It hurt so much.
Huge sobs were rocking her body, and she couldn’t stop shaking.
Where had they gone wrong? What had she done wrong?
She was trying to get air in her lungs, but it was not working anymore. Panic seeped through her fogged mind as she tried again and again to inhale.
The periphery of her vision was beginning to cloud when the door suddenly opened. In the next moment, a gust of cold and wet air blew into the car.
“Lily!” David screamed.
She couldn’t feel him.
“What’s wrong?”
Another gust of wind brought a sheet of rain into the car, and she began to shiver again, still trying to get air into her lungs.
“Breathe, baby,” he said, kneeling on the wet curb next to the car. “Breathe.”
He began to show her how, and she followed his direction until finally, air flew into her lungs. The relief was quickly followed by a fresh bout of tears, and she let her head fall against the steering wheel again.
“Lily, don’t stay out here. Come,” David said, removing the keys from the ignition.
He unbuckled her seat belt and gently pried her hands from the steering wheel. He then pulled her into his arms, shut the car door with his foot, and, cradling her against his broad chest, made his way to the house.
“David, please don’t let me go,” she said, grabbing his soaked shirt.
He was the only reason she wasn’t shattering to the ground into a thousand pieces all over again.
“I won’t let you go,” he said, his lips against her hair.
Finally feeling safe, Lily closed her eyes and willed darkness to claim her.
Chapter Seventy-One
LILY
“Is she okay? Did she tell you what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know, Mom.”
When Lily came to, she was being held against someone’s warm body and was covered in a blanket. As she opened her eyes, the world came crashing down on her, and fresh tears came to her eyes. She looked up at the concerned faces of Sandra and Nicole, but Lily couldn’t feel them.
A wave of panic hit her.
“Lily, honey, what’s wrong?” Nicole asked, gently putting her hand on her forehead.
Lily couldn’t answer. Her sobs were choking her again.
“Oh! Oh! That’s not good,” Nicole said. “Breathe, Lily, breathe.”
The feel of David’s arms tightening their grip around her reassured Lily, and the wave of panic passed.
“Lily?” David said against her hair.
“Malakai,” she tried to say between sobs. “My shields.”
“What about them?” Sandra asked.
“They’re back and…I can’t turn them off. Malakai…He…”
She couldn’t continue.
The horror of what had happened was too big for her to put into words. All she wanted to do was stay in David’s warm arms, forget, and sleep.
“I’ll go call him,” Sandra said from far, far away.
Lily closed her eyes and stayed there without moving. If she remained still, maybe it would all go away…
“Mom, he’s not picking up,” Sandra said a few moments later. “We should send David to check up on him.”
“I’m a little busy here,” David said.
“Lily, honey,” Nicole said, gently caressing her back. “David will take you upstairs, okay? You need to get those wet clothes off if you don’t want to be sick.”
Lily didn’t remember nodding. Everything was so surreal, so out of place. David was taking her up the stairs, but she couldn’t tell what was in his heart. He put her down on the bed, but she didn’t know which one. Then she heard urgent whispers, and Sandra finally came and helped her out of her clothes.
“He…he felt so disgusted by me,” she said to Sandra. “It hurts so much. I just want it to stop.”
“Lily, what did he do?”
She sounded worried, but Lily wasn’t sure; she couldn’t feel her.
“Did he…did he force himself on you?”
The suggestion was so ludicrous Lily would have laughed if her heart hadn’t been so broken.
“No. He wouldn’t have me,” she whispered, looking away. “He was disgusted by the thought of me. I couldn’t take it… My shields, they’re back.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Sandra, am I really that disgusting? Am I really that horrible?”
“No, Lily, you’re not. There must be an explanation.”
“I…” Lily looked down at herself. She was, after all, pretty ordinary, nothing as fancy as Zoe.
“Stop it,” Sandra said firmly. “You’re not bad. You’re actually very pretty. Now lie down, and I’ll come and keep you company.”
Lily did as she was told and was asleep before Sandra returned to her.
Chapter Seventy-Two
LILY
Two days without news. Two days wondering if he would ever call her again.
Lily had to face it; he wouldn’t.
She was sitting in Sandra’s living room, staring at nothing, numb and cold. Sandra was preparing breakfast with Nicole. David had left the house earlier, his eyes hard, his jaw clenched, just like they had been the previous day.
“Lily, come and eat,” Nicole called from the kitchen.
Lily wasn’t hungry. She hadn’t been hungry for the last two days. In fact, the previous day, she had nearly lost her breakfast. But she had to at least try; otherwise, Nicole would fuss over her even more.
She made her way to the kitchen and sat at the counter next to Sandra. Now that she could no longer feel anybody around her, she had the impression she was the only person in the room. She missed her power, and try as she might, she couldn’t remove her shields.
“We’ll figure it out, Lily,” Sandra had said.
They hadn’t figured out how to get her shields back in the first place. How would they figure out how to get them down now? They did say, after all, to be careful what one wished for.
Lily had gotten exactly what she wished, but at what price?
