by David Mamet
B: Are you killed?
A: No. (Pause.)
B: Are you badly injured?
A: I think so. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not, it's, well, to say you would, you would be crippled for life, on the one hand that seems harsh, you didn't throw the paper in the can. Eh? On the other hand, you are, so, you know, who ever—I'm talking about, you know in your why go separate them? You know you are wrong. You've done a wrong thing. Maybe . . . may . . . (Pause.) maybe . . . (Pause.)
B: You want to know there is a God.
A: The guy, the wrapper.
B: That's . . . that's . . .
A: Why would you . . .
B: You want to know there is a . . .
A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that, but why would you want to draw attention to him to yourself?
B: Behaving badly. (Pause.) You want to know there is a God, you miss the paper in the can, you don't go back. You're, um, you're guilty, guilty, right? You say: “The blah, blah, blah, I'm going to roast in Hell.” And yeah, yeah, so there is a God. “These assholes on the, they don't know how bad I am . . . God does . . . ” Why not to draw attention to your . . .
B: . . . yes . . .
A: By acting good . . . well, who knows what is good? We're assholes. (Pause.) I don't know . . . I don't know. I don't know anything. (Pause.) The fuckin house salad is no good; I'll tell you what I know: The, they call it “House salad,” it's no good; a fellow, and, you take out a cigar, the other guy hands you one of his own says “Here . . . ” alright? “Here, smoke a good cigar” . . . it is invariably a piece of shit . . . (Pause.) What else? The broad says “I never did this before” is lying to herself. Those are the three things that I know.
B: Does she believe it?
A: The broad?
B: Yes.
A: There's something else that I know but I forgot what it is.
B: The broad . . .
A: “Does she believe it?” Yes. I told you. Yes.
B: Is it true?
A: No.
VERMONT SKETCHES
Conversations with the Spirit World
Pint's a Pound the World Around
Dowsing
Deer Dogs
In the Mall
Maple Sugaring
Morris and Joe
Four of the Vermont Sketches, Conversations with the Spirit World, Pint's a Pound the World Around, Dowsing, and Deer Dogs, were first presented at The Ensemble Studio Theatre in New York as part of the Marathon 1984 Festival of One-Act Plays on May 24, 1984, with the following cast directed by Gregory Mosher:
Conversations with the Spirit World
Frank Hamilton
Colin Stinton
Pint's a Pound the World Around
W. H. Macy
Joe Ponazecki
Dowsing
Frank Hamilton
Joe Ponazecki
Deer Dogs
W. H. Macy
Colin Stinton
CONVERSATIONS WITH THE SPIRIT WORLD
Characters: Two men: Morris, James
Morris: Dowsing for the like the kid says, “What cha doin'?” Says, “I'm dowsing.” “What is that?” “I'm looking for this line . . . ” “Line is that?" . . . "Line I'm looking for . . . ” He points. “That purple line . . . ?”
James: No . . .
Morris: Yes, and by dajn if he didn't point it out.
James: He saw it . . . ?
Morris: Well, that's what I'm telling you . . . “What are you doing?” “Dowsing for a well . . . ” By God, I'm trine to get these silly sticks to work . . .
James: . . . uh-huh . . .
Morris: S'I find this line, I'm trying to feel the line and Clark can see . . . I'll tell you something else: Ivers.
James: Now who is that . . . ?
Morris: Say eighteen thirty . . . say eighteen, to eighteen forty-five, fifty, hired man up to Hayes place . . .
James: Uh-huh . . .
Morris:.. .he died, Clara said that he didn't go over.
James: . . . old Hayes farm . . .
Morris: The old Hayes farm. The hired man. Now: Annie, she was young, you know, we'd hear her talking . . .
James: . . . uh-huh . . .
Morris: . . . young folks do, a little kid, you know, a year old, she'd be talking . . .
James: She'd be talking to herself . . .
Morris: Uh-huh . . . one day, we're up there, Clara asks her who she's talking to. She says, “This man . . . ”
James: Uh-huh.
