I take a minute to collect my thoughts as I shuffle through the memories. “Do you remember,” I laugh, “when your mom caught us kissing in the hallway of the clubhouse? It was my first kiss, yours too if memory serves, and we were embarrassed. I didn’t think I’d live past that day because Chief was ready to scalp me.” I clear my throat at the memory. “From that day forward, you were mine and I was yours. No other girl even hit my radar. We were so…fuck, what’s the word I want?” I hate sometimes that I’m not always good with my words. Not like she is. She always writes notes in cards she finds and buys for me, telling me little things. “Claree, you’ve been my best friend, my girl, my lover. Please wake up.”
Nothing.
I sigh knowing it’s ‘a marathon, not a sprint’ as the doctor told us later that first day when she made her rounds. I wanted to know how soon she’d wake up and she told us all that and then said it could be days or it could be weeks. The baby’s still holding on and while I haven’t examined that news closely yet, afraid to feel anything, I’m glad it’s holding on.
Speaking of baby, I haven’t told her yet, now may be a good time. I possibly could make her want to fight a little harder. “I have news,” I tell her, “we’re going to have a baby. You see, you have to fight to come back to me and Steel, because we have something to celebrate. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of when we conceived this little one,” I say, placing my hand on her still flat stomach. “The doctor says you’re a little over eight weeks. It has to have been the night we got caught up in the rain when we took that night ride. Do you remember? We had been fighting, as usual these days, and Mom took Steel for the night to give us some time. Instead of talking, we rode, and it started storming out of nowhere.” Still nothing, no twitching of hands, no movement whatsoever. “Anyways, I pulled over in that field and we ran under that big willow tree. We laughed, God, it had been so long since I heard that sound leave you, that it captured me, and made me want you so bad! Our mouths clashed, and I remembered at that moment, how much I loved you. I couldn’t keep my hands to myself. You couldn’t either. Ha! Remember how I ripped your shirt down the middle, anxious to get my mouth and hands on your bare skin? It was so hot that I had a hard time controlling myself. You tore my shirt over my head, and the second your mouth touched my pecs, I lost all train of thought and turned you, placing your hands on the tree trunk. I still don’t remember getting your jeans down your hips, or that first thrust where I filled you. I only remember how horny you made me that night, how much you made me feel again. Where did we lose that passion, baby? We need to get that back, I can’t imagine never feeling you again.”
Fuck, now I’m crying again. I feel like a punk-ass bitch, until I remember that I’ve seen each of my brothers become overly emotional when it comes to their women, at one time or another. Grabbing the memory book, I open it up and start to grin. She apparently printed out the pictures we took, and put them inside and there are notes about what she was thinking, and feeling. “Claree, I can’t believe you ever thought you weren’t perfect for me. Those small scars you’ve got, they mean nothing except that you survived your stepfather. Just like the stretch marks from Steel. I look at those and see you all swollen with him. I remember how horny you were all the time with him, too. Damn, I don’t think I slept more than two or three hours a night. You had to have me, and I was willing to let you.” I chuckle as another memory comes to mind. “Remember that one marathon day we had? We were both so sore, we were moaning while taking our shower together. I swore you took the first three layers of skin off my dick and you just knew that the inside of your pussy was nothing more than ground meat. Damn, baby, do you know how much it means that we learned all about sex from each other? Not in a creepy way, but more like two people who figured out what they liked by trial and error with each other, not with lots of other people. I like that. No, scratch that, I fucking love that it’s only been us with each other.”
I adjust myself while sitting there wondering how fucked in the head I am with my woman lying there, unconscious, as I recount past encounters that have me getting hard. “Fuck, remember how we got a subscription to that porn station? We wanted to see what the fuss was about. You turned it off about ten minutes into the first, and only movie we watched, saying that we could do better than that on our own. You were right, baby. And I’m sorry I’ve been so busy trying to get us ahead that I haven’t paid attention. You needed me, and I wasn’t there for you, you’ll never know how sorry I am about that. You need to wake up, Claree. The doctor said you were underweight again and I remember how sick you were with Steel. I can’t have that again. You’re more than everything to me, you’re my eternity.”
I’m about to say something when Dad knocks on the door and slightly opens it, asking, “Talon? Can you come out here, please?” I glance down at her before gently kissing her forehead.
“Be back in a few minutes, baby.” I step out of the door and remove my mask and protective wear. I’ll have to put new ones on once I go back into the room anyways. These are now considered ‘contaminated’ and I won’t be able to wear them again.
*
Claree
*
I can hear everything he’s saying to me, but my eyes won’t open, and I can’t respond, or answer him. I want to tell him how much I love him too and let him know he isn’t the only one at fault with the distance between us. It takes two, I should’ve fought harder to let him know that I was feeling left out, and unappreciated. I should’ve forced him to sit down and talk to me. He can’t take all the blame, it’s not fair to him. I need to wake up so I can reassure him that I’m here, and I hear everything he’s saying, and agree with him. We need to fight for us, for our future and for our children…as these thoughts pummel my mind, I fight to keep the darkness away, but in the end, the darkness wins and pulls me back under.