Sandra was just too nice to say it, but it was better for Lily to be stuck with shields than without. None meant constant dependence on everybody around her. Now she was basically home free.
In every sense of the word.
When she thought everything would be all right, it just wasn’t.
“We’re going to shop for your furniture today,” Nicole said, bringing her back to the here and now.
Lily glanced at the untouched plate in front of her. She hadn’t even realized it was there. Slowly she took her fork and tried to get a piece of omelet in her mouth. It tasted like ashes.
“Did you hear me, Lily?”
She looked up and stared at Nicole for a moment, trying to remember what she had said.
Oh, yes. Furniture shopping.
“I…I don’t feel like it.”
“Of course you don’t. But we’re going anyway. We’re also going to get your keys. They were ready yesterday. You’ll need to be settled in before school begins. You can’t keep on living out of your boxes. Remember, the moving company will take your things from the storage unit to your apartment tomorrow.”
Lily just looked at Nicole, not really understanding what she was talking about. Then it hit her. She was supposed to begin her new life this week. She was supposed to start it, and she had wanted to do it with Malakai.
But she wouldn’t.
Malakai was gone.
Malakai was disgusted by her.
Fresh tears came to her eyes.
In one fluid movement, Nicole grabbed a tissue from the box on the kitchen counter and gave it to her, like she had done countless times in the last two days.
“I know, honey,” she said, putting her arm around her shoulders. “But you have to do this. And you’re not alone. Sandra and I are here with you, and we’ll help you.”
Lily nodded, wishing she felt the woman’s usual warmth, but she couldn’t.
&n
bsp; She had lost so much so quickly.
“Now please try to eat something,” Nicole said with a sad smile.
Lily tried, but after three bites she was done. Half an hour later, sitting in the back of Nicole’s car, they were pulling up to her apartment complex. An hour later, they were at the store, trying to choose furniture.
“How about these?” Sandra asked, pointing at a set of living room furniture—the tenth one so far.
Lily didn’t care for any of them. In fact, she doubted she would find anything. She had hoped Malakai would be there with her. She had hoped he would tell her what he liked too, like he had done for the apartment. She had hoped it would be something they both liked, since she had imagined him using it as much as she would.
But he wasn’t there.
Not anymore.
At the thought of him, tears came to her eyes again, and she quickly fished for a tissue in her purse.
“Lily, you’ll be okay,” Sandra said, putting a hand on her shoulder.
Lily gave her a watery smile.
“Now let’s find you something I know you’ll like…I mean, I’ve known you since elementary school, I should know what you like by now.”
Lily nodded, glad Sandra was there to take charge.
An hour later, with a living room set, a kitchen set, and a bedroom set on order, they drove to another store where Nicole equipped Lily with towels, sheets, and everything she would need for the kitchen.
Once they paid for the purchases, Lily’s stomach growled loudly, and Sandra turned to her. “You’re hungry?” she asked, her eyebrows disappearing under her bangs.
“A little,” she admitted.
“Mom! Restaurant! Now!” Sandra said to Nicole, who was walking in front of them with one of the two carts.
Nicole looked at Lily with a warm smile.
A soup and a salad later, they made their way to Lily’s new apartment and emptied the car of their purchases.
“Well, we did forget something,” Nicole said with a frown as they unwrapped her things. “You’ll need to wash all of this before putting it away, and we forgot to get you soap, of all things. We’ll finish unpacking and we’ll come back tomorrow.”
They were still unpacking when Lily’s phone rang. They all turned to look at her purse.
Lily’s heart stopped.
The phone hadn’t rung in two days, and she could only stare at her purse, hoping with all her heart it was Malakai. She was so afraid she couldn’t move.
Sandra snatched the purse from the counter and fished for Lily’s phone. She grabbed it and glanced at the caller ID. With a sigh, she swiped her finger on the display.
“Hi, Charlie,” she said.
The air escaped from Lily’s lungs.
Charlie.
Not Malakai.
Before she could stop them, tears came to her eyes, and she let a sob escape her.
Not Malakai.
“Oh, dear! We also forgot tissues,” Nicole said, coming to her and taking her in her arms. “I know it’s hard, honey. I know.”
“I miss him,” she cried.
“I know.”
“Why, Nicole? Why?”
“I don’t know, honey. I really don’t. That boy is so in love with you, I don’t understand what’s going on in his head.”
Lily cried harder, holding on to Nicole for dear life. All she ever wanted was to be loved, but now Malakai had rejected her. Faintly, she perceived Nicole’s concern for her, and she held on to the feeling, hoping the shields were gone for the thousandth time since they had slammed back into place.
Of all the things in her life, her shields were the only thing that remained whole.
Chapter Seventy-Three
MALAKAI
All of Tuesday and Wednesday, Malakai had the impression he was walking outside of himself. Lily hadn’t been at school, and he felt her absence keenly.
But he was no longer with her.
He rationalized, for the hundredth time, it was better for him to have left her now than later, after they had shared more than what they had already.
It hurt so, so much he felt like an elephant had taken permanent residence on his chest.
