by L. B. Reyes
“I’m so sorry, Nana.”
What else could I say?
The only thing I knew was that if given the chance to go back in time and start over, I would. In a heartbeat, I wouldn’t have done everything I did. I would have been different. But “what ifs” are just that, and there was no way to change anything at all. Moving forward was my only option, and it was what I kept trying to do.
I sat there for a while, lost in my little world until I heard footsteps behind me. I knew who it was without even turning around.
A lone sunflower decorated my grandmother’s grave. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the flower, not even to turn around and face the man who’d set it there. I heard him sit next to me, vaguely made out the figure of his worn shoes, and bit my lip to keep myself from crying.
This is a mistake.
I’d been dumb to think I was strong enough to handle what I felt, but having my father next to me wasn’t at all what I expected. Memories of my childhood came back, torturous and saddening.
I had hope once. I believed there was good despite the bad and found nothing but disappointment.
Dad sat next to me for a while, not saying a single word. Maybe he was just as nervous as I was, or maybe he just felt obligated to be there. Nonetheless, I cleared my throat and broke the silence.
“I didn’t think you’d show up.”
I heard him laugh, a humorless laugh that gave away his nerves, and finally, I turned around to see his troubled expression. His eyes were dim, in a way lifeless. The gray in his hair was a testament to the passage of time, and the wrinkling at the corners of his eyes was another reminder of every second lost.
“I wasn’t going to,” he admitted, scratching the back of his head. He looked worn out. Tired. I could tell life hadn’t been exactly easy on him in the time he’d been free.
I felt pity. Our lives would never be exactly “normal” again, but I was at least trying. He didn’t seem to be.
“She was a good woman.” He nodded toward the tombstone, a hint of regret in his gaze.
“She was.” I swallowed thickly, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. “Has that woman kicked you out yet?”
He scoffed, now scratching the scruff of his jaw. “No. Not yet, though I’m expecting it.” He groaned, running a hand over his face. He seemed more nervous than I had expected, especially given the circumstances. “I can’t find a job, and it’s been shitty, actually. And, uh, Rose…she doesn’t deserve it, so I’m thinking of leaving.”
“Rose…it’s been so many years and I never knew the name of the woman you always chose over your family,” I murmured.
His affair had always been well-known to me, and though I was sure Mom knew, she never paid attention to it. She never cared. But I knew Dad cared about his mistress, and he’d chosen her over me.
“Rose is her name, yeah. She’s, uh, she’s a good a woman.”
“But you said she’s leaving you because you don’t have money anymore and—”
“And that’s a lie,” he stopped me. I met his eyes, and ashamed, he glanced away quickly. “She’s not kicking me out, but if I don’t get it together, she will be gone soon.”
“I wish I could understand.” My heart shattered with every word I said. It was time for truth now, and I wasn’t about to stop. “You gave up on us, but you’re fighting for this woman. You’re fighting for her when you never, ever fought for your family.”
He shook his head. “It’s not like that, Hannah. I didn’t give up on you, I—”
“You stopped fighting for us, Dad!” My words were a slap to his face. His mouth snapped shut and his face reddened while I continued. “You think I don’t remember? I remember the arguments. I remember hiding in my room and covering Evie’s ears because she was still too little to understand. I remember fucking crying at nights when I’d hear you leave, always wondering whether you’d come back.”
I wiped away an angry tear, hating I couldn’t do away with the fucking pain the memories caused.
“Then you just let Mom do whatever she wanted with me. You allowed this to happen and never, ever stood up for me or Evelyn. You let this happen.”
“You knew your mother, Hannah. And I wanted to but—”
“There are no buts, Dad. You’re my father, and it was your duty to protect me, even it was from her. Even if it was from Mom. And you failed.”
With a solemn nod, my dad agreed.
“I was a terrible father. I wasn’t there for you, and you’re right, I should have done more for you. For Evelyn.” He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. “I tried to leave, Hannah. I tried to take you and Evelyn, but your mother…she had more power than you know. I couldn’t, so I stayed around, and yes, I was a coward. I’ll always be ashamed of it. But I’m trying to fix my shit now. I’m trying to not be the same person, but it’s fucking hard.”
I glanced over at him, to find his face between his hands and the way he hunched over. This wasn’t acting; my dad seemed completely distressed.
“Why don’t you come with me? To New York?” His eyes were wide and full of disbelief. This was jumping the gun a bit, and I wasn’t sure if I’d regret it, but he would be with me. I’d be able to help him, and I was sure Evie wouldn’t mind.
“What are you talking about, Hannah?”
“I can help you. I could be with you and offer you support. I could help you get a job with Nathan, or Evie could help, Dad.” I couldn’t contain the excitement bubbling in my chest, and I hated myself for it. I knew he would let me down, and yet I continued. “I could talk to Derek and you could get back on your feet and—”
“Derek? Derek who?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, running my hands through my hair. “What I am telling you is I can help you. This could be our second shot and—”
“I wish it were that easy,” he interrupted, smiling warmly at me. He covered my hand with both of his. “I have done a lot of things, Hannah, and honestly, I think you’re better off without me around. Look at the wonderful woman you’ve become, and that’s without me around. Evelyn is better off as well, and her little girl, she’s better off not knowing me.”
