by Kat T. Masen
His deep stare and bewitching smile only reiterate what I’m terrified of feeling. How could the man standing here in front of me, the father to my son, not be the person I’m supposed to fall in love with? Yet every time we fight, it somehow brings us closer together, and I fall into the trap of thinking I really am in love with him.
How can I be in love with Haden Cooper?
I want to pull away from him, create the distance my heart needs right now, but he moves his hands down my arms till they’re sitting on the base of my shirt. Without saying a word, he grips the hem of my shirt and motions for me to lift my arms. I have no idea what he’s doing, but in my tired state, I let him take my soaked shirt off. I stand there in only my bra as he wraps his arms back around me, kissing my shoulder. As much as I want to stay like this, Masen begins to squirm.
“I think he’s hungry. Why don’t you take your bra off and feed him? I promise I won’t look.”
I laugh softly. “Have you seen them? They’re impossible to hide.”
“How can I not notice them?” He smirks. “But seriously, our son is hungry. I can turn around.”
My bra is wet and uncomfortable and I know I need to release the milk. I ask him to turn around for a brief moment as I unclasp my bra. It’s a relief to take it off and I feel the pressure subside immediately. Making myself comfortable on the bed, I move to lay on my side and pull the sheets to cover part of my skin. I pull Masen closer to me and he latches on with ease, gently sucking away. Haden turns around and lays beside me on the bed. Stroking Masen’s hair, he hums a tune I don’t recognize.
“You’re doing a great job,” he whispers. “You’re a natural even though you don’t see it.”
“I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“No first-time mom does.”
“Yeah but first-time moms have husbands that help them.”
“I told you, I’m here.”
“You won’t be here forever. You’ll be doing the same thing with your wife soon.”
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
I keep my voice down so as not to wake up Masen. “You never want to address it, Haden. If you love her, then marry her. But these moments we have . . . they need to stop.”
“What if I don’t want them to stop?”
“You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Sometimes you’ve got to make decisions and deal with the consequences, whether it good or bad. I’m a realist. I stepped away from a relationship even though it wasn’t easy.”
“But you don’t think with your heart.”
“Of course I do. I loved Jason—”
“But you wanted more,” he interrupts. “Tell me, what is your heart telling you now?”
He is asking me a question I dare not answer truthfully, because if I do, there’s a huge possibility my heart will be exposed and shatter if he walks down that aisle . . . with her. But on the flipside, I’m sick of this emotional rollercoaster and walking on eggshells.
“It’s telling me that love is a constant battle. The man that steals my heart . . . I want him to fight for me. I want to be the only woman he thinks about, the only woman his heart beats for. I want to be the object of his desire, the body he worships every day. I want to feel like nothing in this world exists if he doesn’t feel all those things for me.”
Behind his glasses, his beautiful eyes are consumed by my words. I know he feels something, but how much? I have no idea. My fingers ache to reach out and caress his face, but I’m terrified. The tiny human lying between us is at stake. One wrong move and his life changes forever.
“You deserve all that . . . and a man who will give you that.”
On cue, my hearts sinks, confirming what I’ve known all along. He cares. Just not enough. And maybe these thoughts in my head need to stop. Just like my relationship with Jason. I pulled the plug when things weren’t as they should’ve been. If I did it once, I can do it again.
Masen’s gentle snores start as he falls asleep peacefully at my breast. Haden lifts him up slowly and pats him, prompting a loud burp before moving him to his crib and wrapping him tight. Lying here, semi-naked, I’m vulnerable both physically and emotionally. Haden removes his shoes and climbs back into the bed with me, this time moving under the sheets. My body appears flushed, and the way his eyes are laced with desire can only mean one thing.
Kitty is back and has her cheerleader outfit on. Give me an F . . . give me a U . . .
“Presley, I can’t hold this back anymore.”
His luscious lips have found their way to mine, and with his tight grip around my waist, it’s impossible to pull away . . . especially with my body betraying me. His tongue circles mine as we both moan into each other’s mouths.
Out of breath, I pull away for a brief moment. “Haden, we can’t.”
His lips have already moved to the base of my neck as he mumbles. “I need you.”
The rush he gives me shoots straight down below, and between my legs I’m soaking wet. I’m struggling to hold onto my morals as my physical side demands that he give me all of him. Just one more minute . . . then I’ll stop.
He knows I’ll stop him, and with a desperate rush he has made his way down to my breasts, licking circles around my nipples and causing my back to arch in pleasure. It’s difficult to keep my moans to a silent plea, and sensing my desperation, he moves his right hand towards my mouth and covers it with his palm.
“Just let me have a taste . . . just one taste . . .”
I don’t have to let him. He takes what he wants, and the moment he sucks on my nipples, an impending orgasm is on the verge of breaking loose. No . . . no . . .
“Haden . . . we have to stop!”
I manage to push him away just as the orgasm is about to hit, and Kitty throws a massive tantrum, kicking and screaming and demanding I finish.
Guiding his head back towards my face, I watch his eyes and the fire burning within them.
“We can’t do this. Not while you’re in a relationship. I’m not that person.”
