by Anne Mather
The stewardess did not wake her until they were landing at London Airport, and by then Toni felt totally numb.
CHAPTER NINE
MRS. MORRIS was astonished to see her. 'Why, Miss Morley,' she exclaimed, 'I understood you was to be away at least six months, didn't I?'
Toni sighed. It was very early in the morning. She had hung about the airport, giving her landlady time to get up and about, but she had not expected this almost cool welcome.
'The job folded,' said Toni dryly. 'What's wrong? Have you re-let the room?'
'No - at least, in a manner of speaking, miss.'
Toni felt overwhelmingly tired. 'What do you mean, Mrs. Morris? In a manner of speaking?'
Mrs. Morris folded her arms across her narrow chest. 'Well, it's like this, you see, miss: my daughter Sandra has left her husband. They've had a row, you know how it is with young people, and I've let her have your room.'
'I see.' Toni hunched her shoulders. 'I see. And my things?' There had been a few books and photographs, things she had kept for sentimental reasons after the house was sold on her parents' death.
'I put them in that big trunk, miss, in the cupboard under the stairs, like. I wasn't to know you'd come haring back without any notice, was I?' Her tone was slight belligerent now.
Toni felt awfully alone. Her room had always seemed like an oasis in a sea of troubles. Now even it had been taken away from her.
'No, Mrs. Morris,' she said wearily, 'you weren't to know.' She glanced round. 'Have you another room?'
'Not right now, I haven't. There's a gentleman in number ten, he might be moving out in a couple of days - you could have his room.'
'And until he does? What do you suggest I do?'
Mrs. Morris grunted. 'I'm sure I don't know, miss. Couldn't you go to a hotel or something? I mean, you just coming back from Portugal like that with everything found for you - you can't be exactly broke, can you, miss?'
Toni wanted to cry. She wanted to storm at Mrs. Morris and tell her she had no right to let her room without her permission when she was still paying for it, that she had no right to touch her things, pushing them into a trunk in a cupboard under the stairs. But she was much too tired and unhappy. Picking up her cases again, she shook her head and walked out of the door without another word. Mrs. Morris shouted after her:
'Do you want Mr. Bentley's room, then, if he goes?'
Toni did not look back. She felt like a displaced person and she was afraid if she spoke any more to Mrs. Morris she would break down altogether and make a complete ass of herself. So she walked away, caught a bus to Victoria Station and left her cases in the left luggage office while she went out to look for a job and for somewhere to live.
Late in the afternoon she found both. A young professional couple living in a flat in Bayswater required a nanny for their three-year-old daughter, Susan. The agency had already sent three nannies along, all of whom the Masons, as the couple were called, had found unsuitable. They wanted someone young, and Toni fitted the bill. She was employed on a trial basis for a period of one month, given quite a comfortable room of her own with a television set and her own bathroom, and only the child Susan to care for. Other staff were kept and Toni supposed it was quite a sinecure.
Indeed, in the days that followed, calm and comparatively happy days, she managed to restore some of her old confidence, and the Masons were not a difficult couple to work for. Diana Mason was a fashion model, and as she was quite startlingly good-looking, Toni thought with relief that her husband was hardly likely to take a fancy to Susan's nanny with such a glamorous creature for a wife. Despite her looks, Diana was warm and friendly, and it did not take her long to discover that her new governess was not as calm and well-organized as she might be. Something in Toni's wide, sometimes hurt eyes, told her that the girl had suffered some emotional upheaval, and recently. When tentatively questioned, Toni became silent and withdrawn, and Diana gave her a thoughtful appraisal, without probing any more deeply into the matter. Toni ; was relieved. She had no desire to bare her heart to anyone.
Susan was small, red-haired and good-natured in the main. Occasionally she threw paddies of rage, but they were only very occasional. Andrew Mason was a solicitor, with a thriving practice. They were a very well-ordered and well-balanced family, and Toni thanked her lucky stars for delivering her into their hands, so to speak. The atmosphere in the Masons' flat was soothing to her peace of mind, and within a couple of weeks she had settled down completely.
