by Toni Aleo
Or so she kept repeating to herself.
“So yeah, I mean, don’t think I don’t want you, because I do, Kacey. So damn bad, but I think waiting is what’s best for us.”
“Not till, like, marriage though, right?” she asked as he turned onto Lacey’s street.
He chuckled. “No, gotta make sure we fit before we take that step, but I want to wait. Believe me, it’s hard and it honestly might kill me if I have to keep enduring you in those work-out shorts of yours, but I think this is what’s best for us.”
What about what she thought?
Before she could ask that though, he pulled into the driveway and looked over at her. “Also, while we are being honest, has anyone ever told you you cuss a lot?”
“No,” she said simply, unfazed by his statement. “Why? Do I?”
He smiled. “Kinda.”
“Oh,” she said then paused, eyeing him. “Is that a problem?”
He laughed and shrugged. “My parents don’t really like it, so maybe when they come into town, you can watch it a bit?”
She made a face and then shrugged. “Yeah, sure.”
“Don’t be mad.”
“I’m not, but I’m not going to fucking sugarcoat myself… Whoa, hold on,” she said, holding up her hand. “I’m tired and pissy—not at you, promise—and horny. So let’s put this convo on hold because I’m not sure how to control what will come out of my mouth.”
He eyed her skeptically and then nodded. “That’s fine with me. I’m sorry.”
“No, it isn’t your fault. Come here,” she said, taking him by his shirt and pulling him to her, smashing her mouth to his. As she kissed him, she prayed to feel something, and maybe she could, but she was mad. Usually when she was mad, she didn’t feel anything but rage, which meant she had to get out of that car now. Parting, she smiled a stupid fake smile as he pulled back, fixing his shirt, which bothered her.
He was always so put together.
And he didn’t like that she cussed.
Rolling her eyes, she reached for her overnight bag and opened the door.
“Do you want me to carry that in, baby?” he asked, but she shook her head.
“I’m good, thanks though. Thanks for driving and the wonderful weekend,” she said sweetly and he smiled.
“Anytime. Call me later?”
“Sure,” she answered, but as she slammed the door, she glared at the grass. “If you think I fucking cuss a lot, wait till you meet my daddy.”
Grumbling as she made it to the door, she used her key to open it, and as she entered, she hollered out, “It’s me, Lacey, don’t shoot.”
When the door slammed behind her, she heard, “I’d never shoot someone as gorgeous as you.”
His rough, naughty voice sent chills down her spine as her eyes locked with his dark-as-night gaze. Her heart jumped up in her throat as Jordie grinned back at her, running his hand shyly through his hair. As he licked his lips, desire shot straight to her gut and she wanted to scream in frustration at the same damn time.
Really? He was here. Really!
“Hey, sugar thighs. Long time, yeah?”
As her eyes burned into his, all she could think was, yeah, she cussed a lot. But Liam couldn’t even fathom was she was capable of.
But this asshole was about to find out how damn skilled Kasey King was in the art of cussing.
Red-hot rage burned through her as their eyes stayed locked. Lacey wasn’t kidding, Jordie did look like shit, but Kacey still thought he was every bit as gorgeous as he was when he was all cleaned up. There was something about that beard that got her every time, but he really needed to groom it. She had no clue what he had been doing or what he had been through, but he looked like it had been hellish. Instantly, she was even more pissed. Why couldn’t he have allowed her to be there for him? She would have. She’d follow him to the end of the earth. Anywhere. But he didn’t want her. He didn’t love her. He didn’t need her. She was nothing to him.
And she was ready to tell him what she thought about all of that.
Months of anger were about to spew all over him, and she prayed for the safety of the innocent bystanders.
“How dare you!” she hollered and his brows shot up.
“What? I said hi,” he said, feigning innocence, but there was nothing about Jordie that was innocent. His name and innocence didn’t even belong in the same sentence. What did belong was: Jordie Thomas was a heartbreaking fucking asshole!
