Overtime

by Toni Aleo

Jordie nodded. “I hadn’t even put two and two together. I just thought he really didn’t like the guy.”

  She shrugged, her heart kicking up in speed when she realized she was alone.

  With Jordie.

  Sucking in a breath, she looked over at him to find that he was watching her. “Well, come on. I need a drink to get through this.”

  He only nodded before going to the door and pulling it open for her. Going past him, she tried to ignore the thick coconut smell that came off him in waves, but that was like ignoring a wide-open net.

  She couldn’t.

  Standing as still as she could, she waited as he told the host how many people and then followed as he led them to their table. It was a booth in the back, only one table nearby, but it was empty, much like the rest of the place. As she slid into the booth, Jordie did the same across from her, picking up the menu as she threw her purse beside her.

  “What can I get you to drink?” the waitress asked and Kacey couldn’t order a mango margarita quick enough.

  She looked to Jordie and he smiled as he said, “A water, please.”

  Her brows drew together as her lips curved. Looking across the table at him, she scoffed. “A water.”

  He nodded as he laid the menu down, dunking a chip in the salsa before looking back at her. “Yup.”

  “Weird. I thought you’d get a Corona like you always do. Maybe you have changed,” she said offhandedly. She meant it as a joke to break the tension, but his eyes didn’t leave hers as he nodded.

  “Yeah, I have. I don’t drink anymore.”

  That was huge, and very surprising since Jordie was a big drinker. So to be sure she hadn’t heard him wrong, she asked, “Really?”

  “Yeah, I’m an alcoholic, Kacey. But I am a hundred and fifteen days sober now.”

  Her jaw dropped.

  Wait, no, that couldn’t be.

  But he wasn’t smiling. No, it wasn’t a joke.

  He was serious.

  Holy. Shit.

  “You’re serious?”

  Kacey watched him as he slowly nodded, lacing his fingers together as he leaned back in the booth. Stunned to silence, she could only stare at him wide-eyed as the waitress came back, setting their drinks down for them and asking if they were ready.

  “Can we have another few minutes, please?” Jordie asked, and she nodded before walking away.

  “Like, really? You know for sure?” she asked, but really, she’d always known he was. He really didn’t know how to stop when he started, and sometimes he drank for no reason. She was always too scared to say something because she knew it would give him a reason to blow up and break it off with her.

  “Yeah,” he nodded, his eyes cutting to her drink and then to her.

  “Does this bother you?” she asked, pointing to the drink.

  “Kinda, if I’m honest. But I’ll have to get used to people drinking around me sooner, rather than later. Sort of pisses me off that I want it, y’know? Thought I would be cured by now.”

  “It’s not an overnight thing,” she said softly, sympathy filling her chest.

  “Yeah, but I want it to be.”

  She could see the truth in his eyes, not to mention the way he was eyeing her drink. He was salivating for it, but he only glanced at it a few times. Who could blame him? It looked like a great margarita. One she wanted, but refused to drink with him across from her.

  “I really don’t know what to say,” she said before stopping the waitress. “I decided not to drink, I have to drive.”

  She nodded, but Kacey didn’t miss the annoyed look as she picked up her drink. “Water?”

  “Yes, please,” she answered before looking down at the table, sucking in a breath. “That was the last thing I thought you’d say. I’m a little shocked. But I’m glad; it was a problem.”

  “It was,” he agreed. “But I didn’t realize it until halfway through rehab.”

  She sat up straighter, her eyes widening. “So you actually went to rehab?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, for ninety days. Elli made me.”

  Kacey looked away, hating that he didn’t go for her. She knew he wouldn’t; she didn’t mean anything to him, apparently. But still, it hurt that he went because of Elli. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, since I already threw away everything that mattered because I was fucked in the head, all I had was hockey, and she threatened to take it from me.”

  Oh. Well, didn’t she feel like a jerk. She assumed Elli had talked him into it, not threatened him. “Oh, wow.”

