Ross glanced over at her. “That’s for Zane to tell you, not me. Ask him.”
She nodded, tears burning in her eyes as Luke finally turned around to face Zane. His jaw was thrust out, and he looked hostile and angry, but his earnest gaze was riveted on Zane’s face, as if he were inhaling every word Zane spoke.
It was clear there was a deep connection between the two, and this time, Taylor didn’t need to turn away to protect herself from her own emotions. She watched them, her heart aching for the depth of caring so evident in the way Zane was talking to Luke. He was such a good man, so caring, so different from how he pretended to be. “It looks like they’re talking. They might be a while,” she said, hoping she was right. She had a feeling Luke needed Zane in a big way. “How about a tour while we wait?”
Ross smiled back, and in his eyes, she saw decades of wisdom, kindness, and understanding, the kind of patient man it would take to work with kids who carried trouble on their backs. Suddenly, all the lies she’d been telling herself about the importance of her work were shattered. Ross and Zane were the ones making a difference. They were the ones giving hope and opportunity to kids who had no one else. She did what? Sat in boardrooms talking about how a company could earn more money? God, no, she couldn’t think like that. She had to live her life. She couldn’t see it for what it was, or she’d never survive it.
“Sure thing, Taylor,” Ross said, jerking her back to the present. “It’s not much, but we do what we can.” He led the way, and she hurried across the cement floor, glancing back just in time to see Zane hug Luke.
Her throat tightened, and she turned away. Zane wasn’t the man she’d thought he was, an isolated loner who didn’t connect with anyone. He wasn’t the man he’d claimed he was, either. He was the man she’d feared he might be, the kind of man who could never accept her for who she was. He was the kind of man she could really fall for…and lose.
She had to let him go. She had to. She couldn’t play this temporary game with him anymore, not now that she’d seen the side of him he’d kept hidden so well.
But as she followed Ross up a set of narrow, metal stairs, she realized she didn’t want to let him go. It was too late. It was too late.
Chapter 9
Zane knew he was cranky. He knew he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to have any kind of constructive discussion, but by the time he and Taylor walked into his apartment, he was too pissed to hold it in.
He shoved the door open, no longer caring about how small his place would look to Taylor. He didn’t give a shit about the peeling paint on the walls or the mismatched chairs and kitchen table that had come with the place. He’d gotten the place to prove a point, even though he could have bought a damned ranch with the money from his earnings. He’d felt the need to be in this kind of place after he’d walked away from the spotlight. He’d been prepared for Taylor to hate it and walk out, and he’d been planning to let her, but now, he didn’t even care what she thought of it. They were way past that.
He slammed the door shut behind her and leaned against it, folding his arms, anger building inside him as he watched her walk into the middle of the one bedroom apartment, slowly turning around as she inspected it. “It’s not exactly high fashion,” she said, “but I’m impressed with how clean it is. I was expecting some typical bachelor pad, but it’s immaculate.” She turned toward him. “What exactly was I supposed to hate about it?”
“What’s going on?” He didn’t mean to snap the question, but he was tired and felt like shit from going to the Garage today. “You’ve shut down ever since the Garage. Dinner was like trying to twist answers from you. I’m tired, and I don’t want to deal with this. You don’t like the kids? You think they’re shit just because they don’t have money? You think it’s a waste of time to try to help them? That they’ll all end up like Brad, dead after some bad choice, because they have no parents to guide them? A waste of the earth’s resources?”
He spat the words that he’d heard so many times, unable to keep the venom out of his voice. He wasn’t a kid anymore, but he’d never stop being one of those kids, and the words still felt like a personal insult every time he heard them, because they were. He didn’t have to take that kind of shit anymore, and he didn’t, but as hell was his witness, he never thought Taylor was the type who’d say them. Some people, he expected to feel that way, and he wasn’t disappointed when they proved him wrong.