“You know damn well that’s not what I’m speaking of! I haven’t heard from you, seen you in almost nine months, and you have the gall to fucking stand there, looking at me like I’m one of the boys, and say hi to me like I’m nothing? Like I didn’t mean anything to you. Like you didn’t throw me away for whatever slut of the month. Like you didn’t break my fucking heart!”
“That’s not how I said it,” he said, laying the knife he’d been chopping with down. “I welcomed you and, whoa, can we at least greet each other before you start accusing me of shit?”
“Accusing!” she screamed, and he grimaced a bit. “No! There is no accusing. You did it, and you also don’t get to fucking welcome me to my house.”
“Our house.”
“What!”
He smiled before waving in a very annoying way. “Hey, roomie.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You fucking asshole!”
“Whoa, calm down, Kacey,” Lacey said from the doorway, Mena Jane cradled in her arms, but Kacey’s gaze didn’t leave Jordie’s.
“No, I don’t have to calm down because this asshole used me like a pair of gloves and threw me in the Dumpster without even a reason why. All I did was admit I loved you, and I really did think you loved me back. But no, you completely shut me out. How dare you? After all we went through, after all we shared, after what I did for you. I mean, I was commuting from Minnesota to Colorado for you! So obviously I meant business. So please, Jordie, explain to me why I didn’t mean more to you?”
“I didn’t use you, Kacey,” he said softly, his eyes averting like the coward he was.
“Oh, really? So that’s why you answered my calls and my texts after I left your cabin on New Year’s?” When he didn’t answer, it only made her madder. “I was nothing to you. Just an easy fuck, and when shit got deep, you moved on to the next slut. Like you always do. Can’t stay with one person, because they’ll fuck you over like every man in the world fucks your mom.”
“Kacey Marie!” Lacey scolded, but Kacey rolled her eyes. Lacey didn’t know half the shit Jordie had done to her. The heartbreak he caused. When she looked over at him, his eyes met hers and she saw the pain and hurt in his eyes. But she refused to let that affect her. He broke her. She wouldn’t be sorry for saying the damn truth.
“No, you were more than that. And don’t use my mom to hurt me, that’s fucking low,” he said, cool as a cucumber to her, but she knew differently. His mom was a low-blow subject and she was wrong to use it, but she couldn’t hold it in. She was just so damn mad.
“Really? But it wasn’t low or rude that you didn’t answer my texts or calls?”
“I was scared, Kacey,” he said softly. “You scare the shit out of me.”
She only glared. What a fucking stupid thing to say. He didn’t say shit like that, because he wasn’t scared of anyone! He didn’t let anyone in to be scared of them, and she didn’t believe him for a second.
“Bullshit. Tell the truth, Jordie. You didn’t answer because I made you feel something more than what you were used to.”
“That’s the same damn thing, Kacey. That’s what I fucking meant,” he yelled back at her. But that couldn’t be true…
“Bullshit! You don’t mean that. You rejected me and made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything!” she yelled, her eyes clouding with tears. She wouldn’t let them fall though. No matter what, she wouldn’t. He didn’t deserve her tears. It enraged her that he walked in here, assuming they would be cool after all he did. He ruined her.
&
nbsp; Honestly broke her.
She knew she should have been smarter and not fallen as hard as she did, but she couldn’t control her heart. It did want what it wanted and she just followed it. For some reason, it always led to Jordie. Always.
“You’re right,” he said, his gaze burning into hers. “And there isn’t a day I don’t regret it.”
She didn’t expect that, but then again, that was Jordie. He was quick to say sorry but never owned up to his mistakes. If he meant any of what was coming from his lips, he wouldn’t have hurt her the way he did. He wouldn’t have let her walk away and ignored her for months. He would have been there for her like she had been for him when he was facedown, lying in his own puke, drunk. She was always there, cleaning up and believing that he would change. It was the injury, it had to be, that had had him so depressed. So she loved him extra hard, and yet, he still tossed her out on her ass.
Her lip started to wobble and she looked away, sucking in a deep breath. Looking back at him, her eyes in slits, she asked, “Really? Well, wanna know what I regret?”
