Untwist

by Coopmans, Kathy

  I wish it were that easy to forgive and forget. But this can’t be swept under the rug; it can’t dry up and disappear with tears. It’ll eat me up the way my guilt did for ten goddamn years if I don’t get it out.

  “I love you too.”

  “I’m sorry, Ellie, so sorry. I felt so damn helpless. I know you were scared. I was too. Watching Shadow beat you, touch you, hurt you, it damn near broke me. You though, you amaze me — this strong, fierce woman who survived. You…” Without having a clue I was going to ease her broken heart by spilling the whereabouts of her parents’ things, she silences me with a finger to my mouth.

  “I don’t know what it is you were going to say. I don’t even know if I want to ever talk about what happened to me. You seeing what Shadow did is too much for me to think about as it is. I was scared, Logan. At one point, I wanted to give up. I have you to thank that I didn’t. If it weren’t for the love we have for each other, I would have let Shadow get to me. For years, I used to try talking myself into running and hiding. The only place I want to run to anymore is into your arms.”

  The smile ghosting her mouth about knocks the wind out of me. So full of faith and love.

  “My arms will always be open for you. You are priceless, do you know that? I won’t push you to talk, not about this. However.” I linger on that word briefly while I hike up, extend my hand, and help her to stand. Needing to give this woman her happy, needing to take that pain, that wonder and worry away and give her everything she deserves because fuck all if she hasn’t given me mine.

  Ellie’s tongue darts out, and so does the smile I’d been holding back, it’s more like a smirk. Cocky and sure that I’m about to blow my girl’s mind. Kind of makes me want to stick around and watch her, but this isn’t a moment in time for her and me.

  “However, what?” she mutters, fixing her robe, covering up all that flesh I can’t wait to touch.

  I don’t answer. Instead, I guide her across the hall, open the door, and give her the one thing that Shadow, Elizabeth, and Whitney stole from her that I’m able to give back.

  Chapter 13

  Ellie

  When I first found out who Logan was, I thought he was out to hurt me. Even though he did, it wasn’t his intention. I thought he was arrogant, conceited, and wanted me to dip my toes in his lifestyle. To share me with others and take.

  To define him, now it is so easy.

  The man is the opposite of what I thought. He’s righteous. He’s bad. He’s sincere and real. He’s everything in a man I want. If he weren’t, I wouldn’t be standing here feeling closer to my mom and dad than I did earlier today. I wouldn’t hear their voices telling me this is where I’m finding my peace. Where I can let go of the heartache from missing them and live the life they wanted for me — the only place in my entire life where I’ve ever felt truly safe.

  Even when Shadow lived here, I felt safer than at Renita’s or New Orleans. Maybe it’s because what he did to me was long after this place was stolen from me.

  I don’t know. All I know for sure is this is the place I was meant to be.

  Chaos, commotion, confusion, and a type of calmness I haven’t felt since the day I lost my father settles over me as I stare at several boxes sitting on top of a table in the middle of the room. And one is tilted on its side against the wall. I already know what’s inside without having to open it. That long white box makes my heart swell. Beside it is my dad’s black gun case along with his skeet shooting rifles.

  Belongings that, as sad as they might be to look at, are mine, and the man I love somehow found them. Regardless of what’s inside those boxes, the fact remains, I have bits and pieces of my mom and dad.

  “Logan, I don’t know how you found this stuff, and I don’t care. Thank you.” I turn around, expecting to see him hovering behind me. When all I see is an empty doorway, I can’t help but smile, knowing that he’s given me this time with my parents.

  He’s given me everything I wanted and all that I deserve to have.

  Expect the unexpected. That’s what you are, Logan, the unexpected.

  If I thought my emotions were drowning with what I went through years ago when I thought Elizabeth sold or gave away everything, they are swimming across the surface with all their might, not only to stay afloat but to reach the finish line.

  I swallow the debris in my throat. The pain in my chest slowly breaks away, and my entire body shakes as I move around the table, grab the pair of scissors sitting on top of a box and slice through the tape. The smile on my face that the scissors are there in the first place strums up the anticipation of what I’ll find inside. It’s so intense it courses through me as if I were a child at Christmastime.

  Excitement. Eagerness. Anticipation.

  My heart kicks at my ribs and a lump forms at the base of my throat. With shaky hands, I lift the flaps.

  My mouth drops open, and something like a squeal comes out of my mouth as I pull out some of my mother’s clothes. And I swear I can smell her with every shirt, dress, and pair of slacks that I hold to my chest and sniff even though I know I can’t.

  It’s the same with the next box, the next and the next. Clothes and shoes. All of them belonging to my mother.

  “These may have been worthless to you, Elizabeth, they aren’t to me. They are mine, even if they stay in a closet somewhere for the rest of my life.”

  I don’t bother boxing them back up. Instead, I leave them in a giant heap on the floor to go through later. I grab the scissors and with no grace at all, no care that my ass is going to be on fire more than it already is. I sit cross-legged on the floor and open the gun case.

  “There they are,” I whisper to the walls, run my hands across the hard plastic case I remember so well.

