by Nikki Wild
“I guess I’m having a hard time connecting to all of this,” she admitted, squirming cutely under my touch. “I know what my doctor said. And I know I’ve got all the symptoms. But so much of it just doesn’t seem like it’s really happening, or if it is, it almost feels like it’s happening to someone else.” She looked up at me and sighed. “I feel like a bad woman.”
I laughed at that. Maybe it was a little cruel, but I couldn’t help it. The idea of Liz being a bad anything was so absurd. “You’re going to have to explain that one to me, I’m afraid.”
Scrunching her nose, she huffed. “It’s hard to want to explain anything at all when you laugh at me.”
I held up my hand in a disarming gesture. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just think you’re the cats pyjamas, and I don’t understand how anyone could ever think otherwise—even you.” She rolled her eyes and I kissed that wrinkled nose of hers. “I’ll spare you the laughter this time. Promise. Just know it came from the heart.”
“Mm,” she said, a noncommittal answer if I’d ever heard one. Then she shrugged. “Every time I’ve heard women talk about being pregnant, they say there’s this… inherent connection between them and the baby. They can feel them all the time, sense them, like they’ve got this… this intrinsic bond before the kid’s even born.” Her voice went real quiet and she looked away from me. “I don’t have that.”
I laid my head down on the pillow beside her and thought a moment, twisting my fingers softly around her navel. “You ever think those women are exaggerating, love? Maybe trying to make the experience more glamorous, spiritual, and mystical than it actually is? Not to say that carrying a child’s not special, but…”
Liz shrugged again. “They seem to believe it.” I tried a different approach.
“Well, if pregnancy is so personal and unique… then maybe there’s no universal way to experience it.” She glanced at me, and I continued. “Those women. Would you say they’re the, ah… emotional sort? Not in a bad way, just—they rule with their hearts, more than their heads?”
She nodded. “I guess.”
“There you are, then,” I said triumphantly. “You, my dear, are the practical sort. Rational. Head over heart.” I kissed the crown of her head as if I could reach her brain, and she giggled. “No wonder your experience is so different. You’re different. And there’s not a bloody thing wrong with that.”
“Thanks,” Liz said in a thoughtful, drawn-out way. The look on her face resembled a kind of bemusement. “I wasn’t actually expecting you to make me feel so much better about that.”
I held my hand over my chest, as if wounded. “Your vote of confidence moves me.” She sucked her teeth and I winked in reply.
“Still…” When she looked away, I spied a bit of wistfulness replacing her indignance. “I do wish I had something… something like evidence… to make me feel like all this was real. Something tangible. Something…” She wet her lips, and I could tell she was struggling to put together what she meant. Poor Liz still wasn’t so good where feelings were concerned, I could tell. “I dunno. Maybe something I could see.”
I frowned, looking skyward as I considered this. What she was saying made perfect sense to me. As the father of the child in question, I felt so far removed from the experience that it all seemed a little unreal to me, as well. I’d figured that would fade in time, that as Liz began to show and the baby began to kick, the whole thing would come into focus for me. I could wait for that.
But to know that she was in the same boat… that made me want to act. Made me want to do something for her that would speed up the process, give her the clarity she desired now. I was swiftly learning that I had no patience when it came to Liz’s whims. Whatever she wanted, I wanted to give to her. Immediately, if not sooner.
Out of that desire, a solution was born. I blinked, a bit shocked that I’d been the one of us to think of it, but pleasantly so. This was my opportunity to be impressive out of the bedroom. I grinned at her slyly, rolled halfway on top of her, and said:
“No worries, love. I think I know just the thing.”
Elizabeth
I was honestly more scared than I thought that I would be at this point, especially considering how painless this entire situation was supposed to be—but then again, I had never had an ultrasound performed on me, and new things had always made me nervous.
