by Kat T. Masen
“I know, Jason. It’s just . . . I love him.”
I said it. The words that have taunted me for the longest time. It’s both a relief and a burden to finally say it out loud. My lip begins to tremble as Jason glances at me with a sympathetic smile. He wraps me in his arms for a final goodbye, and my body comfortably rests against his as I struggle to hold back the tears. This new, emotional Presley is getting on my nerves. I have never cried so much in my life as I have in the past year.
Cupping my face in his hands, he wipes the tears away with the tip of his thumb. “I’m always here, Pres. Even as a friend. No, I don’t want just that, but we’ve got too much history to let go of everything we had, including our friendship. You know where I am . . . I’m always here.”
And that’s the thing about Jason. Once he steps into your life, there is no turning back. He may not be the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, or the man my heart so desperately beats for, but he will forever be a friend I could count on. And good friends like him are hard to come by.
With Jason gone, I have no choice but to face the music, and with every step back towards my room, my anger intensifies. I walk in and Masen is sound asleep in his cot. Haden is still sitting on my bed, half dressed. He is fidgeting with his cell and the second he senses I’m in the room, his eyes lock into mine and glower back at me. With his lips pursed and his nostrils flaring, he throws his cell to the side, crossing his arms as he waits for me to talk.
“Get some clothes on,” I grit.
“Tell me why you went out with him!”
“None of your business! Now, will you just go?!”
Why didn’t Vicky warn me that he was here? My cell is inside my purse. I pull it out and see that the screen is covered in a dozen messages, all from Vicky. I don’t have time to read them now and I storm off into my closet to take my shoes off. He is in there so fast, blocking the entrance by resting his body against the archway.
“Did he touch you?”
“I don’t have to answer that . . .”
“DID HE TOUCH YOU?” Haden yells, slamming his fist against the architrave.
I swiftly turn around. “Yes. Yes he did. Get off your jealousy horse because I don’t belong to you! You’re full of shit, Haden. You don’t care about me or else you wouldn’t be marrying Eloise!”
“And everything I said meant nothing to you? I told you no one was to touch you but me.” He follows with a sinister laugh, shaking his head as he continues to block the exit. His body is exposed and it becomes an unnecessary distraction.
Kitty is not helping me out, gawking at his perfectly-toned physique with a jumbo-sized popcorn in hand.
From the corner of my eye I can see his knuckles are stark white from clenching his fist so tight. I have never seen him this enraged, and it scares me a little. But then I remember my conversation with Eloise yesterday and I quickly change back to infuriated and bitter Presley.
“See Malone, all along this is what I was afraid of. You’re running back to the love of your life . . .”
“I didn’t run, Haden. I was standing still. Waiting for you. You are the one that broke me!”
“You want to know why I proposed to Eloise?”
“Enlighten me, Haden.” I stand here, arms crossed, waiting for his pathetic excuse.
“Because I never felt good enough for you! I was never the man you wanted in your life. Eloise wanted me . . . but to you, I was nothing, and you went out of your way to constantly remind me of that. So, I’ll tell you what. You want to move to California with Jason? Then fucking do it! We were never going to work anyway.”
He moves away from the closet and back into the other room, grabbing his shirt. There are no slamming doors. No more sounds.
He is gone.
And I pushed him.
Or, maybe, he pushed himself.
It doesn’t matter because his words cut deep, and just like he said, we are never going to work anyway.
I grab my cell and make the call.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“What’s wrong? Isn’t it like midnight there?”
“Yes. I’ve decided to move to California. Is it still okay if I stay with you guys?”
“Of course,” Gemma says in a worried tone. “Pres, what happened? You sound . . . weird.”
She’s my sister. She knows me well. Nothing ever gets past Gemma. She’s seen me at my worst. I begin to sob into the phone, making no sense with my words.
“I can’t be around him anymore, Gem. It’s just too hard. I love him.”
“I know,” she soothes. “But he is Masen’s dad. He’s always going to be around. And you’re just figuring out now that you love him?”
“No, Gemma. I knew all along. I just kept denying the truth. He can still see Masen. I know a lot of parents that meet at a shopping center and someone else does the handover.”
“Is that what you really want?”
I know I’m not thinking straight. I’m hurt. And when you’re hurt, rational decisions are hard to make. Instead, you follow the broken path, praying that it will lead to some magical rainbow with unicorns galloping around it and baskets of cupcakes and chocolate.
“Yes. I’ll book the flights.”
My mind is made up. This time next week, I will be in California.
Chapter Twenty-Six
It’s funny how in life, we gravitate towards people that embody the phrase, ‘You only live once.’ Like when you’re watching some documentary on a reporter that travels the world to show you exotic places, or a well-known chef exploring different cuisines and opening up your mind to things you had only dreamt about. Curled up on the couch, I would always watch with such enjoyment, wishing that I had the guts, to just let loose and live life as if there were no tomorrow.
I thought I had lived a colorful life, having traveled to a few places outside the country, yet in reality, I played it safe. I love to be adventurous but always with caution. Yeah, so I’m that annoying person who will ask the attendant on any rollercoaster the stats on the seatbelts and when the ride was last checked for malfunctions. In the end, I always enjoy myself, wondering why I just don’t let loose and do these kind of things more often.
