by P. J. Belden
“Well, he’s one of my oncologists and I don’t think there’s really a next step for us honestly. I’m mean I’m pretty darn sure that it was merely him being a friend and feeling bad for the bruise and the news he was about to deliver,” I shrug.
Josh’s fist hit the table hard causing both of us to jump. “You know that’s not what she’s talking about. Can’t you be serious for five damn minutes Dee! We are talking about your life here,” he hisses hurt.
Reaching over, I place my hand on my brother’s, “I’ll be fine. You watch, it’ll be just like me getting a cold. I’ll be under the weather, but bounce right back,” I smile feeling the love he has for me.
“How can you be so sure,” he asks as his voice cracks.
“Because this is Dee we’re talking about. She’s kicked our butts for years. You think she’d seriously let this push her around?” Hailey says, but I can hear the sadness and worry in her voice too. “Besides she has something far better to live for, I’m betting,” she winks at me.
“Really? You mean better than the two of you? What would that be?”
“Doc, McLovin Stuff,” Hailey laughs.
Rolling my eyes at my sister, I bump her shoulder. “You have really lost your marbles, haven’t you?”
She falls into a fit of giggles. “Garrett Hepner has been in love with you ever since we were in school. You just never gave him the time of day.”
“You have not just lost your marbles. You’ve chucked those puppies into the river, they were swallowed by fish, who were then swallowed by a bigger fish. We’ve only ever been friends.”
Josh starts shaking his head back and forth with a smirk on his face. It is nice to see him forget about the fact that I am facing breast cancer and be caught up in my sister’s infectious behavior. These two are my world. They are all I ever need in life.
My sister is the woman I go to when I need a budget plan figured out. The woman is a genius with bargain hunting and space saving. Josh is the one I always go to when I feel the need for a debate or in depth discussion. Not that Hailey isn’t smart or anything, but Josh is just so detailed and really engrossed himself in history, numbers, politics and his views on things are at times a good stark contrast to mine.
See Hailey didn’t so much care to have those kinds of debates or conversations. She is a live in the moment, plan for the future, leave the past where it lay type of person. We had plenty of conversations on life matters.
“He does, Dee. That man has tried everything to impress you. Who knew he’d finally be taking a chance?”
“Oh pish posh, it doesn’t rightly matter anymore now, does it? He’s my oncologist. There are strict rules against that or something.”
This is too funny. They seriously thought that Garrett could be in love with me. Me? The same girl the kids used to call ‘klutzo’ in school. Yeah, I think not.
The rest of the time goes well. We joke and tease having a good ol’ time. Just as I yawn, Josh tenses and calls for the check. He pays for everyone, as he always tends to do for his sisters, and we start heading out the door.
“Dee, I’ll put your bike in the back of the truck and take you home. You rode around a lot today and it’s dark.”
Too tired to fight, I agree. Before I know it, we are pulling up to my house. After helping me put my bike away in my storage area, I hug my brother and head upstairs.
Heading inside, I lock the door and go right to bed. It has been a very long day. Time to close it up for the night. With one last sigh, I close my eyes and fall asleep in my nice comfy bed.
The port procedure was pretty easy. The whole idea of tube like things going into my heart is nerve wracking, but thankfully, it isn’t something I feel every time my heart beats. It sounds weird, but that’s what I was worried about. The things that run through your mind when you find out you have cancer.
After the procedure, still under the anesthesia, I blurt it all out.
“My brother and sister are insistent that you love me,” I laugh.
He stops mid-reading and looks at me with wide eyes. “They did?” He swallows. “And what did you say?”
Laughing again. “I told them that they’d lost their marbles. You’d never love klutzo.”
He sets my chart down, pulls the curtain all the way closed, and walks over to my bed. “As much as I’d love to have this conversation with you right now, I want you completely lucid. Let me take you home tonight.”
“Josh and Hailey are here,” I giggle.
“I’ll talk to them,” he smiles.
The port sits in my arm, about three inches from my elbow. There is no pain really. I mean there’s tenderness, but nothing big. For a few days, I have to keep a wrap around it to prevent infections. In a week, I start my chemo treatments. Am I nervous? Well, duh! Am I scared? Sure, a little. Am I going to let this stop me from living my life? Hell no!
Riding in the car, I’m so nervous, but for a different reason. Garrett is sitting very close to me. I can smell his cologne and feel the heat from his body.
“How, uh, how did you get my brother and sister to agree to this?” I ask unable to listen to my rapid heartbeat in my ears any longer.
“I told them the truth,” he answers as if it explains anything at all.
“And that was…” I ask just as he puts the car in park. “Wait, where are we?”
“I’m taking you to lunch. We need to talk,” he climbs from the car and walks around helping me out.
Pulling my hand from his, I look at him. “What is the truth Garrett?”
“Are you sure you want to hear that right now?” He asks as his eyes bounce between my own.
“Of course I do. If you feel the need to lie…”
My sentence is cut short when his hands cup my face, his lips pressing against mine. My heart stops completely. How many times growing up had I fantasized about this moment?
His fingers gently massage the back of my head as he deepens the kiss. Our tongues touch briefly before he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine.
