by Julie Cannon
She wheeled Kelly inside and glanced around. The requisite black plastic chairs were scattered around the waiting room, two or three of them filled with people who appeared to be napping. She hurried to the receptionist sitting behind bulletproof glass. Bulletproof glass? This was an emergency room, not a battle zone, she thought just before the young woman looked up.
“Dr. Reed told us to come in,” Barrett said, somehow taking control. “Kelly Ryan, having a baby.”
“Yes, Miss Ryan, we’ve been expecting you. Congratulations. Come right through.” The woman pointed to a set of green double doors that immediately swung open. Barrett started through when a nurse in purple scrubs stepped forward.
“I’ll take her now,” she said, reaching for the handles of the chair. “You need to wait here until we get her all settled.”
“No,” Barrett and Kelly said in unison, obviously too forceful if the nurse’s reaction was any indication.
“Please,” Kelly said. “I need her with me.”
The nurse looked at Barrett as if deciding whether she was worth breaking the rules for. Before she had a chance to decide, another nurse came hurrying down the hall.
“It’s okay, Tammy,” she said to the nurse who was obviously perturbed at the bending of the rules. “Dr. Reed left orders that Ms. Taylor can stay the entire time.”
Kelly visibly relaxed, and Barrett traded the handle of the wheelchair for Kelly’s hand as they walked down the hall.
The nurses expertly shifted Kelly from the wheelchair to the bed in the labor and delivery room. A new set of nurses came in, each one repeating the same actions and questions as the previous two, one starting an IV in her left hand, the other attaching a fetal monitor around Kelly’s stomach. Kelly had another contraction, and as she squeezed her hand Barrett watched the monitor on the screen over her head. It was similar to the monitor in the hospital in Panama, except in place of a bouncing yellow line, it was green. The nurse made a few notes on her chart, and the door opened. Dr. Reed finally came in.
“Well, Kelly, it looks like this little girl is tired of waiting. Barrett, it’s good to see you again,” she said, shaking Barrett’s hand. “Relax.” Dr. Reed had a kind smile. “She’s going to be fine. Women have been giving birth for thousands of years.”
Barrett didn’t find that very comforting, because none of them had been Kelly. She didn’t say anything, just smiled back and nodded.
“Let’s see where this little girl is.” Dr. Reed lifted the sheet covering Kelly’s knees, and one gloved hand disappeared under the sheet, the other moving around on the top of Kelly’s stomach. Dr. Reed’s head turned to the side, a look of concentration on her face as if she was imagining the position of the baby.
“Okay, she said, pulling her hands back and tossing her gloves in the hazmat trash. “You’re doing good, Kelly. You’re about six centimeters, which means it’ll be a little bit longer.” Barrett must have moaned because she smiled and said, “You’ll be fine too.” She turned back to Kelly. “However, she’s breech. I’ll be back in about ten minutes and we’ll see if we can get her turned to the south. If not—”
“I’ll need a C-section.”
Dr. Reed patted Kelly on the leg. “Let’s cross that bridge if we get there, okay? I’ll be right back.”
“Do you want me to call your parents?” Barrett asked after Dr. Reed left he room.
“No.” Kelly’s decision was firm and not open for discussion.
“Ariel?”
Kelly shook her head this time.
“Okay. Anybody you want me to call?”
“No,” Kelly said quietly.
“Okay, can I get you anything?” Barrett wasn’t sure what she was supposed to be doing, if anything. It seemed a little odd for her to just sit there and wait when Kelly was doing all the work.
“Just don’t leave me.”
“Never.” Kelly had another contraction. She grabbed Barrett’s hand and grimaced in pain, and it was all Barrett could do not to fall to her knees and beg Kelly for forgiveness.
Chapter Twenty-four
“I told you she’d be beautiful,” Barrett said, handing the baby to Kelly in the delivery room. Holding something so tiny made her nervous. It didn’t make sense. Her briefcase often weighed twice as much as this five-pound, tightly wrapped, pink-faced bundle, but Barrett was afraid she’d drop her anyway.