  “She wasn’t playing. She had me in a group until a spot could open at the rehab ranch, but I was still drinking while going through the group, though.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I didn’t think I had a problem, because I thought it was stupid.”

  Just then the waitress came back and they gave their orders, but Kacey instantly forgot what she ordered. Looking at him, she waited for him to continue. She knew there was more, and she wasn’t sure if she could handle it. Those first days back, he’d looked so defeated, and while she’d assumed he was still fucking around and being him, he was actually fighting to be healthy. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t fucking around, that he had changed. She had to keep her wits about her. She couldn’t just jump across the table and cuddle him like she wanted.

  Not only for him, but for her.

  He looked across the table at her, catching her attention with those sullen brown eyes and shrugged. “I was wrong, obviously. Something I’m not proud to admit, but when you walked out that door back in Colorado, everything went to shit. Everything. I was drinking heavily, showing up to PT drunk, and then I went on this weekend in Louisiana that was a downright disaster. You’d think I’d learn from that, but I didn’t. I just drank and drank and drank.”

  “Louisiana? When you got hurt?” she asked, her heart in her throat. She hadn’t realized he had gotten so bad. And why the hell hadn’t he called or returned her phone calls? She would have helped him, been there for him, but he’d pushed her away.

  “Yeah,” he said, letting out a long breath and then slowly looking back up at her. “I went down there, met up with one of my old buddies. He had a party and I got shit-faced, high on some Molly that he had put in my drink without me knowing. And that was what Elli found out and used to send me to rehab.”

  “Oh my God,” she gasped, her jaw dropping. “But you don’t do drugs.”

  “You know that, I know that, even Elli knew that, but I put myself in a position to let it happen. Add in the fact that I was high, drunk, and fucking anyone who would have me, and the trip was not a success.”

  She looked away and shook her head. She shouldn’t have been surprised, but it still hurt to know he’d been fucking around when she couldn’t even dream of sleeping with anyone. She knew he had. It was Jordie; his sex drive was like a sixteen-year-old’s, but still, why wasn’t he as broken as she was?

  Because he didn’t love you! So what was he doing here?

  “I know—disgusting. But I want to be honest.”

  She looked up. “Well, it hurts ’cause while you were off fucking everything, I was borderline depressed, losing a child, and fighting for an Olympic medal—all while still loving you so much it hurt,” she said sharply, her throat thick. “So yeah, it sucks hearing you be honest.”

  He looked away first, pulling in a breath and letting it out. “Want me to lie and tell you that I left you because I didn’t want you?”

  She bit into her lip as she shook her head. “No, I want the truth.”

  “Good, ’cause I was gonna give it to you anyway,” he said, looking up at her. “I know it hurts—it hurts me rehashing it, but we can’t move forward without me fixing what I did.”

  Her brow raised. “You can fix it?”

  He shrugged. “I have no clue, but I want to try.”

  She looked away then, swallowing hard around the lump that was her heart in her throat. He wanted to try to fix what he had done, and Lor
d knew she wanted him to do it, but what would happen afterward? Before he could go on, their food came, but neither one touched it.

  Clearing his throat, he said, “I fell trying to get between two girls and hurt my knee, then I went to the hospital, where they shot me up with pain-killers. I hooked up with my doctor, who took me home, and I spent the rest of my time with her.”

  “Wow,” she muttered. “So while I was trying to get ahold of you, you moved on?” she snapped and he shook his head. She knew she was being difficult, but it was a hard pill to swallow. How could he have moved on? Why wasn’t she enough?

  “No, I used her.”

  Her eyes met his pleading ones. “Did it work?”

  He shook his head. “Not at all.”

  She should have been happy that it didn’t, but the pain in his eyes was gut-wrenching.

  “I went home, got drunk, popped pills, and drank some more. I’d go to sleep with a bottle in my hand, wake up the next morning, and kill it before brushing my teeth. It was a vicious cycle. I lied over and over again to Karson and Lacey, telling them I was fine, when really, I was two seconds from drinking myself to death. I think at one point I even prayed for death.”