Years ago I created a bucket list. It grew and grew because there was always something preventing me from doing anything on that list. Looking back on it now, I’m partially to blame. I gave excuse after excuse and before I knew it, time had passed by at lightning speed.
And that’s the thing about time. If we could stop it, just for a moment, we would have enough time to experience all the things our hearts desire. I always imagine how different life could be if we could catalog our memories and experiences, and with just one click of a button, be transported in time to that memory. Like the first time a boy leans in and kisses your lips, or the moment when your parents buy you tickets to your first concert and you’re in the crowd holding up a sign for Bon Jovi to marry you. If only he read that sign.
Then there’s that moment when the man you love gets down on one knee and promises you a lifetime of memories that begin with the shining diamond that sits in that little velvet box. And in that moment, you’re sitting on cloud nine, about to embark on the most joyous journey with the man that wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
But out of all these moments, there is no greater moment than seeing the face of your child for the very first time. The first time they are placed in your arms and the world officially stops as you are introduced to this tiny human being that grew inside you for nine months.
These memories, all of them, are moments to be cherished.
Then there are moments that you wish you could fast-forward, place in a vault, and throw into the deepest end of the ocean.
This is me, now.
The way Haden ended things between us left me deeply depressed and made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. In my life, I had never before experienced all the emotions that I have had in the past forty-eigh
t hours. At first, I was livid. How dare he think or say the things he said! If he listened, just for a second, he would have been able to hear what I was trying to say and possibly understand my fears and trepidation. But the Jerk threw himself into another one of his immature tantrums, leaving me no choice but to let whatever it was between us go. I love Masen, more than life itself, and Haden marrying Eloise has already turned me into this bitter, toxic, ugly person who I never wanted to be.
I don’t want that person around my son.
And why?
Because I fucking love him, and it hurts like hell.
Knowing that someone you love doesn’t love you back is one of the most painful things in life. It tears you into pieces and you believe there is no way to recover. Your mind tells you that you must be damaged goods, because if that one person you loved couldn’t love you back, then no one else could possibly love you either.
The next journey on this painful ride is denial. After figuring out that he is indeed the biggest jerk to walk this planet, I refused to acknowledge that he exists. Yeah, it’s the good old sweep-it-under-the-rug scenario, which is what I should have done in the first place rather than fall in love with someone like him. He can kiss me where the sun don’t shine.
Oh, but if he did kiss me where the sun don’t shine, Kitty would be in Kitty heaven and I would be back on cloud nine, lying there and demanding so much more than some ass kissing.
Another thing. Don’t let your broken heart even THINK about the man you love (who doesn’t love you back) in any sexual way or form. That’s just a recipe for torture.
Kate, as always, proves to be a great distraction during what I call the ‘I wish the Jerk never existed’ phase.
“You don’t have to go,” she reminds me for the millionth time today.
I continue to pack my box of shoes, all the while wondering how I accumulated so much. Geez, I don’t want to throw the term ‘Shoe Whore’ around, but it’s difficult not to. Especially when I realize I have the same pair of pumps in three different colors. When did I really think I would wear the crimson pair?
“Los Angeles is great, don’t get me wrong, but aren’t you going to miss the city?”“
Closing the box, I pull the tape across the top and stick on a label marked, “Shoes—FRAGILE.” There, done.
“I’m done here. I miss my sister. The open spaces and sun will be a welcoming change. California has some great schools that Masen can attend,” I state, matter-of-factly.
“I can’t argue that. I’m from England, and anywhere there’s sun, I’m there faster than you can say the word sunburnt.”
I shake my head, giggling at her comment. Kate is awfully pale and I can only imagine what the California sun could do to her delicate skin. Nevertheless, she is gorgeous the way she is.
“You’re beautiful,” I add, smiling at her.
She places the tape aside and jumps up, almost knocking me down as we hug it out. For someone who has only been in my life for such a short time, she’s had a big impact. She is that person you can always rely on—no matter what. A selfless human being who genuinely cares for the people that surround her. I consider myself lucky to have met her and hope the distance won’t affect our friendship. But then again, why should it? A true friend doesn’t need to see you or talk to you every day. You know they’ll be there whenever you need them. Kate is and will forever be a person I consider a good friend.
“I’m going to miss you. I loved having you as a roomie. And lil’ Mase . . .” She trails off, letting go of me and picking him up from his crib. She’s visibly upset, having grown so fond of him during our short stay together. Kate isn’t one to cry, but her eyes begin to swell and I could swear I heard a slight sniffle.
“It’s only a plane ride away. And you yourself said you visit L.A. often,” I remind her softy.
“I know . . . just gotta get used to not seeing this little chubber every day.”
Smiling back at Kate, I watch as she gently sways Masen. It’s sad to go, but it’s all in Masen’s best interest. I constantly have to drum that into my stubborn head. It doesn’t matter what I want.
But that all soon falls apart.
The next night, I wake up sweating profusely, my lungs feeling like they have been punctured, not allowing me to breathe. Panicky and dripping in cold sweat, I clutch my chest, certain I’m having a heart attack.
