Ryan did a bit of mental calendar counting. The fundraiser would be over. He’d be getting ready to go to Bekostan, but that wouldn’t be until after the weekend. “That sounds great.”
Brianne’s voice lowered to a husky whisper. “It means a lot to me, Ry, that you remembered.”
As he cut off the call, Ryan felt his heart clench. In two brief days, he’d see his sister. What was it he was supposed to have remembered?
Chapter Ten
The following day, Andie sat at the table in the back garden in her filmy nightie, across the table from a shirtless Ryan.
He munched on toast while she eyed him over the top of her coffee cup. She’d always thought the phrase ‘eye-candy’ a ridiculous one, but as her gaze lingered over his wide shoulders, and wandered over his washboard stomach, it seemed completely apt.
“We’ll have to go shopping today if the fundraiser is on Monday.” The thought of the party mere days away filled her with trepidation. People attending knew her mother. Better than she had. Would they even know that their friend and ally had a daughter? Would they be disappointed to learn that she knew so little about them—about their situation? “You’ll need to fill me in about the camp and the people involved in it.”
“Your mother did quite a few interviews with them.”
The DVDs. Why hadn’t she thought of that? She could watch them tonight or tomorrow and bring herself up to speed. No one would know that she hadn’t watched them at the time.
Ryan reached for his coffee, the muscles in his arm flexing.
“If you keep looking at me like that we won’t get anything done.”
Andie felt a flush bloom. She couldn’t drag her eyes away. “It’s your fault for not wearing anything.”
“You’re just as bad.” His appreciative gaze lingered over the top of her nightie.
Andie shifted on the chair as her body reacted to his gaze as if stroked.
Ryan grinned. “I think we should go into London. You can buy something to wear. I should call into the station, touch base with Ben.”
“I’ll see if I can get an appointment with the doctor I cancelled last week.” It was short notice, but worth a try anyway. If Dr. Stern wasn’t available at least she could make another appointment. She scratched her arm. The urge to blow off the whole thing was strong, but she breathed in deep and strengthened her resolve. Arachnophobia was on her list for a reason, and she was determined to free herself from its paralyzing effects.
Ryan eyed her carefully. “Is your health okay?”
Health? Andie shook her head. “Dr. Stern isn’t that sort of doctor. He’s a specialist in...um…disorders.” She really didn’t want to get into it. To talk as if her list of fears was anything worth mentioning. Especially when she considered the sort of traumas that Ryan had faced.
Ryan captured her hand under his. “Disorders?” His focused gaze let Andie know she wasn’t getting away so lightly.
She swallowed. “He deals with phobias, post-traumatic stress, that sort of thing.”
A strange light flickered in Ryan’s eyes. He pulled back. Glanced away. “I don’t see how talking to someone can help with that.” He folded his arms. “A lot of these guys are quacks, Andie. You’d be wasting your money.” He shot her a quick glance. “It’s natural that you should feel shock. Your mother’s death…”
“It’s not about my mother.” She’d dealt with death before. Had worked through pain and loss when her grandmother died, and knew that there was no avoiding the grief and upset that it caused. Her local GP had tried to prescribe sleeping pills and tranquilizers after her mother’s death, and she’d felt strong enough to refuse them, knowing that all they would do for her was stretch out the period of mourning, give a brief respite from the bone-numbing exhaustion. “I made the appointment to try and deal with my fear of spiders.”
Saying it out loud, she felt stupid. There weren’t poisonous spiders in England, and her reaction to them wasn’t in any way logical, but her fear wasn’t something she could force down or deal with on her own. She’d carefully researched Dr. Stern, and when a friend had been to him and overcome her fear of water, that was the clincher.
“Spiders,” Ryan’s expression lightened. “Ah.”
“It’s on my list.” The list that was steadily shrinking. So far she’d ticked off three of the items on it. Riding a rollercoaster, flying, having a wild affair with a hot man… There was no way she was admitting that last one. Ryan had played a starring part in all three. Now, teetering on the cusp of change, she felt resolute and strong.