  Everything just hurt for him; that wasn’t her Jordie. He loved life, or at least she thought he did. “Jordie,” she mumbled and he shrugged.

  “I had nothing to live for.”

  She shook her head. “You did. Yourself.”

  He nodded. “You’re right, but I forgot that along the way. The only thing I cared about was forgetting you because I was too stupid to hold on to what was good in my life.”

  Shocked, she leaned back in the booth and shook her head. Why hadn’t she seen how much he was hurting when she was with him? He was obviously using the drinking as a crutch, but she was having too much fun. When she realized she loved him, she freaked because she knew he wouldn’t love her. He couldn’t love her, and because of that, she didn’t look back. Then when he wouldn’t talk to her, she chalked it up to him being a dick, when really, he was hurting. Drowning in his own issues. But he wouldn’t let her in!

  “Why did you shut me out?” she asked, looking up at him. “Why didn’t you reach out for me? I would have been there for you.”

  “Because at the time, I thought I couldn’t give you what you wanted.”

  “Fine, but I would have been there as a friend.”

  “I can’t be your friend, Kacey. I just can’t.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because I feel too much for you, and it hurts to not have you be mine.”

  “That’s stupid,” she snapped, her heart pounding in her chest. “So instead, you just shut me out? Break my heart in the process and drink yourself stupid?”

  He nodded. “At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I mean, Kacey,” he paused, looking down and biting his lip. She watched him, this big, beautiful, burly man sitting across from her, and she could tell that he felt two feet tall. That it was taking everything out of him to sit there and admit all this to her. It was something she had never seen before because Jordie was a confident man. He was exuberant and full of life. Yeah, he drank—a lot—but it didn’t seem to have a hold on him. But when he’d snapped his leg in two, she could see that he was slowly submitting to the darkness. She should have said something, but the fear of his rejection had been too great.

  “I mean, you know my past. You know what happened with one of my mom’s husbands. You know that I didn’t know my dad, that I watched my mom beg for love from all these men, and that she never loved me the way she should have. It’s not an excuse, I promise you that’s not what I’m saying, but love seemed very unattainable to me. I didn’t know how to love.”

  “But you do now?” she asked skeptically, and she felt like a bitch. But this dude could honestly manipulate a cow into buying milk. He was smooth with his words. When he wanted something, he got it, and she refused to fall victim to his brand of heartache again. “You go to rehab and somehow decide you can love me?

  Holding her gaze, he licked his lips and leaned onto the table, coming a little closer to her. “Wanna know what made me realize I had a problem and that I wanted to change?”

  Feeling like he was giving her whiplash since that wasn’t what she’d expected him to say, she could only nod as his eyes bored into hers, the coconut scent from his beard intoxicating her.

  “Mena Jane,” he said fondly, his mouth turning up a bit. “Karson called and told me, and then Lacey sent me a picture of Mena and you. I just sat there staring at the picture, and I may have teared up a little bit because I had never seen such beauty in my life. One girl who stole my heart, and the other who owned it.”

  Her brows furrowed as she looked deep into his eyes. He smiled, his white teeth so bright against the dark hair on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I decided right then that I wanted to be the godfather and man that you two deserved. I wanted to come home healthy, and I wanted to change.”

  She was speechless, her heart pounding in her chest as he held her gaze.

  “I fucked up majorly with you, Kacey. I really did.”

  She nodded as she looked away, tears filling her eyes.

  “And I won’t make an excuse—it was me and my issues. But to answer your question, I found out who I was in rehab. I know him, I want to be him. And no, I don’t know how to love someone, but then sometimes I think maybe I do. Because when I look at Mena, I love her. So fucking much. I know I love your family, and I also know that I have thought of you every second of every day for the last nine months. I yearn for your touch, I wonder what you are doing, what you are thinking, and if you’ll ever have me again. So while I may not fully know how to love someone, I don’t want to try with anyone but you.”

