"No, Ma." I look at my father for the first time since he sat at the table. "You being here just reminds me how much you didn't care. Things were bad enough after...After you started drinking.." I stop and take a breath. "Do you even remember the things you put your kids through? What you did to your wife?" Tears form in my eyes. I blink them back. "You're selfish, and you're an asshole."
A part of him seems to shrink. Maybe its because of falling pride, maybe guilt, I don't know.
"You're right Jessica, but i'm trying to change. I don't think you'll understand why I did those things."
"You don't think i'll understand? You haven't given me the chance to try and understand. I'm all grown up Pop. Or did you forget. I aged those eighteen years you were gone, so try me."
"You're not acting all grown up. Right now, you're throwing a fit like a five year old."
"Real mature, Pop. You're avoiding." I stare at him again. "You owe me an explanation."
"I owe you an apology." The guilt is apparent in his expression and that makes me happy. "I'm sorry for everything.."
"I don't care. Save your apologies for someone who does. Now let's eat, I've got some work I need to finish." I pick my fork back up and ignore him.
Frustration, anger, and defeat floats through the air. I try not to let it weigh me down as I finish eating. I will deal with my feelings for my father later, like always. Either that, or ignore them like always.
Chapter 29
Haley's point of view.
After lunch, Frank leaves. Neither Jessica nor Frank said a word to each other as he left.
I stare at Jessica to figure out her mood.
"I love you." I say, slowly deliberately. I need her to hear that through whatever noise might be happening in her head.
I glance at Tommy. He takes a deep breath, and then his eyes meet mine. I square my shoulders and raise my eyebrows in a look that I hope says, are you happy now?
He just shrugs at me.
Jessica ushers us out of the house a little later. Saying goodbye to her mother, but she ignores Tommy altogether.
Jessica stands framed in doorway of my room, as I change into something more comfortable.
"How are you doing?" I ask, as I slip my shirt over my head.
"I'm good...It's just been a long day. And it got to me, i'm fine now."
"And you brother?"
"Should be a disney villain."
I exhale a laugh, even stressed she is remarkable.
After a moment she nods. "I know why he did that, I understand I guess."
That sounds ominous.
Jessica's face takes on a depressingly shuttered look. Long seconds pass before she speaks. "I don't love my father Haley. I feel nothing for him." She meets my gaze, unblinking.
"But, Jessica. He's you father."
"Haley." She exhales a clipped sigh. "You're a good person. A good, good person. So it's only natural that you approach the world with your inborn optimism. You have an enormous heart, and when you love, you love purely, you love with everything in you, and you expect the same intrinsic love from others. But not everyone loves that way, Haley. Not everyone sees the world the same way you do." She shoves a hand through her hair. "Some people are just fucked."
"People make mistakes…" I speak carefully, fully aware that I am dredging up painful memories, and treading very closely to an old wound. "But have you ever thought about forgiving him?"
"No." Her voice is firm, and a small muscle tightens her jaw. "Look, I know people make mistakes. But to forgive over and over again goes against all logic."
A moment passes and then another and she remains silent. I watch her, waiting for her to say something. Anything.
"He's obviously dying, and that hurts to see, but.." She trails off, biting down on her lower lip.
She stays silent for a while, while I wonder exactly what she's to say, read bewteen the lines.
"I don't want you to think i'm cold or unfeeling but…I didn't know the man I saw today. He wasn't my dad.I think..No, I know that I mourned him already. I lost my father when he started drinking and every time he did something to hurt me, I grieved again. Over and Over until I shut off my feelings and learned to cope on my own. The thing is, I spent all these years angry at him and hurt, and all that did was impact my own life. I resented him, and I didn't much like myself." She shakes her head her sadness palpable. "While driving home, today I thought back over my life, and I realized I cut myself off from people. From joy and happiness, afraid everyone would hurt me the way he did...Until you."
My breath hitches. Stops. Then starts again, along with the rapid beating of my heart. I don't want to read too much into what she just said, but the organ inside my chest, the one she already ows, isn't listening.
"I just." She starts again. "I want to move passed everything my father did, and what Hoyt did, and just live my life again. You know? I'm tired of living like this. I don't know if other people harden so much they're no longer alive, but I refuse to turn to stone. The pain in my life won't destroy me. I won't let it anymore.
The way she looks at me says everything. She means me, that she won't let any of that destroy what we have.
I nod. Understanding what she saying.
Later that night, we lay cuddled up on my bed. I can feel the warmth of Jessica's hand against my stomach through my thin shirt, I think about how remarkable it is that at this very second a new life is forming inside me.
"Haley?" Jessica says, breaking the silence in the room.
"Yes." I say, without hesitation.
She lift her head and searches my eyes for several seconds, rubbing her fingertips along my neck, moving them slowly. Something is happening and I don't understand what. She squeezes my hand, and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and takes a deep breath to steady herself.
"You saved me, you took a broken woman and revived her. No one else could do that. It was you, it's always been you, since the day you walked into my office." She swallows, nervously. I cup her jaw with one hand, as she smiles at me. "Then let me in, and let me stay."
