And over what? A plastic fucking dummy.
Ana quickly checks her appearance in the rearview mirror. Her makeup job hasn’t held up too well but there’s not much she can do about that, apart from brush her hair forward.
She sees him get out of his car and climbs out herself, casting a quick glance at her house as she hurries to cut him off. It looks just like any other house. A bit creepy maybe in its current state of disrepair but there’s no evidence on the outside of what waits for her inside.
Officer Lynch remains by his car, as if looking for her permission to come closer. When Ana slows her approach he takes a few steps in her direction. And there they are, right on cue, the butterflies she always got whenever he turned up. In an instant she’s a kid again, excited by the arrival of her first schoolgirl crush. Actually her only schoolgirl crush, except he wasn’t a boy, he was already a man who only had eyes for her mother, and what she’s feeling now isn’t excitement. Ana is surprised to see his face flushing with embarrassment.
For a long moment neither of them say a word, at least not with their mouths. His eyes search hers and she sees them narrow when he notices the damage on her face.
‘I wasn’t sure the other day if you remembered me.’
Ana pins him to the spot with her gaze.
‘From when my mother died or from before that when you were fucking her?’
He looks shocked by her directness. Good.
Ana goes for a casual shrug.
‘My mother had a lot of boyfriends.’
She should have stopped after her first line, that was strong but this one sounds weak, like she wants to hurt him, to make him think he was nothing special to her mother. To her. They both know it’s not true. Her mother did have a lot of boyfriends – if you can call them that – but the truth is the faces of all those men have blurred into one over the years. His is the only one she remembers, the only one she still sees in her mind on the other side of the glass. His eyes burning into hers.
Ana averts her gaze, trying to stop the image from taking hold.
‘Yeah, I guess she did,’ Lynch finally manages.
The faint smile that appears on his face feels condescending to Ana, who doesn’t know him well enough anymore to recognise it as the nervous habit he’s developed to hide his discomfort. He never had it when she was a kid. His young face was much more open, his overly confident smile a part of what made him so appealing. Sex on legs, according to her mother. He was the only one Ellen let hang around for more than that. Her one serious chance at something real, or so she said. That’s something else Ana doesn’t want to think about.
Lynch runs a self-conscious hand through his hair.
‘How have you been?’
Ana stares blankly back at him, unsure what face she should be wearing in the circumstances. Is he actually trying to make small talk?
He seems to realise he’s acting like a dick without her having to call him on it.
‘I’m sorry … The other day I wasn’t … To be honest, when I saw you standing there at the counter for a moment I thought …’
He shakes his head, like he too wants to purge whatever image has entered it. He struggles to find the words to explain.
‘You look a lot like her.’
So she was right, it was like seeing a ghost for him.
Ana can almost smell it on him. His shame. It reminds her too much of her own.
Did he recognise the spot when he followed her here, she wonders. The old tree, partially hidden now by the younger ones growing up around it. It’s hard to see, unless you know it’s there, like they do. Does he wonder, like Ana did, if her mother drove the car into it on purpose?
She sees his eyes shift to the house, taking in the disrepair, the overgrown garden.
‘I was here a few days ago,’ he says. ‘Canvassing the neighbourhood. I wasn’t sure if …’
You need to get him out of here.
‘I’m sorry but I’ve got a sick dog inside, I don’t have time for whatever this is.’
‘Sure, it’s just I heard your grandmother died and –’
‘That was a long time ago.’
A long time in which she’s managed just fine on her own.
Ana starts back in the direction of her car, trying to let him know they’re done.
‘I actually have a couple of questions … Official questions.’
Ana stops.
Of course he does. He’s in uniform, isn’t he? Did you think he came here for you?
‘You never finished your report about the van.’
‘I said all I had to say.’
‘Sure, but we just have a few more questions.’
Again he looks at the house. What does he think? That she’ll invite him in, give him a cup of tea? Play a game of Scrabble?
Ana doesn’t move.
‘The young officer you made the report to said you spotted it when you were out walking your dog?’
Ana nods.
‘And it was just that once?’
‘Yes.’
‘Did you see anything else, anyone hanging around or …?’
Ana only half listens, nodding yes or no while burning with questions of her own. She knows she shouldn’t but the words come tumbling out of her mouth.
‘Does it belong to him? The guy you’re looking for? Did he kill her?’
‘They don’t know, not yet …’
‘But they tested it for DNA, didn’t they? You must know something by now.’
‘I only know what the detectives choose to tell me, which isn’t much … They might want to talk directly to you.’
‘I told you! I don’t know anything –’
She’s stopped by the faint but distinct sound of whistling coming from the direction of her house. Fuck! She was so caught up when she was leaving that she left the monitor on and at full volume. She had no idea sound travelled so far out here.
Ana forces herself not to react. She can handle this.
She sees Lynch has clocked the sound, his eyes flicking past her to the house.
‘I assumed you lived alone.’
Why would he assume that? Has he been making enquiries about her? Checking up on her?