*
Talon
*
“DADDY!” Steel screams as I make my way out to the ICU waiting room. He launches himself at me, I catch him, pulling him close, and breathe in his little boy smell. Fuck, I’ve missed him so much! “I misseded you,” he says, patting my cheeks. “Tickles!” he says, when his fingers hit the unshaved spots on my face. I’ve got a beard but haven’t done any trimming since I’ve been here. Hell, who am I kidding, I didn’t shower until Dad showed up with a bag of stuff and shoved me into the bathroom in Claree’s room, saying I smelled like a goat who’s shit his pants.
“I’ve missed you too, little man,” I reply, kissing his head. He looks so much like the two of us, he’s the best parts of us both. “I’ve been thinking about you,” I inform him. “Have you been good for your grandparents?” I ask, knowing that he’s been shuffled around between our families.
“I’ve been sooo good,” he pulls out the so in exaggeration. “I even got some ice cream after dinner! Daddy, where’s Mommy?” he asks. “Grampy Chief says her is hurt. I need to kiss her boo-boos like she does to me.” I gulp at his words, because they cause such a wash of emotion I can’t speak.
“Mommy’s boo-boos are getting better, Steel,” I explain the best I can so his three-year old brain can decipher, “but the doctor won’t let you go see her yet. Maybe you can color her a picture?” I don’t tell him she’s unconscious, because he won’t understand, and it might scare him.
“Okay, Grammy Trin gots me new crayons!”
“We brought some food, we thought you’d like to see him and eat with us,” Mom interjects. “And for the record, he’s been calling her that, and me ‘Gigi’.” Yeah, right, knowing my mom, she probably coached him until he started calling her that.
“How much did you have to pay him to get him to call you what you wanted him to?” I ask, with my eyebrow raised.
“Still a smartass, I see,” she replies, giving me a grin but not answering. I shake my head because her antics are well-known. But, next to my birth mom, she’s one of the best women I know. Well, after Claree, that is.
�
�How’s she doing today?” Dad asks. I look and see that both Chief and Trinity have come in and realize they’re wanting an update. I nod my head toward Steel, unsure of how much to say.
“He won’t understand as long as you don’t say her name,” Mom says, noticing what I am asking.
“She started running a fever which is why I’m the only one allowed in. And I have to wear something that makes me look like a damn astronaut or something. Everything with, well, you know,” I say, referencing the baby, “is still good.” I don’t want to mention the baby around Steel because if something happens, he won’t understand it. I know we can’t protect him from everything, but right now, we’ll do the best we can.
“We had church today,” Chief states. I raise my eyebrow at him because we don’t talk club business around old ladies, even though most of them probably know what’s going on anyhow.
“And?” I prompt.
“We figured out that you’ve been working too fucking hard.”
“Trying to get ahead and I’ve told y’all that,” I exhaustedly reply, my anger rising up. I’m tired of explaining this to them.
“Yeah, well, Axe figured out that we never gave you a fucking raise at any of the jobs when you fully patched in. Thinking you won’t be working as hard any more since he had Cara get your retroactive pay and also your share of the profits from all the club businesses.”
I sit back stunned. It never dawned on me that something like that could’ve happened. “Cara’s taking the blame and so is Axe. She was tied up with all the shit with Layne and Landon when they had their tonsils out and totally dropped the ball. Plus, Trinity and I have been talking, and since Claree is our daughter, we’d like to help you out with her school expenses. We should’ve been doing that all along,” he informs me.
“She’s my old lady, so she’s my responsibility,” I angrily tell him.
“She may be yours now, but she was mine first. Don’t take that tone with me, I do what I want when it comes to my daughters. Trinity called the school and the rest of her graduation shit is paid. And since Cara has your bank information for direct deposit, we’ve given her the money to cover the tuition you’ve already paid.”
I sit back, stunned. My fucking family has done it again. “Are…are you sure?”
“Talon, we would have, should have, paid for her schooling,” Trinity says. “And I’m going to say what these grumpy ass bikers won’t. You’ve taken good care of our girl and she has of you. But, the four of us have talked, and think that when everything went down, we were still in that hard place, and weren’t thinking clearly with regard to her schooling. I’m sorry we made it so hard on y’all. We, all of us, feel partially responsible for where you two were at, when the accident happened.”
“Daddy, why is you crying?” Steel asks, looking at me. Crying? Me? Naw, gotta be allergies.
“Your daddy is happy,” Mom replies. “Sometimes, when we’re happy, we cry.”
“What?” he asks, “I don’t wanna be a growns up, I only cry when I’m hurt or don’t feels good,” he states.
“One more thing, Talon,” Dad says. “We also realized where you were wanting to build. Axe has deeded that land to y’all. Capone and Jaxson said, once she’s awake and stable, you two need to figure out what you envision, house-wise.”
In one short conversation, my family, and brothers have completely changed our lives. I have no words. I spend the next hour hanging out with my son, eating, drawing pictures for Claree, and just hearing about what he’s been up to while I’ve been up here. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed him while I’ve been concentrating on his mother. During this time I’ve spent with him, I come to notice just how much he’s grown and how much I’ve actually missed. I’ve really let my family down, even if I was trying to do right by them, I was actually harming our family.
