"Who dad?"
"A man named Charles Hoyt."
"Why?" I ask, my voice a ghost of itself.
"That's not important. She is bad news Haley."
I shake my head. He's not going to tell me what he knows about her.
"I'm not going back home." I say quietly.
"Would you at least come to the hotel with me, I'm sure your mother would love to see you."
"Sure dad." I say, but my mind is in a hundred different places.
I have Charlie stop by my apartment so I can change into something more comfortable.
I go up alone, and find a gift bag set by my door, I unlock my door grab the bag and walk into my apartment.
I set the bag on the counter, change and then come back to the bag.
Inside I see my phone I pull it out and go through it, but she didn't do anything to it. I look into the bag again and see an iPod still in the box. I pull that out, and find a note taped to the box, the print in Jessica's perfect script.
Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.
Said by Victor Hugo.
The note says.
It's takes everything in me not to throw it in the trash, but I reframe from doing so, and shove it in my purse. The envelope melody gave me catches my eye.
I pull it out and carefully open it my hands shaking, inside is Jessica's birth certificate and medical records. I skim through all of it, I don't know what every word means, but there's some i know exactly what they mean.
Words like intersex, disorder of sex development, Female reproductive organs, male and female anatomy.
I move to the next few pages these are notes from a therapist Jessica seen when she was a child. I grow sick to my stomach the more I read these notes.
Emotions suddenly overwhelm me at the reality of what had happened to her.
My heart starts beating rapidly as I read the name of the therapist.
Charles Hoyt.
My world is upside down. How did I get here? How did I end up in the most complicated relationship I could have ever imagine in my life?
My head won't stop pounding, anxiety has planted itself in my chest. I'm exhausted, tired and starting to feel numb.
I grab my phone and call my father and explain to him I can't go, when he starts to argue I hang up on him. I grab the box with the iPod and sit on my couch. After opening the box and pulling out the iPod I realize Jessica did give me all that music she said she was going to.
Jessica has everything in playlists. I laugh out loud when I open one titled "only because I like you" full of country songs. She must have done all this before my lunch hour.
The more I listen the more I realize that I'm in love with Jessica. No matter how angry I am, I can't deny that fact.
Jessica's point of view.
Unraveling. If I had to describe the state that I'm in that would be it, as I watch Haley leave in her fathers car.
Why couldn't she be easy like the rest? But if she was, would I be interested in her? She's different and that's why I like her, why I want her. I haven't liked a girl in a long time. I've tolerated them, been comfortable around them, but I like Haley. She makes me want to be a better person.
"Fuck!" I say aloud. Screw controlling my temper or trying not to be mad.
She's mine, the one good thing in my life and I'm not going to lose her.
I head to my car and go to the one place I try to avoid, but to the one person that no matter what makes me feel better. I stare at my childhood home and think back on all the bad years, and wish my mother would let me buy her a new home, but she always tells me the good memories out weigh the bad.
My phone alerts me to a text message as I step inside the house. It's from Harrison informing me the package has been delivered. It's reminds me that I wanted to be there when she opened it.
My throat starts to burn, there's a stinging in my chest. I want the feeling gone now. The next thing I know I've punched through the fucking wall. It hurts but it distracts me from what's wrong.
I'm bleeding I have to clean this up before my mother sees it. I make my way to the kitchen, turn the water on and put my hand under it. My mother picks this moment to walk through the back door and I look up at her.
Her eyes widen when she takes a look at me. She rushes towards me and takes my hand out of the water and into her hand looking at my swollen knuckles.
"Janie, what did you do?!" she asks frantically, leading me to the guest bathroom.
"Don't be mad, but I punched a hole in your wall," I say trying to downplay what I did.
Her head snaps up towards me.
"Why did you do that?!" she asks, grabbing the first aid kit and pulling out the antibiotic wipes.
"I was pissed." I say, sitting on the edge of the bathtub while she cleans my hand.
She nods as if she understands.
She doesn't try to chastise me as I thought she would. She cleans my hand in silence, it reminds me of when I was a kid. That burning feeling starts again.
"Ma?" I say, my voice hoarse with unshed tears.
She looks up at me.
"I fucked up." I whisper.
"With Haley?" Her voice is sympathetic.
"I didn't tell her about...my condition." I say trying to keep my voice dry and even. "Which caused an even bigger problem with a whole different situation. If I told her everything, I know she'd understand, but I don't know if I can."
"Why not Jessica?"
"If I tell her about my condition I have to tell her about Hoyt."
When I say his name my mother looks pained.
"And I don't want her to look at me like I'm broken."
"I think you're making a mistake. I think you should tell her, don't be afraid of how she'll look at you." She says pleadingly.
I shake my head no.
"I'm sorry about everything," she says, her voice cracking.
"Ma, don't." I say.