  She looked up, a tear slowly sliding down her face as their eyes locked. Her mind tried to wrap itself around everything he was saying, and she still found herself trying to find little clues that he was trying to deceive her. But when he looked up, his eyes reiterated his honesty. That he was sorry. That he was telling the truth. He meant every word.

  But that still couldn’t make her forget.

  Wiping her hand across her face, she shook her head. “I would have been there for you. I would have held your hand. I would have loved you through it all, but you didn’t let me.”

  He nodded. “I know. I’m sorry, Kacey. Really, I am.”

  “So instead, I was left in the dark. And now you want me to just forget it all and trust you again? To allow you to love me and be the man I want? When before you didn’t want love and you pushed me away?”

  He leaned back, sucking in a breath. “That would be great, but I know it won’t happen. I know I have to prove it to you. That I have changed.”

  She shook her head. “No, I see that you’ve changed, Jordie, I do. And I see the remorse. I know you’re sorry, but I don’t know how to get over the fact that you didn’t want me or trust me to help you. Instead, you’ve fucked your way through the phone book and drunk yourself into a stupor.”

  “Kacey—”

  “No, let me finish,” she insisted and he snapped his mouth shut. “I am so proud of you for changing, for getting sober, and being honest,” she said, the tears falling quicker. “No one is as proud of you as I am, and no one loves you the way I do. I can promise you that. I’ve wanted this for you, I’ve begged for this for you. But Jordie, you didn’t want me to help you, and that hurts. You couldn’t even text me back and just let me know you were okay. You shut me out, and that pains me more now that I know the truth than it did thinking you were fucking around and I was just one of your many sluts.”

  “I didn’t tell anyone, Kacey. I held it all in and drowned myself until I got caught. And even then, I still tried to say I didn’t have a problem. I can’t change what I did. All I can do is say it won’t happen again and that I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” he said, and she could hear the desperation in his voice.

  Holding his gaze, she could barely see
him through her tear-flooded eyes. She knew he was sorry—that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that she not only felt rejected, she felt used. Closing her eyes, her tears leaked out as she said in a shaking voice, “What do you want from me, Jordie?”

  She opened her eyes, the tears streaming down her face, and all she could do was think what she was going to say when he said what she expected.

  “You. I want you,” he said sternly, like she knew he would, though what surprised her was that his eyes clouded with tears. But she had to stay strong.

  “That’s the thing you’ve always had—me. But you used me for sex and someone to keep you warm instead of loving me back the way I loved you.”

  “No, I didn’t, and I never intended for you to feel that way. I was fucked up, Kacey. I wasn’t someone even I could love. How could I expect you to love me? I’m—”

  “You’re sorry,” she said for him, and he nodded. “I know, and I’ve forgiven you, Jordie, I have. But it hurts and I need to process all this before I even try to decide to give you another chance. Because, with you, I don’t think, I act, and that’s how I get in trouble. That’s what leaves me heartbroken. I just don’t understand why you couldn’t trust me enough to help you.”

  “Because I was spinning out of control and I refused to take you with me, so I pushed you away. I didn’t know how to admit to you how fucked up I was. I was already a gimp, if I admitted that I was thinking of killing myself, how would you have handled it? I couldn’t expect—”

  “I would have loved you. I would have helped you, but you wouldn’t allow me to.”

  “Because I was too prideful, too scared of how you made me feel. And, instead of doing the right thing, I always do the wrong. I know that. What I’m asking for is another chance to do all the right things for you.”

  Shaking her head, she looked down, her tears staining her shirt as his words played over and over in her head. He was saying everything she wanted. Everything she had been praying for, but something told her to step back. She couldn’t just jump in and trust that he wouldn’t hurt her again. Too much had happened for her to be so careless. But how would she ever know? A relationship hardly ever played out the way someone hoped. Love wasn’t a Cinderella tale, it was hard and it hurt.