by L. B. Reyes
Finally, unable to keep my curiosity hidden, I dared to question him.
“I can feel you staring at me.”
He couldn’t hide the shock on his face but was quick to hide it. He couldn’t fool me, though; I’d seen it.
My voice had not only cut through the tension surrounding us, it also seemed to cut through whatever thoughts raced through Derek’s mind. His posture relaxed, and soon the frown on his face disappeared. I hid my smile, but seeing my voice affect him in a positive way made me feel better, like I didn’t bother him too much.
“You’ve been here a couple of months and seem to enjoy the job,” he commented. His piercing green eyes studied me briefly before he turned his attention back to the money in his hands. “It’s surprising.”
I grinned. Derek only knew the old me, the woman who was a snobby bitch and didn’t give a damn about others. He hadn’t given himself the chance to meet the new me. The woman I always wanted to be but was far too terrified of ever being.
“Surprising because I used to look down on the very people I work with?” I asked. There was no need to run around the truth. We both knew what I did and who I used to be. Now it was just a matter of getting to know each other again.
Nothing would happen between us, that much I knew, but we could be friendly, right?
“That was…blunt,” Derek said.
“I’ve always been blunt.” I wiped down another table, trying to avoid eye contact. It wasn’t that I was afraid to look at him. It was simply that looking at him made me weak in the knees. He always appeared unfazed. “That’s one thing that hasn’t changed. But many others have.”
His lips slightly tilted up. “That I’ve noticed.”
Heartbeat quickening, I tried to maintain levelheaded, though his words had a deeper effect than I anticipated. “You have?”
“Why do you think I haven’t fired you?”
At that, I laughed. Derek grinned and then chuckled, finally allowing himself to show an emotion other than anger in front of me.
“Good point.” Seeing that he was allowing a bit more conversation, I continued. “I’m glad you’ve noticed, Derek. I really am trying. And for the record, I like it here. Everyone is very nice. Lisa is insane, but she’s sweet. I can see why you’re good friends with her.”
“She’s great,” he agreed.
I didn’t pry anymore. Derek didn’t know I was aware about his struggle with alcohol, and it wasn’t the moment to tell him.
Step by step.
“What about Blake?”
The tension returned. For some reason, he wasn’t happy with my bringing Blake up, but it was too late.
“Blake has been through a lot too.”
I nodded. That was a topic for another day as well, I realized. It was eerily quiet after that, the conversation limited only to the tasks at hand. I’d ruined the little bit of peace, and now we were in stormy waters again.
***
My feet ached.
I’d been there all day, running back and forth since we were one person short. It was late, and I still had to walk home. Though the option of taking a cab existed, I was hoarding every penny I earned. My goal was to pay Evie back everything she’d bought for me and rent an apartment. I hated feeling like I depended on someone else. The one thing I held on to was my independence.
I sat in one of the chairs and took my shoes off in a desperate attempt to relieve the ache, while Derek gathered up a few things before we left.
“You tired?”
I hummed, massaging my feet, before putting my shoes back on.
“Are you calling a cab?”
“I’m walking.” I let my hair down from the tight bun, a sigh of relief escaping when it was released from its confines.
“Why are you walking?”
“Saving money for an apartment,” I replied.
He shifted on his feet, glancing outside. It was past midnight already, perhaps the latest day we’d had to date.
“I’ll drive you.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. The offer was tempting but uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be alone with him, because if I was, I’d probably say everything I wanted to say and he wasn’t ready.
“It’s fine and—”
“No. I’ll drive you. I insist.”
I could feel the blood rushing through my veins, my pulse thundering in my ears. The door was back open; this was my chance. I could either take it or leave it.
No way in hell was I leaving it.
***
It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. He played music while I looked out, drinking in the peace I felt for the first time in so long. I’d needed this, and I hoped it meant Derek was leaving his resentment behind.
“I like it here,” I whispered to no one in particular.
Derek stayed quiet for a few seconds, his gaze straight ahead. “I do too. It’s different from Pennsylvania.”
I knew that.
All his nightmares took place in Pennsylvania. His childhood, his mother…me.
“Where’s your dad?”
I stilled. My dad hadn’t exactly been a good man, but he was still my father. I missed him.
“He doesn’t want to come,” I admitted. “Doesn’t feel like he’ll be welcomed.”
“You should visit him.”
“I would…but I don’t think I’m ready to go back to Pennsylvania, either.”
“Hasn’t been a good place for any of us, has it?”
I glanced his way and smiled. “It’s been what we’ve made of it.”
A chuckle left his lips before it turned into full-blown laughter. He seemed so carefree, just like old times, and it was hard to look away.
“Evelyn says that a lot, you know? Maybe you two do have some things in common, after all.”
I grinned, staring back at him without hiding the joy I felt being with him.
“Thank you for driving me,” I said as soon as we arrived at Evie’s.
Derek nodded as his hands gripped the steering wheel tighter. I could tell something bothered him, and yet again curiosity got the best of me.