"No Janie, please let me say this. I'm sorry for everything you went through growing up, I should have done things so differently. It's my fault, I need you to stop blaming yourself, and...your father." She says with tears in her eyes.
I feel like I'm being punched in the chest. I close my eyes, I can't look at her like this. I don't want to see how much it hurts her. I hate myself for it.
I pull my hand away from her and leave the bathroom and shut the door behind me and let go completely. I slid down the wall next to the door and cry. I cry for my mother, for myself, for the first time in my life.
I don't know how much time has passed when I feel my mothers arms, her embrace warm and comforting.
"I don't think you're broken Janie, you're the strongest person I've ever known." My mother finally says, when I get control of myself.
I chuckle.
What if I really am broken? I say to myself.
Chapter 10
Jessica's point of view.
I wake up in a cold sweat, my heart pounding, adrenaline coursing through me, I've had the same dream almost every night since Hoyt, now it's different. I get up trying not to disturb Ma, we'd both fallen asleep on her couch last night.
In the bathroom I splash some water on my face and look up in the mirror at myself, no matter how much I try to convince myself that the dream isn't as terrifying as it used to be, I can't because now it's even more terrifying.
When I step out my mother is getting off the couch.
"Good morning." She says groggily.
"You still have hours to sleep." I tell her glancing at the clock.
"Are you alright?" She asks.
I nod but it's shaky.
I run up to my old bedroom find a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie, change and then go back down stairs. Pick up my phone off the coffee table and search for my shoes.
"Where are you going?"
"For a run." I say.
"You can't go running now"
"I have to." I say.
"Jessi
ca, wait. I'll go with you." She says.
I chuckle imagining my mother running.
"It's fine. I'm okay. Go back to sleep." I say as I tie my shoes.
"I can't. Not when you're like this."
"I'd rather go alone. Seriously, go back to sleep." I say.
I step outside trying to get away from my mothers protest.
I run down the stairs of the porch and into the cold air. It fills my lungs and reminds me what's real and what's not. The dreams aren't real.
I pound my feet harder and run faster. My lungs burn like I can't get enough air. I want to run so hard that my body screams in pain. I want to feel something that I know how to deal with, because I don't know what to do with this. It's not the same as the other nightmare. That one had me scared to death, because Hoyt wanted to hurt me. This dream is the opposite. Hoyt isn't hurting me, he's hurting Haley. It feels like my guts are being ripped out. I can't stand it. I want to scream. Digging in, I push off the ground harder and run faster. I lengthen my stride. My arms pump at my sides and I sprint as fast as I can.
I feel my phone vibrate, holding my hands on my hips, I stop and suck in air. I stay like that for a few moments just trying to catch my breath. When the cramp subsides, I pull my phone out, there's a text message from Haley with two words that make my heart rate increase.
I know. It's says.
I type back with shaky hands. What do you know?
Everything. She replies.
I didn't realize you were Google. I type back trying to calm down.
Charles Hoyt and intersex. Need I say more? She replies.
I read what she said over and over again. How the hell does she know any of that, Arthur could have opened his mouth and gave her the name, but he wouldn't tell her anything else there's a non disclosure agreement in place for a reason. It hits me then. Melody, she knows everything.
I shove my phone back in my pocket and continue to run. The only thing in my head is the pounding of my heart and the rush of air filling my lungs.
Haley's point of view.
The next morning I wake early, I slept on and off but never fell into a deep sleep. I want to talk to Jessica so bad, let her know I know.
I grab my phone pull up her number and type out a text.
I know. I type out and hit send.
Minutes later i receive one back.
What do you know?
Everything. I reply back.
I didn't realize you were Google. She types back.
I roll my eyes at my phone.
Charles Hoyt and intersex. Need I say more? I reply back.
She doesn't reply back. It doesn't surprise me, I'd just hoped it would start a conversation between us.
I get out of bed and take a shower, hoping that when I get to work I still have a job.
I get there early, the place is practically empty. I sit at my desk and wait for my computer to power up.
Why the hell did you do that?!" I hear Jessica shout.
And I panic thinking she's speaking to me.
"I know you're mad Jessica." I hear Melody say, calmly.
That's when I realize Jessica's not here to speak to me. She's here to speak to Melody.
"Mad? I'm fucking furious!
"Don't you think she deserved to know who you really are." Melody says.
I move where I can see them, and hope neither of them spot me.
"I was going to tell her." Jessica says through her teeth.
Jessica moves to walk away when Melody grabs her arm.
"Jessica, please let me explain."
"If you've screwed this up for me I swear I'll never speak to you again." Jessica says before snatching away from her.
She moves and her eyes connect with mine. I feel the panic set in once more. But she doesn't make a move towards me. She walks back to the elevators not looking back at me again.
I ride the elevator down to the lobby during my lunch hour, I want to try out the deli down the street, but a hand on my shoulder stops me. I turn on my heels and Jessica is standing there.
"Hey." She says. Her voice is dry and crackly.
