by C. Hoover
Asa takes his eyes off me and looks at Sloan. He laughs and stands up, scooping her against him. “People have to earn my trust,” he says, looking over her shoulder at me. “Sloan earned hers.”
She puts her hands against his chest and pushes against him, but he doesn’t release her. He sits back down and pulls her against him so that she’s standing between his legs with her back to his chest, facing me. He wraps his arms around her stomach and rests his chin on her shoulder, making eye contact with me again.
“I like you, Carter,” Asa says. “You’re all business.”
I force a half-smile, gripping the counter with all my strength as I try not to look in her eyes. I can’t handle the fear I see in them every time he has his hands on her.
“Speaking of business,” I say, “I’ll be back in a couple of hours. I’ve got a few things I need to do.” I straighten up and walk past Sloan and Asa toward the front door. When I do, she looks up at me with appreciation in her eyes.
Asa bends down and kisses her neck, then lifts a hand to her breast. She squeezes her eyes shut and grimaces, then turns away from me.
I keep walking and head for the front door, feeling completely helpless. I have to remind myself that I’m here for one reason and one reason only—and she isn’t it.
I text Dalton before I pull out of the driveway and tell him I’m going to the station to do a few write-ups. Instead, I just start driving, not having a clue as to where I’m going. I turn on the radio and try to rid the murderous thoughts I’m having of Asa, but all my other thoughts are of Sloan...and every thought I have of Sloan leads back to murderous thoughts of Asa.
I realize I have a duty. My duty is to complete the job I’m being paid to do...which is to bust the largest campus drug ring in collegiate history. The drug problem at the local university has multiplied tenfold in the past three years alone. Rumor has it that Asa is the sole reason for that. Asa and all the people in his circle, which is why Dalton and I are here—to identify the key players. Dalton and I are only a small part of this sting, but it’s the small parts that make up a huge whole, and every one of our roles is vital.
Asa is ruining countless lives and Sloan’s is just one of them. I can either focus on what I’m here to do and help take down everyone involved in his entire operation, which will in turn save lives...or I can save one girl from her abusive boyfriend.
Having to separate what I’m here to do and what I want to do makes this situation feel like General Patton’s theory, how sometimes it’s necessary to sacrifice the lives of the few for the good of the many.
It feels like I’m sacrificing Sloan’s life for the sake of all the others that Asa is ruining. And the thought of that kills me.
I find myself second-guessing whether or not I’m cut out for this profession for at least the third time in the last week.
After an hour of driving around, I decide to head back to Asa’s. Dalton stays there most of the time, but he told Asa I live on campus during a conversation they had a couple of months ago. Therefore, I had to actually get an apartment on campus in case Asa ever decides to run a check on me. I’m at Asa’s more often than not, though, because that’s where I’ll ultimately get most of the info. Well...from being around his “crew” and...possibly Sloan.
I know Dalton is right. I know I need to utilize Sloan for the advantage of the investigation, but that would mean she would have to remain in the situation she’s in. I’d much rather sneak her some cash and force her to run as far away from Asa as she can get.
When I close in on Asa’s street, I notice Sloan sitting at a park bench two blocks from their house. She’s seated alone with books laid out in front of her on a picnic table. I slow down the car and pull over to the side of the road. I scope out the area, ensuring she’s alone.
I sit in my car and watch her awhile, contemplating what I should do. If I were smarter, I would keep driving and refocus my attention where it needs to be. If I were smarter, I wouldn’t be shutting my car door, preparing myself to cross the street.
If I were smarter...
I’ve never seen Asa study a day in his life. I study every day, regardless of how crazy things get around me. Like right now, having to leave the house and walk to the park just for peace and quiet.
How in the hell does he have a 3.5 average GPA? I wouldn’t put it past him if he were paying off his professors.
“Hey.”
I grip my keys, complete with pepper spray, and slowly turn around. Carter is walking up behind me with his hands tucked inside the pockets of his jeans. His dark hair is unkempt and hangs down his forehead, swooping into his eyes.
He pauses a few feet from me, waiting for me to give him permission to approach. He isn’t smiling at me this time. At least he minds well.
“Hey,” I say flatly. I drop my keys back on the table. “Did Asa send you to summon me?”
He walks to the picnic table and swings his leg over the bench and straddles it. He’s facing me with his hands still in his pockets. I stare down at my textbooks and refuse to look at him. The mild crush I developed on him in class turned into what could have been a very serious shit storm after having lunch with him. I need to keep my distance, and looking at him makes me not want to keep my distance.
“I was just driving by. Saw you sitting here, thought I’d check on you.”
“I’m fine,” I say, returning my attention to the homework in front of me. I feel like maybe I should thank him for the heads up today. If he hadn’t called, there’s no telling how that situation would have turned out. But then again, he could have just been warning me to save his own ass.
But I know he wasn’t. I could hear the concern in his voice before I hung up the phone. He was scared for me. He was scared for me, just like I was scared for him.
“Are you?” he asks skeptically. “Are you really fine?”
I glance up at him. He can’t just leave things alone, can he?