Normally, a pregnant woman wouldn’t get an ultrasound done until after her first eighteen weeks to make sure that everything was going properly, but after my pillow-talk confession, Julian had thought arranging for one as soon as possible wouldn’t be the worst idea. If anything, at least we’d have a solid idea of when I was actually due.
“You’re shaking,” Julian whispered in my ear, almost chidingly. “It’s going to be fine. They aren’t even going to stick you with a needle.”
“I know that,” I said, nudging him with my elbow as we sat in the waiting room, awkwardly trying to make sure no one recognized us. He had a ball cap pulled down over his face and a pair of aviators on like he was the Winter Soldier, or something. “I just… I’m nervous about seeing the baby.”
“You were nervous about not seeing it, too,” he reminded me, and I grunted in reply. Then he added, “It’ll be fine. Thing’s not any bigger than a sea monkey at this stage, anyway.”
I gave him a look as he grinned, pushing his ears forward and puffing out his cheeks like an actual monkey. I didn’t want him to make me smile. I wanted to worry. At least then I felt like I could prepare myself for the worst.
“At least there aren’t any cameras,” I sighed, feeling an unnerving amount of gratitude for Tessa. When we told her we were getting the ultrasound done, she let a rumor slip that Julian and I would be at some restaurant across town, drawing the paparazzi on a wild goose chase far away from where we really were. Even I had to admit that it was brilliant, and it afforded us some much needed time away from the constant vigilance of the media. I nearly felt like we were just a normal couple enjoying a momentous, and private, moment in our lives.
“Yeah,” Julian agreed, though from the look on his face as he glanced over his shoulder, he might’ve been searching for some wood to knock on. “Hopefully it bloody stays that way.”
“They can’t just barge into the doctor’s office,” I said, following his gaze through the window that opened out onto the parking lot. “Can they?”
“They’ll sure as hell try,” he said, squeezing my arm. “But I don’t see any of those bastards yet, so…”
“Mr. and Mrs. Goodwin?” a nurse called, and Julian stood like a flash and pulled me over to the counter. I could have sworn that he was going to pull my damn arm off if it weren’t slotted into the joint.
“Yes, that’s us,” he said, flashing the nurse a faint smile. “Is the doc ready for us?”
The nurse stared at him for a good minute, not out of recognition, but annoyance.
“The ultrasound technician has a room ready,” she said, accentuating every syllable of their title. “You’ll see the doctor once the tech is finished, and he’ll go over the results.”
There was a soft buzzing sound and she motioned for us to head toward the door leading back into the office proper and out of the waiting area.
“Third door on your right,” she said before sliding her little window shut.
Julian and I stepped into the room the woman at the desk had indicated. The door was already open and there was one of those uncomfortable exam tables waiting for me, complete with disposable paper upholstery and a deflated pillow. Parked next to it was a strange-looking console on caster wheels with an HD television attached to the top. I’d never had an opportunity to see one up close, but I could only assume that this was the ultrasound machine that would be looking inside of me.
Just the thought of seeing my insides—even if they were going to be just grainy black and white pictures of them—gave me a chill. I never liked the idea of someone being able to see into my body, I could never ex
plain why. Maybe it was some primal instinct left over from the days where a human was as likely as not to get torn apart and eaten by some hungry beast. Or maybe it was yet another side-effect of my private, reserved nature rearing its ugly head. Whatever the case, it gave me the creeps.
I squeezed Julian’s hand as we entered the room, throwing him a faint, nervous smile. Seeming to sense my hesitation, he tightened his grip and guided me over to the adjustable exam table.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” he said, though judging by the look on his face—the tight draw of his mouth, the clench of his jaw, and that little muscle twitch in his cheek—I thought that he might be saying that to assuage his own nerves as well. “Probably won’t even be too much to see, this early on.”
“You’re probably right,” I said, sitting on the edge of the table as we waited for the technician to arrive. “I’ve just never had one of these done before.”
“Well, if it makes you feel better, doctors give me the willies.”