“I’ve wanted to do that for a very long time.”
Slapping him, I pull back. “What the hell, Garrett?” I yell as I begin to pace. “You are my oncologist for crying out loud! You shouldn’t be kissing me.”
He steps next to me, taking my hands in his. “Donna, I’ve been in love with you for years. Sure, I’m a doctor at the same clinic that you are having treatment at, but I’m not your doctor. But even if I was that was only temporary. This is more than temporary. For me it is anyway.”
Turning my back on him, I try to curb this sudden surge of longing pouring through me. My heart knows the decision that I need to make. Turning back around, I face the man that I’ve secretly loved since school.
“Can we just be friends? I just got out of a bad relationship. I really don’t think it’s wise to get in another one at this moment. Not without knowing,” I say softly.
The twinge of pain on his face breaks my heart, but he forces a smile and nods. Leading me inside, we find a table. Looking around, I watch families enjoying a nice outing together. My heart breaks a little. Before I could think about what I was saying, my mouth starts moving.
“Does this mean that I’ll never have kids?” My eyes never leave the little baby next to me.
“Not necessarily. Don’t get me wrong, it is unlikely, but given your age… I always say never say never,” he says. “Do you want kids?”
“I used to,” I say sadly.
“What changed your mind?”
Tearing my eyes away from the baby, I look down at my hands. “Because of this. I’m not sure it’s worth the risk to bring a child into the world and not know if I’ll be leaving it behind soon.”
He reaches across the table and takes my hands. “Look at me, beautiful,” he urges quietly.
Hesitating briefly, I meet his eyes and I’m in complete shock at what I’m seeing in them. There’s compassion, kindness, but what took my breath away is the love I see
in them.
“You can’t live like that. At any point, any of us could go without warning. Even the completely healthy ones. I know what you mean by not wanting to leave your child or children behind, but why stop living because one moment of uncertainty?”
“That’s so easy for you to say. You’re not in my shoes,” I almost hiss cynically.
Abruptly, he moves to the seat next to me. Once again cups my face in his hands, my wide eyes meet his intense ones.
“If you think I’m not going through this, you’re wrong. It kills me to know that there is the possibility of losing you when I feel like I’m just getting you. But you know what kills me more?”
Shaking my head, I swallow hard past the lump in my throat. “No, what?”
“The thought of not having even a little time with you, kills me more than anything. I’m not going to push you, beautiful. I’d never want you to feel forced to be with me, but can’t we take small steps.”
Looking at him for a moment, I wonder if this would become a regret if I didn’t try. Knowing that it definitely would, I take a deep breath and make sure I get my piece in before I say my answer.
“Do you understand what I’ve just been through with Vince?”
“No, I don’t, but how is it fair to compare me to him?”
“I’m not trying to, but you need to understand. He was great in the beginning. Honestly, I thought I’d won the lottery, especially since I couldn’t have you. Then the longer we were together, his disguise started to fade away. He practically moved himself into my place. I had to have supper on the table by the time he got home. I was his servant. When I had the biopsy, I over slept and he woke me up by screaming at me and yanking my blankets off me. When I told him he could fend for himself, he hit me. I’m not saying you’re like him, but I’m saying how do I forget that?”
He sighs, shaking his head back and forth. “Give me a minute,” he forces out. Garrett noticeably takes three deep breaths.
“Are… Are you okay?”
Just as he was about to answer, the server came up to take our orders. With a quick perusal of the menu, we place our orders. Once she walks away, my stomach knots.
“No, I’m not okay. The woman I’ve never been able to forget about and have tried so hard to win her heart has just told me that she, and I’m putting this lightly, was treated like shit. All I want to do is walk from this restaurant, drive to wherever this loser lives and beat the living shit out of him. So, no, I’m not okay. As for how you forget that, I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to forget how shitty it was before me. Remembering will only let you see exactly how you should be treated and how I will treat you.”
“Why would you even want to go through this? Seriously? Why?”
He laughs softly, taking me by surprise. “You just don’t get it do you?”
Sighing in frustration, I flop back against the back of the booth. Honestly, I really didn’t get it. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I ever will understand no matter where I go from here. All I know is that he made a point earlier and I owe it to myself to follow through.
“Honestly, no, but I guess you can show me eventually. You made a valid point earlier. It would be one of my biggest regrets to turn you away. If I should not make it through this or whatever is thrown my way, I don’t want regrets. But you have to promise me something.”
The smile that spreads across his face is breathtaking. If his smile was a light, its brightness would be compared to that of a flood light, a bright beacon in the dark.
“Name it. I’d do anything in the world for you,” he says simply.
“You have to promise me that if I get worse, if it looks like I’m not going to make it…”
Leaning forward, he kisses me. It is passionate causing me to melt into him. When he pulls away, I sigh unintentionally loudly. He chuckles softly and looks at me.
“Don’t even finish that. I will be by your side every step of the way. When you beat cancer, I’ll be there. When you celebrate another year of remission, I’ll be by your side. When you turn old and gray as you watch our grandkids playing in the yard, I’ll be there right by your side. I will not promise to leave you when you need me the most. So don’t ask me.”