I drop my pencil on the table and turn to face him. He’s always pushing for more truth. Always wanting to know what the hell I’m thinking. If this is what he wants, we might as well get it over with. I take a deep breath and prepare to answer all the questions he’s ever asked, and even ones he hasn’t gotten around to asking yet.
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m not great. I’m not terrible. I’m just fine. I’m fine because I have a roof over my head and a boyfriend who loves me, despite the fact that he makes bad choices. Do I wish he were a better person? Yes. If I had the means, would I leave him? Yes. Absolutely. Do I wish there wasn’t so much constantly going on at my house that I could actually find a quiet place to do homework, or heaven forbid, get some sleep? Hell yes. Do I wish I could graduate sooner and get out of this mess? Yes. Am I embarrassed by the way Asa treats me? Yes. Do I wish you weren’t a part of this? Yes. Do I wish you could be the guy I thought you were the first time I met you in class? Yes. Do I wish you could save me?”
I let out a short, defeated sigh and look down at my hands. “So much, Carter,” I whisper. “I wish you could save me from all this shit so, so much. But you can’t. I’m not in this life for myself. If I were, I would have left a long time ago.”
How could he save me from this life? He’s a part of this life. If I ran from Asa and into Carter’s arms, it would be the exact same lifestyle...just a different pair of arms. And Carter has no idea that the only reason I’m still in this situation isn’t even about me or what I used to feel for Asa.
I shake my head at this entire unfortunate situation we’re in and try to blink back tears. “I left him once,” I say to Carter. “In the beginning, when I found out how he was making his money. I didn’t have anywhere to go, but I left him because I knew I deserved better.” I pause, searching for the right words. When I look up at Carter the first thing I notice is the genuine concern in his eyes. It’s a strange feeling to trust someone you barely know more than the person you share your own bed with.
“I had two younger brothers growing up
. They were born when I was only two. Twins. My mother was an addict, so they were both born with complications. Drew died when he was ten. The other—Stephen—needs a lot of care. Care I can’t provide on my own if I want to build a good life for us. When he turned sixteen, he was finally approved for a group facility where he’d be able to live and have twenty-four-hour care. And I could go to college and make a better life for us. Things were great until a few weeks after I decided to break up with Asa. Stephen’s funding was pulled by the state and I had no place for us to live—no place to care for him. My only other option was paying the fee out of pocket, which is thousands of dollars a month. I couldn’t afford it, but the last thing I wanted was for him to be forced to move back in with my mother. It’s not safe for him there. When I realized the situation I had put us both in, I didn’t know where else to turn. And when Asa showed up, begging to take me back with promises of paying for Stephen’s care, I couldn’t say no. I moved back in with him. Now I’m forced to pretend that he’s enough for me. I pretend to turn a blind eye to the awful things he does. And in turn, he sends a check every month to pay for Stephen’s expenses. And that’s why I’m still there, Carter. Because I have no other choice.”
Carter stares at me, completely silent. For a moment I almost regret being so open with him. I’ve never told anyone that. As much as Asa doesn’t deserve me, I’m still ashamed that I’m only with him because he helps me. It’s embarrassing to admit the truth to someone.
Lunch with him today seems like it was a world away from right now. So much has happened between this morning and this moment. He looks different now. Not the playful Carter he was in class this morning. Not the apologetic Carter he was after our lunch today.
Right now he just looks...I don’t know...like a different person altogether. Almost as if he’s been pretending to be someone he’s not and this is the first time he’s looking at me with truth behind his eyes.
He glances away for a second and I see the slow roll of his throat as he swallows and then speaks. “I respect what you’re doing for your brother, Sloan,” he says. “But what good are you going to be to him if you end up dead? That house isn’t safe for you. Asa isn’t safe for you.”
I sigh and wipe away a rogue tear. “I do what I’m able to do, Carter. I can’t afford to worry about the what ifs.”
His eyes follow the tear down my cheek and then he lifts a hand to my face and wipes it away.
Of all the tears I’ve cried to Asa, he’s never once attempted to wipe them away.
“Come here,” Carter says, taking hold of my hand. He pulls me toward him as he scoots closer to me. I look down at his hand, holding on to mine, and I attempt to pull it back. He squeezes it and grabs my elbow with his other hand. “Come here,” he whispers soothingly, pulling me closer. He wraps his arms around me and guides my head to his shoulder. He squeezes me tightly, cradling my head with one of his hands. He presses his warm cheek against the top of my head and he holds me.
That’s all he does.
He doesn’t make excuses. He doesn’t lie and tell me everything will be okay, because we both know it won’t. He doesn’t make promises he won’t be able to keep like Asa does. He just holds me out of nothing more than a simple desire to bring me comfort—and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt this.
I scoot closer and relax against him, listening to the sound of his heart beating rapidly inside his chest. I close my eyes and try to imagine a time in my crazy, fucked up life that I’ve ever felt cared about, but I come up empty. I’ve been living on this earth for twenty years, and this is the first time I feel like someone actually gives a shit.
I clench his shirt in my fists and try again to scoot even closer to him, wanting to curl up inside of him and relish in this feeling forever. He lifts his cheek and lightly presses his lips against the top of my head.