I arched a brow at him. “Well, it’s not you they’re going to be looking inside of,” I reminded him, half a reassurance, half an admonishment for forgetting which one of us was the subject of this little examination here. “You don’t have anything to worry about.”
“It’s not just that,” he muttered, averting his gaze. “It’s the baby too.”
“What about it?” I asked, reaching out to take his hand again. He shifted and gave my hand a quick squeeze before pulling up one of the two small chairs near the door.
“I don’t know,” he said, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair. “I’m just… I want everything to be okay. I’m not sure I’d know how to handle it if something was wrong.”
I smiled at him a little differently now, with much more warmth and understanding as I laced my fingers with his. This was the first time I’d seen him actually worried about the baby, and despite his distress, I felt relieved by how much he actually cared. He was really shaping up, and in leaps and bounds too. It was like spending less time with Tessa, less time embroiled in the world of camera flashes and scandals, had brought out the best in him.
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” I said softly. “But for now, we don’t need to be worrying about uncertainties. We have enough that is certain to stress over—and high levels of stress aren’t good for pregnancies, according to what I read on the subject…”
The sound of footsteps drew my attention away from Julian as a man in a pair of turquoise scrubs walked into the room, a big, customer-service smile on his face.
“Hi there,” he said, his voice terrifically smooth. “I’m Tyler. I’m going to be performing your ultrasound today. Would you mind giving me your name and date of birth?”
“Elizabeth Jane Lawson,” I said, frowning at what seemed like an odd request. “And I was born on February fourteenth, nineteen eighty-four.”
“Ouch. Valentine’s day?” Julian asked with an exaggerated wince. I sighed and smacked his arm to keep him quiet, making him draw back as though he’d been wounded, that playful grin of his smeared on his lips—the more I saw of it, the more it was growing on me.
Tyler glanced between the two of us, probably confused as to why Julian wouldn’t have known my birthday. Then he sat down at the swiveling stool beside the ultrasound machine.
“Have you ever had one of these before?” he asked, donning a pair of gloves from a box stashed under the machine.
“No, never,” I said, swallowing nervously at the soft snap of the latex hitting his wrists.
“Well, you don’t have anything to worry about,” Tyler assured me, grabbing a white squeeze bottle. “This scan doesn’t hurt a bit. The most you’re going to feel is a little chilly from this gel. Other than that, it’s totally painless.”
I nodded faintly as Tyler leaned behind the exam table and brought the head-rest up by about forty-five degrees, just enough for me to recline so he could get easy access to my stomach. I laid back on the uncomfortable mattress, lifting my shirt up to the bottom of my bra when he told me to.
Despite his warnings, the gel was much colder than I’d expected. After he’d squeezed a good bit of it onto my abdomen, I watched him use the sensor wand hanging off of the machine to spread the gel over where my uterus was.
“Jesus,” I muttered, “that is cold.”
“Yeah, it’s the worst part,” Tyler said, “but at least that’s all there is to it. Now, let’s see if we can find that baby in there.”
I swallowed thickly, and a moment later, Julian squeezed my hand. The top of the ultrasound machine began to show grainy, almost indiscernible images floating and morphing across the screen. It was hard to tell what anything was, though from the way Tyler seemed to be moving the wand and adjusting the settings on the console, he knew exactly what he was looking for.
It took maybe a minute or two, but then he gave a sound of excitement, turning the screen toward Julian and I and pointed toward a rather distinct black spot in the middle of a gray-ish ring.
“There it is,” he said, a big smile on his face. “Not much to look at right now, but that’s your baby right there. Size is about right. If you come back in a month or so, you’ll be able to see the heartbeat.”
I suddenly felt a lump in my throat. Sure, it was just a spot of ink, but suddenly realizing that it was my inky spot somehow made it infinitely more impactful. Beside me, I could hear Julian make a soft sound, and as I turned to look at him I could see tears beginning to form at the corners of his eyes.