For a moment all Ana wants is to unburden herself, she even opens her lips to speak, to confess it all …
‘My boyfriend stays over sometimes.’ She doesn’t look at him or wait to see his reaction. ‘I’m sorry but I really need to get inside.’
She was hoping the indirect approach would stop Lynch in his tracks and it does but still he hasn’t moved. He wants to say something more.
‘Please … can you go now?’ Ana looks at the ground, wondering if she should try to force herself to cry but she doesn’t want to slip the lid off that well again.
‘Ana, is there something wrong? Are you in some sort of trouble?’
‘No! I just want you to leave me alone.’
Lynch backs off. He nods, an infuriatingly kind look on his face as he reaches into his pocket and hands her his card.
‘If you think of anything more or … if there’s anything you need –’
Anything she needs? What can she possibly need from him now? It’s a lame effort and they both know it.
He leaves it there and heads for his car.
The whistling grows in volume as Ana hurries to collect her groceries. She casts a furtive look back as she leans into her car and is relieved to see Lynch shutting his door.
Ana carries her bags to the house, watching him accelerate away. She stays there on the porch staring out at the road, long after his car has disappeared.
It’s not finished between them but he won’t be back for a while.
THIRTY-THREE
The whistling stops the moment Ana closes the door.
She stands there, waiting, but there’s not another peep out of him.
There’s no sign of River at the end of the hall but Ana already knows where he’ll be. She takes a deep breath, filling her lungs
with silence. Before she can decide on her next step she’s startled by the sudden ring of the telephone.
As usual she lets the machine pick it up.
‘Ana, are you there?’ The familiar sound of Lenny’s voice reaches out to her and she almost collapses in relief. ‘Please pick up if you’re there …’ But then she remembers the last time she saw him, his unforgiving face staring back at her from the couch where he’d just woken up right after she stole from him. ‘Fuck, I wish you’d join the human race and get a mobile.’ He sounds stressed and annoyed. Maybe he already knows. ‘I’m sorry to do this but Kristy has called in sick. If you get this can you come in, even just for a few hours?’ He pauses there but doesn’t hang up. ‘I hope River’s okay –’ The machine cuts him off and the house falls back into silence.
Ana slips off her shoes, then sneaks down the hallway to find River sitting at attention in front of the monitor, ears pricked. He glances briefly back at her before returning his focus to it, flipping his tail in anticipation of more from the man downstairs. There’s something disconcertingly Pied Piper-ish about it. Luke’s disembodied presence having taken precedence over everything else for River, even over her.
When nothing more comes he paws at the bench, stretching up as far as his sore leg will allow, trying to get at the mystery of what’s on the other side of the monitor.
Ana knows exactly how he feels.
She lets her shopping drop to the floor with a thud, then looks down at the floorboards. She can almost see him standing there directly below her, staring up at the ceiling as he works out the next move in his campaign to disarm her, scare her, send her around the fucking twist. Whatever his game is this time, it won’t work.
She picks up the phone to call Lenny back, having decided the awkwardness of spending time with him is preferable to the current state of play here. A few hours in the real world will give her some much-needed perspective.
*
Luke is in the shadows doing push-ups when she enters.
Like a fighter preparing for a match.
Ana has already changed into her work uniform and holds a tray in her arms. She doesn’t take her eyes off him as she stops behind her chalk line, placing it on the ground and pushing it in his direction with her foot. It’s not what he asked for. It’s breakfast food, but abundant. Bacon and eggs with all the trimmings. She hasn’t drugged any of it. A couple of clean meals will get his stomach juices flowing and his suspicion of her cleared before she takes care of him.
She’s even brewed real coffee and the smell of it floats deliciously in the air between them. She ate the same thing herself upstairs and feels stronger for it.
Ana smooths her uncharacteristically crumpled uniform as she remains there poised over the tray, one hand lingering on her abdomen. The bruise he left her with glares out at him from her face. She’s given up even trying to conceal it. Better to just make up a credible excuse the next time anyone notices. Otherwise it just looks like she’s got something to hide.
‘The shop was all out of steak and baby potatoes,’ she says, immediately wishing she’d kept her mouth shut and just left. Every time she tries to be smart she ends up feeling weak and ineffectual.
Luke doesn’t falter in his focus, continuing to ignore her and the tray despite the fact that it’s been days since he had a proper meal. She can see he already weakened and ate the crackers and cheese from the evidence of the empty packets lying where he tossed them by the stairs.
‘I have to get to work.’
She’s at the stairs when his voice stops her.
‘What are you, a nurse?’
‘Something like that.’
Before she can move on he comes out of the shadows.
‘You said you wanted to help me. Was that a lie?’
Ana doesn’t answer but she doesn’t leave either.
Despite the casual attitude he looks a bit crazed now, like he didn’t sleep at all. He holds one hand to his head, his exertions having exacerbated his pain.
‘I’ve been thinking, going over what I can remember … There had to be someone else. Someone watching us.’
‘Why would someone be watching you?’
‘Why were you?’
Ana looks away.
‘Come on, I assume you’ve been to that place. Half the men in there look like ex-cons.’