"I want to." The fear in her eyes breaks my heart. "I'll always keep trying."
I shift my arms to lie on my forearms, my face now mere inches from hers.
"I'm going to kiss you now." I say.
Her pupils react ever so slightly as she toys with me. "It's about time."
I take my time getting closer and closer to her lips. Her eyes close as I move in closer and when my lips almost touch hers, I kiss her nose instead, and then her closed eyes. I follow with her cheeks, forehead, and across her jawline to her neck.
Her breathing grows erratic and her hands move to my forearms. She tries to hide it, but I feel her hips slightly seeking out my body. I finally kiss her lips and she moans, into my mouth. My hands slip under the fabric of her shorts. Her hands move up my arms and around my neck. She sets up as my hands slid under her shirt, helping me get it off, and then she does the same with mine.
Rolling me to my back, she kisses my mouth. Like a reflex, my legs bend at the knee as she nestles herself between my legs.
"Lift you hips." She say, her voice tight as her fingers fist on the sides of my sleep pants.
I obey and Jessica takes my pants and underwear off and then stands, and I watch her as she shoves her shorts down. She steps free of them before making quick work of her black boxers briefs. And then without memory of her moving, she is between my legs again, mumbling something I can't make out, but that sounds pained and reverent and sweet all at the same time. Her skin is cool and she smells so perfectly like Jessica, like night flowers and spice and treasures hidden in cedar boxes. I'm suddenly flying, soaring above the ground, beyond the reach of the ordinary word and all it petty concerns and everyday tragedies. I am above it all, and Jessica is right there with me.
Chapter 30
Haley's point of view.
Monday afternoon I walk into the doctor's office, and start filling out all the necessary forms.
My eyes keep closing by their own will, but I force them to reopen and concentrate on the papers. I had only slept for a few hours the night before, trying to help Jessica through what she was going to say today. She tried on more than one occasion to get me to go to sleep, but I didn't want her to do that on her own.
I open my purse and grab my phone. Jessica said she was going to make it to this appointment, but I haven't heard from her since this morning. I finish the forms and give them back to the receptionist.
They make me pee in a cup again, and a nurse comes in and confirms what I already know. She checks my blood pressure, and goes over my medical history, when she asks about the father I try to explain Jessica's situation to the best of my knowledge. She writes everything down and then asks me to take my skirt and panties off once she leaves. She hands me what looks like a giant paper towel to cover myself up with, and then she leaves me alone again.
I do as she asks after she leaves and then I sit on the bed table things they have in these rooms, and wait for the doctor to come in.
Jessica comes in a few minutes later and I smile at her, I didn't want to do this alone and I was willing to admit that.
"I'm surprised you're not asleep." She says, as she takes my hand.
"I was waiting for you."
"How did it go?" I ask her.
She shrugs her shoulder. "It went well." She doesn't elaborate, and I don't push the subject.
She pats my thigh, and I lean back and feel my eyes close.
"When we get done here, well go home so you can take a nap."
I open my eyes and look at her. "That sounds like a plan."
"Congratulations on the baby!" The doctor says enthusiastically when she comes in, and I sit up.
She goes ever everything the nurse asked, and Jessica is able to clear up some questions that I hadn't had answers for.
The doctor keeps talking, as she picks up a big wand and that's all I can see or think about.
"Today we're going to do a vaginal ultrasound, but it may be too early to see much of anything, so don't worry if we don't see much.
I nod, as I watch as she comes over closer with it. I let out a deep breath as she lifts my gown, and Jessica squeezes my hand.
The doctor takes several minutes measuring what appears to be a tiny dot on the screen, and I watch mesmerized.
When she pushes a button and the quiet room fills with the sound of a baby's heart beat everything changes. This makes it feel even more real. This is my baby, our baby.
I look over at Jessica, she's staring at the screen with a smile on her face.
"I'll be damned. My boys can swim." Jessica chuckles to herself, and I can't hold back my laughter at her words.
The doctor gives me some papers, prenatal vitamins, and the time to come back in the next few weeks. We walk out of the doctor's office hand in hand. Jessica has the printed out picture of our baby we were given, she keeps looking at it, and smiling.
When we get back to my house I go up stairs to my bedroom, and change into one of Jessica's old jersey's and shorts, then climb into my bed. Jessica lays next to me, and grabs my hand, and I turn on my side and look at her.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"No." She answers honestly. "But I feel better. It's weird telling strangers my story, but the more I talk about it the better I feel."
I nod, closing my eyes. Jessica holds my hand as I fall asleep almost immediately.
When I wake up, a couple of hours later I still feel her warm hand in mine, she's laying on her back, with the sonogram picture in her other hand. She seems so peaceful that I don't want to disturb her, but she turns her head towards me like she knew i'm awake. Her usual smile spreads across her face.
"How did you sleep?" She whispers.
I run my hand through my hair then wipe the sleep from my eyes. "Good, actually." I say quietly.
"Good." She says.
She turns to face me placing the picture between us.