8
Talon
The next morning, I’m sitting here watching Claree, waiting for a sign of life from her. The doctor came in last night and they started weaning her off of her meds that are keeping her in the coma. It’s now a waiting game, she needs to come around on her own, and I was informed it could be any minute now, or it could be days, just depending on how long it takes for her to recover.
“Claree, you should see the pictures that Steel drew for you. He’s been having a lot of fun with our parents, but he misses both of us. Please wake up, baby.” I stroke her hand and push her hair back, searching for any sign of movement. Still no signs of her coming around. “I’ve got so much to tell you. There won’t be any more nights of me not being home, or not being present with you and Steel in our life. They never adjusted my pay when I got patched in, and never added the additional monies for my shares for all the businesses. Axe figured it out, and Cara did the number stuff. I have no clue what that means, because I haven’t checked, but no more struggling. We won’t be living paycheck to paycheck any longer.”
*
Claree
*
I’m here, Talon. I can hear you, why can’t you tell? I don’t understand why my eyes won’t open. I want to see him and hold him. Hold them both. I begin to fight for my eyes to open, move my hand, anything to let him know that I hear what he’s saying. He sounds so sad, so depressed, that I want to make him feel better, and I know the only way that will happen is if I fight harder to wake up. Feel me, Talon, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, not when I feel I’ve just gotten you back.
*
Talon
*
“Do you still want our dream house to have two stories, with a wrap-around porch? I was thinking, too, that with you getting ready to graduate, we need a fancier kitchen so you can do stuff from home if you want, what do you think?” My mind has been whirling since I was given that news too, and I’ve sat next to her all night, wracking my brain for all the things she ever mentioned wanting ‘when we build our own house’ but I can’t think of things. I know we both want a huge-ass master suite. Just as I’m thinking these things I feel her hand twitch and jump up. “Claree, can you hear me? Wake up, baby girl, please fight, we need you,” I whisper through my tear-clogged throat. She squeezes my hand again, and I go over to the call button and press it.
“May I help you?” the voice on the other end asks.
“I think she’s waking up, can you get the doctor?”
“Someone will be with you shortly,” she states, cutting off our conversation. Fuck that, I want someone in here now. But I can’t leave, I need to be there when she opens her beautiful eyes, so I have no choice but to wait. I pull out my phone and using only one-hand, my unoccupied one, I text my dad, knowing he’ll pass on the word to everyone else. I keep stroking her knuckles and fingers while steadily squeezing her hand, and grow encouraged when her response feels stronger, and more solid than her previous ones initially did.
Long minutes pass.
Very long minutes, as I don’t take my eyes from her face. I feel as though if I look away, I’ll miss something of vital importance. I can see slight movement behind her eyelids and know she’s fighting her way back to me. To us. “Keep fighting, baby. The doctors on his way in,” I murmur.
“So, I hear Sleeping Beauty is trying to wake up,” the doctor says, as he walks in the room. I see him out of my peripheral vision looking over the monitors, but never stop watching her. “Ah yes, she’s definitely coming back to us,” he finally states. “Numbers are all looking good. Let me do a few tests.” I don’t know what he’s doing, but catch him flipping the sheets off her feet. Whatever he does, I see a slight grimace cross her face.
“What did you do to her?” I growl out. Part of me is grateful that she’s been in a coma because the thought of her actually feeling the pain of surgery and a broken arm crushes me.
“Checking her reflexes. I saw her flinch, Talon. This may take longer, but we’ll be checking on her more frequently than normal. Keep talking to her.”
I nod my head. “Claree, you’re waking up, beautiful. Don’t be
scared when you do, okay? You’re on a ventilator and won’t be able to speak.” I figure I better prepare her because I don’t want her scared. I wasn’t able to protect her that day, and have failed so many other times, but that man no longer exists. Her accident has shown me how fucked up my priorities were, and I will never go back. Those words seem to be what force her to wake up, but she does so in a panic. I see her arms flailing and she immediately puts them to where the tubes are in her throat.
“Claree,” the doctor says, grabbing her hands. “We’re going to be taking this out shortly, I need you to take deep breaths in and out of your nose and try to calm down. Breath in, breath out,” he commands, then he repeats this mantra several times until she finally cracks her eyes open and they zone in on me first then move to the doctor’s direction. “That’s it, keep breathing,” he instructs her. “Sir, we’re going to have to ask you leave while we remove her from the ventilator.” Say what now?
“Why do I have to leave, she needs me and will be calmer with me near her,” I grit out through my teeth. I’m trying not to lose my shit and scare Claree more than she already is.
“Standard procedure, we find that the spouse, parent or significant other freaks out, and the patient ends up feeling that anxiety, and responds to that making it harder, and hurt worse if we allow them to stay.” Well, I don’t want her to possibly hurt herself, but I’ve promised to never abandon her again. I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of what I want to do, and what needs to be done.
I hear a noise from her and she’s shaking her head no. “Doctor, I don’t think she wants me to leave. I promise I won’t get in your way, but I won’t be leaving her.”
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