Alexandra McKayla Ryan had made her entrance screaming bloody murder just before lunch. Kelly had insisted Barrett cut the cord, and every minute of the entire experience had fascinated her. With Alexandra in the nursery and Kelly in her room for some much-needed rest, Barrett collapsed on the hard plastic chair in the cafeteria. A plate of spaghetti sat in front of her, and she held a steaming cup of coffee.
She hadn’t had a minute to think since Kelly woke her less than twelve hours ago. Watching Kelly suffer and strain were the longest hours of her life. Fear, joy, panic, terror, anxiety, and elation fought for space in her brain, heart, and stomach. She was alternately bursting with joy then overcome with nausea. Her brain froze, yet she captured every second as if it were recorded on video. The miracle of childbirth didn’t even begin to describe what she’d experienced.
How had she never given any thought to what it took to have a child? She’d been buried in her job and her life and had completely disregarded anything and everything else. Barrett pushed the plate away and dropped her head on the table, ashamed of how shallow she’d been.
“May I join you?”
Barrett lifted her head and looked up at a white lab coat, past a tray containing a salad and a carton of milk, and into the inquiring face of Dr. Reed. Barrett sat up and slid her tray to the other side of the table, making room for the doctor’s.
“So, how are you holding up?” Dr. Reed asked, using her teeth to open the salad-dressing package.
“Why ask me? I didn’t do all the work. I didn’t do anything but stand there and hold her hand.” And it was the best job she’d ever had. Dr. Reed chuckled.
“You’ve got a point there,” she said. “Sometimes it’s harder on the one who has to watch. It’s difficult watching someone you love in pain. Even if she’s having your child.” The crisp lettuce snapped as she stuck her fork in a piece.
“It’s not my child and I’m not in love with Kelly,” Barrett said, her gut full of knots. Actually, Barrett thought, it was her child. Her fault the child was here in the first place.
“That’s not what I see.”
“No offense, Doctor, but maybe you need to clean your glasses.” Dr. Reed chuckled even louder.
“Forgive me,” she said, between laughing and taking a bite of her lunch, “if I overstep, but I’ve found life’s too short.”
“Too short for what?”
“Denial.”
“I beg your pardon?” This conversation was completely confusing Barrett. “I’m sorry. I know I’m tired, but what are you talking about?” Barrett had no clue why they were discussing this. She’d met Dr. Reed exactly three times when she took Kelly in for her weekly checkups. It wasn’t as if they were the best of friends or even knew each other slightly. She was Kelly’s doctor, for God’s sake, not hers.
“You and Kelly.”
“There is no me and Kelly.” However, Kelly’s kiss last night—jeez, was it only last night—might say otherwise.
“If you say so.” Dr. Reed wiped her mouth and drank a few swallows of her milk.
“Yes, I do.” Barrett was adamant that there would be no “me and Kelly.” Kelly had recently come home and had just had a baby, for crying out loud. She needed to take a lesbian lover like she needed another six months in hell.
Dr. Reed finished her breadstick. “I checked on Kelly and the baby before I came down.”
Barrett’s heart jumped into her throat and stayed there. “Is something wrong?”
Dr. Reed smiled yet again and looked at Barrett. “No, nothing at all. Just routine. Alexandra is a beautiful name. Does it have any spe
cial significance?”
“Not that I know of. I didn’t know Kelly had settled on one.” And why had it been a secret?
Dr. Reed glanced at her watch. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to run. Kelly will be here another day or two, and if there are no complications, which I don’t anticipate, then she and the baby can go home.”
“Thank you, Dr. Reed.”
Before she stood Dr. Reed said, “You’ve got a beautiful woman and a beautiful, healthy child. Don’t let them slip away, Barrett.”
Shit. That was twice in less than twenty-four hours she’d been told not to let Kelly slip through her fingers. Was everybody insane? Instead of the flu, they’d caught the love bug. Give me a break. The only way she was keeping Kelly was out of a sense of obligation and responsibility for her. No way was she going to further complicate Kelly’s life. And she certainly wasn’t going to fuck it up either.
