by J Wells
“Getting ahead of yourself, aren’t you?” Chuckling, I pull away, but in an instant he pulls me back.
“You’ve no idea, you really haven’t, just how good it is to be able to see you. Natasha, I’ve felt you tremble in my arms as I held you.”
His lips work their way across my cheek.
“I’ve tasted your every kiss, breathed in the fragrant perfume on your skin…”
I shrug my shoulders, forcing his lips down into the nape of my neck, then jerk my head away.
“You’ve got your sight back, but for what?” My eyes sting, but I can’t cry, not at my sister’s wedding; there’s a time and a place, and this isn’t it. “Look at me, Gabriel; look at the state of me.”
“What do you mean?” He smiles. “You’re the most beautiful woman in the room.”
“Have you missed Lilly, with her jet-black hair and curves most people would die for? Look at her, she’s standing by the DJ box.” But his eyes never leave me, “And Darcy, petite Darcy with her sweet pixie-like looks.” I point. “She’s over there, talking to Angela… Oh and then there’s her.” I roll my eyes. “Not forgetting Michelle, perfect Michelle. I guess if a guy wants his woman to be made out of plastic… Go on, Gabriel look, look at them all, then tell me I’m beautiful.”
He still gazes down into my eyes.
“Look, God damn you.”
“Why do I need to look at them when I’m standing with my arms around you?”
I push him away.
I toss my head, flicking the ends of my wig.
“Where’s my beautiful blonde hair now? And where are my bright eyes and flawless skin? Everything I am is an illusion… The real me is hidden under cleverly applied make-up and false eyelashes.”
He reaches forward and wipes away a tear, one I wasn’t able to blink away.
“Natasha, shut the fuck up and come here.”
I’m back in his arms and this time he’s not letting go. His lips press against mine and I protest for a moment, but then my lips open and I’m kissing him back. Just for those brief seconds I’m happy; he allows me to forget.
I end our kiss feeling the brush of people as they walk past. I wipe my red lipstick from Gabriel’s lips and then blush when I see the number of people standing round.
Danielle waltzes in, stopping briefly at the DJ box. She lifts the mic, tapping its head with her finger, then stands for a moment and addresses her guests, calling everyone in from the sitting room. I can hardly believe how quickly the library’s filling up with all these extra bodies, it’s like the heating’s been turned up. Suddenly feeling overly hot, I fan my face. I glance at the bookshelves that sweep around the walls, imagining how hot the books must feel in their embossed leather jackets.
Lost in thought, I’m brought back to the present by the wave of a hand. I wave back as Dad’s coppery hair appears and shortly after, Logan’s head. They’re between rooms, standing in the opening of the double doors. As Dad leans down to pick Logan up, Adrianna passes through holding a glass of wine.
Danielle bites into a flaking sausage roll.
“Before all the food’s eaten…” She smirks, wiping her mouth. “…and you’re all too drunk to stand, or should I say too drunk to listen to me, I’d like to take the opportunity to thank you for coming and sharing our special day.” With a widening smile, she raises her eyes towards Adrianna. “I never thought…” She pauses, clearing her throat. “…I’d have a partner who’d put up with me...”
“I’ll second that.” Adrianna giggles, slurping wine from her glass.
“Let alone a wife and son,” she continues, her gaze lifting to Logan.
Danielle raises her arm from her side and beckons. Adrianna steps forward and takes her hand.
“Joking aside, I’m speaking for us both when I say a special thank you to Angela and Hughie for arranging everything at such short notice. As a token of our gratitude we’ve got a little something for you, if you’d like to make your way over.”
With her hand above her brow, she scans the library.