If she ever gave herself time to think about Raoul, it was with a feeling of dread that one day he might find her and take his revenge, but mostly she assumed that her departure had severed their connection completely. Sometimes she was tempted to ask Andrew Mason whether he had heard of the prosecution of Paul Craig by a Portuguese Count, and then she practically scoffed at her own stupidity. How could she ask a question like that?
And yet it troubled her not a little, and as the days passed and it stayed in her mind, she wondered whether if she phoned him she would be able to set her mind at rest.
One evening, while the Masons were at the theatre, she could stand it no longer, and finding his number in the phone book she dialled his flat. A girl answered, and Toni said: 'Is - is Paul Craig there?'
'Who's calling?' The girl sounded cool.
'A friend,' replied Toni shortly. 'Is he there?'
'Yes, he's here. Do you want to speak to him?'
Did she? Did she? Toni hesitated. 'I - er - yes, please.'
There was the sound of a muffled argument, and then Paul came on the line. 'Look, who is this?'
'It's me - Toni Morley.'
'Toni! Saints preserve us! Where the hell have you been?'
'Where have I been?' Toni gasped. 'You must know where I've been.'
'You disappeared, three weeks ago you disappeared!'
'How do you know?'
There was the sound of Paul gasping. 'How do I know? God help us, how do I know? I know - because I have had my dear uncle breathing fire down my ear ever since!'
'Raoul,' murmured Toni faintly.
'Raoul?' echoed Paul. 'So it's Raoul, is it?'
'Oh, stop it, Paul,' exclaimed Toni uncomfortably. 'But - but you must tell me: has - has your uncle threatened to prosecute you?'
'To prosecute me?' Paul sounded astounded. 'Hell, he's threatened practically every blasted thing - but prosecution? No! Why in God's name should he want to prosecute me? It's not my fault you disappeared!'
'No - but - the money! What about the money?'
'What money?'
'You know. The money Raoul gave you when you left Estrada.'
'Oh, that money!' Paul sounded pleased. 'Yes, never known old Raoul be so generous! He must have wanted to get rid of me pretty badly!'
Toni seemed to be getting nowhere. 'Is - has he gone back? To Portugal?'
'No, not yet. Why?'
'Just curious,' replied Toni, trembling a little.
'Hey, what's your address anyway?' exclaimed Paul swiftly. 'For heaven's sake, don't hang up without giving me your address!'
'Why?'
'For Uncle Raoul, of course. He wants - to see you.'
'Well, I don't want to see him,' replied Toni shortly. So he had been deceiving her all along. He had never had any intention of prosecuting Paul. 'Good-bye, Paul.'
'No - hey, Toni—' But Toni had replaced her receiver, and for a moment she sat staring at it, feeling that old yet familiar sense of apprehension assail her. Had she been a fool to come back to London, to somewhere he was bound to look for her, if that was really why he had come? She should have gone to Leeds, or Birmingham, or even Glasgow. Anywhere far away from his probing mind. It seemed that fate had been on her side when Mrs. Morris let her daughter have her room. Had she been there, he would have found her by now, and then - then - what?
The weather in England was getting much colder. Autumn had arrived with a vengeance, and the streets were littered with fallen leaves. Toni took Susan
to the Zoo, and they stood, muffled in thick coats and scarves watching the bears in the bear-pit. Toni found herself wondering what it would be like to have a child of her own to take to the Zoo. It would all depend, of course, on who might be the father of that child, and as she was never likely to get married now anyway, she supposed she would never know.
They arrived back at the Bayswater apartments in the late afternoon, their faces flushed with the cold. Diana was at home and let them in, smiling merrily.
'Oh, hi, darling,' she said to Susan. 'Did you have a good time?'
'Yes, Mummy, we saw all the animals,' said Susan excitedly, as Toni helped her off with her coat. 'Can we go again?'
'Maybe, darling, later. Toni, there's someone here to see you!'
Toni almost felt the blood drain out of her face, leaving her face defenceless, and strangely vulnerable. Diana caught her arm. 'Toni?' she exclaimed. 'What's wrong? What are you afraid of?'
