by Aly Martinez
“Okay. So, Emma, Sarah and I have been discussing quite a few things over the last few weeks. We were in agreement that it was time to bring you in and fill you in on where things are at in her treatment.”
“Oh, yeah. That sounds great,” I rush out, rubbing my hands back and forth over my jeans.
“As you know, Sarah is being treated medically for her brain injury suffered during the accident, and I am helping her emotionally move past it as well. Currently, we are focusing on her guilt over Manda’s death and her role in the accident. During one of our chats, we pinpointed why she has so desperately tried to separate herself from those who love her. Sarah, care to elaborate?”
My eyes move to focus on her, but her eyes frantically jump around the room, looking at anything but me.
“Hey.” I try to catch her attention. “You don’t have to be nervous. There is nothing you could say that would make me think less of you. I love you.” I try to encourage her, but she leans even farther away from me and begins knotting her fingers in her lap.
The doctor tries to prompt her. “Sarah?”
“I killed Manda,” she whispers. “I was driving that night, and I feel guilty that I lived and she didn’t.”
“You remember?” I ask, shocked.
“No.” She finally looks up at me. “I don’t remember. But based on the proof, I’ve accepted it. It doesn’t do me any good to play the what-if game. The only way I will ever truly move on is to own it and figure out how to get better.”
“That’s a really brave thing to say. I respect you for that,” I say, trying to let her know that I’m on her side.
She just laughs though. “I definitely don’t deserve respect.”
“Why do you say that, Sarah?” Dr. Clark cuts in.
“I just don’t.”
I look at him to see if he is going to push the subject, but he just nods and moves on.
“Why don’t you tell Emma what we talked about on Monday?” he says, causing Sarah to let out a groan.
“You have to know this therapy bullshit is driving me crazy.” She turns to look at me. “It’s like he has all the answers, but he still makes you guess before he gives them to you.”
I smile at her logic. I love these sarcastic flashes of my sister—my old sister.
She takes in a deep breath and very calmly, with no trace of sarcasm, bares her soul. “I have pushed everyone away for years because I don’t feel like I deserve anyone’s love after what I did. I still miss Manda every single day, and sometimes it’s crippling. It’s bad enough to know that I lost my best friend, but knowing that I had a role in her death slices me deep. I’ve wanted to escape that feeling for years, so I tried to kill myself. I just needed a way out of the pain.”
“Okay, I need to say something here. And I probably should just be listening but I need to say this for me.” I look at the doctor, but he doesn’t try to stop me. Turning back to Sarah, I rush out, “I’m sorry I left you to deal with all this on your own. I was terrified of losing you, and I know that is a shitty excuse, but I couldn’t stand by and watch you try to kill yourself. So I took the coward’s way out. I’m sorry. That’s what I feel guilty for.”
“I wouldn’t have let you help me even if you tried.” She finally reaches out to grab my hand.
I can’t hold myself back anymore. I dive across the chair and throw my arms around her neck. She’s stiff at first, obviously not having expected me to assault her with hugs, but a second later, she relaxes and wraps her arms around me too. We stay like that for a few minutes, both of us silently dripping tears and sniffling.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I say, and the moment is immediately ruined.
She goes stiff and awkwardly releases her hold on me. “I’m not who you miss,” she says with a cold chill to her voice.
The forgotten Dr. Clark speaks from across the room. “We didn’t get to this part, Sarah. Give her a break.”
“What did I say?” I frantically look back and forth between them.
“Go ahead. Tell her,” she says to the doctor.
“But then you wouldn’t have to guess.” He offers her a fake grin that has her rolling her eyes.
“I’m not the person you remember anymore. Shit changed after the accident. My ‘care team’”—she makes air quotes around the words—“says it’s because of my brain injury or whatever. But I’m not that woman anymore. It’s weird. It’s like I remember who I used to be, but I hate pretty much everything she used to love. Remember how much I used to read and write?”