I break into a smile as I see Angela making her way between guests. Danielle kisses her cheek, placing a vibrant hand-tied bouquet of roses into her arms. My smile moves to Adrianna, who I have to say looks exquisite dressed in my crushed taffeta gown. I take a deep breath; to think this was supposed to be my wedding venue. Josh crosses my mind, and I spot him not too far away. Michelle’s leaning against his chest, and his arms are linked around her shoulders. I watch the way she glances up at him, like she hasn’t a care in the world. My stomach churns. I only wish I could say the same, but then the world isn’t going to stop. It isn’t going to wait for one insignificant person. I bite down on my lip. When I’m gone life will carry on as it always has. I look at Josh all loved up; his world clearly has.
I lean back against Gabriel’s chest and peer up into his eyes. He’s here, and he’s mine for now, yet it’s only a matter of time before he will move on too, before there’ll be someone else to love him. He’ll be standing in some bar with his arms clasped around her as she laughs and whispers into his ear. I swallow hard. At least I won’t be around to see it. I press my fingers into his arm and he leans down towards me, his lips brushing the side of my face.
“Thank God this isn’t us getting married, eh?”
I see the way he looks at the happy couple as they present Darcy, Primrose and Lilly with their bouquets.
“I couldn’t be doing with any of this bullshit,” he whispers into my neck. “I think love without chains is far better, don’t you?”
I nod.
“Love you, Tash.”
Grinning, I cock my head to the side. “Say that again.”
“I love you.”
“No, stupid,” I laugh, nudging his side. “You called me Tash.”
“I didn’t.”
I almost trip as he stands up straight. He nudges me back.
“Any excuse not to tell me you love me.”
I glance into his watery-blue eyes, almost losing myself for a second. The moment between us is lost as Adrianna calls my name.
“Hello … sis!” she shouts over the mic at the top of her voice. “Fancy coming to collect your flowers?”
Stepping past Gabriel, I wink at Adrianna, who raises her eyebrows in acknowledgement. Danielle passes my bouquet to Adrianna, who passes it to me with the mic hidden inconspicuously beneath its cellophane wrapping.
“Where is it?” I whisper as she gives me a hug.
“DJ box,” she whispers back.
Having heard Danielle’s speech and having stood for the presentation of gifts, the guests are starting to wander back into the sitting room.
I place my bouquet at my feet and, as Danielle did earlier, tap the mic with my fingers.
“If I could just have your attention for a few minutes more.”
A few people keep chatting and walking away, but most turn back. Feeling their eyes on me, my legs are like jelly.
“I know I’m not the bride or anything, and I know you’re all getting hungry so I won’t keep you long…” I blurt out.
Gabriel is standing a few feet away, his arms folded, looking confused. I forget about everyone else and focus solely on him.
“As you know, I’m not overly good with words.”
He smirks, nodding in agreement.
“But that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.” I grin back. “You know sometimes pictures speak louder than words. So as for the words you’re waiting to hear, there won’t be any,” I joke.
I turn and take the frame from the DJ, then quickly conceal it against my chest.
“Gabriel…”
He stares at me across the library, but doesn’t move.
“This is for you. Do you want to come and get it? It’s kind of heavy,” I say, teetering on my heels.
He uncrosses his arms, and seemingly in no rush whatsoever makes his way towards me. As he draws up at my side, I flip the picture round to face him.
“
Mr Pooch!” His mouth drops open as I hand it over.
“Just a little something from me to you. You mentioned you haven’t got a photo, but fortunately I have, and I know how much you miss her.”
Holding the frame at arm’s-length, he stands staring while the DJ slips on another record and turns up the volume. Blinking several times, Gabriel runs his hand over his eyes.
“You have no idea how much this means to me.”
He smiles at Mr Pooch, then wedges the picture under his right arm, excuses himself and walks out into the hallway.
Danielle sidles up to me.
“Not quite the reaction you were hoping for?”
I shrug. “Guess not, but did you see his face?”
She shakes her head.
“Well I did, and he was upset.”
“Guys,” she titters, “they’re the biggest pussies going.”
“Better than being heartless…”
But it seems I’m talking to myself, as Adrianna grabs her by the elbow and drags her towards the hot food waiting in the sitting room.