Toni shook her head. 'Nothing - nothing. Who - who is it, Mrs. Mason?'
Diana frowned. 'Well, actually, darling, he says he's a count.'
Toni wanted to turn and run, and then the lounge door opened and Raoul stood there, just looking at her, and she knew her running days were over.
'Well, Toni,' he said huskily, 'at last I've found you!'
Diana looked from one to the other of them, and then taking Susan's resisting hand drew her away, and out of sight. Toni began to remove her coat, but the Conde said harshly: 'Wait, we will go out. We can't talk here!'
Toni bent her head, shivering in spite of the heat of the apartment, and he went to get his overcoat. When he came back he was wearing a thick astrakhan coat over hi? dark suit and looked disturbingly attractive. Toni saw he was thinner than she remembered, the lines on his face deeper and the scar more revealing.
Without speaking he ushered her out of the apartment, down the stairs and out into the darkening twilight of an October afternoon. They crossed the court before the block of luxury apartments and he opened the door of a dark green car which she recognized as being an Aston Martin. He helped her in, then walked round and slid in beside her. It was the first time they had been alone in a car together, and his thigh brushed hers, sending an electric vibration up her spine.
He set the car in motion, driving expertly out of the parking area and on to the main thoroughfare. Then he turned east, concentrating on the traffic. Toni had plenty of time to study him, and wonder just what his intentions were now.
Eventually he reached a small park near the river, drew the car into the parking area, and stopped. Then he drew out his cigarettes, offered her one, and when she refused, lit one for himself before speaking. When he did speak, his voice was a trifle thick.
'Why did you do it?' he muttered, staring at her intently.
'I suppose you mean - my leaving?'
'Of course!' His accent was more pronounced.
She shrugged. 'You know why, if you think about it. You had no intention of - of prosecuting Paul! You were just using that as a threat to keep me in Estrada!'
She looked blindly out of the car window, unable to speak about such things without becoming emotionally disturbed.
'Did you never wonder why I should go to such lengths to keep you there,' he exclaimed, half angrily. 'Toni, damn you, look at me!'
Toni continued to look out of the window. 'You told me why you were keeping me there, remember? I didn't have to wonder about that!'
'And you believed that of me?'
She swung round. 'What do you mean - I believed that of you? Of course I believed it! You meant it!'
He drew on his cigarette deeply. 'If I had meant it, do you imagine you would still be—' He swore angrily. 'Toni - I wanted you, God, how I wanted you! Do you imagine I would have denied myself as I have done if I really thought you were so-so - well, experienced?'
Toni's legs turned to water. 'What - what do you mean? Oh, I don't understand all this.'
'No,' he agreed tautly, 'you do not!'
She bent her head. Her hair was fastened in the knot on top of her head and the nape of her neck was bare and appealing. With a muffled exclamation, he bent his head, his mouth seeking that gentle curve. 'Oh, God, Toni,' he groaned, 'what have you done to me!'
Toni looked up as he straightened, seeing the naked passion in his eyes, 'Raoul?' she murmured brokenly, 'you're not making sense!'
'Am I not?' he exclaimed roughly, stubbing out his cigarette with hands which were not quite steady. Toni had never seen him like this before. He had always been so calm and detached, except when he was making love to her, and even then she had had the feeling he was merely allowing his passions to take the place of genuine emotion. 'What do you want me to say?' he muttered. 'Surely it's painfully obvious what is wrong with me!'
Toni shook her head. She wanted to believe what her own emotions were telling her was the truth, yet she couldn't. Too much had happened. Too many mistakes had been made. How could anything good come out of this tangle?
Raoul caught her by the shoulders. 'All right, all right,' he said, forcing himself to speak rationally. 'You deserve some explanation, I know. But first, please, tell me I was not wrong: you do love me a little, don't you, Toni?'
Toni's mouth was dry. 'Why - why should I give you that satisfaction?' she asked unsteadily.
'Por deus!' he muttered, pulling her savagely towards him. 'This is why!'
