by David Mamet
Saleswoman: Not at all.
Customer: Because I want to look nice for tomorrow.
Saleswoman: Well, you will.
Customer (Nods): Yes. Thank you. (To self.) With this hat.
Saleswoman: Anything else?
Customer: No.
BUSINESSMEN
On an airplane.
Grey: . . . Yes yes. We had eaten there!
Black: How did you find it?
Grey: Well . . .
Black: What did you have?
Grey: We had the fish.
Black: We never had the fish.
Grey: It wasn't good. (Pause.)
Black: No?
Grey: No. Not at all.
Black: We never had the fish.
Grey: It was not good.
Black: No?
Grey: No. (Pause.) It could have been that night.
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey: I don't know. (Pause.)
Black: Well, we always enjoyed it greatly.
Grey: I'm sure. I am sure. No. (Pause.) The atmosphere was fine. The wine, the wine was good . . .
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey: The service . . .
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey: No. (Pause.) No, we should go back again.
Black: You should.
Grey: No. I think that we should.
Black: It probably was that night.
Grey: Yes. (Pause.) It very, very well could have been. (Pause.)
Black: What was it?
Grey: Sole.
Black: Mm. With sauce?
Grey: Yes. With some white wine sauce.
Black: Uh-huh . . .
Grey: You know, with a . . . yellow sauce.
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey: No, I'm sure that it was the fish. (Nods.) Fresh fish . . . (Shakes head.) You never know. (Pause.) No. When I was in the army we had one whole company down sick one week.
Black: From fish?
Grey: Uh-huh.
Black: Yes?
Grey: Fish soup.
Black: Uh-huh. I don't doubt it.
Grey: Sick as dogs.
Black: Where was this?
Grey: Fort Sheridan.
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey: Outside Chicago.
Black: Uh-huh. (Pause.)
Grey: Sick as dogs. (Pause.)
Black: And this was your company?
Grey: No. No, thank God.
Black: Uh-huh. (Pause.)
Grey: No. Got out of that one. (Pause.)
Black: Mmm. (Pause.)
Grey: I missed that one somehow.
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey: I think that that's about the only one I missed.
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey: You in the army?
Black: No.
Grey: Armed services?
Black: No. (Pause.)
Grey: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (Pause.) Yep. (Pause.) Used to go down into Chicago weekends.
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey: Raise all kind of hell down there.
Black: Down in Chicago.
Grey: Well, yeah. The base is just about an hour bus ride from town, eh? Fort Sheridan.
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey (Meditatively): Yep. (Pause.) There used to be this chili parlor on the, just across, just kitty-comer from the bus, on, on the corner . . . the corner of Clark and Lake Streets. Underneath the Elevated. (Pause.)
Black: Uh-huh.
Grey: Good chili. (Pause.) Good chili. (Pause.) Good coffee. (Pause.) My God that tasted good, out in the cold. (Pause.) In those cold winters. (Pause.) I can still taste it. We would sit, we would sit in the window, steamy. Smoking cigarettes. (Pause.) Looking out the window. Underneath the El. .. (Pause.) Steamy . . . (Pause.) Well, I'd better get some work done here. (Takes out pad and pencil.)
Black: Yes, I best had, too.
Grey: You going home?
Black: No, going to work. (Pause.) You?
Grey: Going home.
Black: Good for you.
COLD
A man, A, waiting for a subway; another man, B, comes down into the subway and looks up and down the track.
A: Everybody always looks both ways. Although they always know which way the train is coming from. Did you ever notice that?
B: Yes. I did. (Pause.)
A: You going home?
B: Yes. (Pause.)
A: I'm going home, too . . . Did you ever notice sometimes when it's cold you feel wet? (Pause.)
B: Yes. (Pause. A looks up.)
A (Of grating overhead): They make those things to let in air. (Pause.)
B: Uh-huh.
A: From outside. Listen: Listen . . . . (Pause.) Where are you going now?
B: Home.
A: Do you live near here?
B: No.
A: Where do you live? (Pause.)
B: Downtown.