I’m standing like a spare part, hoping more than anything that Gabriel won’t be too long. The DJ smiles over when I catch his eye. I don’t want to be that wallflower people feel sorry for and come over to chat to just for the sake of it. Taking tentative steps, I tag on to the line of people heading for the buffet.
I look towards the front of the queuing guests. Edna, the poor old soul, has managed to get caught in a conversation with Sylvia, who, by the way she’s standing, appears to be already half-cut. Edna’s nodding while helping herself to honey roast ham that’s been carved and laid out on a large silver platter. She smiles at Sylvia, then reaches further along the table and spoons on a rich mustard mayonnaise. I look past the ham, quiche and Dauphinoise potatoes, and see a large joint of beef accompanied by horseradish and watercress. It’s times like this when I really wish I had my appetite back, even if just for tonight. I smile inwardly. It seems Sylvia couldn’t give a damn about her appetite, seemingly more intent on finding the largest glass she can and scooping it into one of the crystal punch bowls. Edna’s shaking her head and pointing towards a silver ladle, while Sylvia carries on oblivious.
“I heard you’re stopping here over Christmas?”
Hearing a voice, I spin round.
“Michelle,” I choke, stiffening.
God, I hate that perfect, glossy magazine look. Michelle would be on one of those pages you’d like to rip out, screw into a ball and throw in the bin. To look at her you’d never believe she’s not long given birth as she stands in her tight-fitting lilac dress. I hate using the word immaculate, but she just is. She has the kind of hair that always seems to stay in place, and washed or not it manages to have a natural sheen. With my nose turned up, I look her up and down and from the expression on her face I gather she’s seen.
“So … Angela tells me you’re stopping here over Christmas?” she repeats with widening eyes.
“Yeah, she asked me earlier, so maybe. But, what’s it got to do with you?”
She frowns and takes a step away from me.
“Sorry, I assumed we were okay after you accepted my friend request on Facebook.”
“It’s been well over a year since you went off with Josh so I’m kinda over it now, but that doesn’t make us best buddies. Adding you as a friend was more a case of being civil. I knew I’d bump into you and didn’t want shit going off at Adrianna’s wedding. But to be honest, I didn’t think you’d have the gall to come up and speak to me. Now, if you’ll excuse me?”
I can’t help lifting my arm and pushing past her, though I flinch and jerk away when I feel her hand on my shoulder.
“I didn’t know, you know.”
I turn abruptly. “You didn’t know what?”
“About you and Josh.”
“Well, that’s for you to live with and have on your conscience.”
“No seriously, Tash, I didn’t. I didn’t steal Josh, I didn’t steal your life.”
“No, Michelle, that’s something I won’t give you the credit for. You didn’t steal my life, the cancer’s managed to do that.” I shrug. “What you managed to do was destroy any chance of happiness I could have had, even if it was only to be for a short time.”
I’m stopped in my tracks by the way she looks at me; her face doesn’t lie.
“Michelle, it really doesn’t matter now, it’s done, it’s gone … it’s too late.”
“It matters to me. This has nothing to do with Josh, I need to set the record straight for myself.”
I puff out a long breath. “Okay then, go on if you must…”
People weave between us as they try to reach over to help themselves to the main courses. Not wanting to be pushed and shoved, I make my way towards the end of the table and, without any prompting, Michelle follows. A couple of chairs have been pulled aside from a small discarded wooden table, and pushing my dress beneath me I sit down. Michelle stands behind the other chair, resting her hands on the back.
I lean my chin on the heel of my hand.
“Well go on, I’m all ears.”
“My intention was to go nowhere near Josh.”
I watch her fingers strum rhythmically on the back of the chair. She’s looking down, shaking her head.
“I’d already been warned by Lisa, a friend of mine, that he was bad news and had a reputation.”
“Bullshit, Josh never had a reputation,” I spit out. “Not until you,” I mutter, just loud enough to make sure she hears.