His eyes didn’t stray, only stayed on hers as he said, “I’m sure I can guess.”
“Nope, it isn’t the regular, ‘I wish I’d never met you’ bullshit, because I don’t regret that. No matter how bad you hurt me, I loved you. But instead, it’s the ‘I wish we would have used condoms the whole time’ because, while you checked out on us, Jordie, I wasn’t allowed to. I hurt for you, over and over again, and then I found out I was pregnant.”
There was no sound once that last word left her lips. She could only hear her heart in her ears, beating ever so loudly as Jordie just stared at her. His mouth dropped open, his eyes widened, and he leaned against the kitchen island for support. He honestly looked as if she had hit him.
Lacey shrieked. “What!”
“Pregnant?” he gasped, his knuckles white from holding on to the counter so hard.
Lacey sputtered unintelligible things, coming toward her, but Kacey held up her hand, stopping her.
“But I lost our little bundle of joy three days after finding out,” she said, her chest rising and falling as her heart broke all over again.
And the tears started to fall.
When she’d found out she was pregnant two weeks after leaving Jordie’s cabin, she was elated and knew that he would be happy. He wanted a kid, and Lord knew she did. She was convinced that a baby would bring them together. That they could work stuff out. And she truly believed that, no matter how idiotic it made her sound. She knew that a baby shouldn’t force two people together, but maybe it was the push Jordie needed. Either way, she knew he’d be a good daddy. He loved kids.
But he’d never answered her calls for her to tell him.
No matter her pleas.
And then she’d started bleeding.
A part of her was grateful that it happened so early since it was all so new and she hadn’t already picked out names, put pillows under her shirt to see what she would look like, and stuff like that. She knew there were women who went full-term and lost their babies, but that didn’t mean her heart would ever be the same. Not only had she been rejected by the man she was convinced was her soul mate but she also lost their child. She felt like a failure on both counts and, honestly, she still didn’t know how she pulled it together to play in the Olympics. In a way, she was sure it was because she wasn’t even there half the time. Her heart, her soul, were with Jordie and their baby who had its own pair of wings, looking over both of them.
But only one of them cried over it.
Well, that is, until now. Because as the tears rolled down her cheeks, she sucked in a breath as Jordie’s eyes clouded with his own tears. It was quite a confusing thing to see. Jordie didn’t cry because Jordie felt nothing but the desire for sex and booze. Who was this man standing in front of her?
Clearing his throat, he looked down. For some reason, that made her indescribably mad because she felt she didn’t know this man. She had no clue who he was.
“Kacey—”
“No, no words,” she barked at him, her fiery gaze meeting his as she wiped away her traitorous tears. “Nothing you can say will fix how badly you fucked me over. I trusted you. I loved you, and you left me high and dry. No reasons, no anything. I was nothing to you.”
“If I had known—”
“You would have if you’d called me back, I know.”
“I thought you were calling to beg me to come back,” he said simply. “I couldn’t handle it.”
“Couldn’t handle it?” she growled as her eyes went to slits. “Really? What about what I could handle? You never cared one bit about how I felt or anything. Instead, you just ignored me, threw me to the side. Thanks, it’s fucking wonderful to know my worth to you. That it was all a fucking lie.”
“Kacey, I was fucked up—”
Glaring, she shook her head. “You’re always fucked up, Jordie. Fucked up is your middle name, but I loved you anyway. I believed in the man you could be.”
He looked away as Lacey took a step toward her, her hand lacing with Kacey’s. “Kace, just calm down and maybe take a breather.”
“No! You know what he did to me.”
“Yes, but he’s been—”
“Let it be, Lacey,” he said then, looking up, and Kacey was breathless. His eyes were full of tears, but they still hadn’t fallen as he held her gaze. “I fucked up, and Kacey, I’m so—”
“Oh, don’t you dare tell me you are sorry unless you mean it, Jordie Thomas!” she snapped.
He looked down at her and nodded. “I do mean it, sugar. I am.”