A: Where?
B: Downtown.
A: Where, though? (Pause.)
B: In Soho.
A: Is it nice there?
B: Yes.
A (Pause): Is it warm?
B: Yes. (Pause.) Sometimes it's not so warm.
A: When wind gets in, right? When the wind gets in?
B: Right.
A: So what do you do then? (Pause.) What do you do then?
B: You . . . stop it up.
A: Uh-huh. (Pause.)
B: Or . . . you can put covers on the windows.
A: Covers.
B: Yes. Storm covers. (Pause.)
A: Storm covers.
B: To keep out the draft.
A: And does that keep the draft out?
B: Yes.
A: Have you been waiting long?
B: No. (Pause.)
A: How long? (Pause.)
B: Several minutes. (Pause.)
A: Are you going home now?
B: Yes. (Looks at sound of subway in the distance.)
A: That's the other track. (They watch the train passing.) Do you live alone?
B: No. (Pause.)
A: You live with someone?
B: Yes.
A: Are you happy? (Pause.)
B: Yes.
A: Are they there now?
B (Pause): I think so. (Pause.)
A: What are they called?
B: Hey, look, what business is it of yours what they're called. (Pause.) You understand? (Pause.)
EPILOGUE
Man: I love the way the sun goes down. One moment it is dark, the next, light.
A Sermon
A Sermon was written as a companion piece for a 1979 Chicago revival of Sexual Perversity in Chicago. It featured Cosmo White and, later, W. H. Macy, directed by Sheldon Patinkin.
Character: Clergyman
In September, 1939, a dentist in Viceroy, Louisiana, placed a human tooth into a jar of Coca-Cola and let it stand overnight. The next morning Hitler invaded Poland. A man has a deaf yak. The yak cannot hear. It grew up deaf. And this man speaks to it: “How are you today, King?” “Bow wow,” says the yak one day. Bow wow. And the next day the yak goes “moo.” (Pause.) The animal has no idea of its responsibilities. It knows that something is required of it; it knows that it should make a sound, but it has no idea what that sound is supposed to be. Life is like that. I feel. If it were not one thing, it would surely be another. It is, however, one thing. Though it is by no means the same thing. Although it's always something of that nature.
And kindness starts at home. You cannot beat your pets and come quick on your wife and pretend you forgot to take the garbage out and go be nice to whales. It's not right, it's transparent, and it makes you look bad, too.
Our most cherished illusions—what are they but hastily constructed cofferdams restraining homosexual panic.
Let's talk about love. (Pause.) Love. My golly, it sells diapers, don't it!
Love is the mucilage that sticks the tattered ribbons of experience—the stiff construction-paper Indians and pumpkins of experience—to the scrapbook of our lives.<
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And there may be many kinds of love:
Love may be the Rocky Coast of Maine, with boats and salt spray gooshing up and you all cozy in the rented cabin.
All the others have gone down. Gone down to Boston, gone back to New York. His hands are pressing into the small of your back. His breath is hot upon your shoulder. You have come to write and he has forced the lock. You've never seen this man, he followed you home from the pier. But do you care? You care very much. You whack him with the cover of your typewriter. Whack, whack, whack. Whack, whack, whack. Whack, whack, whack. You hit him on the head. And he gets off, he pulls his trousers up and leaves. (Pause.) You go back to work. You're typing. “September 18th. Today dawned bleak and sere and I was up to see it. Surely there must be an end to time . . . “
You look down to read back your sentence to yourself. What do you see but weak and colorless impressions. Your ribbon has run out. Oh well, that's a fair excuse to go up to the Lodge to share a cup of coffee with the Kind Old Woman who runs the resort.
You open the door. You breathe in the cold, life-giving spray. The Old Man from the Pier hits you on the head with an oar and he jumps on your bones. And this time he has brought his friends.
And what of Death? (Pause.) What of it? That's my question. All of us are going to die, but nobody believes it. And if we did believe it we would not go to the office. We would call in sick.