We remain clasped together, holding on to each other as if the fate of the world depends on this embrace.
The thin layer of his shirt is damp from the tears that are pouring down my cheeks. I don’t even know why I’m crying. Maybe it’s because, until this moment, I had no idea what it felt like to be valued. What it felt like to be respected. Until this moment, I had no idea what it felt like to be cared for.
No one should have to experience a life never feeling truly cared for—not even by the parents who created them. Yet I’ve lived that for twenty years now.
Until this moment.
I close my eyes and continue to hold her while she quietly cries against my chest. I hold her until dusk turns into dark and what was left of the light is engulfed by a blanket of stars.
I hold her until I hear a car about to turn on the street. I glance up, but they turn and go in the opposite direction. She remains pressed against my shirt, but the thought of Asa or even Dalton seeing me with her right now is at the forefront of my mind.
I shouldn’t be here comforting her. It can only cause more problems for her.
Because she’s right. I can’t save her. As much as I want to, we’re both stuck. I can’t risk ruining something that is so much bigger than just the two of us. I can’t sacrifice what it is I’m here to do for the sake of helping her leave. That’s something she’ll have to do on her own and when she’s financially able.
And every moment I hold her, every time I grab her hand, every time I sit next to her in class, every time I put her in more and more of these harmless situations—I’m pushing her closer and closer to the edge of a cliff. If I don’t figure out how to back away from her...I’ll end up watching her fall.
I release my hold from around her and pull back, but she remains clutched to my shirt. I grab her hands and pull them away from me. She lifts her head and looks up at me, her eyes as red and swollen as I suddenly wish her lips were.
Stop thinking like this, Luke.
I stand up and she grabs at my shirt to pull me back, confusion rampant in her eyes.
“Let go,” I whisper.
Her hands fall to her lap and she breaks our stare. She pulls her feet up onto the bench and hugs her knees, crying into her arms. Walking away from her is about to take all the strength I have.
“You’re right, Sloan,” I say as I back away from her. “I can’t save you.”
I turn around and begin walking back to my car, each step harder than the last. I don’t turn around when I open the door. I climb inside the car and drive to her house without once looking back.
When I walk through the front door, I can tell by the state of the living room and the noise from the backyard that this is going to be a long night.
I make my way through the house and to the backyard. There are several people scattered around. No one even looks up when I walk outside. There are four girls in the pool putting on a spectacle. Two of them have the other two perched up on their shoulders and they’re trying to knock each other off into the water. Jon and Dalton are standing beside the pool, beers in hand, cheering for whomever they’ve bet on.
Asa is sitting at the side of the pool with his feet dangling in the water. He isn’t staring at the girls. He’s staring straight at me—eyes hard and suspicious. I nod in his direction, acting oblivious to the look in his eye.
Dalton sees me and says, “Carter!” He rushes around the pool, unsteady on his feet. He’s laughing the whole time, spilling half his beer. When he reaches me, he wraps his arm around me and leans in.
“Don’t worry, I’m not as fucked up as I look,” he says. “Did you get anything out of Sloan?”
I pull back and eye him. “How did you know I was with Sloan?”
He chuckles. “I didn’t. But good job,” he says, squeezing my shoulder. “You work fast. I think she knows more than we think she does.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think she knows shit,” I tell him. “Focusing on her will be a waste of our time.”
I glance over Dalton’s shoulder and see Asa staring at us. He pulls his feet out of the water and stands up.
“He’s
coming over here,” I say.
Dalton raises an eyebrow and then backs away, raising his beer in the air. He grins and spins around. “A hundred bucks says I can stay under water longer than any of you fucks!”
Jon immediately takes him up on the bet. They throw their beers aside and dive into the pool.
Asa walks toward me and then straight past me as he makes his way into the house, never once making eye contact with me.
I don’t know what unnerves me more. The fact that I’m suspicious of every move he makes or the fact that he seems suspicious of me.
It took me half an hour after Carter walked away to finally regain my composure enough to pack my things and walk back home. It’s been ten minutes since I reached the edge of my dark driveway. I’ve been staring at the pavement, following the winding path with my eyes. It would be so easy to keep walking. There’s nothing in that house I want. Nothing I even need. I could keep walking along the pavement until I’m too far to turn back.
I wish it were as easy as it sounds, but once again...it’s not just about me. And no one but me is going to be able to change any of this.
Carter can’t save me. Asa sure as hell isn’t going to save me. I just need to continue saving my money until I have enough to make it on my own and bring my brother with me.
I take a step onto the grass, toward the house, but I hesitate. It’s the last place I want to be right now. I want to be back at the park, back on the bench, back in Carter’s arms. I want that feeling again, but I’m ashamed to admit I want more than that, too. I want to know what it feels like to be kissed by someone who respects me.
Just having that thought makes me feel incredibly guilty. To my knowledge, Asa is faithful to me. He provides for me. He takes care of my brother financially...a responsibility that isn’t even his. He does this because he loves me and he knows I want to see my brother happy. I can’t discredit that. It’s more than anyone has ever done for me in my entire life.