Morris: So she . . . now, I think, I think what Annie says is Clara asks her, “What's his name?” Annie says “Ivan,” something like that. Later it occurs to me, now where'd she get that from . . . ?
James: The Russians.
Morris: . . . What I thought. But even so, something she heard? Where would she hear that. I told . . . I remember this, I'm telling stories on my kids . . .
James: . . . uh-huh . . .
Morris: To Chunk, I think it was . . .
James: Chunk Kellog.
Morris: Yes. Said, “Where she gets it from . . . some man named Ivan" He said, “Ask her was it Ivan she said or Ivers.” Who he was, as I said, a hired man, a hundred years ago.
James: He die a violent death?
Morris: I don't know. What Chunk said . . . yes. Yes. I think he did. He, what Chunk said, he didn't want to go across . . .
James: Uh-huh . . .
Morris: And, to that time he habited the house.
James: Annie remember this?
Morris: Well, you don't know . . .
James: Uh-huh . . .
Morris: Whether she, what she saw, or the stories . . .
James: . . . uh-huh . . .
Morris: . . . you know . . .
James: Yes.
Morris: . . . that she remembers that we'd tell. And she described him.
James: What'd she say?
Morris: A man, you know, I don't remember . . . beard
James: . . . uh-huh . . .
Morris: A heavy shirt . . .
James: Mm. (Pause.)
Morris: Reason I thought of it, dowsing for water, and Clark says . . .
James: Well, they say ninety percent anyone can dowse . . .
Morris: . . . that's right . . .
James: . . . and a hundred percent all children.
Morris: That's right. (Pause.) That's right.
James: Jean saw something out on the hill.
Morris: What was that?
James: . . . the old sugar lane . . .
Morris: Uh-huh . . .
James: Dusk one day . . .
Morris: When was this?
James: Last fall.
Morris: Uh-huh.
James: She got me, I was in the bedroom, she comes in . . .
Morris: What was it . . . ?
James: She says, “A boy.” (Pause.) A boy?
“Out at the entrance to the lane."
“Now, who would that be . . . ?”
I could tell, it was something she saw. I said, “A deer" "No.” “Waal, you know, they put that white tail up . . . ”
Morris: . . . uh-huh . . .
James: She says, “No, No. It wasn't a deer” (Pause.) It was a boy.” She said she felt something, you know, like you do . . .
Morris: Mm . . .
James: . . . she looked around . . .
Morris: Where was she?
James: On the porch . . .
Morris: Mm.
James: There was a boy. He saw her, and he ran up the lane. (Pause.) Now: (Pause.) Where would he be coming from . . . ?
Morris: . . . I don't know.
James: Well, I don't know either. Nothing up there, and what would he be doing up there . . . ? (Pause.)
Morris: Now when was this?
James: Just at dusk. I said, “You see funny things in that light.” (Pause.) “Yes,” she says, “I saw this plain as day, though, and it was a boy. He saw me, and he ran away.”
Morris: Did she say what he w
as wearing?
James: No, and I'll tell you, I didn't want to press her. (Pause.)
Morris: Uh-huh.
James: . . . cause she was growing frightened. (Pause.)
Morris: She'd seen something.
James: Mm.
Morris: You know what it was?
James: No, I don't. (Pause.) No.
Morris: Mm.
James: I know there's places in the woods where I don't like to go . . .
Morris: Mm. (Pause.) There's places I don't like to go either. (Pause.)
James: You don't . . .
Morris: (Pause.) No. (Pause.)
James: Mm.
PINT'S A POUND THE WORLD AROUND
A: . . . don't have the twelve-inch. We have the ten-inch and the fourteen-inch.
B: Isn't that always the way?
A: Seems it is. A number two do?
B: No.
A: Alright. The guy should have been in Tuesday, I spect him Friday, if he don't come then . . . I'll tell you, I've been thinking of switching. ‘Merican United, I can get twenty percent over a year, you sign on to their Ownership Subscriber Plan, you get a basis of twenty percent, you want something it's there. The next day. Six days.