"While you were asleep Sarah contacted me."
"Why?" I ask.
"The trail has been set sooner than she thought it would be."
"When?"
"Two weeks from today, but she won't need me until two or three days in."
"Do you want to go when it starts?" I ask.
"I don't know."
We lay in silence for a while, until I pick up the picture that's between us.
"What were you thinking about when you were looking at this?" I ask.
"That I want to do right by you and the baby."
"You are Jessica."
"That's not...I just...You once told me I was a good person, and I could have laughed then if I didn't hope so desperately for it to be true. My father told me a lot of things, and when you hear something long enough, you start believing it's true. It's in my blood, after all. Poisoned. worthless. It would burn at me through the long nights, all the guilt and failure. A heavy fire that never seemed to die away, until I fell in love with you. Now I know there's goodness in the world, and I want to do everything I can for you and this baby."
"Jessica." I say, running my hands through her hair wondering if she realizes what she just told me. "You are."
"Then let's do this right, Haley."
"What do you mean?"
"Get married."
"That's what all this is about?" I sit up on the bed. Not mad just surprised.
Jessica sits up with me. "Yes, I know I can make you happy, Haley. I know you don't want the money or the big house but my heart is big and I swear to you it's all yours. I won't always be perfect, I know this, but I promise you i'd never let you feel less than the beautiful woman you are to me."
I don't know what to say when she stops speaking. I just stare at her.
She cups my face with her hands. "I'm in love with you, Haley."
Even though she's practically told me this twice in the last five minutes I can't help, but feel such an overwhelming feeling of pure love for this woman when she finally actually says what I've been wishing for for months.
She waits for me to give her an answer, while softly rubbing her thumbs on my cheeks.
"I don't want anything big." I finally say.
"You got it." Jessica says chuckling.
Chapter 31
Jessica's point of view.
"Are you ready, Jessica?" Frankie holds out his hand. I want to lock the car and hide in it until, we'll until it's over.
Numbness. That's all I feel. My eyes heavy, My body reprimanding for not sleeping the night before.
Haley watches me carefully as I reach out my hand to Frankie and step out of the car.
"I'm ready."
I stand outside the courthouse for several seconds, trying to control my breathing.
Sarah meets us as we walk into the building. She takes us all to a small room that has a few chairs and a wood table in it.
I lean against the window and concentrate on breathing. My stomach is in knots. I'm not ready for this. Haley wraps her arms around me. It's as if she understands what i'm thinking. How on earth can I go in there and face him when even the thought of it makes me panic.
I mentally count down the minutes until I have to see him. My eyes sting, and bile rises up my throat. Someone opens the door, I pull back and Haley frowns. I don't look up, but I see Sarah nod and know that is our cue. Oh God. Sarah smiles reassuringly.
"Are you ready?" No, not at all. I nod in a daze.
I don't look at my family or Haley as I follow Sarah. I can't look back. I force my feet to follow her. I follow her through the other door in the room and across a corridor into the courtroom. I step inside, and my hands start to shake. I am on my own now. My eyes immediately scan the rows of seats. Finally I find Haley just sitting down at the end closest to where I am at.
"Are you okay?" Sarah whispers. I nod once in response.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Hoyt staring at me. I have to look at him. With a deep breath, I look to my right. Very slowly, I rais
e my eyes and meet his. I feel as if the air has been sucked from my lungs. The only noise I can hear is my pulse crashing in my ears. Sarah steps a meter away from me, and I pull my eyes away from Hoyt to look at her.
"Are you okay?" She asks again.
I nod, and she starts.
"Can you state your full name?"
"Jessica Clementine Roven."
"And how old are you?"
"Twenty eight."
She asks a few more straightforward, everyday questions. And then things turn more serious. Sarah straightens her back and glances at the judge and jury. No turning back now. Taking a deep breath, I focus on the end goal. Getting justice for the damage Hoyt caused.
"Ms. Roven, do you understand why we are here?" Sarah asks. Her voice projects authority and confidence.
"Yes." I reply. My voice doesn't sound like my own.
I can feel Hoyt watching me, burning a hole in the side of my head. It makes me feel weak.
Sarah reads out a list if the charges and asks if I understand them.
"Causing or inciting child porography, production of indecent photographs of children, possession of indecent photographs of children, causing or inciting a child to engage in sexual activity, and sexual assault on a child."
"Yes. I Understand the charges."
"Ms. Roven." She starts again. "You were twelve when you started seeing Mr. Hoyt as your therapist?"
My heart crashes in my chest. "Yes."
"Why did you start seeing him?"
"My mother thought it would be good for me." My eyes find my mother's. A deep frown dominates her face. She looks so tortured it makes my heart sink. In this moment I want to take it all back tell them I made it all up. I would do anything to never see her look so painfully sad ever again.
"Why did your mother want you to start seeing a therapist?" Sarah asks, and I look back at her.
"My parents were getting divorced, she thought I was messed up over that and my condition."
"What condition do you have?"
I hesitate. I know this is important to the case but I hate having to air out all my secrets to all these strangers.
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