I’m thirty-two. The likelihood of that happening is slim. The panic subsides and the reality of being alone in this big bed hits me like a ton of bricks.
I’m suffering from what they call a broken heart.
I have all the symptoms. The aching heart, the lack of appetite. No song can play in the background without causing me a complete meltdown.
On day four, it officially hits. Physically my heart is aching, and the stream of tears flows evenly, escalating in loud sobs. Not wanting to wake up Masen or Kate, I grab the pillow and shove it onto my face. The pain is unbearable. Several times I have contemplated calling and telling him to come over. I miss him so much, and the thought of being on the other side of the country has left me torn in my decision.
I miss his smell. That masculine scent that drives my senses wild. I miss the way his eyebrows do that thing every time his face breaks into a smile. But most of all, I miss the way he watches over Masen with unconditional love. The adoration in that one stare made me realize that no other man could love Masen as much as he does.
I am out of my mind, clearly not thinking straight.
Then I do that awful stalker thing. I check his Facebook and Twitter, but he hasn’t a posted a thing. Immediately afterward, I regret looking at pictures of him. How can one human being be so beautiful, yet tear every inch of your soul to pieces at the same time?
In the light of day, with the sun peering through my curtains, the world seems entirely different. My eyes were puffy and sore from my cry-fest. Last night feels like a big blur now, yet the pain still lingers. It only reminds me that there are many sleepless nights to come.
After all, this is only the beginning.
Liz is coming over later to take Masen out for a couple of hours so I can run some last minute errands. Since Masen is still fast asleep, I shower quickly and dress in my jeans with a grey knitted jumper. Makeup is mandatory; I have to cover up the bags under my eyes. My hair never cooperates, so I settle for running some product through it and leaving it down. All dressed and ready for the day, I change Masen and feed him, then finish packing his bag.
On cue, the doorbell rings and a happy Liz is waiting impatiently for her grandson.
“There he is!” She pulls him from my arms as I motion for her to come inside.
Liz is a very attractive woman. I’d peg her for being in her early fifties with her youthful skin yet classic style. She is wearing a long, natural-colored overcoat and black leather gloves. Pulling the gloves off, she rubs her hands, then picks up Masen from his rocker.
“Okay, so the stroller’s over there and his bag has enough milk for the day, spare clothes, and a ton of diapers.”
“Thanks honey.” She smiles. “We are going to have fun today. Daddy is going to take you to the zoo.”
“Daddy?” I almost choke at her words.
She stops smiling and moves her attention back to me, looking slightly nervous. “Yes. Haden took the week off work because of the hectic wedding schedule.”
I have two options; I can be the devil and take Masen away from him, or I can ignore the way my heart just fell to the ground when Liz mentioned the wedding and act okay with it.
“I better get going,” I mumble, kissing Masen on the top of his head.
“Presley.” She stops me, clutching my arm.
I reluctantly turn to face her, struggling to keep my emotions steady.
“Let fate run its course. In the end, it will all work out.”
Fate? Fate hasn’t stopped screwing with me since the moment I told Jason we needed to end things. I can’t rely on fate. I can’t
rely on anything. Call me a pessimist, a cynic, whatever the hell you want. If I wanted something to happen, I needed to do something about it. Right now, I just want to get out of here. I don’t want to think about the Jerk and his stupid wedding.
As soon as Liz is gone, I muster up every part of me to not shed one more tear. He has made his decision; I have made mine. Grabbing my purse, I head out, forcing myself to enjoy my child-free today.
***
“I’ll have the grilled salmon, baked potatoes with ranch dressing, and a salad on the side. You know what, throw in some nachos while you’re at it.”
I stare at my friend, amused. “Throw in some nachos while you’re at it? Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant, Vicky . . .”
She rolls her eyes at me while shoving a breadstick into her mouth. “No. You’d be proud of me. I haven’t touched Patrick whatsoever.”
“Wow. I am proud of you.”
“I’m happy to accept his lavish gifts while he pines so desperately for my kitty.”
“New wallet?”
“Yep.” Her mouth widens into a smile. “Chanel. Isn’t it a beauty?”
“Yes. But you realize he wants sex and you need sex?”
“Don’t worry about me. I bought this super-duper vibrator with all the bells and whistles. I’ve gone through a whole pack of batteries in a week!”
Vicky spends the next ten minutes reciting the stats of the vibrator. She wasn’t kidding when she said it had all the bells and whistles. It has five-star reviews, and we have a good laugh reading what other women had to say about it.
“At the rate I’m going . . . I may need to buy one, too.”
I take a sip of water as the waiter places the nachos in front of us. My weakness, and today, I ignore my attempt to get back in shape; I eat like it’s my last meal on Earth. The gym can wait . . . again.
“I saw the Jerk yesterday. He came into the office in the morning to grab his laptop.”
“That’s nice,” I say without any emotion.
“Well, what I saw wasn’t nice. He looked like a wreck, Pres. I mean, a scruffy-looking hairy man who probably hasn’t seen a mirror or a razor in a while. He rivaled Bigfoot.”