Unable to do anything else other than nod my head, he kisses my lips light again just as our server brings over our appetizers. The night turns around after that. It is an enjoyable meal and conversation as well as reminiscing about the past when we were kids.
“God, I didn’t think you knew about that. I’ll have to kill my brother.” I say as we walk out of the restaurant.
Garrett laughs loudly. “Oh, no, he didn’t tell me. I saw you. I was, uh,” his sentence trails off.
Smirking, I put my hands on my hips as I stop next to the vehicle. “You were what, Gare?”
“I was watching you. I was always watching you. It was the best part of my day,” he says sheepishly.
My mouth drops open in shock. “You were? You did?”
Stepping closer, he wraps his arms around me. “Best moments of my life until now,” he breathes before sealing his mouth over mine.
As the kiss deepens, I tangle my hands in his hair and pull him closer to me. His arms tighten around my waist as he leans me against the truck. His groan fills my ears as my hands tighten into fists in his hair.
My phone starts to ring breaking into our moment. Reluctantly, we pull apart, but I can’t break away from the look in his eyes. Eventually, my phone stops ringing. The silence draws out between us.
“Shall I take my queen home?”
“If you must,” I breathe.
He smirks. “Would you rather I not?”
“Well…” I blush.
“Come on, climb in. How about I take you home, but stay to watch a movie?”
My responding grin is so big it hurt my face. “Yes, that sounds wonderful.”
By the time we get to my place, I’m approaching the exhausted level. No matter how tired I am, I’m not calling off this night. Not in a million years.
He helps me out of the car and I rest my head on his shoulder as we walk up the steps. Garrett wraps his arm around me holding me close. It is an indescribable feeling having his arm around me and his head resting on my own.
Was it too soon for me to be moving on after Vince? Maybe, but this just feels so right. It feels as if it is destined to be. This isn’t just any guy though. This is Garrett Hepner, my high school and adult life crush.
“Thank you, Dee. Thank you for giving us a chance,” he says in a hushed sound that is so soft as if it is a dream.
Looking up at him, I smile. “Well, I’m a little bit selfish, what can I say,” I wink playfully.
“Me too,” he utters very softly right before kissing me.
He laces his fingers with mine as we walk the rest of the way to my apartment in comfortable silence. Once we get inside, I take his hand and lead him upstairs to my room. Pointing out the door for the bathroom, I show him the television and my stack of movies I keep in my room.
“If you’d rather rent one, we can do that too. The dish remote is over there,” I point to the end table by my bed. “I’ll be right back.”
Walking into my bathroom, I change into my pajamas after deciding that I am no longer going to decide when things happen. I’ll let them happen naturally at whatever pace it’s meant to happen. It is not as if I don’t know Garrett. I have known him since I was seven years old.
Taking a deep breath, I walk out into my room as casual as I can. Quickly grabbing my robe, I slip it on as I walk toward the bed.
“What did you decide?”
“That you are even more beautiful than I ever imagined,” his voice is hoarse, almost sounding strained.
Blushing, I look down at my hands unable to make eye contact with him. “I meant did you decide on a movie?”
“Oh, uh, yes. There’s a few on that are personal favorites of mine, but I wanted your opinion first.”
“Oh, oka
y.” Moving toward the bed, I pull the covers down, climbing on the bed. “What ones are those?”
There’s a long pause before I feel the bed shift next to me. “Oh, uh, there’s um… Four Brothers, The Adjustment Bureau, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Madea’s Family Reunion. Do any of those sound good to you?”
“They all do, but how about something light and funny. Let’s watch Madea,” I giggle.
“Sounds good,” he says as he goes back to the On Demand and clicks the movie.
Madea movies have always been a favorite of mine. The things this ‘woman’ comes up with are both hilarious and insightful at the same time. It never fails that I’ll laugh at some point during one of 'her' movies.
After a little bit into the movie, and sitting stiff as a board, too nervous to move, my mind shut off and is ready for sleep. Without thinking, I roll over and curl into Garrett. His breath catches in his throat on a gasp a second before his arms wrap around me with a deep exhale.
Shifting around, I vaguely feel him covering me up. He presses a soft tender kiss to my forehead.
“Do you want me to go, beautiful?”
“Huh-uh, stay, comfortable,” I mumble.
“With pleasure,” he whispers.
The smile slowly spreads across my face as he kisses my head again and shuts the television off. Scooting us down the bed a little further, he pulls the covers all the way over us. Just before I doze off, I swear I hear him say something, but for the life of me, I don’t know what it is.
Waking up, I smell the most glorious scent in the world. Eggs, bacon, potatoes, maybe pancakes… I don’t know, but yum. Stretching, I yawn as my stomach growls. Rubbing my eyes, I sit up and walk down the stairs as I adjust my robe that I slept in last night.
“Good Morning, Beautiful. Did you sleep well?”
“I did actually. Best sleep I’ve had in a very long time,” I smile at him.
He shuts off the burner, shifts the pan to another burner, walks over to me, and wraps his arms around me.
“Same here and it’s all because of you. I never imagined ever winning your heart, but damn it feels good to be here now,” he smiles.