When he walked into his English class that Thursday morning, he saw her. She was sitting on the opposite side of the classroom from her usual seat, in the first row, and was gazing out the window. She looked so pale and incredibly sad. Malakai wanted to go to her, to take her in his arms and tell her he had been wrong, but he couldn’t. She was no longer his to comfort.
After she had left, David had shown up pretty angry. He had asked Malakai what happened, but Malakai didn’t tell him. That had made the center angrier, and as he had left, he told Malakai he had better fix this.
But Malakai had no way of fixing it.
He took the last seat in the row next to the door, the farthest seat from Lily.
At lunch the two previous days, Malakai had sat at his usual table, David next to him. They hadn’t talked. In fact, Malakai hadn’t spoken to anyone, and everybody had pretty much left him alone. He was glad of that. He didn’t want to talk. He wanted to try and survive the rest of the year and leave, taking comfort in the knowledge that in five months he would be far away from this place.
Now that he was sitting in the classroom across from her, he couldn’t help himself; he just stared at her. He found it strange she didn’t even seem to know he was there, as she should have felt him. His pain was so raw, so deep, it was palpable, and he doubted a tree would have remained oblivious to it.
He didn’t hear any of the lesson. He didn’t know how the hotstopper from his long forgotten coffee ended up in his hand. He hadn’t even realized the bell had rung until he saw Lily stand and disappear out the door.
Malakai grabbed his books and his half-drunk coffee and made his way to his next classroom.
When lunchtime came around, Malakai was ready to hide in the gym and punch the bag until it dropped from its hinge. He had a constant pain in his chest, and it had nothing to do with a heart attack.
He slowly made his way to the cafeteria, went to buy his lunch, and sat at his usual table. A few minutes later, David walked into the cafeteria with Lily, talking to her, smiling at her. Malakai’s heart shattered all over again. David liked her too, and now he was going for her.
Malakai was so confused he barely registered they weren’t touching, he barely understood what it meant, but they were so close he couldn’t stop the flare of jealousy that crept into his heart.
“Wow! With David again,” Zoe said from the next table over.
“Shut up,” Malakai growled, the only thing he had said at the lunch table since their return from the holiday. He must have sounded quite scary because everybody turned and looked at him with different expressions of surprise on their faces.
A few moments later, Lily walked out of the cafeteria with her lunch, and David walked to their table with his. Everyone remained quiet, looking at David and Malakai, waiting to see what would happen next. When nothing did, they went back to their lunches.
How could his best friend go with…?
He couldn’t finish the thought; it just hurt too much. Malakai pushed his half-eaten tray toward David, who never had enough food, grabbed his bag, stood, and left.
He had to let her go.
He had to live with the fact he was the one who had left her.
Even if he didn’t like it, she had every right to find happiness wherever she could, even with David.
Chapter Seventy-Four
MALAKAI
Malakai had no idea how he ended up there. He was at the school football field, sitting on the third row of the bleachers, looking at the empty field in front of him. It had begun to rain a while back, but he didn’t care. All he felt was the pain in his heart, the pain of seeing Lily with David at lunch earlier.
Gone was her easy smile, and he was the one who had put the sadness in her eyes when he had let her go.
When he had said no.
>
When he hadn’t followed her.
The rain was now pouring down on him, and he didn’t have the strength to move anymore. All he wanted to do was crawl in the middle of the field, roll in a fetal position, and sleep…Never mind the rain.
“Malakai?” someone called, approaching him.
He didn’t even look up. He didn’t know if he could.
“Malakai, dude, what are you doing here?”
Malakai remained silent.
David sat next to him, pulling his coat higher to cover his neck. “It’s raining, dude. Let’s get out of here.”
Malakai didn’t answer. He didn’t move. He just kept on staring right in front of himself.
Maybe, if he kept perfectly still…
“What the fuck is going on?” David finally asked, getting angry all over again. “You didn’t want to tell me last week, but you sure as hell are going to tell me now. Lily’s been at my house crying her eyeballs out for the last week, and you’re sitting here in the fucking rain.
“Malakai, answer me!”
“Lily,” he whispered. His heart constricted at the thought of her, crying, alone, broken.
“Yes, Lily. What did you do to her?”
“I said no,” he said so quietly he wondered if David had heard over the rain.
“What do you mean you said no?”
“She wanted to make love, and I said no.”
“What the fuck, dude?! The most beautiful girl in school asked you to have sex, and you said no? Are you gay or something?”
Malakai shook his head. As he looked at his hands, he noticed how his cast had begun to soften where it had gotten wet.
“Okay, you’ve got to explain that one to me because I just don’t get it.”
“My mum came back. Did you know?” Malakai said, instead of answering.
“Okay. And what does that have to do with anything?”
“My mum abandoned me when I was ten years old. One day she was there, and the next, poof, she was gone. No words, no explanation, no nothing. Just gone. Now she’s back, and all I can think about is how she left me, how my father leaves me all the time, for weeks on end, and me being alone at home, day after day. Did you know that, David?” he asked, looking at the center.
Crossing the Barrier Page 28