He realized, too late, that he’d had faith in Taylor, and he was shocked that she was like the others. It pissed him off that he was wrong about her. He felt like she’d betrayed him, and that made him even more angry. Not that she’d betrayed him, but that he’d let himself trust enough that she could make him feel like this.
Her eyes widened, and she stared at him. “What?”
“Just say it.” He shoved himself off the door and tossed his bag on the ratty couch. “Just admit what you were thinking when you walked in there. The minute we got in there, you shut down.” He stalked over to her. He couldn’t believe how pissed he was. He hadn’t expected her to be like that. He hadn’t even considered it as a possibility, but he shouldn’t have been surprised. He knew what to expect from people, and her nice rental and well-mannered ways should have told him what she was like. She’d just been so real. He’d believed in her, and he didn’t believe in many people. “I’m surprised you didn’t demand I take you to a hotel tonight, although you can probably guess there aren’t a lot of luxury accommodations in this town.”
“Hey.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “I completely understand that you’re going through something really difficult right now, but it’s not fair to strike out at me—”
“Strike out?” He ran his hand through his hair. “I know what it’s like when a man strikes out, and I’ve had the broken bones to prove it. I’m not lashing out. I’m pissed, and I’m calling it like it is. I have no time for this crap.”
“What crap?” She put her hands on her hips, her eyes flashing with anger. “You think I looked down on those boys because they’re poor, and come from broken homes? Is that what you really think of me?”
“Yeah, I—” He stopped mid-sentence at the expression on her face. There was something about the outrage in her eyes that made him pause. It wasn’t indignant anger. There was something else there. Hurt? Vulnerability? “Isn’t that what’s going on?” he asked, hesitating ever so slightly. “You shut down. I know you did.” He searched his mind for anything else that had happened, but he couldn’t think of any other explanation. “You were fine, completely wrapped around me before we went in, and after I talked with Luke, you put up a wall so fast I couldn’t have gotten through it with a jackhammer. If it’s not the boys, what is it?”
“It’s not—” She paused, her face stricken.
A cold chunk of ice settled in his gut at her refusal to answer. “It was the boys, wasn’t it?” He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice. “You think they’re dangerous and should be in juvie instead of someone giving them computers, don’t you?”
Wordlessly, she shook her head, and suddenly he saw tears shimmering in her eyes. His anger stalled out instantly, and he stopped, staring at her, his heart clenching at the pain in her eyes. Shit. What was going on? “What? Tell me what it is.”
She let out her breath, staring past him at a spot on the wall. “My whole life, I’ve loved kids,” she said softly. “All I ever wanted was to be a teacher, and I wanted a dozen kids of my own. I’m an only child, and my mom died when I was little, and my dad was always working, so I grew up in a quiet house. I hated it. It felt so lonely, which is why I wound up hanging out at Mira’s all the time.”
Zane’s fists unclenched, and he rocked back on his heels, trying to wrap his mind around the story she was telling. “You didn’t have a mom?” He’d figured her for a perfect childhood, not a one-parent household like he’d had. Well, he’d had more like a sliver of one parent, and that was on his mom’s good days. He’d hadn’t spent much ti
me at the Stockton hellhole once his mom had ditched the old man, but he’d been screwed no matter which parent he was with.
“No.” Taylor dropped her bag on the floor. It landed with a soft thump, and she walked over to the window, staring out at the landing of his apartment. Her only view was the parking lot and another tenement apartment building across the street, but that didn’t seem to bother her. “I got married a week after I graduated from college. Dan Parker. He wanted a family as much as I did. We got jobs as teachers in the same school district. It was perfect.”
Dan Parker. The name of the man she’d given herself to. Zane took a deep breath, trying to let go of the sudden surge of jealousy. Taylor wasn’t his, and he had no claim on her, not her present, not her future, and certainly not her past. “What happened?”
She looked back at him, and there was a single tear trickling down her cheek. “I can’t have children. I had an infection when I was a little girl.” She shrugged. “I didn’t know. Dan was mad. He said I should have known, and that I misled him.”