I stare at her.
"I believe I owe you lunch."
I nod.
"Come on." She says. Leading me back to the elevators.
The ride up is silent, when the doors open Jessica allows me to go out first. I walk in front of her until we get inside her office.
She shuts the door behind her, and I stand there awkwardly.
"I didn't know what you wanted so I just ordered a whole bunch of stuff." Jessica says while walking over to her desk where it's filled with enough take out boxes to feed a small village. But I'm suddenly not hungry, and Jessica doesn't make a move to eat anything either.
"Can I you a question?" I blurt out, when the quiet gets to much for me.
She briefly glances at me but doesn't say anything. I let out a sigh, and ask anyways.
"You knowing my father has nothing to do with us being here now?"
"I meant what I said yesterday Haley."
I believe her.
"He sexually abused you didn't he?" I ask, referring to Charles Hoyt. Even though I think I already know the answer from what I read yesterday.
She shakes her head yes, looking everywhere but at me.
"She should have let me tell you." Jessica says quietly.
"When would you have told me? When you've pushed me away enough times to make me give up on this, on you?" I say.
Im not angry with who she is, or what happened to her, but that she didn't trust me enough to tell me.
"I don't care who you are I never would have judged you for that, and I would have understood if you had been the one to tell me about Charles Hoyt."
"I know what your saying but it's hard to admit to being overpowered like that."
We stand in silence again.
"Why are you looking for him?" I ask.
"The nasty piece of shit just disappeared into thin air, and it won't be right until he's buried for good." Her expression hardens.
"Jessica, what are you going to do?" I don't like the tone of her voice. I hate that Charles did what he did and nothing happened to him, but I don't want Jessica to do something stupid and get herself in trouble.
She doesn't answer so I move on to my next question.
"Why are you so reluctant to talk about your father?" I ask, meeting her stare, which has gone from indifferent to intense in the span of a second. Her eyes squint at me.
Jessica walks towards the window she looks out, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.
"Jessica." I finally say.
She turns to face me her hands stuffed into her pockets. I look into her eyes and I hate the fact that her expression is soft, and she seems vulnerable.
She stays silence for what seems to be the longest seconds of my life.
Jessica sits on the couch, and drops her head down, running both hands through her hair.
"My father used to beat the shit out of my mother," she suddenly says.
She's looking in my direction, but she's not making eye contact.
"He blamed her for my condition. That's partly why she sent me to see a therapist. She thought I was emotionally screwed up from watching my father beat on her everyday, and listening to him tell her how wrong I was.
"And you blame your father for what was done to you, don't you?" I ask.
She nods, her eyes finally fall on me, and the look in them scares me. She seems helpless.
"Is that why you've never let me touch you?" I ask her.
Her eyes stare past me again.
"Haley, what he did is beyond anyone's imagination. And in certain situations I have triggers that set me off which I try to keep under control. That's why I don't let you touch me." She says trying to remain indifferent, cold.
"Does your mother know what happened to you?"
"Yup." She says casually.
She doesn't even look at me. It's not unexpected but still makes me
want to scream.
Her mannerism, her expression, everything about her is so different then what it was yesterday.
"Why did your mother stay with your father for so long?"
"He made the decision to leave she didn't, he got tired of paying for all my doctor's visits. She was terrified to leave him. Having to raise three children in her own, and all my problems..." She trails off and stays silent for a long time.
"Can that be enough for now? Just for today?" She finally asks me, looking into my eyes and I nod.
Chapter 11
Jessica's point of view.
Later that night when I go home to an empty apartment I grab a bottle of liquor from the kitchen cabinet, sit on my couch and stare at my feet before downing a good portion of the bottle. All I wanted to do the rest of my life was honor her with a love she'd never known and one she'd never want to let go of. Now I am worried I have lost her for good. My secrets always tend to be to much for anyone. I prayed my mother was right, that Haley wouldn't look at me different, or feel any different about me. But from the look on her face today, everything is different.
The next day I go to Frankie's. I can't stand being alone in that apartment anymore, a few months with Haley around and I can't stand a lot of things.
I plan to only stay a day or two, but a couple of weeks pass by without me really noticing it.
"What are you doing? Why are you still here? When are you going to realize that she wants you no matter what?" Frankie says to me one morning when he's about to leave to go to work.
I glare at Frankie taking offense but trying to reign my temper in.
"So you're just going to push her away and call it a day?"
"You don't know anything about this, about us."
He dared to laugh.
"The hell I don't."
He pulled up a chair and sat down in front of me. He gets nose to nose with me and pokes me in the chest.
"Back off, Frankie."
"Go prove to her that you're worth it."
He grabs my shirt.
"Fight. For. Her." Then he releases me causing my back to thump against the back of the couch.
Standing again, he turns toward the door and I think for sure he is going to leave without another word.
The Billionaire Lesbian Page 4