Everybody's talking about “Death.” Nobody's been there. Yes, yes, yes, there is a rash of testimony to the effect that Ms. So-and-So or Mr. Whossis once was dead for thirty seconds, or something, and it was just like going through a car wash.
You lay back and it is warm and wet outside. But you feel nothing. Whiirrrr, whiirrrr, and here comes the soap. And everything clouds over. Then you hear a hum. And that must be the brushes. Everything goes white, then black, then white again. You feel a buffeting. There is a wall of water/It cascades over the windshield, wetting all, and driving off the sludge, the salt, the road dirt and the soap. Until you're clean. You're clean.
Then comes the hot wax. Analogous in the experience of death to—what? (Pause.) Exactly. Hot wax coursing for a mere half-dollar more with ten bucks worth of gas. (Well worth it) making your car shine. Shine on. Shine on, my car. (Pause.)
Five youths dressed in coveralls drop upon you like ministering angels, rub your imperfections out and then move on. You'd better tip them, though, cause you'll be back this way again! There you go. Out into traffic. And how proud you feel. And why not? (Pause.) This is death. You've been there before, you say . . . well, you're going there again.
And sickness. Is it real?
And suffering? (Pause.) Are they real? (Pause.)
Yesterday a man was going to the supermarket. There he went. Upon some errand. His head full of news or gossip. Fiscal problems . . . (They are never really far away . . . ) He turned the corner and he trod upon the mat which would open the door, and he walked on. The door, however, some of you have already guessed, did not open. Not a jot. (Pause.) He slammed right into it and broke his nose.
His blood flowed. As many times may happen, attendant upon a sharper blow to that area—particularly such a blow to one unused to violent contact—he began to cry. (Pause.)
Many who had seen his accident were laughing at the picture that it made. And then we heard him cry. And then he turned, and then we saw the blood. (Pause.)
“I've broke my nose,” he rather oinked. “I've broke my nose, and you think it's funny.” (Pause.) He could not think of what to say; a phrase which might instill in us, the spectators who deigned to ridicule his pain, shame or remorse. His mind searched for a curse. (Pause.) "Fuck you,” he said. (Pause.) Fuck you.
What is required of us? To whom do we owe allegiance, and is this a laughing matter, or should we just mope around as if the dog died?
This is a good question, and in conclusion, let me say the following:
A traveler is in the desert. He has lost his way. He has no water. And he is near death. Far off he sees a mountain. In the distance. Far away. Ice encapsulates its top and flows in freshets down its sides, and becomes springs and rivers. Cool, fresh water, redolent of trout. Clean, unpolluted, there for all to drink, to bathe in, to enjoy. And he knows it is a mirage. (Pause.) There is no mountain there. There is hut desert. But he trudges on toward it in any case. (Pause.) Whom should we identify with in this story? (Pause.) How many thought the trout? It's not the trout. It's not the trout at all. We've all been down. We've all been at the end of our rope. We all know what it is to call on powers—and let's pray that they exist—far greater than ourselves; to call out, “Lord . . . Lord, this world of yours sucks hippo dick, I just can't hack it anymore.” And what answer was forthcoming? (Pause.) Exactly.
Therefore, let's smile. Let's slap a silly grin on our face that says to all the world, “Yes, I see what's going on, but I'm pretending not to notice. I see the misery . . . the pain . . . the hopes frustrated in our daily lives . . . the fear of loneliness . . . the fear of death . . . “ I'm going to skip to the end of this list “ . . . and through it all I smile, and I say, with the prophets: ‘Lo, this world has been the same a great long while. It all shall be the same a hundred years from now—probably sooner.”’ (Pause.)
And that's it.
Therefore be well. Peace to you. Be very kind to one another in your daily lives. And clean up when you're done.
Good evening, and Amen.
Shoeshine
Shoeshine was first produced at The Ensemble Studio Theatre in New York with the following cast directed by W. H. Macy: Everett Ensley, Arthur French, Pirie MacDonald, Joseph Jamroy, Colin Stinton, and Trey Hunt.
Scene: Sam's Shoeshine Parlor. Afternoon.
Characters
Sam, a middle-aged black man.
Jim, a young black man.