Zane swore softly. “Bastard.”
His reply made her laugh, a teary, heart-wrenching laugh that hurt to hear. “We talked about adopting. He said he’d be okay with it.” She shrugged again, a casual gesture that was a total lie. “And then he got one of the other teachers pregnant, and he left me for her. He said he could never love a woman who was broken.”
“Broken?” Outrage began to pour through him. “He said you were broken?”
She held out her hands. “I am,” she said quietly. “Everyone at the school knew what had happened. I…couldn’t stay there. I left the school. I couldn’t be a teacher and look at all those children I could never have. I found a corporate job, and I got away.”
He stalked across the room and grasped her shoulders. “He’s an idiot,” he said. “And a scumbag.”
She met his gaze, ignoring his comment. “Since then, I’ve kept it light. I didn’t get serious with guys, not enough to talk about the long term. But there was one man who got under my skin. We started to get serious. I was falling in love with him, and he said he was, too. He was talking about getting married, so I had to tell him. He said it was fine, that he didn’t care, that we could adopt or not have kids. I was so happy.” She managed a half-smile. “Then a couple months later, one of his friends had a baby, and he said it made him realize that he wasn’t willing to give up on the chance for a biological family. He was too young to settle. If he didn’t find anyone in a few years, then maybe we could try again.” She looked at him. “Do you know how much that hurts, Zane? To be told by the man I loved that I should try him again in a few years and if he was desperate enough, maybe he’d be willing to settle for me?” She shook her head. “I believed in him, and I was so wrong.”
His fingers tightened on her arms. “You have shitty luck to find two guys who believe that. Not all men are like that—”
“In their hearts they are. It’s human nature.” She met his gaze. “I won’t take that future away from a man, because someday he’ll resent it, and he’ll hate me for it.” There were tears shimmering in her eyes. “I wasn’t expecting to see all the kids there today. I wasn’t prepared. Sometimes it hits me hard, you know? I’ve worked really hard to create a great career and a fulfilling life, and it’s enough for me, but sometimes…” She shrugged. “I’m sorry. I just let it get to me.” She met his gaze. “Those boys are beautiful,” she whispered. “Every single one of them deserves the world.”
He saw the honesty in her eyes, and her voice was soft with the kind of genuine passion that could never be faked, and he knew she was telling the truth. She believed in those boys as much as he did, but he’d misinterpreted her response completely. He’d judged her the way he hated to be judged by others. He swore at himself, disgusted by how he’d treated her. “I’m such a bastard,” he said softly. “I’m so sorry for what I said to you. I had no idea—”
She shook her head, putting her finger across his lips. “No, no apologies. How would you have known?”
He wrapped his hand around hers and pressed a kiss to her fingertips. “I have a huge chip on my shoulder when it comes to being poor and from the undesirable part of society,” he said. “I shouldn’t have judged you like that just because I have issues. I’m sorry. Really.”
She smiled, watching him trail kisses across her palm, tears still glistening on her cheeks. “You and me,” she said softly. “No wonder we connect. We’re both a mess.”
“You’re not a mess.” He slipped his hands around her waist and tugged her against him. His body relaxed when he felt the heat of her body against his. “But I’m not going to deny that I’m an insensitive, judgmental bastard.”
A small, tearful laugh escaped her, and she laced her fingers behind his neck, gazing up at him. “If you could have seen the way you were interacting with those boys today, you would never be able to call yourself an insensitive, judgmental bastard. It was beautiful.” Her blue eyes shined with warmth that seemed to wrap around him.
No one had ever said anything like that to him. Ever. They’d praised his skill with the bulls. They’d coveted his bank account. They’d ogled his body. And before that, they’d ridiculed his old clothes and boots. They’d scorned everything about him, and the girls had wanted him only to shock their families or make their boyfriends jealous. No one had ever, ever, looked at him and seen anything real that was worth saving.
Until Taylor.
“Thank you.” He bent his head and kissed her, brushing his lips over hers in the only way he knew how to tell her what it meant.
