“April told me about that today. So she left, huh?”
“Yes. And before she left, she told me she wanted to try to make things work with us, even if we had to do it long-distance, but I panicked and broke it off instead. Now she’s been gone for two weeks, and I’m a fucking wreck without her.”
“So tell her how you feel. Is there any chance she’d come back?”
“I don’t want her to come back! Not for me, anyway,” I said.
He gave me a strange look. “Why not?”
“Because I don’t want her to make that kind of sacrifice and discover I’m not fucking worth it. I mean, we were only together for a month, maybe six weeks. That’s not enough time.” I hesitated. “Is it?”
Chip took a long swallow from his beer. “You might be asking the wrong guy here. But for what it’s worth, I knew the day I met Mariah I would marry her.”
I groaned. “What is wrong with everybody? How can you know that shit so fast?”
He laughed. “I don’t know. It was just a gut instinct.”
“My gut instincts told me to run the other way the day I met Winnie.”
“Because she’s so young?”
“Yes. She just did something to me, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to feel those things for someone, especially someone who’s twenty-fucking-two.”
“Mariah’s twenty-four,” he said. “That’s not much older.”
I took a drink and considered it. “Yeah, but we’re different. I’ve already been married and failed at it. I’ve had my kids. And I don’t have major league money.”
“Winnie isn’t the type to care about money.”
“I know she isn’t,” I grumbled. “But I just can’t wrap my head around asking her to come back here when I can’t promise her what she ultimately wants. I mean, what if she wound up regretting it?”
“What do you think she ultimately wants?”
“Eventually? To get married and have kids. But let’s say she’s not ready for that for five more years—I’m going to start another family at fucking forty?”
Chip shrugged. “Why not? But let’s say she was ready in one or two years. Would it change your mind?”
“No.”
“Exactly. Because it’s not the age that really bothers you. It’s something else.”
Annoyed that he could read me so well, I plunked both elbows on the bar and locked my fingers behind my neck. “What if I’m bad at being in a relationship? What if I’ve always been so careful not to give away too much of myself that I don’t know how to do it? I mean, maybe all the shit Naomi said is true.”
Chip took a deep breath. “Okay, listen. I wasn’t there when you married Naomi, but I was there when you guys dated before, and it was not a good relationship. You two did nothing but piss each other off, fight, and get back together, probably because there was nothing better to do. I was shocked at the news you were getting married.”
“Yeah. It wasn’t a good idea.” I shrugged. “But Hallie and Luna were worth it.”
“How do they feel about Winnie?”
“They adore her.”
“So let me ask you this. Does this thing with Winnie feel different from what you had with Naomi?”
“Night and day,” I told him.
“Do you think maybe you could try to give away more of yourself, at least enough to make Winnie feel like you’re not going anywhere, no matter what? Because that’s the only way to get her back.”
I looked at him sideways. “That sounds scary as fuck.”
“I know. And don’t do it unless you mean it, or I’ll have to kick your ass. She’s still my little cousin.”
“I know.”
“And if it works out and we move up here, our kids can play baseball together. We can coach them. Or we can be those asshole dads on the bleachers that know everything.”
Laughing, I picked up my beer again. “If I’m ever that guy, please kick my ass.”
We hung out another hour or so, and then Chip had to leave to meet up with Mariah for dinner with his mom and stepdad. After he left, I noticed I had a text from my sister.
Hey, if you’re not busy, can you come by? I have something for you. We just ordered pizza and salad and you’re welcome to eat with us.
It wasn’t even seven and I had no plans until I was scheduled to pick up the girls at ten-thirty, so I replied that I’d swing by in about twenty. I paid my bill and headed out.
I let myself in their back door and found Bree in the kitchen. As soon as she saw me, she handed me an envelope that said Dexter on it. The handwriting was unfamiliar.
“It’s from Dad,” she said, holding up her palms like she was innocent. “I didn’t read it, I don’t know what it says, I’m not pressuring you to read it. I only said I’d give it to you, and now I have.”
I leaned back against the counter while Bree took out plates, forks, and napkins. Staring at the envelope in my hand, I grappled with conflicting emotions. “You saw him today?”
“Yes.”
“Did you take the kids?”
She nodded. “We all went.”
“How was it?”
“Okay, I guess. He can’t get out of bed anymore, so we just visited for a little bit in his room.”
“That sounds depressing.”
She shrugged. “My kids are so small, they don’t know anything. Justin said hello and went back to the living room. He mostly sat with Gloria and the kids out there while I talked to Dad.”
“What does he say?”
“He actually did more talking today. He told me about the way he grew up, his abusive father, his mother’s nervous breakdowns. It was sad, but it gave me a lot of insight into him.” She opened the fridge. “Want a beer?”
“No, thanks.”
She took one out for herself and popped the cap off. “I don’t think he has too much more time.”
“Months? Weeks?”
“I didn’t ask.” She tipped up her beer. “So tonight was the wedding, right?”
“Yeah. I have to pick up the girls from the reception in a few hours. We’re meeting Winnie in the morning at eight.”