His chest is pumping hard, and trying to catch his breath, he finally speaks. “I know it’s wrong. I just want you, Presley.”
“I want you too, Haden. But we can’t . . . not unless you end things with her.”
He pulls back. “Is that an ultimatum?”
“No,” I correct him. “It’s called having morals. I’m not a mistress, nor do I want to have an affair. I can’t deny what I feel for you, but I’m not the one engaged here.”
I see the turmoil in his expression and pull him closer one more time, for one last kiss.
“I should probably go,” he whispers, disappointed.
“You probably should.”
Reluctantly, he climbs out of the bed and slides his shoes back on. He adjusts his crotch and I ignore how hard he looks beneath the fabric. Why, oh why was I raised to be a good, moral woman?!
Walking towards the door, he stops and turns back to face me. “Give me time to sort out my life, Presley. I want you in it . . . I just need to fix the mess I created.”
Those are his final words, and for me, tonight, it’s exactly what I need to hear. A promise of a future.
That night, I dream of Haden Cooper. The man my heart and soul wants so desperately. That part about my heart being fragile . . . it’s too late. It belongs to him. It’s all his. All he needs to do is keep it safe, secure it up in bubble wrap, and ensure that it doesn’t shatter.
That should be easy, right?
Chapter Twenty-Four
The next day I get a surprise visit from Haden’s mom. Armed with a bag of wool and knitting needles, she insists I take a couple of hours off to do whatever the hell I want to do. At first, I’m reluctant. Masen is almost four weeks old and I haven’t been away from him at all.
“I understand you feel conflicted. The first time I left Haden with my mother-in-law, I was a blubbering mess. It didn’t help that she was the wicked witch of the west. God rest her soul.” She raises her head towards the ceiling and
makes the sign of the cross.
“How about I just go for an hour?”
“Whatever you’re comfortable with. If you need longer, please take longer. I just want to spend time with my grandson.”
I opt to feed him before heading out. It gives me the peace of mind I need, plus chatting with Mrs. Sadler keeps me entertained.
“Please, call me Liz.”
“Okay, Liz,” I hesitate, not sure why. “So, Haden tells me he has twin sisters. That must have been a handful.”
She continues to knit what appear to be booties, all the while managing to still hold a conversation. “The girls weren’t as much of a handful as Haden was. He was and still is strong-headed. Takes after his dad.”
“You’re telling me. I’ve met mules less stubborn than him.”
“He’s a good boy, it’s just . . .” she trails off for a moment before continuing. “His father’s death was hard on all of us, but it was Haden who took it the hardest.”
“Of course,” I mumble, “Boys need their dads.”
Looking down at Masen’s angelic face, I can’t imagine bestowing any pain on him. If I had my way, I would wrap him up in bubble wrap and protect him forever.
“Liz, I don’t know how you do it. The thought of my son going through any pain kills me.”
“Over time, you learn to let go, but only slightly. Haden shuts down and doesn’t allow anyone in. For a couple of years, I was a wreck, worried for his life. He was erratic and had no regard for his wellbeing. David kept telling me that he needed to grieve in his own way, as well as grow up. He was young when the accident occurred.”
My heart broke for Haden. It was too much for him to experience at such a young age, and so unfair that he was dealt that card. I loved my dad so much and couldn’t even begin to understand the grief of losing a parent.
“You know, Presley, you’ve done wonders for my son.”
“For Haden? You must be mistaken. It’s not like that between us,” I stammer nervously.
She places her knitting needles on her lap. When she smiles, she looks exactly like Haden.
“Liz, the both of us had a lot of growing to do to be able to co-parent Masen, and even then, it’s only been four weeks.”
“Sweetheart, you don’t see what I do. My son adores you.”
With my eyes fixated on Masen, I speak solemnly. “He’s marrying Eloise. Things between us are far too complicated. Whatever happens, happens.”
“You know,” she adds, “one thing I’ve learned about Haden is that he will never listen to anyone. Every decision he makes, he feels he has to own it, whether it be good or bad. Just be patient, Presley. Let him do what he needs to do, but in the end, I have faith that he will make the right decision.”
The decision he made to marry Eloise still baffles me. But just like Liz said, he owns his decisions, good or bad. When he was in London we were practically strangers—if you ignore our midnight rendezvous. I didn’t know where his head was at or what his intentions were. Now, he seems completely different. He’s been matured by the birth of his son, and deep down inside I know he is a good man. Everything Liz said he was.
Our conversation leaves me with a lot to think about, so with a settled Masen, I grab my purse and kiss him goodbye. The second the door closes behind me, I burst into tears, overwhelmed by leaving him behind.
There were so many moments over the past four weeks when I just wanted a break, and now that I’ve finally got some time alone, I’m a blubbering mess. All I want to do is open that door, pull on my sweats, and never leave him again.
Reality check. I have to do this eventually, so I make my way out of the apartment and promise myself I’ll be back in exactly an hour.