Alexandra had other ideas than sleeping on the way home. She cried the entire way, and Barrett had to pull over so Kelly could nurse her for a few minutes. It still embarrassed her when Kelly lifted her shirt and pulled Alexandra to her breast. Breast-feeding was perfectly natural, but she felt like a prude if she turned away and a pervert because she didn’t want to.
Kelly’s breast had gone from being sexual to functional. What happened when women who breast-fed had sex? Did her partner get a mouthful of milk? Did her body know it was time to shut down the milk factory? Did new mothers even have sex? She’d learned from one of the many magazines she’d read that between breast-feeding, laundry, and sleeping only a few hours at a time, if they were lucky, new mothers were completely exhausted. She wondered if there really was a physical reason for the no-sex-for-six-weeks rule or if the new mother just needed rest.
Good God, why was she thinking about these things? When had her life gone from mergers and acquisitions to diapers and baby wipes? It had happened the minute she left Kelly behind.
“Barrett? Kelly said, touching Barrett’s arm. “We’re here.”
Barrett jumped as if Kelly’s hand was a hot poker. She was strung pretty tight today. “Oh, yeah, right,” she said, pulling into the drive and turning off the car. She jumped out of the car and hurried over to the passenger side to help Kelly out. She was still a little wobbly and in pain. She hadn’t needed a C-section, but Alexandra had needed some help.
Grabbing Kelly in one arm and the baby in the other, Barrett walked toward her front door. She felt like she was looking down, an observer on the scene, and she didn’t recognize herself. She was being kind and gentle only because Kelly needed her to be, not because it would get her something. They looked like any other young couple bringing home their baby for the first time. A new life beginning for all of them. She could see herself in this role for a while. She was uncomfortable yet somehow it just felt right. Her view from above was certainly different than the view on the ground.
Chapter Twenty-five
“Are we going to talk about it?”
The it had been hovering around them for weeks. The it was the direction her life would go. The it was the direction Kelly’s life would turn. The it was life-defining. It was the biggest, most important decision in her life.
“Kelly, I…” Barrett began before Kelly raised her hand. Barrett’s stomach was in knots and her hands started shaking so bad she thought she might drop the baby. If she wasn’t already sitting down her knees would probably be shaking too. As it was, she rocked a little faster. She had no idea what Kelly was going to say, and as she watched her sit calmly on the couch she tensed.
“If you’re going to stick with your position that I don’t know what I’m doing, that it’s transference or hormones, you’re an idiot and you can just leave. If you don’t want the responsibility of this—” Kelly waved her hands around the room. The stack of diapers had tipped over, the pile of baby clothes on the couch needed to be folded, and a blanket with spit-up on the corner lay in a heap on the floor, “then leave. If you can only see me as a victim for whom you owe something, then just leave. I don’t want or need your pity or your ridiculous sense of obligation.
“Yes, I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been through hell and I have a child. But I am well on my way out the other side and I’ll come out stronger because of you. If you think you’re to blame for all of this, then yes, you are. Because of you I was able to find the strength to go on. Because of you I found the courage to face the past and embrace the future. Because of you I have a life I never expected. Because of you, Barrett. But if you leave I’ll still be like this. I’ll still be strong. If you leave I’ll be fine, Alexandra and I will be fine. Will I love another woman? I don’t know. I didn’t fall in love with a woman, Barrett. I fell in love with you. It’s your decision. I’ve already made mine.”
Barrett could only sit, stunned as Kelly crossed to her. She didn’t make eye contact or even touch her as she lifted Alexandra from her arms and left the room. She didn’t know what to do, how to act, what to say. She had no point of reference for this. These feelings, this desire, this want was something she had never experienced. She wanted Kelly, that was a given, but she wanted her in her life, not only in her bed, and she wanted it every day.
Could she live up to Kelly’s expectations? Could she live up to her own? Would she be a good mother? What would happen with her company? Did she sell it to Debra or telecommute? How could she leave Kelly and the baby for weeks at a time like her job currently demanded? Would Kelly move to San Francisco? Would she move to Denver? Could she be faithful to one woman? Did she know how?
