by Claire Thake
“God damn it Carrie, I’m not here for your god damned money, I’m here for mum’s sake”
Carrie moved her eyes to settle her gaze on the now half filled glass, avoiding Jason’s glare. Being her twin he couldn’t explain it, but felt he could feel she was hiding what she truly felt.
“Mum wants us all back together, she wants everyone to go away for 2 weeks to Devon, so she can spend time with us all” Jason looked up at her trying to gauge her reaction from her still face.
“When?” she asked, still not once removing her eyes from her glass.
“Next week, it’s already all sorted. She’s booked a large converted barn” Jason replied. Slamming the glass on the counter Carrie, took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her blonde hair.
“I can’t Jay, I have work, I can’t just up and abandon my life, it’s just not enough notice, I’m sorry”
Jason could not believe she was actually saying no. Although he had considered this outcome on the way here, especially after she had avoided his calls and emails, he hadn’t really thought she would honestly say no.
“Please Carrie, do this for mum, it’s all she wants, just to see the whole family together again. Carrie if you don’t want to do this for yourself or the family please just think about mum, she hasn’t seen you for over 2 years, and it’s eating away at her. Not only that but I felt as if I lost a limb when you shut me out! I know you have been through a lot Carrie but you have to stop this charade, you’re not this person you’re pretending to be! Do you really think Ian would want you to be like this? ”
Picking up the glass Carrie spun around, with anger in her eyes, pointing in Jason’s face with the glass shaking in her hand, she could feel the grief and anger swallowing her along with the effect the alcohol was having.
“How dare you even begin to think you would know what Ian would have wanted? My life has changed Jason and I’ve moved on, its time you and everyone else started to accept that! I have a life Jay I cannot just up and leave it!!”
Jason was taken aback by her sudden anger and straightened up till he was a mere inch from her face, but she held her ground and didn’t move away.
“You can’t leave this life yet you were quick enough to leave us behind when it suited you. You make me sick Carrie, I thought I knew you but maybe you’re right, maybe I don’t anymore. I will email you with the details, and then it’s up to you what you do with them but I won’t expect a reply!” Turning fast he stomped out of Carrie’s kitchen and out of her apartment, slamming the door behind him.
Carrie stood in the kitchen struggling to breathe. Anger at the situation took over her and she threw the glass at full speed across the kitchen, where it bounced off the wall and smashed when it collided with the tiled floor. Carrie slid down the kitchen unit until she was a heap on the tiles, the tears now fully flowing, feeling as if the whole safe world she had created for herself had collapsed and burnt to the ground around her.
Chapter 2
Carrie squeezed her eyes closed and rolled over away from the bright morning light that invaded her bedroom through the window. Wrapping herself in her duvet, she replayed the previous evening’s events through her mind, praying that it had been a nightmare and that Jason hadn’t really turned up on her doorstep.
Pulling her tired body out of bed she felt awful and wanted nothing more than to lie back down and sleep, but she refused to give in and take time off work no matter how bad she felt. Walking from her room to the kitchen she yelped, when her foot made contact with a shard of glass on the kitchen floor.
Pulling the sharp piece from her foot, she remembered how she had smashed the glass in anger and shook her head, hobbling over to the other side of the room trying her hardest not to get blood on the floor, before retrieving a plaster from the top cupboard and placing it on her bleeding foot.
Clicking the button on the coffee machine, she rubbed her hands over her face in an attempt to wake herself up. She truly felt awful and spying the now empty Whiskey bottle on the counter explained why. She didn’t drink often but when she did it was always at low moments, trying to block out the pain and to forget what had happened in her life and Jason turning up had been more stressful than she could have ever imagined.
After 2 cups of coffee and a long and very hot shower, she was beginning to feel more human. Covering her face in her usual make up she stared into her vanity mirror, reasonably pleased with the cover up job she had done to make her look like her normal self. Grabbing her bag and coat she made her way out of the apartment and walked the 2 minutes to the underground train station.
For once Carrie actually managed to snag a seat on the train, which with the way she felt was very much needed. Leaning her head back against the window she closed her eyes and tried to mentally prepare herself for the day ahead, making a note to make sure to get herself some lunch today and not to skip it like she normally did. After all the sheer amount of alcohol in her system she needed to line her stomach to stop the queasy feeling taking hold.
After arriving and walking out of the station Carrie felt a vibration in her coat pocket. She reached in and pulled out her phone and unlocked the screen to find a text message from her best friend Leah. They had been friends since they were 2 and although they weren’t as close as they used to be Carrie tried her hardest to keep up contact.
She was the only one from her old life who she had kept in touch with after the accident. Leah had known not to push Carrie and had let her adapt to her new life without pushing her to talk about things. She often caught worrying glances from Leah when they met up, but still Leah never mentioned anything and kept the conversation to recent day events.
Hey Chick, fancy doing lunch?
Smiling at the perfect timing she quickly typed back a reply...
I would love to, how come you’re free? No kids?