  Tears fall down my face when I see the gun Shadow had tucked safely in the foamy cushions with four others. “Oh, God, I missed you guys so much.” I swipe at my tears, refusing to cry when this is one of the happiest days of my life.

  Pulling out one of the guns and setting it on the floor beside me, I close the lid and move onto the rectangular box that’s undoubtedly going to give me the peace my parents are waiting for me to have.

  Placing the box flat on the floor, I run my hands across the top before lifting the lid. So many memories run through my mind as I stare at what’s inside I don’t bother pausing them.

  “Ellie Mae Wynn, how many times have I told you my wedding dress is not something you play with? If it doesn’t belong to you, then you do not touch it.”

  Pulling the ivory dress out of the box, I get to my feet. Straighten out the lace-covered gown against my body. It’s so much prettier than I remember with the sequins and the detailed beading.

  “I wish I had a mirror.”

  The thought vanishes when I look down — my attention catching on something else inside the box. Two somethings to be exact.

  With eager fingers that tremble more than before and a bottom that’s going to curse me to the hills, I bend over, retrieve the two items, position myself on my side on top of the pile of clothes and set my parents’ wedding photo upright next to me.

  And I stare.

  No sobbing, no anger, just me, my mom, and my dad.

  “You look so happy, so in love,” I say, my eyes flitting back and forth between my parents as they stand side by side, gazing into one another’s eyes. “I can touch this now, Mom. It’s mine.” I hold up her wedding gown as if she can see it. Recalling the many times I’d sneak into her closet, put on her wedding dress only to be scolded and told I wasn’t allowed to touch it until I was old enough to appreciate its worth.

  For the longest time, I remain that way. My fingers running across the lace, my gaze never wavering from them. It isn’t until I shift to get a little more comfortable; I remember the other item. The one that’s going to cut and glue me back together.

  Picking up the once white envelope that’s now turned a dingy yellow, I trace the one word written in my mother’s perfect handwriti
ng.

  My name.

  Ellie.

  I place a hand over my heart as if it would slow it down; it’s pounding so fast I could explode. My mother left me a letter. She left me a piece of her.

  Oh, my God.

  Shaky fingers slide it open, and my nerves rattle all over the place.

  Ellie,

  Your father and I went to the doctor this morning. He confirmed what both of us already knew. With that said, if you are reading this, then I’m no longer with you. Before I go on, I want to make something clear. If I look down and see you crying while reading this. I’ll be angry with you. Do you hear me? My magical, swimming, Disney loving princess with the most creative imagination of anyone I know will not break down in tears, not when the words I have to say are meant to guide you. You pretend I’m right there saying them to your beautiful face.

  As I sit here writing this, I haven’t come to accept that one day my mind will forget about you. As a mother, it’s the toughest pill I will ever swallow. I’m thinking how is it possible to forget about her? She’s unforgettable. She’s part of me, the best part honestly. But they say I will.

  I want you to know; I tried my best to beat this terrible disease because the thought of forgetting about you and your father rips my heart in two.

  That’s the funny thing about the heart. It might ache, feel like it wants to break when something terrible happens, and in our minds it does. It doesn’t break, Ellie. It holds strong and steady. It carries you through life, makes you become who you are and you have a big heart. You always have.

  The heart never forgets those we love either. It holds so much, and it will take on everything life tosses our way. I want you to know that I might not remember who you are in my mind, but I will forever know who you are always and forever in my heart. I can’t forget you there, not when you and your dad take up the entire space.

  I’m not going to write about the things I’ll miss watching as you grow up. I’ll see them; I’ll watch, and I’ll listen.

  The one thing I can’t do is give you advice. So here it is, kiddo.

  In living, there is an overabundance of pain and suffering. So much sometimes that you don’t think you’ll ever get past it. There isn’t a single person who doesn’t experience it one way or another. When you do, it’s okay to cry, to feel sorrow and grief, to hurt. I promise you will arise and be a much stronger woman from it.

  But you, you are the only one who can control the stoppage of any emotion. No one controls those darn things except you. The good thing, no one can control those happy emotions but you either. Those are the best. If you haven’t figured out what I’m talking about when I say emotions by the time you read this, you will soon, and you’ll agree.

  They are tricky little stinkers, but they make up who you are.

  Life isn’t easy, Ellie. It’s hard. Even so, live it to its fullest, it’s the only one you’ve got.

  Don’t waste a day of your life dwelling on things you have no control over either. It drives me crazy when people do that. Control you. Do you and life will be content. I promise. Try and remember that a wasted day could be your last day because, like me, we don’t know how many days we have left.

  As of yet, I don’t know where in your life you’ll be when you read this letter. I can only hope that when you do, you are as happy as I want you to be.

  It would be my wish too that I’ll be around for a long, long time. Time will tell.

  Your dad might have told you this by now; we named you Ellie because it means shining light. It’s the perfect name for you. Let it shine around you, Ellie.

  Don’t ever forget that the day you were born was the day the brightest light was brought into mine and your father’s lives.

  Phew, I have so much to say. I could go on and on. I’ll stick with the important stuff that I think you’ll understand and appreciate, like boys or men.