“I’ll give you two a minute alone,” Tyler said, smiling as he clicked a few buttons on the console to freeze the image of our still as-yet unformed baby on the screen.
As the tech left the room, Julian sniffled. The smile on his face was strained. “Told you,” he whispered. And then he made the stupid monkey face again.
This time, it made me laugh. And then it made me cry. I looked at the monitor, tears streaming down my cheeks. Julian leaned in and pressed his lips against my face, drying those tears with kisses, cleaving to my hand as he whispered, “You’re incredible, Liz. Look at that thing. Look how well you’re doing already. You’re going to be a great mum.” I was crying harder now. Damn him, he knew just how to yank at my heart strings. “You’re going to be…”
The ringing of Julian’s phone shattered the moment. For several seconds he made no move to answer it, but we both knew he would have to eventually. I didn’t say anything as he withdrew; I knew it was with great reluctance. I also knew who was on the other end of the line before Julian ever even answered it—Tessa was the only person who ever called Julian on his cell.
“Hey, Tess!” Julian began, exchanging dread for excitement. “We just got done with the ultrasound. We’re—”
His face fell more suddenly than I had ever seen, a frown replacing that dashing smile of his like the flip of a switch. My stomach did a somersault, and suddenly everything went completely cold. “How?”
“Julian?” I asked, dread coiling my guts into knots as I wiped away the gel off of my stomach. Something was obviously wrong, and the longer Julian stood there, silently listening to whatever Tessa was saying, the more my mind came up with the worst possible outcomes.
“Right,” he said, swallowing hard as he gave me a look that had the power to break my heart. “We’ll see you in a minute.”
“Julian, what’s wrong?” I asked, my voice rising to match my growing distress. I felt vulnerable enough after having someone quite literally scanning my insides. Adding some disaster to the mix was too much to bear, especially when I had no idea what to expect from it. I felt weightless, like I was falling from some vast height, and there was no safety net below me—just an endless void.
“Tessa’s coming around with a car,” he said, meeting my gaze with a ghost of an apology in his eyes. “Somehow, the press found out about our arrangement. They think this whole thing is a sham.”
Julian
The first car was meant for Liz. Tessa want
ed her back at the hotel as soon as possible, where she would hopefully avoid getting swamped by the paparazzi and where she would be somewhat safe in general. Sadly, I wasn’t so lucky.
Tessa had called a press conference in order to try and “get a handle on the situation,” as she put it. In truth, she was just planning to cover our asses, but I didn’t care. My reputation meant nothing right now. All I was worried about now was Liz and the baby.
“Who told them our marriage is a sham?” Liz asked as we stood outside the doctor’s office, the car Tessa had called for her pulling up right to the curb.
“I don’t know,” I said, running my fingers through my hair in frustration. “I just don’t know. That’s one of the things Tessa is going to talk to me about.”
“Julian… I’m scared. I don’t know what to do,” she said, pulling me into a tight hug. I wanted to keep her in my arms as long as possible, to not let the comfort of her touch be taken from me so quickly—so soon after we’d just seen our baby for the very first time. I had the ultrasound printouts in my pocket. Well, some of them. Liz and I had split them between ourselves; though there wasn’t much to see, it felt good having some evidence, some concrete proof of what we’d made together to hold on to.
“I’m scared too,” I whispered, begrudgingly drawing away to open the car door for her. Time was of the essence now, and I didn’t want her getting caught in the media crossfire. “Just get back to the hotel. Don’t go home… I’m going to fix this. I might be a day or two, but I promise I’ll come back… Okay?”
“Right,” she said, offering me the shade of a smile as she climbed into the backseat. I could feel a pit opening up in my stomach as I watched the car drive off, an absolutely unbearable thought jumping into my mind.
What if this is the end?
No, I couldn’t think like that. Not after everything had started to go so well for us, not after we’d only just begun to work so perfectly together. It wouldn’t be fair—life would never be that cruel, would it?