“Is everything okay, Derek?”
His lips were pressed into a tight line. The first thought in my mind was that he was about to tell me this wouldn’t happen again.
But when he opened his mouth, Derek took my breath away.
“I think it’s time for us to talk, Hannah.”
Chapter 10
Derek
“What are you doing here?”
Lisa rubbed her sleepy eyes while I walked past her and into her apartment.
It was safe to say that in moments like this, I depended fully on her. She’d been the one to offer the support I needed when I was going through shitty situations, and I considered this one of them. I wasn’t sure what in the hell made me think that it was time to talk to Hannah, but I cursed it to hell and back. I wasn’t ready for any of it. In that moment, all I wanted, needed, was to numb my thoughts.
Maybe I was a coward for not doing what I should have done the second she left prison. However, confronting the past is never easy, especially not when it was so terrible and painful.
The small talk we’d made changed all of it.
Hannah always acted differently when she was with me, like she was free to be herself. Now, it seemed like she felt comfortable enough to be herself all the time.
That made me believe the time had come to confront our past. I didn’t know if it was the right choice. In fact, I dreaded that conversation with Hannah. What did it matter? What was done was done, and nothing would change it.
Lisa stopped my pacing, placing her small hands on my shoulders. Her eyebrows were drawn together with worry, all sleepiness gone.
“What is wrong, Der?”
Her voice soothed me.
I trusted Evie with all my heart, trusted her with every part of my being. She was my little sister, after all; my strength came from her and from Lily. But there was a side to me I
didn’t want Evie to see. Alcohol was my weakness. It was the one thing that could make me forget about problems and not think so fucking much.
The years sober were an accomplishment, one that had taken more effort than I could have ever imagined. Lisa had been there every step of the way. She’d battled her own demons and was brave in doing so while also pulling me out of the shithole I’d been in when we met.
Lisa was my family too.
“I asked her to talk. I told her it was time.”
Her eyes brightened the slightest. “It is time. And it’s okay to be scared. You two went through a lot together and apart. It’s okay.”
“This is a mistake.”
I didn’t know whether I was trying to convince myself or if I truly believed it.
My mind and heart were at war. I didn’t know which to trust or whether I should trust either at all. Both had betrayed me at some point, just like Hannah.
“You will never have peace if you don’t talk to her. She will be around for a while. You know that. Hannah is Evelyn’s sister regardless of what you do. You have to get through that conversation in order to move on with your life.”
“I have moved on,” I stated. “I’ve moved on, and now she’s back and destroying the sense of peace I finally had and—”
“You haven’t moved on.” Lisa quirked her eyebrow as she took a seat on the sofa. “You’ve had a couple of one-night stands here and there but never a relationship. You’re not interested seriously in anyone, and to be honest, since she’s been around, you’ve been a pain in the ass. So it’s safe to say you haven’t moved on, not even a bit.”
I took a seat next to her, running my hands over my face. Closing my eyes, I rested my head on the back of the sofa, trying to relax. I felt Lisa shift, then her hand on my arm.
“It’s okay to be scared, Derek. But this is something you have to do. Things with Hannah and you need to be settled once and for all before you can truly move on. To talk to her doesn’t mean you’ll be getting back together. You don’t have to get back with her.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to.”
Pathetic liar.
I’d convinced myself I wanted nothing to do with Hannah, not romantically, not as friends. We’d be nothing more than acquaintances from now on; there could never be anything else. We both had scars too stubborn to treat.
Her betrayal ran too deep.
“I didn’t know her then,” Lisa said quietly. “But I know her now. She’s a good woman, and I think you’re fooling yourself into thinking you don’t want to get to know who she is now.”
I snorted.
“I’m serious, Derek. Give her a chance. Get to know her. Get this conversation out of the way and give her a chance to be your friend. She’s a smart woman. She knows what she did was ten thousand levels of fucked up, and she’s not making up any excuses. If you ask me, she’s pretty damn brave to be around you, even though the guilt eats her alive every time she sees you.”
“What all has she told you?”
I’d never told Lisa the full story. After all, why would I? I had been an idiot to ever start a relationship with a married woman. There was never a chance in hell it would end well.
“I won’t say,” Lisa replied. “You’re my friend, but I honestly consider her my friend also.”
She squeezed my arm, and I took her hand in mine, returning the comforting gesture.
“Do this for yourself, not for her, okay? You need this, Derek.”
Lovely Lisa, always the sense of reason in the middle of the storm. She always knew what to say, always level headed.
“When are you two talking?”
“At the end of the week.”
“Where are you talking?”
I furrowed my brows, not understanding the question. What did it matter where we talked? What mattered was that we were going to have a conversation, not where or when or how it happened. “What?”
“Where?” Excitedly, Lisa sat up straight, curiosity invading her expression. “At your house? Are you taking her to a restaurant? Late night stroll through the city? Ooh, maybe to the ferry? Or maybe to the park? What if—”
“It’s not a date.”