She’d thought that when he admitted it she would feel better, but all the rage was still eating her alive and she didn’t know how to handle it. A part of her wanted to swing at him, smash her fist into his nose. But the other part wanted to wrap her arms around his neck and beg him to tell her she meant more than just a fuck. One thing was for sure, that was not the apology she wanted or needed.
“That’s not enough,” she said, blinking away her tears. “You made me your sappy bitch while you fucked anything with tits, forgetting all about me. The tears I’ve fucking cried, the feeling of pure defeat… You have no clue what I’ve been through. And the shitty thing is, I still wanted you there. I wanted you to comfort me, to make it all better because I believed in you. You just didn’t believe in me, though.”
When he looked up, loss was in his eyes and his shoulders slumped as he worked his lip between his teeth. He really did look like shit and she should have felt bad, but she couldn’t forget all those months of crying. Being wrapped up in a ball as she bled out their child. The pain, the hurt, the rejection didn’t allow her to feel bad. She wanted him to feel what she did and then make it all better. It was a bipolar feeling, for sure, but she felt it.
“You’re right, Kacey, and I wish I would have been there. I wish I would have done right by you.”
“Me too,” she said simply. “But instead I’m left the fool.”
“No,” he said, his chest rising and falling as he shook his head. He then looked up at her, knocking the air completely out of her as a lone tear rolled down his beautiful face, getting lost in the curls that were his beard. With his eyes so intense and striking, he whispered, “I didn’t fool you, I failed you, and I’m so sorry, Kacey. So sorry.”
Before she could say anything, he left the kitchen. When his door slammed down the hall, she jumped, her heart sneaking up into her throat. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against Lacey’s shoulder and let out a long breath. No matter how hard she tried, or how she didn’t want them to, tears rushed down her cheeks, landing on Lacey.
Why didn’t she feel better? Why didn’t she feel like she’d gotten her closure? And most of all, why did she still love him? Why did she want to know the person who was standing in front of her more than she wanted to know what the rest of her life held? Why did looking into his eyes do nothing but make her fall all over again? The pain, she wanted to ease it. She
wanted him to love her, and she was fucking stupid for that. Because he may be sorry and he may think he’d failed her, but Jordie Thomas didn’t love her.
And that hurt most of all.
Jordie always lived by the saying, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you wish you were dead,” and at that moment, it had never rung truer.
Kacey’s eyes didn’t kill him, but he sure did want to be dead after everything she said.
A baby?
Fuck.
As he came barreling out of his room, his heart was thudding so loudly against his ribs, he was sure it was going to break them all. He welcomed the pain, he needed it; he needed to be reminded of the suffering and heartache he’d caused the woman he loved. How did he expect to get her back when he’d essentially ruined her?
He didn’t deserve her.
He didn’t deserve anyone.
Rushing through the living room, he noticed that Mena Jane was in her bassinet and almost stopped, but he knew he wouldn’t leave if he did. He had to get out of there. The walls were closing in on him, his heart hurt, and playing his guitar wasn’t helping at all. Nothing was. He wanted to find Kacey, try to apologize again, but like she said, it wasn’t enough. The thing was, he didn’t know what was enough for her. He had never cared enough to want to figure that out. Even at the moment, he didn’t want to know. He just wanted to stop hurting.
When he went to cut through the kitchen, Lacey’s voice stopped him. “Jordie, you need to tell her.”
He shook his head. “Later, and let me do it.”
“Okay.”
“I’m serious, Lacey. Don’t you tell her anything. I’ll do it when I’m ready.”
She didn’t agree, but he didn’t have to look at her to know she’d do what he asked. They’d grown closer over the weekend and he trusted her. When she cleared her throat, he closed his eyes, knowing what she was about to ask.
“Where are you going?
His hand was on the doorknob, he was ready to flee, but he knew he owed her an answer as to whether he’d be back. Still, he didn’t turn to look at her. He didn’t want her to see the tears in his eyes, the defeat and utter emptiness he felt. “Out.”