He’s not wrong. Ana’s mind only has to jump as far as the redhead who followed her out of the bar. She assumed he was after sex but what if he was after something else?
Luke can see he’s got her thinking.
‘It could’ve been anyone. Her husband even. She told me he knew something was going on. Maybe he found out about us. Maybe he followed her. Maybe –’
‘It wasn’t her husband.’
‘How do you know?’
It’s a good question. What does she know, really?
‘If you saw us, doesn’t it make sense that someone else did too? Someone smart enough to realise how easy it would be to get away with killing her. Someone who knew exactly how guilty I’d look.’
What he’s saying speaks directly to the doubt that’s been dogging her. He and Rebecca were in a public place and they’d been seen there together more than once.
‘So it was going on for a while then? You and Becca?’
It shouldn’t make any difference to her but somehow it does.
As usual Luke refuses to talk about Rebecca but Ana takes his lack of reply as confirmation that whatever it was between them, that day she saw them was not the first time.
‘Why were you out there in the forest?’ she asks. ‘Why did you run?’
‘I told you, I don’t know! I was fucked up. I’m still fucked up … Maybe I was looking for her …’
All Ana can see in his face is incomprehension and grief for someone he cared for, someone he’s lost.
‘Maybe I couldn’t believe she was gone.’
He gazes intently back at Ana, his expression raw.
‘I remember seeing you there. In the dark I thought you were her. You freaked the hell out of me.’
He studies her more closely.
‘What exactly were you doing there?’
Ana can’t answer that for herself, let alone for him. All the while Luke continues to study her, his mind trying to make the connections.
‘Why did you come down here while I was sleeping, Ana?’
Ana desperately tries to remain still when every part of her wants to run.
‘You must have been dreaming … or maybe I was sleepwalking. I do that sometimes.’
‘Don’t play fucking mind games with me, you sick bitch.’ He loses it now, pushing closer. ‘You were here, I know you were.’ There’s more than an arm’s reach between them but it feels like he’s right in her face. ‘What do you want from me? Why am I really here? What the fuck –’
‘I want you to kill me!’
All the air suddenly goes out of the basement and with it so does all the fight in Ana.
Coward! You can’t do it yourself, is that it?
Ana shrinks back. All the pain she’s been holding on to starts to rise and she desperately tries to push it back down.
‘That’s why you locked me down here?’
From the look on Luke’s face he’s just as shocked as she is. It’s clearly not the outcome either of them expected. Now she’s said it Ana wants to take it back. ‘No, I … that’s not it … that’s not.’ She stops there, even more confused. Is that really what she wants from him? Why she doesn’t want to let him go? Did a part of her always know she wouldn’t be able to take her own life? That she’d need someone to do it for her? Or did she not just want to die but to die in the worst possible way? Is it punishment she’s looking for?
Or is it simply the desire to feel as intensely as you can before the end?
‘How?’
‘What?’
‘Tell me how.’
Ana stares back at him, mute with confusion.
‘How d
id you imagine I would kill you?’
She shakes her head. ‘I didn’t …’
‘Come closer.’
‘No, I don’t … I can’t.’ Even as she protests she can feel that other Ana leaning in to him. She looks down at the ground, the toes of her sensible work shoes skimming the chalk line.
‘I didn’t kill her, Ana, and I’m not going to kill you.’
Ana looks up.
‘Let me prove it to you.’
Their faces are almost level as they gaze across the shrinking gap between them, Luke just centimetres taller than her. He’s bigger in her mind she realises.
‘What are you afraid of, Ana?’
Those eyes of his, they reel her in and without even planning it she moves closer. Close enough that he could easily grab her. With her next step, their faces are so close they’re almost touching. In his, she sees the dark unknown that first drew her to him.
All she has to do is lean a little further until she feels his lips against her own. Falling into them. Into him.
Luke doesn’t touch her but neither does he pull away.
He lets her kiss him.
She’s already tasted his skin so she’s not surprised by how good he tastes but she is surprised by how right it feels. As if everything that has happened between them so far has been leading them here.
She feels his response, the darkness in him reaching out for the darkness in her. The hunger inside her surges.
His teeth suddenly grab hold of her bottom lip, not hard enough to break the skin but enough to hurt. Hard enough to trap her there and stir the panic.
Just as suddenly he lets her go.
Ana stumbles back in shock. That familiar white noise builds in her head, while her body keeps moving backwards, carrying her to the stairs.
Luke follows her with his gaze, a look on his face like he finally understands. Finally gets what it is he’s up against.
She doesn’t take her eyes off him until her heel finds the bottom step. Only then does she break free, running the rest of the way up and out the door, leaving it hanging open behind her.
Ana stops in the middle of the kitchen, her fingers scraping over her mouth. She looks back, a part of her still down there with him, resisting her efforts to pull away.
She doesn’t notice River getting up, isn’t aware he has moved closer until he’s leaning into her. She gives him a distracted pat before she shifts her attention to the monitor. It looks harmless enough, sitting there on the kitchen bench, but it’s coming, she knows it.
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