A mixture of anger and disappointment invaded me. Suddenly I wasn’t the grown-up, mature Hannah. I was back to being the neglected, sad little girl who wanted her parents with her. My heart broke for her, for the younger me who would never know what it would be like to be loved. For the little girl who would never get her birthday wish of having her parents together come true.
Angry, I stood up, moving my hand away from him. My dad was shocked but didn’t say a single word. Not that I expected him to. He was still the same coward as before.
“You’re giving up again,” I hissed, taking my purse in my hands. “I’m trying to help you, trying to give you a fucking chance to make things right once again, but you’re taking the easy way out.”
“Hannah—”
“Don’t.” I looked through my purse and took out the bit of money I’d brought for him. “This is all you’re getting from me, Dad. Don’t call me again, please. I really, really hope you don’t end up regretting this.”
I wasn’t strong enough to hear what he wanted to say. I’d been stupid to think there was any hope, but even worse, I was stupid to think we’d ever have a relationship. I wouldn’t allow him to see how much this hurt; he didn’t deserve my pain or heartache.
I turned around and without looking back left my dad once again, this time forever.
***
By the time I arrived at the hotel, it was cloudy outside. The heaviness in my chest increased with every step I took, but I kept it together while in the elevator. It moved so painfully slow, and once in the second floor, more people loaded it.
I couldn’t breathe.
I stepped out and opted for the stairs since, there, I’d be alone with my thoughts and no one would witness my potential breakdown. Once I made it to my floor, I nearly ran to my room, needing to let
go of the threads holding me together.
Finally, I arrived at my room. I closed the door behind me and squeezed my eyes shut while I rested my head against it. I wanted nothing more than that day to have never happened.
“I’m guessing it didn’t go as well as you expected.”
Startled, my eyes opened only to see Derek standing across the room with his arms across his chest.
What the hell?
“What are you doing here?” I asked, breathless and shocked.
Derek stepped forward until he was in front of me. He placed his hands on my arms, caressing them gently as his stare bore into my own.
“I asked Lisa where you’d be staying,” he explained. “I figured you needed Evie to be here, but since she couldn’t, I followed. Are you okay?”
Lying wasn’t an option. I couldn’t pretend to be okay, not with him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his neck. “No, but it’s better now that you’re here.”
“I’m here,” he whispered, holding me tight against his chest. “Whatever you need, Hannah…I’m always here.”
Chapter 30
Derek
I knew she wasn’t okay. She couldn’t hide it no matter how hard she tried. But I was going to get her out of the darkness her mind had gone into.
I’d opted to take her out to eat at a restaurant I knew in Philadelphia. She didn’t want to go at first, and though I understood, I also knew she hadn’t eaten much at all and was starting to get worried about her. She wore a simple white dress that brought out her figure and her hair was down. She looked beautiful, but I knew she didn’t feel it.
I took her hand in mine, kissing the back of it while I drove. I wanted to numb her pain, take it away, but I couldn’t, not when she didn’t talk about it. Hannah was the type of person that didn’t handle pressure well. She’d shut down, not dealing with whatever bothered her.
“We’re here,” I said when we pulled up to the restaurant. It was one of the nicest ones in the city, but that wasn’t the reason I’d brought her here. I wanted to show her just as she’d opened up to me, I’d do the same.
The place hadn’t changed at all. Its elegant structure made it one of the most admired building in the state. It was often visited, not only because of the food, but also the music played nightly.
Once inside the restaurant, we took a seat at our table, listening to the soothing music surrounding us. I didn’t miss the way her gaze traveled to the pianist or the way her lips tilted up as she watched him. A young woman sang, making the atmosphere that much more relaxing. Couples danced in the center, but all her focus was on the white piano. I asked for a glass of wine for her and water for myself while she watched intently with her face in her hands.
She looked beautiful.
The music ended, and she clapped with a smile on her face. However, when she realized the pianist was standing up, she frowned, clearly not liking that there wasn’t going to be music anymore. Knowing what I needed to do then, I stood up, surprising her.
“I’ll be right back, baby.”
She nodded, her gaze going back to the piano. I walked away, just far enough so she couldn’t see me, and waited.
I sighed, watching how she took a sip of her wine and her feet tapped on the floor. She was anxious and nervous, but I knew exactly what she wanted to do. And finally, she did it. Hannah pushed her chair back and stood, smoothing down her dress as she did so. She glanced around nervously, biting her lip, until she built up enough courage and took her first step in the direction of the piano.
The young woman who sang smiled at her and gestured toward the piano, letting her know it was okay if she wanted to play. Nervously, Hannah took a seat on the bench. She looked perfect, the most angelic sight I’d ever seen.
I almost thought she wasn’t going to do it. I almost thought she was going to cower away and avoid doing what she needed to do. Instead, however, Hannah lifted her fingers slowly, playing the first key. It was as if she was getting used to it all over again, as if she was terrified to find out this was still her passion. But then her fingers moved again, this time playing each key by memory.