It turns out that I enjoy my freedom way more than I should. I stop at a local café and devour a meal in peace and quiet, followed by a trip to the salon. In the space of two hours, my regular stylist, Chantelle, works magic on my hair and eyebrows. She even manages to get Kitty back to normal. By the time she’s finished, I feel like my old self again. My hair is trimmed, and because I’m in the mood for something different, she dyes it a honey-brown color. My body is hair-free and I can’t believe how such a simple thing could lift my spirits so much.
As Chantelle wraps up, I quickly grab my cell and send Haden a text.
Me: Thank you for sending your mommy over. I’m feeling much better and nicely trimmed.
The chime of my cell goes off before I even have a chance to place it back in my purse.
#Jerk: Poodle got a trim? Dare I ask where?
Laughing out loud at his text, I hand my credit card over to Chantelle and finalize my bill. After saying goodbye, I stroll leisurely back home and respond to his text.
Me: Mind out of gutter Jerk! My fro . . .
Me: On my head!
It’s in our best interest to not mention Kitty’s makeover. That, and I’m still trying to get used to being bare. I wait for what feels like forever until my cell chimes yet again.
#Jerk: Always playing hard to get. Can’t wait to see the trimmed poodle tonight.
Every night that week, Haden comes over after work. This time, however, it’s different between us. He stays for hours on end and lies beside me, just talking. Both of us share stories of our past, laughing at random memories, from our childhoods to our awkward teenage moments. We share our dreams and our hopes for the future, and every night I learn a little bit more about Haden Cooper. Tonight is no different, and Haden finally begins to open up about his dad.
“The night we got that call, we were all sitting at the dinner table waiting for him.” He closes his eyes and continues to lie on his back, recalling the tragic memory. “I was angry at my parents that night. Especially Dad for not letting me go to baseball camp. Mom had made his favorite soup and I remember the skin on the soup forming over because it was cold. He didn’t have a cell phone back then so we just waited.”
I lace my fingers through his, ignoring his sweaty palms.
“The police knocked on the door and I watched my mom fall to the ground screaming. My sisters were really young at the time, so I told them to go to their room. I didn’t want them to see mom like that. It wasn’t the police that told me, but my mother. He had been driving home on a winding part of the road and another driver swerved to avoid hitting a drunk hitchhiker and hit Dad’s car head-on. The man driving lost his wife and young son in the accident.”
Haden takes a deep breath and opens his bloodshot eyes, turning to face me. “The man driving that other car was David.”
My mouth gapes open as the blood rushes from my face. “Mr. Sadler?”
He nods. “After the deaths and funerals, Mom and David became friends, having to both deal with similar grief. Romantically, nothing happened until years later, but it didn’t surprise me when it did. I wasn’t dealing well with anything and everything just went downhill from there.”
“You were fifteen, right?”
“Yes. Fifteen with a massive chip on my shoulder. The rest of high school I kept to myself, losing any interest in baseball or girls. Kids would tease and bully me but I ignored them. When college rolled around I was desperate to move, and David convinced Mom to allow me some freedom. I don’t know if it’s it what I needed. It was a time in my life where I experimented with everything I could to forget the pain and also when I got a taste for sex.” He chuckles lightly, unable to hide the wicked grin on his beautiful face.
I laugh along with him. College was the time everyone got a taste for sex. Yet somehow, through the generations, parents still allowed their kids to attend and move into frat houses.
“Remember this conversation when Masen asks to move across the country.”
He simply grins. “That seems so far away.”
Still holding hands, he continues to tell his story. “After college, I had no idea what to do with my life. I traveled a bit and got into extreme sports abroad. There is such an adrenaline rush when you jump off the highest bridge in the world
. I got really addicted to that feeling but after a couple of years, Mom and David had had enough. Plus, I ran out of money.”
“And then what?”
“I couldn’t hold down a job in the city. I was bored with the usual political shit until David offered me a position I couldn’t refuse. He wanted me to learn the ropes at Lantern Publishing so he could commence his five-year retirement exit.”
“You know,” I say, “it explains so much. Like why half the time you just didn’t give a shit about anything.”
His smirk widens and as he moves to his side, he runs his finger down my cheek. “Oh, I gave a shit alright. About you.”
“Whatever.” I laugh. “You never once paid attention to me unless you needed something.”
“The very first day I started, you were wearing a black dress with a white collared shirt under and these red pumps that I couldn’t stop jerking off over.”
“Haden!” I say in shock.
“True story. But then I overheard you rambling on about your wedding so I lost interest. I wanted to fuck you, not break up your engagement and have you wanting a commitment from me. So I occupied my time at work by playing the stock market. Actually, I got quite good at it and managed to make a fairly decent amount which I tucked away for a rainy day.”
“You’re so crass. I can’t believe you thought about me that way.”
“Well, the day that the office buzzed about your broken engagement, I was not going to let anyone get a hold of you. John and Mike were the first to express their interest in you.”
“John with the beer gut and Mike with the unconfirmed toupee?”
He shakes his head, laughing quietly, not wanting to wake Masen. “I shut them down, saying the reason you broke up with what’s-his-face was because you had baby fever.”
“You did not say that! They must think I lured you in like a cougar,” I say, half embarrassed.
“They can think whatever they want. I had my eyes set on making your life hell so you’d notice me . . . I just didn’t expect this.”