The things that had mattered when she’d first met Ryan didn’t seem to matter much anymore. Somewhere along the way, her relationship with Emily had changed too. She understood more about what drove her mother now. The resentment that had bubbled through her as a remnant of her childhood was altering with every letter that she read, and would probably change more when she finally watched the DVDs.
The fog of the future was beginning to clear. Maybe Ryan wouldn’t be in it, but life would continue, and with any luck, she’d enjoy it.
She stood. “I’ll go give him a call and get dressed.”
*****
Ryan sat at the table and finished his coffee. He’d give her time to dress, make a call to Ben, and then get dressed too. The teasing mood of the morning had evaporated the moment she’d mentioned PTSD. For one, cold moment, he’d thought she was talking about him, after all, many correspondents facing the horrors of war had been diagnosed with the condition, and seen their careers come to an untimely end as a result.
The nightmares and the night sweats that accompanied them were symptoms he hadn’t shared with anyone. There was no way that he was letting some counselor talk him back through some of the traumas he’d experienced. He’d only reached out to make contact with Brianne because of Andie’s urging—he wasn’t into combing out the tangled strands of memories in his mind to ‘make it all better’. If there was a pill he could take which would wipe the slate clean, he wouldn’t take it. Life experiences formed the person. Take them away, and the inner core, the thing that made him him, would deteriorate. No, all he needed to do was to reconnect with his sister, then retreat back into a world where he called the shots. Showed the world the truth through his eyes.
Andie had her damned list of challenges—he had a life to live.
As they had avoided rush hour, the drive to London that afternoon was fast and easy. Andie hummed along with the radio, and despite the fact that she couldn’t carry a tune if her life depended on it, Ryan found the sound strangely comforting. The sky was grey, threatening rain. He cracked his window open, breathed in air chilled with the sudden change in the weather, and braked to slow the car down in the building traffic.
“I should have everything done by about five.” Andie’s blue eyes sparkled with excitement.
Ryan glanced at his watch. She’d managed to snare a cancellation with Stern, and he was dropping her there on the way to the TV station. They’d have four hours before meeting up again, plenty of time to pick up something formal to wear. “Okay, I’ll call you and arrange a place to pick you up.” He pulled up outside the Harley Street address she’d provided.
She leaned over, and brushed her mouth over his. “See you later.” Her soft breath puffed against his mouth. He breathed in the scent of lemons, and reached to tuck a strand of long blonde hair behind her ear. His hand lingered at her neck, fingers curling around her nape to hold her in place as he intensified the kiss.
They were both breathing fast by the time she pulled away. “I’ve got to go.”
He watched each step as she walked away, until a honk from a car forced his attention back to reality, and he eased the powerful car back into the traffic. He’d booked a table at Oscars, a local Italian restaurant that Bri had recommended for seven o’clock—they’d make it with time to spare.
Later that evening, Ryan pulled open the door into Oscars, and stood back to allow Andie to enter. His hand reste
d on the small of her back as they walked in, and, after giving his name to the hostess, they were quickly shown to a secluded table in the corner of the room.
The waitress handed him the wine list, took his order and left them alone with menus.
She looked different tonight. Her long blonde hair had been straightened, falling in a shot-silk curtain to the top of her breasts. She’d done something with her eyes, making them look more mysterious and dramatic somehow. The tricks women used were beyond him, but he felt their effects through every inch of his body. That dress… “Have I told you I like your dress?”
Her cheek dimpled. “More than once,” she teased, winding a flat skein of hair between her fingers. “But it wouldn’t fit you.”
“I haven’t got the legs for it.” With an exaggerated leer, Ryan glanced under the table. “And I sure couldn’t walk in those shoes.”
Andie grinned. “It’s an art. I found the dress first, and once I saw the shoes, I just had to have them.” She stretched a long leg out, and turned her ankle left to right, gazing at the high gold heels. “I mean, if you’re going to wear a gold mini-dress, you’ve got to have the right shoes.” She tucked her foot back into place.