Her eyebrows rose. “Winnie’s in town?”
I nodded. “She had a work event at Cloverleigh Farms tonight and she’s flying out tomorrow.”
“Have you seen her yet?”
“Just briefly on the porch yesterday.” I grimaced. “I didn’t handle it too well.”
She smiled. “What did you do, ask her to spend the night?”
“No,” I said, although that’s exactly what I’d had in mind. “I just asked if I could see her later, because she was in a hurry. But she said no.”
My sister shrugged. “You can’t blame her, Dex. If you want her back, you have to make it clear something has changed.”
“I know,” I said, tapping the letter against the palm of my hand. “I’m thinking about it.”
Although I didn’t have much appetite, I ate some dinner with Bree and Justin and headed home around eight.
When I got there, I stared at the envelope on the counter for a solid fifteen minutes before working up the courage to tear it open. I did it less out of curiosity for what he had to say than to prove to myself I could still do hard things.
Unfolding the typed pages, I began to read.
Dear Dexter,
I am sorry this letter isn’t written by hand, but I asked Gloria to type it for me because my writing is too shaky and I want every word to be clear.
I don’t blame you for not coming to see me. If I was in your shoes, I don’t think I would come either. In fact, I was in your shoes, years ago when my own father was dying. He didn’t ask to see me and I didn’t go. I can’t say for sure that I am sorry, but sometimes I wonder what he might have said if I’d seen him then.
I think a lot about what I would say to you if you were here. I know that I was not a good father to you, and I would tell you I was sorry. The words would not be good enough, but I’d mean them. I do m
ean them.
I would tell you how proud I am of you. You did everything you said you were going to do. A man is only as good as his word, and that means you are the best kind of man.
Bree tells me you are an incredible father and I believe her. I can see that she’s a wonderful mother too, just like your mother was. She used to amaze me with her patience and kindness and generous heart. I see so much of her in your sister, and I know she is in you too.
I regret that I didn’t pass on to you much of anything good. I never knew how to be a good father and now I know I was too scared of failing to try. But if there is still time to pass on one thing I have learned, it would be this:
Never let fear get in the way of being the kind of man you want to be.
When you look back, what will matter most?
Dad
At first I was mad and wanted to ball up the letter and burn it. His regrets weren’t my problem.
But once my temper was in check, I took a few deep breaths and read it through again. And again. And again. Eventually, the anger dissipated and I took a step back, looked a little deeper.
He wasn’t asking forgiveness, he wasn’t begging me to show up, he wasn’t placing any burden on me—he just wanted me to have one thing from him that wasn’t shitty, one piece of advice that might serve me.
And I had to admit, the advice was timely. I was letting fear get in the way of the kind of man I wanted to be.
But it was the question at the end that really stuck out to me.
I put my jacket back on and went out to the patio. It was chilly, but the cool air felt good in my lungs and on my face. I sat there until it was time to go get the girls, thinking about what he’d asked.
When I looked back, would it matter that I was strong enough to keep my heart in a vault? Would I be proud of that? Would I wear my loneliness like a badge of honor?
Or would I forever regret letting go of someone I loved and walking away from someone who made me happy, all because I wanted to prove I could?
Looking at it that way, I saw how wrong I was. How misguided. And I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life being iron-willed instead of happy.
I had no idea what the future would bring, but I loved Winnie enough to take a chance on us.
I loved her enough to believe there might actually be a happily ever after.
And in the morning, I’d tell her so.
Twenty-Eight
Winnie
Late Saturday morning, I went to the salon with my mom for a manicure, which she’d scheduled as a surprise for me.
At first, I balked at taking the time out of my day for a personal indulgence—I wanted to oversee the table setting on the patio at Cloverleigh Farms, make sure the tent was up, ensure heaters were there and working, check in with the chef, and go over my notes with her on the evening’s menu.
But my mother would hear none of it.
“Come on, it’s one hour. And you need to relax a little before your big night,” she scolded at the breakfast table. “Plus I took the morning off just to spend it with you, so you have to deal with me.”
I gave in eventually, and we headed into town around eleven. As my mom checked us in at the salon, I took a seat on a pink velvet couch and pulled out my phone to send a quick text to Ellie. Hey, my mom sprung some mother-daughter bonding time on me. Can you pick me up at 3:00 instead of 2:00?
A moment later I heard my name.
“Winnie’s here!”
I looked up in surprise and saw Hallie and Luna racing toward me. “Oh my goodness! Hi, girls!” Sticking my phone back into my bag, I rose to my feet as they barreled into me.
I laughed as they threw their arms around my waist. They were dressed casually in jeans and zip-up hoodies, but their hair was formally styled—Hallie’s usual straight locks cascaded past her shoulders in soft waves, and the front was twisted back and held in place with sprigs of baby’s breath. Luna’s curls were soft and shiny, and she wore a headband decorated with flowers.
“You two look beautiful,” I told them, admiring their tresses. “Is this for the wedding?”
“Yes. We’re flower girls,” Luna said excitedly.