She was a natural. Hannah played with her heart and soul; I could feel it. And when I recognized the song she was playing, I knew just how much this meant to her. The woman’s voice contrasted perfectly with each key Hannah played, and she swayed, singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”
My heart broke for her, because I knew this was her way of trying to heal her wounds. The people in the restaurant had no fucking clue they were witnessing her heartache. They had no clue the pain in each note. They had no clue the significance the song held to Hannah.
I could have watched her forever.
“She’s beautiful.”
The pianist stood next to me, smiling and looking over at Hannah.
“Thank you for doing this,” I said. “She needed it.”
“Of course.” He cleared his throat, looking around. “I was just surprised to hear from you. It’s been a while.”
Both of us were quiet while Hannah continued playing. A lone tear rolled down her cheek, and I saw her lip quiver, but she didn’t care. She appeared lost in the music, lost in the way it made her feel. Even the singer was trying to hold back her emotions; she knew the moment was beyond meaningful.
The tune was soft, warm. Her music carried itself through the now-quiet restaurant as they watched Hannah play. They were all in awe as I was, some of them with tears in their eyes. When her song stopped, it was so quiet, you could hear everyone breathing.
I clapped for her. Not because I wanted everyone else to do the same, but because I wanted her to know how fucking proud of her I was. Soon everyone else joined in, most of them standing to show their respect and appreciation. Hannah stood, wiping the tears from her face, and the woman who sang did the same, catching her by surprise and hugging her.
It wasn’t until a few seconds later that Hannah saw me among the crowd, and she rushed toward me, nearly jumping into my arms. She buried her face in my neck, and I heard a broken sob leave her lips. “Thank you, Derek.”
“Of course, baby,” I said, kissing her head. The pianist raised his eyebrows, but I ignored him, my only concern being Hannah. He could ask questions later. “Are you feeling better?”
She nodded, her words coming out muffled. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
She sniffled a couple of times before she pulled back and kissed me gently. I wiped away her tears, smiling down at her. Even her posture had changed. It seemed like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, like she could breathe a little easier.
“You two should come eat with us,” the young woman who had been singing said. I glanced up; she smiled sweetly with her arm interlocked with the man who had been playing the piano. He scratched the side of his face uncomfortably, but Hannah looked up at me with hopeful eyes.
“Yeah,” I sighed, holding her by the waist. “Yeah, that’s fine, if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, absolutely not.” The woman smiled. “You must be Derek, right?”
I nodded, extending my hand to her. “Derek Hensley, yes.”
“I’m Carina Moore.”
Hannah shifted awkwardly, also introducing herself. I sighed, clearing my throat before introducing the last person left.
The pianist extended his hand to Hannah, and she took it hesitantly. I braced myself for the impact his next words would have.
“It’s nice to meet the woman who’s got my brother smitten.” He grinned when he saw her shocked expression. “I’m Dylan Hensley.”
***
“So, Evelyn is in France?” Dylan asked, taking a sip of his water. I nodded, holding Hannah’s hand tightly.
I hadn’t seen him in over a year, and we rarely even talked. I wasn’t planning on speaking to him, much less being around him, but with Hannah’s situation, I figured there was no better time. She deserved to see her family wasn’t the only fucked-up one.
Not that Dylan was too fucked up. Out of the two of us, he was the normal one, though like our mother and me, he had his fair share of addictions until he met Carina. My older brother was head over heels over her, had turned his whole life around for her. I just hoped if the relationship didn’t work, he didn’t go back to the shit he was on.
“Have you been playing the piano long?” Dylan turned his attention to Hannah, wrapping his arm around Carina’s shoulders.
“I learned when I was a little girl but had to stop when I was a teenager,” she said, brushing her hair back. Ah, her mother. Like with so many other dreams, she’d stripped Hannah from this one as well. “This was the first time I played in years, to be honest.”
“Well, it was beautiful.” He smiled. “Does Evelyn play the piano?”
Hannah shook her head, laughing softly. “She never had the patience to learn, but she has a beautiful voice.”
Dylan smiled, looking back at me. “Like Mom?”
I hummed in agreement. “She’s a lot like her, yeah.”
“Do you have any pictures of her?”
Since I’d found out Evelyn existed, Dylan never asked me to see a picture of her, but for whatever reason, now there was a sadness he couldn’t hide. I took out my phone and scrolled through my messages to the picture she’d sent earlier that day in which she was with Carter and Lily. She was making a funny face because she could never be serious about anything, while Lily scrunched up her nose and Carter kissed her cheek. I handed the phone to him, and he raised his eyebrows, surprised.
“She’s exactly like Mom.”
I nodded. “Everything. The way she smiles…the face she makes when she’s angry.” I chuckled, pulling Hannah closer to me. I was fucking glad she was with me. “That’s Carter, the man who raised her, and the little girl is Lily, her daughter.”
He looked up at me. “I have a niece?”
“A very silly, cute, and loving little niece,” Hannah said softly. “She’s wonderful.”