The party next week was likely to be a serious affair—and the people attending conservative. He just hoped she wasn’t going to give the assembled worthies a heart attack. The golden mini-dress skimmed her thighs, and dipped low enough at the front to reveal a hint of cleavage.
“You might…have to wear a coat or something. Just till we get there.”
Andie’s brow pleated. “What are you talking about?”
Ryan swallowed. “On Monday.”
“Monday?” Andie looked confused for a moment, then her mouth tilted upward. “Monday? You mean the fundraiser?”
Ryan nodded, feeling the stiffness in his neck.
“I’m not wearing this to the fundraiser. I’ve bought a sensible dress for that.”
Relief flooded through Ryan as his fears dissolved. The dress was too frivolous, would send the wrong message to the people attending. Besides, once the men attending caught a glimpse of Andie in it he’d be beating them off with a stick. “I thought…”
Andie’s face pinked. She glanced down then peeked at him from underneath her lashes. “I bought this for tonight.”
She’d bought the dress for him. For their evening together. The thought swelled Ryan’s heart. She’d made an effort to captivate, despite the fact that she knew just how under her spell he was. The women he’d known before had brought out the big guns to snare him, and defaulted back to combats and boots once their affair was underway. Somehow, the fact that she’d picked out the beautiful dress and sky-high heels with him in mind warmed him deep inside.
“It’s beautiful. You’re gorgeous.” He reached across the table to squeeze her hand. “Let’s order, I’m starving.”
*****
Light reflected from the candle in its crystal holder, adding an air of intimacy into what was already a very intimate setting. Andie sipped her wine, savoring the round tannins and hint of blackberries on her tongue. Then took another mouthful of the fresh salmon fettuccine, and bit back a groan at the deliciousness.
Ryan looked fantastic in his black suit. Sure, he was gorgeous in jeans, but dressed formally with a snowy white shirt and emerald silk tie that matched his eyes…well he stopped her heart every time she glanced over, and she did, often.
Once she’d bought the dress and shoes for Monday, she’d been all ready to leave the small boutique, but the glint of gold had caught her eye. When, at the shop assistant’s urging, she tried it on, she just knew she had to have it. It had been so long since she’d enjoyed the simple pleasure of buying a new dress she couldn’t resist doing it twice. She’d imagined the look in his eyes when she wore it. The look that he was casting across the table at her this very moment.
For years, she’d worn sensible clothes that were practical. The short gold dress that hugged her curves could never be described as sensible. It was frivolous, flirty, fun. Wearing it reminded her that she wasn’t a middle-aged matron, but a twenty-something with her whole life stretching in front of her. Maybe being in Brianne’s jewel-bright home had infected her with the longing for color, or maybe it was just being with Ryan.
Whatever the reason, her heart lifted and her entire being felt as bright and golden inside as she looked outside.
“I forgot to tell you,” Ryan said. “I spoke to Brianne and asked her to visit. She’s coming on Friday and staying for the weekend.”
Andie searched his face, trying to decipher his expression. He looked sort of pleased, but also wary, as though he didn’t really want to get into a discussion about it.
She considered her response, and settled for a smile.
Ryan refilled her glass. “So, how did the appointment go?” He paused. “Or don’t you want to talk about it?”
Andie put her fork down. “Actually, it was great.” She breathed in, then out slowly. “I was sort of worried that he was going to pull a tarantula out of a box and make me pet it.” A shiver raced through her, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “But luckily, he was a lot more humane than that. To me, I mean, not the spider.”
She rubbed her elbow. “We talked about the nature of fear. About how throughout history, people have feared things. Because they had to.”
“The sensible fear of man-eating predators?”
Andie nodded. “Yes. It was all stuff I knew, really. He talked about how fear served a purpose, and was healthy. Then he talked about phobias, and how they differ from real fear.”
Ryan speared a forkful of steak, and chewed.
“He made me remember.”