B: Where they out of?
A: Down in Manchester. Basis of twenty percent, they've got a newspaper, what do you call it, a flyer, the specials, they can go, sometimes they beat the Marketway sixty percent.
B: No.
A: Absolutely.
B: How's the quality?
A: Same, better. Most things better, much of . . . what they do. You know, they've got their brand . . .
B: Uh huh . . .
A: Good stuff. Heavy gauge stuff. Some of . . . you know their stuff . . .
B: . . . sure . . .
A: . . . same patterns eighteen ninety-eight . . .
B: When's that, when they got started?
A: When they got started. Yes. Fellow name of . . . I had the guy in here, I was looking at their stuff since I came in. You have to sign up, what you do, you buy stock in the company, the minimum buy-in thirty-two hundred dollars, you own stock, at the end of the year they go and prorate you the amount of your sales, and you're discounted based on that.
B: And what do you do with the discount?
A: What do you do?
B: What, do you apply it to your . . .
A: Well, I guess you do. I never thought of it. I suppose that you . . . or you could take it in cash. I had the guy here just the other day.
B: They want you to sign up.
A: The closest, Jims, in Brandenburgs American . . .
B: He is . . . ?
A: Oh yeah. You see his prices in there? Beat the Marketway fifteen percent easily. On everything. He has to . . .
B: They spend their money on advertising.
A: That's what I'm saying. It ain't going in the stock, in stock improvement . . . dealer relations . . . it's going in the television ads. Schiff, started eighteen ninety-eight. American United, the whole operation's built on one thing: the relation with the dealer.
B: Mm.
A: Stockholders are the dealer, customers the dealer. Everything. Geared toward one man. I pick up the phone, I say, “Where are the . . . whatever, he said that they'd be here on Thursday. Marketway, what do they care . . . ? No displays, very few incentives...like I'm buying retail from them. You complain to someone, their attitude, basically, I think, I don't think they do it on purpose, but what you get is: if you don't want the franchise, you can turn back. They don't care. What they think, they're doing you a favor, all the money they've spent on the TV ads. Some stores, maybe, though I doubt it. Not in here. A fella comes in here he wants three of those, four of those, something he broke on a job, he wants it this afternoon: I'm built on service. He goes down the road, he can go to the Star supply in Worth, he's in the habit to come here, I want to keep him here. Two things they told me: Never change your hours, never cut your stock.
B: Uh-huh.
A: A fellow comes by some hour you're spose to be open and you're closed, next time he thinks heavily fore he drives out of his way. “Maybe he's closed . . . ”
B: That's very true.
A: . . . it makes no difference it only happened one time. It's like adultery. I'm not foolin you. He thinks, “It happened once, it could happen again.”
B: Uh-huh.
A: Fellow comes in here something he needs on a job, he needs it this afternoon, I'm out of it, what does he think? "Shit, I could of drove the same distance to Star and had it, and probably cheaper . . . ” Something else: If I can get with the American I'm going to beat Marketway, I'm going to beat Star. I'm going to have them coming here from Worth . . .
B: You think?
A: There's no two ways about it. I'll have the variety, I'll have quality . . . . They marshal their franchises very careful. Forty-two miles to Brandenburgs, the closest they could have another is here. I've got no competition. I'll have them coming in from Worth, from Peacham . . .
B: And it's just the down payment . . .
A: What it is, yes, it's a down payment, it's an investment, you're actually buying stock. Whatever it is, I looked it up a week ago, a couple of weeks ago, seventeen dollars a share. What is that? Two into thirty-five, two shares for thirty-five, two hundred shares, thirty-five hundred dollars. Which you earn the dividend on, too, whatever that is . . .
B: On the stock.
A: Yes.
B: You should go with them.
A: I would. I would and I think I will. I think June and I have almost decided to go with them. It's a big step, but I think it's worth it. That's what I think. Many things. You have to look down the road. It's a big step now, it's a big investment, it's a commitment, in certain ways it would mean taking on more stock . . . .