Passing her security card into the reader she entered the building for work and made her way through the entrance hall, smiling at today’s receptionist whose name she didn’t know, but whose face was familiar. They had a lot of agency staff working on reception so you often saw the same girls randomly. She felt her phone vibrate again in her pocket but ignored it until she was in the comfort of her own office.
Once settled in her own space, with a large mug of hot black coffee, she powered up her computer and grabbed her phone from her bag and read the message waiting for her from Leah....
Nope all at nursery today whoop! What times good for you? I will come and meet you
Typing out a quick reply to tell Leah to meet her at 1pm, she then threw her phone in her desk drawer and pulled up the project she was working on the day before, although finding with how ill she felt that concentrating on anything was a big ask today, and she felt like a failure. She loved her job and finding herself struggling so much was a big issue to Carrie.
The day seemed to drag on twice as long as usual, and Carrie found herself staring into space on more than one occasion. Finally 12:45pm arrived and she began to wind down what she was doing, finishing her coffee and having a quick check of her emails. Once again Jason’s name popped up on the screen sandwiched between mixtures of junk emails, but this time she didn’t delete the message, just hovered the curser over it, staring and trying to figure out what to do.
She loved her mum dearly but the thought of spending 2 weeks with her family, honestly filled her with dread. Sighing she closed down her screen, grabbing her things and heading out of the office to meet Leah, trying to push the email to the back of her mind for lunch at least.
Meeting outside Carrie’s work building, Carrie and Leah said a brief hello and embraced, before walking down the street to the local café. Grabbing a table they both ordered and for once Carrie felt famished. She normally took the option of a light salad or pasta for lunch which she never even finished and mainly ordered just to do something with her hands and not look out of place. Today hunger had got the better of her and she ordered a huge BLT sub and a large cola
. Leah looked at Carrie like she was an alien after hearing her order.
“Hungry?” she asked, a questionable look on her face
“Strangely yes, I’m starving today” she replied avoiding the look from Leah.
“So how are things in world Carrie?” Leah asked as the waiter bought over the drinks they had ordered and took a long sip from the straw in her lemonade.
“Things are a little strange at the moment actually. Jason turned up last night at my apartment”
“Holy shit Caz, really? What for? I mean what was that about?” Carrie used her straw to stir the ice in her cola, before taking a sip and sighing.
“My mum, is erm, well she wants the whole family to go on a holiday to Devon. He’s been trying to contact me for weeks but I’ve been avoiding him”
“So are you going to go?” Leah asked, while smiling up and giving the waiter a flirty glance as he placed their food orders on the table before thanking him. Leah was married and loved her husband dearly, but loved to flirt and receive attention to stop her feeling old and past it!
“I don’t think so, I mean work is hectic at the minute and I can’t really take the time off right now, plus I think it would be too weird to see them all after all this time. So how are things with you? How are the monsters?” Carrie replied, trying to divert the conversation away from the bombshell she had dropped about the holiday.
“The kids are good, driving me crazy as usual, but I wouldn’t be without them. To be brutally honest, having this day to myself once a week now they are all in school or nursery is heaven sent! I need some time to be Leah and not mummy” She picked up the chicken sub she had ordered and took a huge bite, closing her eyes and savouring the taste.
Carrie chuckled at how dramatic her best friend was. She knew Leah loved her kids dearly, but some days she acted like having a day away from them was like escaping prison, even though come to the end of it she would be pining for them.
Carrie was very envious of the life Leah had. She had the life that Carrie had dreamed about and had wanted before her life crashed and burned just over 2 years ago. Carrie and Ian had been happy and planning their future together and a family of their own and it was all lost so fast.
Pulling herself back together Carrie concentrated on her food and wolfed every bit of it on the plate, enjoying the feel of it easing the hunger in her tummy and making her feel at least physically a bit better. Downing her glass of coke before checking the time on her phone, and seeing she still had plenty of time left on her lunch break. The pair of them continued to share idle gossip and chit chat for the rest of the time in the café, before settling the bill and taking a slow walk back towards Carrie’s work building.
“So why do you think your mum wants this holiday Caz? It’s a bit out of the blue suddenly isn’t it?” Leah questioned, linking her arm with Carrie’s. Carrie sighed and took a deep breath, she was hoping Leah was going to have let this go but it seemed this conversation wasn’t over yet.
“She’s got cancer. I’m not sure exactly all of the details as I didn’t ask but its terminal it seems and she wants the whole family together”
“Oh my god Caz, that’s awful! I’m so sorry hun. Wait, but you’re not going to go?” Leah’s face turned from a shocked expression to one of concern.
“Leah you know how things are, I can’t just take back the last 2 years and I don’t think I can face everyone again now. I mean I love my mum don’t get me wrong, but my life is different now and I don’t want to face the past” Leah averted her eyes away from Carrie’s and stared at the floor
“Caz, I normally accept all your decisions and let you do what you think is best, but I need to say I think you’re making a bad choice here chick. If you don’t go, if you don’t see your mum...well I think you would end up regretting it” Her words stung Carrie, she knew she was right but she didn’t know if she was strong enough to face them all anymore.