Ryan stopped chewing. His eyes narrowed. “Remember what?”
“He asked me about the people I lived with, about their attitude to spiders. When I thought back to my earliest memory, it was of Gran easing me out of the bathroom, telling me that I couldn’t have a bath because there was a spider in the bathtub. She suggested we wait for half an hour ‘to see if it went away’ and when it didn’t, she popped round next door, and asked our neighbor to come over and remove it.”
Ryan blew out a low whistle. “She was pretty nervous of spiders, then.”
“Petrified. I remember watching her face as the neighbor came out of the bathroom. She stepped back as the door opened, and her face changed. She looked like she was ready to run. Then, after he left, she peered around the door as if she didn’t believe he actually released it from the window like he’d said.”
“So your fear is learned behavior?”
She’d spoken with Dr. Stern for almost an hour, and felt so much more at ease after it.
“In part. Her fear transmitted itself to me, and because she was so strong in other ways, so capable, I didn’t analyze her reaction, and identified with her so strongly that I inherited her fear too.”
Ryan swallowed a mouthful of wine, while his other hand tapped lightly on the linen tablecloth. “Makes sense.”
“Then we talked about how the fear reflex became part of my relationship with spiders…”
Ryan’s eyebrows rose. “Relationship with spiders? That’s a bit…”
Andie grinned. “I know. I can’t think of anything I’d like to have a relationship with less, but I swallowed that back, and went with it.”
Ryan smiled back.
“He said I needed to open up, really think about what a spider is, and how it can’t hurt me. So that I can learn to temper my response and realize that what I’m dealing with is a fear reaction that is stuck in the ‘on’ position. Because then I can learn to turn it off.”
“So.” Ryan clinked his glass against hers. “Today was good.”
“Yes. It’s going to take some work. Dr. Stern says that breaking down fears learned in childhood is hard. They scar us, and become so ingrained that we have to recognize them before we can address them. I’m half way there with that, anyway.” She grinned. “How about you—did everythi
ng go okay at the news station?”
Ryan rubbed a tanned hand through his hair. Leaned back in his chair. “Actually, better than I expected. I’ve always loved being out in the field, but the energy buzzing in the station matched the excitement of being in Bekostan pretty well. There are a lot of elements to consider in the weeks ahead. It’s important to the station that we cover all the news, not just the obvious stories. With the head of foreign news absent, the onus of making sure we don’t slip up has added an edge, made us all work harder. Everyone is very excited at the prospect of me going back to Bekostan for this interview.”
A sudden clutch of worry grabbed Andie’s insides. “I thought…Isn’t the rebel leader coming to the party? I just presumed you’d do the interview here.” Where it was safe. Where he wouldn’t be putting himself into danger, like her mother had.
“Arnat has to leave straight after the fundraiser.” Ryan’s voice softened. “We’re going to the fundraiser to get his agreement for the interview, and organize a follow up. The interview will be in Bekostan. I’ll probably fly out early next week.”
Andie’s cheeks ached with the effort of keeping her casual smile in place. Somehow, somewhere along the way, her foolish heart had chosen to disregard the fact that that should have been carved onto it. Just like her mother, Ryan’s allegiance was to another country, another life. A life that didn’t include her. In mere days, he’d be gone. Taking her heart with him.
Chapter Eleven
Back home after dinner, Andie checked her makeup in the bathroom mirror, dabbed perfume onto her pulse points, then strolled into the bedroom.
Ryan lay in bed, back against the headboard. His eyes tracked her approach. “I love that dress.” The deep murmur sent a rush of goosebumps over her skin.
She smiled. She’d given in to a totally reckless impulse in the boutique he’d like even more. The changes being with Ryan had wrought were profound. A month ago, the only underwear that filled her knicker drawer were white or black, or worse, flesh colored. She’d never even flirted with push-up bras, they’d be totally inappropriate under her school attire. It hadn’t mattered because there’d never been a man she’d been intent on seducing. Before now.
Challenging Andie Page 10