Miller and Fox, two middle-aged white men.
Dowd, a white man.
Customer, a white man.
Jim: You want me to do these?
Sam: They got a shine ticket on it?
Jim: I saw it .. .
Sam: You did . . . ?
Jim: Yeah. It must of gone down in the boot.
Sam: No, no. I'm saying that it has a ticket on it.
Jim: I know that it has. I got it. Here it is.
(Pause.) You want me to do ‘em?
Sam: Yeah. You start on ‘em.
Jim: Which ones here?
Sam: The brown there. Just like you're doing.
Jim: Alright. (Pause.)
Sam: And those ones there?
Jim: The red?
Sam: Yeah.
Jim: Uh-huh . . .
Sam: When you get to them you tell me.
Jim: Alright.
Sam: ‘Cause that bitch come in here yesterday . . .
Jim: Uh-huh.
Sam: She said we fucked them up.
Jim: We didn't fuck them up.
Sam: I know we didn't. (Pause.)
Jim: She fucked ‘em up her own self if she fucked ‘em up.
Sam: I know she did. (Pause.)
Jim: Uh-huh. (Pause.) You got a cigarette? (Sam takes out his pack of cigarettes. Jim comes over and takes two.) Thank you.
Sam: That's alright.
Jim: I went down Fifty-seven Street last night.
Sam: Uh-huh. And how was that?
Jim: Yeah. You know. Down on Fifty-eight Street there.
Sam: Uh-huh. You have a good time?
Jim: Yeah.
Sam: Uh-huh.
Jim: Yeah. I was glad to be there.
Sam: I bet that you were.
(Miller and Fox enter.)
Miller: They make me tired and after a point I can't say I blame them.
Sam: Yessir. You get up there.
Miller (Referring to Fox): Me and my man here both.
Fox: No. I don't need a shine.
Miller: Come on, now, let me get you.
Fox: No, I got shined up yesterday.
Sam: We g
onna get you now.
(Miller and Fox climb up on the shoeshine stand.)
Fox (Waving Sam off): I'm alright.
Sam (Starting on Miller): Yessuh! (Pause.)
Jim (Of shoes): Sucker dropped these in the mud . . .
(Miller sighs loudly.)
Fox: Uh-huh. (Pause.)
Miller: The whole thing.
Fox: Yeah.
Sam: You got some salt here.
Miller: Uh-huh. (Pause.)
Sam: You want me to take it off?
Miller: What do you use to get it off?
Sam: What? (Pause.)
Miller: What do you use to get the salt off?
Jim: . . . Down on Fifty-eight Street.
Sam: Don't you worry now. We get it off.
Miller (To Fox): You got’ em shined up yesterday.
Fox: Uh-huh. (Pause.)
Miller: Hmmm.
(Fox picks up a newspaper.)
Sam: Yessir. You take that paper. That's for you.
Jim: Want me to do these clear ones?
Sam: Yeah. You do them with the saddle soap.
Miller (To Fox of paper): What's in there?
Fox: Nothing. (Pause.)
Miller: You go down to Intercorp?
Fox: No.
Miller: John Reynolds saw you down there.
Fox: Well, I only stopped by.
Miller: Why?
Fox: You know.
Miller: No.
Fox: To talk to some people.
Miller: Uh-huh. Yeah. I wouldn't take it, you know.
Fox: No?
Miller: Uh-huh. They offered it to me.
Fox: I wish they'd offered it to me.
Miller: You'd be a fool to talk to them. I think you'd be a fool to go in there.
Fox: Come on, I only went down to say hello.
Jim: . . . The saddle soap.
Miller: And how is everyone down there?
Fox: Fine.
(Dowd enters.)
Sam (To Dowd): Yessuh. Did you forget something?
Dowd: I think I lost my wallet here.
Miller: I saw where Charlie Beeman's moved.
Fox: Where were you sitting?
Dowd: Up there.
(Miller and Fox search for the wallet. Pause.)
Fox: It isn't here.
Miller: How long ago’ d you . . .
Dowd: Just a minute . . .
Sam: Just before you came.