“I hate to tell you this, but he did, and everybody in the company knew it. Well, apart from his dad. Hughie is still in denial and blames me and my old man for you two splitting up.”
“Wait, stop for a second, you’re going too fast. Who’s Lisa?”
“I knew her from school; she’s the head of accounts. Josh and her…” She stops for a second. “They were in some kind of relationship; it was a good couple of years back when they slept together. I think Sam, your dad’s secretary, was his next conquest. She was lovely, but about ten years older than him; they only lasted a couple of months because she found out he’d met some girl down town on a Friday night, and the next thing I heard she’d handed in her notice.”
I knew he popped into his dad’s office most lunchtimes and was often late home from work, but my head’s literally spinning, I don’t know what to believe. I’ve known Josh for years; surely if he was some kind of womaniser or serial cheat I’d have realised.
She pulls the chair back and sits down, then leans forward and takes my hand in hers.
“You know what? It’s always the ones you least expect.”
I jerk my hand from hers.
“If that’s the case, why are you with him now?”
Her cheeks puff out. “To be honest, Tash, I nearly wasn’t. I thought he’d changed, I thought I was the one who had changed him … until the engagement party and you showing up.”
I can’t help but smile, thinking of the glass of champagne I threw in her face.
“Anyway, after everybody left I told him where to go, but he was on his knees begging me to forgive him, begging me to stay. I told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn’t going to happen, that he needed to speak to you. To be honest at the time I didn’t want him anywhere near me, I didn’t want him back, so I stood outside, rang for a taxi and within half an hour I’d left.”
I roll my eyes, thinking back. That must be when he came to the tree house to find me. I cross my arms tightly over my chest.
“He told me he’d sent you home.”
Her loose curls flick across her face as she shakes her head.
I sit forward. “So what happened after that?”
“My period, that’s what; it was late. There was no one else other than Josh, so although I hated to admit it, I knew he was the father. I rang him but didn’t tell him over the phone; we met a couple of nights later at a country pub for a drink. He was back to being typical Josh, said all the right things
, knew how to make me laugh, we fitted together so well… Obviously he talked me into keeping the baby and, to make things official, into marrying him.”
I’m gobsmacked; so much for him not wanting kids. My eyes narrow as I glance across at Michelle. Just not mine, I guess.
“So it looks like you’ve got the perfect life; Josh, your baby, plenty of money, a decent career.”
She brushes her hair out of her eyes.
“Everyone who knows us thinks so, but we’re anything but perfect. I loved going out to work, but when Savannah came along Josh insisted I stay at home and be a full-time mum. I hardly see him; he’s always late home, and when he does get back he spends most of the night on his phone or glued to the laptop.”
On one hand I feel like jumping out of my chair and blurting out that karma’s a bitch, but when I look into Michelle’s eyes I wonder if Josh has always been a philanderer.
“So if things are as bad as you say, why stay with him?”
Sniffing rather loudly, she sits up straight.
“Take no notice; I’m hormonal, and slightly paranoid.”
My eyes drop to her stomach. God, she’s never having another one, is she? But I don’t ask.
“I suppose I shouldn’t moan; we’ve got a great house, a pool and Jacuzzi, and in his own way Josh gives me a great life. It’s just…” She looks down into her lap. “It’s just me being paranoid…” Glancing back up, her eyes wander over my shoulder and beyond.
“Yeah, Savannah’s amazing,” she blurts out hurriedly. “She loves the water, loves going swimming.”
I frown. Where the hell did that come from? Now she’s looking above me.
“Ah, I was wondering where you’d got to.”
I turn my head and see Josh walking towards us, holding their little girl.
“Yeah, that’s our Savvy, a proper little water baby.”
He walks past me, holding Savannah out to Michelle.
“I only came to find you because they’re serving the desserts.”
With Savannah clasped against her chest, Michelle gets to her feet.