“Leah I don’t think I can, I don’t think I could cope seeing mum again after all this time and then having to go through losing her. I’m better off here I think. Thank you for a wonderful lunch but I really have to go back to work”
Before Leah could argue or try and persuade her anymore Carrie gave her a kiss on the cheek and turned and walked as fast as she could without running, back inside the building; leaving Leah on the street looking sad and worried for her friend.
Before heading back to her office Carrie went to the ladies bathroom to pull herself together. She felt shaky and the guilt of the situation was eating away at her nerves making her feel sick. Once she had steadied herself she went straight to her office and turned on the screen. The unopened email she had left was now wide open and filling the entire screen, she must have knocked the mouse somehow before she left and staring at her was her mother.
Cursing to herself Carrie could not draw her eyes away from the frail image on the screen. As well as the details of the Devon trip, Jason had attached a photo to the email. It wasn’t clear when the photo was taken but Carrie guessed it must have been recent by her mother’s appearance.
What once was a strong and active woman, she had lost so much weight and looked so weak as if she would break, yet she still wore the same big smile she always had, never being a woman to give up.
Carrie had always admired her mother’s attitude toward life, however that was one of the things that had made Carrie run as she wasn’t like her mother and couldn’t carry on and forget how awful things were.
Carrie scanned the rest of the email at the details, and sighed thinking about what Leah had said to her and she decided to talk to her boss about the possibility of some time off. Not the full 2 weeks but maybe 2 days at most. She could go and pay her respects to her mother and ease the guilt, but at the same time hoping she could avoid a lot of the show down with her family.
Quickly bringing up google Carrie searched the location Jason had provided trying to find a nearby hotel so she didn’t need to stay at the same accommodation as her family. The more separated she could be the better, but not managing to pull up anything remotely close.
Sighing, she pushed up from her desk and walked to her manager’s office, checking she wasn’t in a meeting with her secretary before knocking.
Leanne Barnes was who Carrie strived to be. She was successful and at the top of her field in what felt like a male dominated industry, but she didn’t bat an eyelid to any of it. In fact she thrived on the competition and loved pulling off a deal over a male competitor. The advertising industry was a hard one but Leanne made sure she was at the top.
Motioning for Carrie to take a seat, Leanne quickly finished typing on her computer.
“Carrie my darling, what a pleasure! What can I do for you?” Leanne asked, leaning back in the black leather chair, crossing her legs and smiling across the table at Carrie. Carrie felt as if the room had suddenly shrunk. She never had asked for time off and however silly it was she wasn’t really sure how too.
“Erm, I err” stumbling over her words, Carrie stared at the floor and rang her hands together nervously.
“Is something wrong Carrie?” Leanne questioned learning forward and placing her arms on the desk, looking concerned.
“I erm, well I wanted to ask, and I totally understand If there is no chance, let me make that clear that I’m perfectly ok with a no answer, but erm I was wondering if there was a chance of having a couple of days off next week. I’m sorry it’s so short noticed and as I said I will understand if it’s not possible” Horrified at how terrible she had sounded, Carrie took a deep breath and began to wish she had thought more about this before walking into Leanne’s office. But knowing at the same time that if she had have left it longer to think, she would have talked herself out of it.
“Carrie my love, of course you can! If anyone here deserves some time off its most definitely you. Are you sure 2 days is enough? Are you going away?” Leanne physically began to relax again and started clicking the mouse at her computer, visibly calm
er after hearing Carrie’s question.
“My family are having a break away in Devon and I’ve been asked to join them. I have a lot of projects on at the moment so I will take my laptop and tablet with me as well as my phone to keep up with things, so I won’t get behind”
A sick feeling rose in Carrie’s throat at the thought of going on this trip but the plan of taking work with her to keep her occupied made her feel slightly better. Work would be a good excuse to take herself away from everything and hide in her room, and surely she would be able to easily get through 2 days.
“Oh how wonderful Carrie, that sounds delightful! Are they only having a 2 day stay? Devon is a beautiful place”
“Err 2 weeks actually but I don’t want to stay too long when I have work to be done” Carrie jumped at Leanne slapped the table and rose from her chair, walking around the desk and perching on the edge of it in front of Carrie.
“Carrie my darling, you are one of the hardest workers here, and it is my job to know what projects are underway. As usual you are way ahead of everything and everyone else, in fact you could probably take 6 months off and still most who work here would never catch up with you. Take the full 2 weeks starting Monday and no arguments. I will email down to HR and get them to arrange your holiday pay and book it all in. Go and enjoy yourself, you deserve the break” Smiling, Leanne stood back up and made her way to the door.
“Now if you would excuse me Carrie I have to get onto a conference call, but don’t worry about a thing! I will send that email off straight away”
Carrie had to mentally tell her mouth to shut as she stared blankly at Leanne, finding it all hard to take in, and assuming she had the look on her face like a stunned goldfish. Pulling herself together she quickly thanked Leanne and made her way back to her office. She wasn’t sure what she would do with the next 2 full weeks away from work, but what she did know was she would not be spending more than 2 days in Devon.