B: Why is that?
A: Well, you have a basic order. Whatever your size is: the classification that they give you . . . on your footage . . . on your overhead . . . then when you order you have a minimum order that you have to file. (Pause.) You also have a minimum order per month . . . they come in and they do the inventory . . .
B: They do.
A: Yep. They do. At the end of the year . . . I think that that's a good idea. They come in, a team, ten people, something, calculators, they're out in an afternoon, they come in Sunday afternoon . . . whenever you're closed, they work through the night, they're out Monday morning. That's a good idea . . . .You ever do an inventory?
B: No.
A: Hell on Earth. I worked in a shoe store once. I thought I was going to go mad . . . . But it's a big step. (Pause.)
B: Mm.
A: (Pause.) It's a big step. (Pause.)
B: Well—
A: Yeaaah! Five of the Number three. Twelve-inch. I'm almost sure I'll have them Friday.
B: I'll be back.
A: I'm going to call him again today. I would say ninety percent. Ninety-five percent. I'll have them Friday. I'll tell you: If he doesn't come in, I'll pick them up, you stop in Saturday morning . . .
B: That's okay . . .
A: No. I should have ‘em. No trouble at all. You come in Friday, he hasn't stopped in, I'll have ‘em Saturday first thing.
B: That's alright.
A: No trouble at all. I'm sorry I don't have ‘em. I should. It doesn't help you to tell you that the man didn't come in.
B: Well, thank you.
A: That's alright. You take care, now.
B: You, too.
A: It's nice talking to you.
DOWSING
Two older men, in a Vermont country store.
A: Yessuh. Fella told me he said, “I don't want no more of them dowsers in here.” By garry, I said, he's got a thing or two to learn.
B: I guess . . .
A: I said to you, Jim, you're a Mason, I said you did some-thing I don't like, “I don't want no more Masons in here . . . ”
B: No. Mason's supposed t'believe in brotherhood.
A: Yes. But if I told you
something you did, I'se going to, you know, take it out on . . .
B: Yuh.
A: . . . on other Masons . . .
B: Well, I'd say that's foolish.
A: . . . What I'd say.
B: You say he didn't want the dowsers?
A: Dowsers were down to his place . . .
B: . . . uh-huh . . .
A: Some woman called, she wanted to know was her friend there, he says, “She's your friend, you should know if she's here.” She called the chamber of commerce, he gets the complaint, the fella calls him up he says, “By garry, keep ’em!” says he'll do without ‘em. Big mistake. One week of the year that they're here, he's booked, you know, they come to spend their money . . .
B: Uh-huh . . .
A: They don't care it cost twenty-five dollars, thirty-five, they don't care, they're, you know . . .
B: Um hmm . . .
A: Well, they're on vacation. Any business you meet some you'd rather not deal with. I think he's a fool.
B: Now: (Pause.) When you say “dowsin'” —is that the same dowsin’ that we use to do with a bent stick?
A: It is.
B: For water.
A: Well, they dowse for water, dowse for oil . . .
B: For oil . . . ?
A: For oil in the ground. Yessuh.
B: . . . that a fact . . .
A: It is. For . . . well, you know, they might, say, you know, if they wanted to lay out a field, what to put where . . .
B: . . . yuh . . .
A: . . . in what corner of the field . . .
B: Uh-huh . . .
A: They'd dowse for that.
B: And how'd they find it?
A: Little string, a weight on it, they dowse it, yes or no. (Pause.) Eh? They ask the question, string moves one way, then it's “yes.” The other way is “no.”
B: The way it rotates.
A: Yessir.
B: You know, I could never . . . fellas take that stick . . . you know, I took it, never did a thing, just laid there in my hand. Other man took it, twisted every which way . . .
A: I know.
B: Never did a thing for me.
A: Me, either. (Pause.)
B: And that is their convention. Is that the thing?