to the people in line. She started to protest, but he put his arm around her waist and said, "You're staying with me. Don't leave me, Tara. Please."
His eyes must've looked desperate because she conceded without a fight.
*****
Tara felt a bit awkward shaking hands with and embracing people she didn't know, but at the same time her participation made her feel like family. She glanced over at Josiah's mother, who smiled warmly. Tara's heart fluttered. Had Josiah told his mother about them? She must know something about Josiah's feelings for her or she would question Tara's place in line, right?
When she turned back to face the people heading her way, she saw that blonde chick Cherry embracing Josiah a bit too tightly. He looked like he tried to break free from her hold and she wasn't making it easy for him. She whispered in his ear and Josiah's cheeks flamed just like they had back in the doctor's office when they'd first met Cherry.
Josiah avoided eye contact with Cherry and searched for the next person in line. When the blonde stood in front of Tara, Cherry hesitated and didn't offer her hand despite Tara's welcoming gesture.
"What are you doing here?" Cherry asked, her voice quiet.
Tara thrust her hand out further and Cherry grasped the tips of her fingers and shook her hand so fast Tara scarcely felt the contact.
"Me? We've been friends a long time." Tara glanced over at Josiah, who was still looking away from them as if he didn't want to talk to Cherry anymore.
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