If Kelly was willing to try, so was she. Barrett scrambled out of the chair and followed her.
Kelly was covering Alexandra with a light blanket, and Barrett hovered just outside the door. “Is she asleep?” Her voice sounded odd, a mixture of nerves and hesitation.
“Yes,” Kelly replied looking at her watch. She turned on the baby monitor next to Alexandra’s bed. “She should sleep several hours.” Alexandra had been home for three weeks and had quickly adapted to an easy routine.
“She’s a good baby,” Barrett said. Kelly looked at her as if she had just claimed to have found the way to ensure world peace. “I mean that she’s a good sleeper.” She was going from bad to worse fast. Kelly pulled Alexandra’s bedroom door almost closed and walked into her bedroom. Barrett wasn’t sure if she should follow Kelly but instinctively knew she had to do something. She was stalling and stammering like a virgin. But then again, wasn’t that what she was in an ironic sort of way. She had never made love to a woman she loved, and the pressure to please Kelly was daunting.
“What are you doing, Barrett?” Kelly asked, turning to look at her where she stood in the doorway.
“Excuse me?”
“I asked what you were doing. Are you going to stand there and look at me, or do you have something to say? Because I’ve got things to do.”
Kelly stood next to the bed, a pillow in her hand. The warm afternoon sun scissored through the half-opened blinds on either side of the large unmade bed.
“Kelly, I…” Barrett stopped mid-sentence. Not because she didn’t know what to say but because Kelly was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen and she couldn’t speak. Words almost seemed inadequate to describe the strength, wisdom, kindness, and sheer inner beauty embodied in front of her.
All the pieces fell into place, pieces she hadn’t even realized had been missing in her life. She loved Kelly. She had nothing in her life to compare it to, but she knew without a doubt that she loved her.
Kelly’s eyes darkened as Barrett approached her. She stopped so close to Kelly, their breasts were almost touching. Speckles of green and brown she’d never noticed before danced in Kelly’s eyes and something else. Something familiar, yet very, very new. Desire.
Her hands shook as she cupped Kelly’s face and slowly pulled her lips closer. The lips, the ones that made her pulse race and her brain stop with just one kiss. The lips that she desperately wanted to feel on hers again,
on her nipple, on her everywhere.
“Kelly…”
“No more excuses, Barrett. Either take me now or leave.” Kelly’s voice was barely above a whisper.
“You didn’t give me a chance to finish.” Barrett traced the outline of Kelly’s lips with the tip of her thumb. “Kelly, I love you, and I love your daughter. Nothing would make me happier than to change diapers, clean up barf, and raise Alexandra as ours for the rest of my life.”
Barrett watched as understanding and joy filled Kelly’s face. Finally, after so many nights alone, so many days empty of what truly mattered, she felt like she had truly come home. And as Alexandra slept through the night for the first time, they didn’t.
The End
About the Author
Julie Cannon is a corporate suit, a partner, mom, sister, friend, and writer. Julie and Laura, her partner of twenty-one years, have lived in at least a half a dozen states, and have an unending supply of dedicated friends.
Julie has eleven books published by Bold Strokes Books. Her first novel, Come and Get Me, was a finalist for the Golden Crown Literary Society’s Best Lesbian Romance and Debut Author Awards, and in 2014 I Remember was a winner for Best Lesbian Romance. In 2012 her ninth novel, Rescue Me, was a finalist as Best Lesbian Romance from the prestigious Lambda Literary Society. Julie has also published five short stories in Bold Strokes anthologies.
Books Available from Bold Strokes Books
Because of You by Julie Cannon. What would you do for the woman you were forced to leave behind? (978-1-62639-199-4)
The Job by Jove Belle. Sera always dreamed that she would one day reunite with Tor. She just didn’t think it would involve terrorists, firearms, and hostages.(978-1-62639-200-7)
Making Time by C.J. Harte. Two women going in different directions meet after fifteen years and struggle to reconnect in spite of the past that separated them. (978-1-62639-201-4)