She sighed and leaned into him, welcoming the kiss. Her lips were responsive and warm, encircling him with a sense of belonging he wasn’t accustomed to having. With a low growl, he tightened his arms around her and deepened the kiss. Her breasts were crushed against his chest, and his palms were tight on her hips. Still kissing her, he ran his hands over the curve of her ass, jamming his hands in the back pockets of her jeans and pressing her against him.
She tasted amazing. Pure, fresh, with a hint of something darker and sexier.
They were alone now.
No one was going to walk in.
No one was going to stop them.
He broke the kiss, his lips whispering against her ear. “I want to take you to bed,” he whispered. “My bed. No rules. Just us.”
She didn’t answer, but she pressed a kiss to his throat, and tightened her arms around his neck. He smiled to himself as he scooped her up, wrapping her legs around his hips as he carried her across the small room to the tiny bedroom off the back. “Sometime,” he said between kisses, “I want you to actually tell me that you want me with your words. I can read between the lines with you now, but it’s okay to admit you want this, you know?”
“No, it’s not.” She pulled back to look at him, her hands still loosely linked behind his neck as he carried her. “If I say I want it, then it’s harder to deny that it matters to me. I need to protect myself, Zane.”
His heart tightened at the pain in her voice as he lowered her to the bed. She fell back into the pillows, and he lowered himself on top of her before she could scoot away, using his weight to pin her to the bed. “You don’t need to protect yourself from me, Taylor.” Damn, it felt good to have her beneath him. Kissing her in a vertical position had been good, but there was nothing like the sensation of being tangled up with her along the entire length of their bodies.
She laid her hand on his cheek, her eyes searching his. It was dark out, but the streetlights gave just enough illumination for him to see her. “But I do, Zane. You affect me in a way that makes me vulnerable to you.”
Satisfaction pulsed through him, and he turned his head into her hand, pressing a kiss to her palm. “I’m not going to lie to you, darlin’,” he said, as he kissed the inside of her wrist. “I don’t want anything from any woman, and I don’t want a relationship, but I can’t help it that I absolutely fucking love the fact I affect you.” He caught h
er lips in his before she could answer.
He didn’t want to say anything more. He didn’t want to make promises, or ask for something which would never fit into his life. He didn’t want her vulnerability to bring out some delusional knight-in-shining-armor side of him that he could never deliver on. She’d run into enough bastards, and she didn’t need him adding to it by making promises he could never keep.
But he needed her. He needed her kiss, her companionship, and her support.
She broke the kiss. “I’m not staying forever, Zane. We don’t have a future.” Her voice was desperate, as if she were trying to remind herself of that, not just him.
“No one really has a future,” he said. “No one knows whether they have a tomorrow.” He tangled his fingers in her hair. “You’re the first woman who has mattered to me in a long time,” he said. “Maybe ever. You’re sure as hell the first one I’ve ever trusted, so, yeah, I don’t really care what might or might not happen someday. I just don’t want to miss out on this moment with you, the one we have right now.”
She searched his face. “I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to let go of the forever and the future. I just worry that I’ll get my heart broken, or that I’ll let you down, or that it will be too hard to leave, or that—”
He kissed her, hard, deeply, cutting off her words. He had long ago given up any thoughts of a future, because every one that he could envision sucked. It was better to just be in the present and take it day by day, because then he had a chance to breathe. Anything was endurable in the present. It was when he thought of doing it for a lifetime that it became too much.
He didn’t want to think about the future with Taylor, because the future was like trying to hold sand between his fingers. It just slid out of reach, every time, with steady, relentless ruthlessness. But this moment, her kiss, her body…it was real. It was something he could hold onto for the rest of his life.
With a sigh, Taylor wrapped her arms around his neck. He could tell the moment she gave up resisting. Her body softened, and her kiss became more fluid, a searing, heated interplay of lips and tongues.
A Real Cowboy Rides a Motorcycle Page 9