“But this isn’t what we’re wearing.” Hallie gestured to their casual clothing. “Our dresses are at home.”
“Oooh, what do they look like?” I asked.
“They’re sparkly on top and swishy on the bottom,” said Luna, twirling in a circle.
I smiled. “What color?”
“The top part is gold and the bottom part is ivory.” Hallie pointed at her sister. “Hers is short and mine is longer. I wanted a long dress.”
“I bet they’re so pretty.” I touched her dark waves. “Your hair looks gorgeous.”
“What’s this?” My mother came over and smiled at the girls.
“Don’t they look pretty? It’s their mom’s wedding today.”
“That’s right!” Glancing around, my mom spotted a woman I assumed was Naomi in one of the chairs and waved. She smiled and waved back.
I smiled too, although my stomach felt funny knowing I was looking at Dex’s former wife. She was very pretty, with blond hair and fair skin, and I saw the resemblance to Luna right away.
Hallie tugged at my hand. “What are you doing here?”
Tearing my eyes from the bride, I looked down at the little girl. “Getting my nails done with my mom.”
“Where’s Piglet?” Luna asked. “Did she come with you?”
“No, Piglet doesn’t like to travel, so she’s back in Rhode Island. I have someone to watch her for me.”
“Does she like her new house now?”
I put out my hand and tilted it this way and that. “She’s still getting used to it. How’s Freddie Purrcury?”
“Good,” Hallie said. “Daddy says he’s rude but we love him.”
I laughed. “What does he do that’s rude?”
But just then, Naomi walked up. “Hello. You must be Winnie?”
“Yes.” Nervous, I offered a hand. “It’s nice to meet you. You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.” She shook my hand with a cool, firm grip. “I’m Naomi. Nice to meet you too. The girls talk about you all the time.”
I smiled at them. “They’re such great girls.”
“How was your move?”
“Oh, you know. It was a move,” I said, wondering what else she knew about me. “But I like my new job and I’m settling in.”
“Good.” Her smile seemed genuine, and I returned it.
“You look gorgeous, Naomi,” my mother said. “I can’t wait to see pictures.”
“Thanks, Frannie.” Naomi smiled warmly at my mom. “How are you?”
“I’m wonderful this weekend since I have my Winifred home.” My mom put an arm around me and squeezed. “I’m not going to want to let her go again.”
“It’s hard being away from your kids.” She looked down at her daughters. “What do you say, girls? Should we head out?”
“Bye, girls,” I said, giving each of them a hug. “It was so good to see you.”
“Bye, Winnie. We’ll still see you tomorrow, right?” Hallie looked up at me imploringly. “Daddy said we will.”
I nodded, although the thought of facing Dex made my chest feel hollow. “Yes, I’ll see you in the morning.”
They filed out, and I waved through the glass as they passed in front of the salon. Then I put my hand on my stomach and took a breath.
“You okay?” my mom asked, concerned.
“I’m fine,” I said. “It’s just a big day, and my nerves are a little jittery.”
“It’s going to be great.” She put an arm around my shoulder as we walked back to the nail stations. “Have some faith.”
Later that night, Ellie and I sat at the bar at Cloverleigh Farms, toasting our success. The event we’d planned had sold out and gone off without a hitch. The guests had raved about everything from the setting to the food to the service, we’d sold a ton of wine at the end
of the night, and both Henry DeSantis and Mr. Fournier, who’d been on the premises but stayed out of sight, were thoroughly impressed. As an added bonus, Ellie and I’d had a ball together—it had hardly felt like work.
“Cheers.” Ellie tapped her whiskey glass to mine. “Here’s to the first of hopefully many ventures together.”
“Definitely.” I drank with her. “That was so much fun.”
“I wish you didn’t live so far away,” she said with a pout.
“Me too.” I stared at the whiskey in my glass. “I love my new job, but . . . I don’t know. Something just doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel right in my skin.”
She sat up straighter and rubbed my back. “I’m sorry. That was selfish of me to say. Give yourself some time to get used to things there, Win. It’s only been a couple weeks, and you’re coming off a shitty breakup. I’m not sure you’d feel right in your skin anywhere, even here.”
“That’s true.” I took another sip. “Seeing him yesterday sucked.” I’d told Ellie all about my run-in with him on the porch. “I can’t imagine still living next door to him.”
She tipped her head onto my shoulder. “Yeah.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “I don’t want to see him tomorrow.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“Can I cancel?”
Ellie sighed. “I don’t know. That would disappoint the kids, wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah. But I saw them this morning, right?” I shook my head. “And I just can’t face him and pretend my heart isn’t breaking.”
She sighed. “See? This is why love sucks. I don’t know why everyone thinks it’s so great.”
For once, I didn’t argue with her.
Just before Ellie and I left Cloverleigh Farms, I sent Dex a text.
Sorry to cancel on you, but I can’t make it tomorrow morning. I’ll email the girls. Take care.
I felt awful—like a coward—but told myself there was no other way.
Someone had to protect my heart.
Ignite: A Grumpy Single Dad Romance Page 27