Lisa shrugged, completely ignoring what I’d said. “Same thing. You two are going out to talk and get to know each other better.” She bit her lip, pouting in the end. “I guess I should stop bothering her with Blake.”
The uncomfortable feeling I got every time I even thought of Blake and Hannah together appeared once again. I saw them grow closer day by day; I saw the way they interacted, how he always joked around with her, and how she always laughed with him. It bothered me for reasons I couldn’t understand, though I refused to say I was jealous.
Because I wasn’t.
There was no way I could be.
“She can do what she likes. All we’re going to do is have a conversation. If you want to set her up with Blake, or whoever you want, that’s your problem.”
She laughed. “Right. Look, I open the restaurant tomorrow, so I’m going to bed. You can make yourself comfortable here. You know that.”
I nodded, kissing her temple. “Thank you, Lisa.”
***
Staying wasn’t an option.
I drove aimlessly for a couple of hours to try and clear my mind.
I didn’t think about where I was heading until I arrived and sat in front of Evie’s house for a while. Except I wasn’t there for my sister, or my niece, or to watch a game with Nathan or discuss his next exposition.
I was there because I didn’t think I could wait until the end of the week. If I did, I knew I would end up acting like a coward, making up excuses, and not talking to her. I owed it to myself to receive answers.
Just do it.
I looked down at my phone, scrolled through the contacts, pausing when I got to Hannah’s name. It glared back, mocking and daring.
You won’t do it.
I dialed.
It rang and rang with no answer. The lights to the house were out, and after seeing how tired she’d been earlier, I was sure she wasn’t going to pick up at all.
I dialed again.
“Derek?”
Her sleepy voice came through the line, reminding me of the times she’d wake up next to me. I swallowed, unsure of what to say.
“Are you there?” she asked, this time with a hint of concern.
“Yeah, actually. I am. I’m right here, outside the house.”
She was unable to hide her shock. “What?”
I glanced toward the house, my gaze settling on the window I knew led to her bedroom. The white curtain moved to the side, and I could vaguely make out her face in the dark.
“You’re here.”
“I was wondering if we could have that talk now.”
There was no need to have her standing in front of me; I could picture her perfectly. Her eyes must have been wide with surprise, her cheeks flushing. I knew her reactions…I knew her.
“Now?”
“Yeah. Are you ready?”
Chapter 11
Hannah
I didn’t expect to see him or to hear his voice, much less see his car parked in front of the house.
But I couldn’t miss this chance.
Tightening the robe around my body, I looked in the mirror hoping that I didn’t appear a mess, though inside, my stomach was in knots. He’d asked if he could come in, but knowing how explosive we both were, I’d opted to go out instead. I brushed my teeth quickly before running down the stairs and opening the door as quietly as I could.
Shivers erupted on my skin with the chill of the night…or perhaps because of how nervous I was. He leaned on his car, opening the door to the passenger seat when he saw me walking in his direction.
“I didn’t expect this to happen today,” I said, trying not to sound so scared.
I failed.
The emotion was obvious in my voice.
I was terrified.
I was nervous.<
br />
Confronting Derek was even more frightening than confronting Evelyn. I’d betrayed the man I loved, the only man who’d loved me.
I didn’t deserve this chance.
Derek appeared to be so composed, it made me even more nervous. My eyes followed his movement as he walked around the car. Once inside, his hands gripped the steering wheel and then he sighed, his gaze falling on me.
“Where do you want to talk?”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Anywhere is fine. The conversation is what matters.”
Agreeing, Derek took off. My heart raced and my mind ran through the endless list of excuses I could give.
I could blame it on the way my mother raised me.
I could blame it on naivety.
I could lie my way out.
But I didn’t want to.
It’s what I would have done before, but I’d learned from my mistakes and would be an idiot to repeat them.
I could tell him the truth. I would.
The real problem was Derek accepting it. Would he ever forgive me?
After all, why would he?
I couldn’t even forgive myself.
“What made you change your mind?” The question came out in a cautious whisper. He wanted answers, but he wouldn’t like them.
The truth wasn’t pretty. The truth was cruel, and it was heartless. The truth would make him hate me more.
I wasn’t prepared for that.
Derek shrugged, his eyes fixed on the road ahead. “It’s kind of stupid to wait any longer. The sooner we get this out of the way, the better.”
His guard is up.
He wouldn’t understand.
It was too late to back out.
We pulled up to a beautiful apartment complex, and while Derek typed in the code, I prayed I’d have the wisdom to tell him the truth in a way he could see how sorry I was.
The next few minutes flew by. One second he was parking, the next we were inside his apartment, alone and tense.
I felt like crying.
I felt like screaming.
I felt so much.
The emotions of the night he left me alone and helpless came rushing back, hitting me so intensely, I had to suppress a gasp. Tears flooded my eyes as regret took over every bit of my soul.