“Of course. You were always such a geek when it came to books.” I laugh, but she doesn’t even smile.
“I hate them now,” she says matter-of-factly, like her sudden anti-reading status is going to run me off.
“Okay?”
“Oh and remember my obsession with cooking?”
“Yep,” I say, knowing where this is going.
“I would order takeout every day for the rest of my life if I could,” she says, and it once again makes me laugh. “What’s so funny?” she asks in a bitchy tone I definitely recognize.
“You!” I exclaim. “I’m not laughing at you per se, Sarah. I do, however, find it funny that you think your reading and cooking habits have any bearing whatsoever on how I feel about you.”
“Okay, let me interject here. I think Sarah might be not be explaining this very well,” Dr. Clark says, placing his notepad on the table beside him. “What she’s trying to say is she is not the same person you might remember. People who know her have expectations of who she is, but she feels that the person she is now will never be able to live up to those expectations. Is that accurate, Sarah?”
I look to her as she nods.
“She’s my sister!” I shriek at the doctor. He uses his pen to point over to Sarah, reminding me who I should be talking to. “You’re my sister!” I repeat to her.
“I’m not the person you remember though.”
“I don’t give two shits who you are now. You could turn into a purple flying monkey and I’d still love you. You’re my family.” Her eyes get wide and fill with tears. “Jesus, Sarah, is this why you pushed everyone away? Oh my God, is this what happened with Brett? You didn’t want to disappoint him?”
“No!” she screams and jumps to her feet at the very mention of his name. “Brett is my biggest change and regret. I just don’t love him anymore, and he wouldn’t fucking accept that!”
“Let’s everyone calm down.”
“Wait, do you still love me?” I jump to my feet alongside her as fear floods my veins. If she fell out of love with Brett, maybe she hates me now too.
“No. I mean yes! Yes, I love you.” She looks around the room before repeats my words back to me with a timid smile. “You’re my sister.”
“Well okay then,” I say, flopping back down onto the couch, filled with relief.
Instead of sitting in the chair, she moves to sit next to me. I’m done with the seriousness of this conversation. I quickly collect myself then whip out the old trusty humor.
“Look, we’re in this together. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care how much you have changed. It looks like we have a lot of catching up to do. Good thing we live together now.” I give her a wink. “I see many ‘get to know you’ wine nights in our future.”
“I don’t drink anymore,” she whispers.
“Okay, well you can watch me drink while we talk.” I pat her leg and offer her a crooked grin. We both start laughing, and she leans her head on my shoulder.
Finally, fucking finally, something feels right with Sarah. It’s crazy how one hour-long conversation can change everything. I still feel guilty as hell for not having been there for her, but we are at least on the right track now.
“Those jeans make your ass look big,” Sarah pulls me into one last hug before I leave.
“Your hair looks like shit,” I tease back.
She leans away and gives me a huge smile. “Next week?”
“I�
�ll be here. Maybe you can call me if you get a chance?”
“I’ll try,” she replies, looking down at the floor.
“Thanks, Dr. Clark.” I extend a hand but at the last minute go in for a hug. I’m really fucking happy, so he can suck it up and take it.
“All right, Emma. We’ll see you next week.” He quickly pushes me away, and Sarah quietly laughs behind him.
Today has been amazing.
As I walk to my car, I pull my phone out to text Caleb. I toss it around for a minute, trying to decide what to say. Separation. That is what we agreed on when it came to him and Sarah, but this is something I want to share with my boyfriend. I know that by now Eli has dropped off my keys and probably told him where I went. I’m not going to let Mr. Broody ruin this for me.
Me: I’m on my way back. I’m in a really good mood. Please don’t ruin this by acting like an ass.
Caleb: Um. Okay? Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m just really fucking happy right now, and I wish I could share it with you.
Caleb: Good visit?
Holy shit! Is he asking about Sarah? I’m not giving him the details that I know he doesn’t want. So I decide to keep it short and simple.