His mouth fastened on hers with violent passion, all his pent-up emotions destroying his natural reservations. He had kissed her before, but never with such feeling, his body trembling in her arms. His fingers tore the pins out of her hair so that it fell in silky glory about her shoulders, and he buried his face in its softness. 'You see how it is with me,' he said thickly. 'This is like nothing I have ever known before. I love you, I need you, I can't live without you! I've been half out of my mind these last weeks not knowing where you were, who you were with!'
Toni tried to be sensible. 'You - you've been looking for me?' she murmured tentatively.
'Searching for you,' he amended grimly, drawing back to look at her. 'As I have been searching since the day you left!'
'But why? Why? Why couldn't you just let me go? You have Laura—'
'Do not mention Laura's name to me!' he said coldly. 'We have discovered we have nothing in common!' She sensed the hauteur in his voice, and shivered a little. 'She spoke to you, did she not, the day you left Estrada?'
Toni nodded her head.
'Louisa revealed that she had paid you a visit. It was strange that she should leave before my mother and Francesca returned. I have seen Laura and have had the truth from her!'
For a moment, Toni pitied Laura. She had believed she had so much, yet she had nothing.
'How - how did you find me?' she asked.
He looked at her, his dark eyes savage. 'In a moment. First, I must explain a few things. I must begin that day in Lisbon, when I almost knocked you down with my car. I was so angry with you, and you were so - well, different from the women of my acquaintance. I was attracted to you, and I half believed you were attracted to me!' He drew out his cigarettes and lit one before continuing. 'You may not believe this, but the following day I went to your hotel to inquire about you. When I discovered you had gone, I was furiously angry with myself for not attempting to see you earlier.' His eyes narrowed. 'The owner told me your name was Senhorita Morley, Senhorita Antonia Morley!'
'Then you knew—'
'Right from the beginning! When I found you at Estrada posing as Paul's fiancee, I was incensed. I had thought you - well, above that kind of escapade. Then when Laura told me she had seen you at the de Calles' I was even more curious.'
'Was that why - you went to Lisbon?'
'Yes. Only to come back and find you ill, after the accident! You cannot conceive my feelings at that time. I wanted to hurt you, badly, not only for deceiving me, but for proving to be - or so I thought - the kind of woman to play around with a man like Miguel de Calle!'
&n
bsp; 'But that was never true!' exclaimed Toni desperately.
'I know that now. But I will come to that later. At that time I was only concerned with the facts, as I saw them, and they added up to a pretty miserable picture. It was then, when I saw you lying there, so helpless and alone, that I realized my feelings for you were more than mere desire for your body!' Toni's checks burned. 'So I decided to teach you a lesson, and in the process discover for myself whether you were as black as you had been painted! I knew when I touched you you were not indifferent to me, and maybe some inner sense warned me you could not be the woman I thought you. In any event, I had to keep you at the castelo, to see you, to speak with you, to spend time with you. If, by threatening you with the kind of relationship you were afraid of I could punish you, I was human enough to do so. I had been hurt, and this was a new experience for me.'
'So you made me Francesca's governess.'
He half-smiled. 'An inspiration, believe me.'
'And Paul?'
The smile disappeared. 'Laura told you about Elise?'
'Yes.'
'Then you will understand my feelings towards Paul. Elise and I were not lovers, in the truest sense of the word, we were friends who lived together. It was for Francesca that I fought for our marriage.' He shrugged. 'Paul was not serious, I could see that, but Elise would not believe me.' He sighed. 'But that is in the past now. What matters is our future, Toni!' He stubbed out the cigarette. 'I used Paul, I admit it, to keep you at Estrada, but only because I was afraid you might leave me, despite your real feelings. You - you do love me, Toni?'
Toni ran her tongue over her dry lips. 'Yes, I love you,' she said tightly. 'But I'll never live with you!'
Even in the gloom, she could see the haggard expression her words brought to his face. 'Deus,' he muttered, 'why? Toni, why?'
'I - I'm only human, too,' she whispered. 'I want a home, a real home with a real relationship. Children!'
'And these are things I cannot offer you? Is that it?'