  I want you to take that kind, light, and cheerful, loving heart of yours and find someone worthy of it. I want you to fall so hard for a man that you don’t want to get up. Love is delicate; it’s complicated, it’s passionate and to me, it’s the best emotion out there. Love it hard too, it hurts. Trust me, I wouldn’t trade your father in for all the money in the world, but we don’t have the perfect marriage. We love each other enough to pick and choose our battles. When you love someone with all you have, love is worth it. It’s the greatest gift from life because with love, comes a family.

  Remember, there are many forms of love, the same as there are many forms of pain. Like the kind of love you have for Renita and Norah. That’s a special kind of love, and I’m so happy that when I’m gone, they will be there for you every step you take on the walk of life.

  I want you to be healthy and happy and free and filled with everything you deserve. That’s all a mother ever wants for her child. And, that’s who you are. My child. My blood. My daughter. My life.

  The scars of life, of love, of happiness, whatever they might be will build, Ellie. The road, at times, will get bumpy. When it does, I want you to put the pedal to the metal and drive right over them. I want you to remember that you are my daughter. A fighter. A warrior.

  Right now, I’m angry because I can’t continue to raise you, guide you and show the world this creation that is the best part of me and the man I love with all my heart, but you know what? I’m going to ride off into the sunset, knowing that my daughter was loved, and that she was taught to be kind to others. That she knew how to love and express it freely, that is a must. Don’t be afraid to love, don’t be scared to trust someone with that heart of yours. If they love you, they will cherish it always.

  When I take my last breath, I’m going with peace in my heart knowing I was the best mother I could be, and that I showed you kindness and strength and to believe in yourself. And I never forgot you in my heart. For in my heart is where you live. In my heart is where you will stay.

  I’ve placed this letter in the box with my wedding dress. I figured it was the safest place for it. The dress is yours now, sweetheart. Wear it, save it, pass it on down to your daughter if you have one. Maybe you’ll have sons, who knows. It’s okay if you have to leave it in the box, but it’s yours to do with what you want. The same as your life is yours.

  I want you to know one last thing; I love being your mother because I love seeing your smile and hearing you laugh. Laughing is good, right? You and I have and will continue to laugh. It’s the cure to our soul. You laugh, Ellie. You laugh so much, do you hear me? You laugh harder than I ever remember you laughing. Don’t ever stop. If you do, then I’ll give Renita permission to set you straight.

  I’m so proud that you’re my daughter.

  Thanks for making me a mom. You will always and forever be the best accomplishment I’ve done. Nothing has made me prouder than you.

  I love you, Ellie Mae Wynn.

  Mom.

  I clutch the letter to my chest, refusing to surrender to the grief of all that’s happened to me. I fight it with every breath I take as I surround myself with my parents.

  I block it all out. It doesn’t belong here. It never did.

  But I do.

  “It’s taken me a long time to be happy and fall in love, Mom. I’m there. From this day forward, I won’t waste one second of any day. You said you would listen. I’m hoping you can hear me now. I made it past the hardest part of life and now because of that man; I’m freer than I’ve ever been in a long time.”

  Later, when Logan picks me up off the floor, I don’t cry for what I’ve lost. I do the opposite.

  I smile for everything I’ve gained.

  Chapter 14

  Logan

  Coming up for air, I watch Ellie as she leans her head back, spreads her arms straight out behind her to float in the water, and closes her eyes. I’m not complaining as this gives me a full view of her perfect body.

  Stunning.

  Jesus, she looks like a goddess. So breathtaking that the more time I take scanning up and do
wn her figure, the more my dick stiffens, and the harder it is for me to breathe since all my blood has been slowly dripping south for the past couple of weeks.

  Exquisite.

  I never thought watching someone swim would be a turn-on. With Ellie, it is, it was, it will be.

  Need rumbles inside of me. It’s been too damn long since I’ve pleased her.

  It isn’t easy being cooped up in a house with a raging hard-on while watching the woman you desperately want unwillingly tease you when she curls up against your back in the night, pressing her perfect breasts, her hot pussy against you. My patience wore off days ago. Thank fuck she got the all-clear from the doctor this morning because I need to fuck her.

  Badly.

  But I want to take my time getting reacquainted with every curve and valley with my hands and my tongue. I want to worship from the tips of her freshly painted pink toes to the top of her head. I want to kiss that mouth the way it’s been begging me to every time Ellie bites down on it. More so, I need to cure both our sexual frustrations because if there’s one thing I’ve learned over these two weeks, besides getting to know Ellie better, is having patience sucks especially when you have a woman who wants it as badly as you do.

  And want me she does. In all the essential ways a woman wants a man.

  Love, honor, trust.

  The list is endless.

  After finding Ellie curled up in a ball, holding her mother’s wedding dress, and a letter that, once I read it, about buckled me at the knees. Our lives have been as typical as two people trying to heal can be.

  She scared the hell out of me finding her that way. That is until she started laughing and showed me the letter while she sorted through the clothes.

  That letter gutted me, not her though. She was on cloud nine to have something so personal from her mother.

  Rolling the stiffness out of my shoulder, I lean against the side of the pool, stretch my arms out, and enjoy the view.