Me: Yeah. It was great! Can we go out to dinner?
Caleb: Sounds like a plan. See you soon.
And just like that, I kept up my end of the bargain and Caleb did the same. It looks like he and I might actually be able to make this work. This day just got even better.
I WOKE up early this morning and decided to surprise Caleb with coffee at work. Poor guy got stuck working two Saturdays in a row. I know I’ve only been in town for five weeks, but I’ve missed our weekends together. Recently, I’ve been busy doing some free shoots for local magazines to try and get my name out there. So between my running around town at odd hours for work, visiting Sarah two afternoons each week, and Caleb’s work schedule and woodworking hours, the last two weeks have had us running in different directions.
Saturday is usually our lazy day. No work or Sarah between us, just the two of us spending quality time together. This basically consists of lying in bed naked all day. Half the day, we make love. The other half, we just chat or watch funny movies. Thankfully he has a four-day next weekend, and he has already informed me that I’m not allowed to wear clothes the entire weekend. That makes days like today slightly bearable.
I’m patiently standing in line, waiting to order Caleb’s coffee and my scone, when I see a familiar face out of the corner of my eye.
“Casey?” I catch her attention, and when her eyes meet mine, for a brief second, they fill with surprise before immediately returning to a flat expression.
“I’m sorry. Do I know you?”
“It’s me. Emma—”
“Erickson,” Eli finishes, walking up behind her. “What’s up, babe?” He nods to me while rubbing his hand over Casey’s back.
I’ve seen Eli probably two dozen times since moving to Chicago. He is always with Caleb or some combination of Brett and Caleb. But I don’t think I’ve ever noticed how attractive he is before now. Sure, he’s got a nice body. I’m not blind. But he’s wearing a tight baby-blue button-down that really makes his toffee-brown eyes stand out. His hair isn’t the usual shaggy mess I’ve seen. It’s perfectly styled. It’s obvious he is trying to impress her, but it honestly confuses me.
“I didn’t realize you two knew each other,” I say, motioning between them.
“Yeah, we go way back,” Eli answers, pulling her into his side.
“Hi, Emma. Sorry I didn’t recognize you. You’ve grown up a lot since I last saw you.” Casey gives me a forced smile.
“Yeah, it tends to happen. How the heck have you been?” I ask her.
I’ve only met Casey three or four times, but I knew her better than Manda back in the day. After the accident, Casey went off the map. Sarah wouldn’t speak to her, and Manda was gone. She essentially lost her two best friends that night, and it broke her. I heard she’d moved to Ohio and never looked back. Seeing her with Eli now makes me smile. She deserves a good man, and what I know of Eli says that he more than fits the bill.
“I’m okay. Living in Ohio. I’m just here visiting family and decided to catch up with Eli.” His nostrils flair, but if possible, he pulls her even tighter against his chest.
“Look, I know things have been crazy over the last few years, but Sarah is finally getting help and dealing with her demons. Maybe I can talk to her doctor and see if you could go visit her? She really is getting better, and I bet she would love to see you.”
“I don’t know. I think it might be best if we just leave it as water under the bridge.”
Shit. She must have really done a number on Casey the last time they spoke, because those three were inseparable.
“Okay, but just know she really is a different person these days. She’s come a long way from how she was after the accident. If you change your mind, here’s my number.” I dig through my purse to find her one of my business cards.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll think about it.” She nods, but a small tear threatens to escape her eye.
“She’s not the same, Casey, but she’s still there.”
“I miss them,” she chokes out, and Eli pulls her completely into his chest.
“Shit, I’m so sorry.” I didn’t mean to upset her. I thought maybe she might be happy to see Sarah again. “I’m going to leave now. I’m really sorry. I’ll just grab Caleb’s coffee and be out of your hair before you even know it.”
“Caleb?” She suddenly perks up.
Eli lets out a curse, and I suddenly realize that I’ve said too much. I steel myself, ready for the reaction everyone gives when they realize Caleb and I are dating, but it never comes from Casey.
“Are you dating Caleb?” she asks with a quick swipe under her eyes.
“Yeah. For a few months now. I shouldn’t have said anything. I know this must be awkward as hell.”
“No. Not at all. Is he happy? I mean, are you two happy? Is it serious?” She asks a barrage of questions.
Her reaction completely confuses me, until it dawns on me—Casey doesn’t have a vested interest in this. She just wants to see someone in this whole mess moving on and finally happy again.
“Yeah, we are doing really well. I think he’s happy—or I at least I hope he is.” I laugh. “I’d say we are kind of serious. Maybe?” I laugh again.
Her lip begins to quiver as she nods. “That’s good. That’s really fucking good.” The relief floods her face.
Eli leans down and kisses her long black hair. She offers me a genuine smile, but that damn tear finally escapes the corner of her eye.
“Well, we’re going to head out, Emma,” Eli says to me as Casey begins to blankly stare into the distance.
“Yeah, okay. Sorry if I ruined y’all’s morning.”
Casey speaks up. “You didn’t ruin anything. I just don’t talk about Sarah or Manda very often. It’s still hard. I’m glad to hear Caleb is doing well though. He’s a really good guy. Loyal to a fault. I’ll let you know if I change my mind about visiting Sarah, okay?” She leans her head back against Eli.
“Yeah, that would be great.” I smile then head toward back toward the counter.
A few seconds later, Eli leads Casey out the door. A small sense of peace washes over me as I remember that simple smile on her face. I can’t help but hope she takes me up on the offer to see Sarah.
“DETECTIVE JONES,” I hear spoken in a sultry voice behind me. A smile immediately spreads across my face as I spin in my chair to see Emma carrying two large coffees.
“Oh, I love you, woman!” I say teasingly as I reach forward to grab one of the cups from her hand.
“Wait! Who said that was for you?”
“Excuse me! Do you have another man working here today?” I glance around the office. The only other man in the room is Bob Stein, a fifty-year-old man with a potbelly. “Huh?” I lift a teasing eyebrow. �
�Hey, Bob, were you expecting any coffee?” I shout across the room.
“Oh my God, stop. Here. Take it,” she says, annoyed, but she still leans in to give me a kiss.
All is right with the world if Emma is still giving me kisses.
“Thanks, sweetheart.” I take a long, much-needed, sip. The sludge they call coffee here is terrible, and after the late night I had buried inside Emma, I need caffeine to keep me going.
“So I ran into Casey earlier.”
I almost choke on my coffee at her announcement. “Casey Black?” I need to clarify. None of us have seen or heard from Casey in years.
“Yep. She was with Eli.”
“No. Shit?”
“Nope. I had no idea they knew each other.”
“Yeah, Eli and Casey had a relationship long before the accident. And trust me. I use the word relationship loosely. Eli was in love, and Casey thought they were just fucking. When Manda passed away, it left Casey so brokenhearted that she took off, leaving everything behind—including Eli.”
“Damn, that’s rough.”
“I didn’t know he and Casey kept in touch.”
“Oh they definitely have. I would wager they are even seeing each other again. She got upset and he was comforting her.”
“Really?” I ask surprised.
“Mmmhmm.”
“Wow. Well good for him. Casey’s a good girl. Eli just needs to fight a little harder this time.”
“Anyway, how’s work going?” She walks over to my desk and plops down on the corner.
“It’s going. I’d rather be at home in bed with you.” I trace a finger down her jean-covered thigh.
“I’d rather you be there too.”
“You didn’t schedule any shoots for my days off, did you?”
“Nope. I’m all yours.” She leans forward, begging for a kiss. Who gives a shit if I’m at work? I will never miss an opportunity to take my woman’s lips.
“Good. I told Lindsey we would come over for dinner on Thursday night. Then I’m chaining you to my bed until Tuesday morning.”