I was soaked but I didn’t feel the cold. My dark hair hung damp around my shoulders, curly from the rain. My face was pelted with the icy drops. My jeans were wet up to the knees from the frantic puddles I had jumped through. But it was worth it. I ran up to Riley just as he loaded his suitcase into the trunk.
“Mackenzie?” He looked up at me in surprise and slammed the trunk shut. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I stopped before him, panting, totally winded, and took a moment to catch my breath. I braced my hands on my knees.
“I need to stop smoking.” I wheezed.
“Yeah, I’ll say.” Riley chuckled. “What’s going on?”
I wiped the rain from my face. “I just … I need to tell you something. Can we …?” I motioned to his car. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.” He looked confused; his dark eyes gazed over me with concern. “Is everything okay?”
“No.” I answered, opening the passenger door of his car. “It’s not okay.”
We climbed into the car and shut the doors. The rain pattered lightly on the windshield, tinny on the roof. We sat in silence for a moment. I could feel Riley’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t start, not yet. Instead, I studied the familiar interior of his car—the purple velour upholstery, the cracked, broken dashboard. I rubbed my hand over it, smiling wistfully. All the hours we’d spent in this vehicle together, cruising aimlessly, getting high, laughing, talking, fighting, arguing. It felt right that it should happen here, the culmination of our relationship. It was poetic, almost.
“Mac, come on.” Riley shook his head in exasperation. “You’re killing me here.”
I blurted it shamelessly. “I went over to Charlie’s house.”
“You did what?”
I knew he’d be pissed. It made me smile, knowing him so well.
“Why the hell did you do that? After all you’ve been through … after all your work? That was so stupid.” He shook his head in avid disappointment. “I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you’d just throw it all away like that.”
I rolled my eyes. “Will you calm down? I didn’t get high or anything. I just wanted to see her again, you know? I missed her. I missed them.”
“Oh.” Riley relaxed in his seat, letting out a breath of relief. “Well, it was still stupid of you. You knew what they’d be doing. You knew what they’d have there.”
“I know.” I relented. “I know it was stupid. And the moment I walked in the door … I felt it. Such … unease. I could feel how … how wrong it was. The entire atmosphere of that room was so, heavy. Like, life sucking. Suffocating. I don’t know. I don’t really know how to describe it.” I shook my head, blinking back to the present. “I just knew I couldn’t be there anymore. I knew that life wasn’t for me anymore.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I took a deep breath. This was the hard part. I bit my lip and looked over at my friend, at my best friend, at the man who knew me in every single way. He’d seen me at my best; he’d seen me at my worst. And still, somehow—he loved me.
“I get it now, Riley. I get why you couldn’t be with me, why you had to leave me last summer. But it hurt me, deeply, and I’ve held it against you ever since.”
“I’m sorry, Mac, I—”
“No. Let me finish.” I stopped him, gathering my courage. “I know now that you couldn’t help it. I know that you … that you still loved me, even though you had to leave.”
Riley nodded silently.
“And I know why it hurt me so badly. Why I couldn’t take the pain … why I’ve been so … unreasonably angry with you about it.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.” I nodded, and took a breath. “I love you, Ry.”
Riley stopped. He just stared at me, stunned into silence.
So I continued.
“Every part of me loves you.” I admitted. “I think I have forever, I don’t know, but I just realized it now. It’s not like Grey … it’s not more than Grey, it’s not less than Grey … I can’t even compare the two of you. It’s just different. But it’s the same, too. It’s … it’s … deeper, because I know you so well … and you know me ….” I gazed up into his warm, dark eyes—eyes I’d never been able to live without. “You know me better than anyone.” I grasped his hand. “You’re my … my breath. Riley, you saved my fucking life.”
He didn’t speak. He didn’t answer. He just smiled and pulled me to him, into his warm, strong arms, and then he kissed me like our lives depended on it. It felt so right, so natural. And the spark from before ignited like I never thought possible, like I never could have imagined until—even despite being soaked from the rain—it felt like we might both start on fire. The feel of his lips, the taste of them … I couldn’t get enough.
When at last he released me, I smiled up at him, staring breathlessly into his handsome face. As happy as I was, I felt I had to say it.
“You know there are a million reasons why this won’t work out, don’t you?”
“Really.” He smiled, humouring me. “Name one.”
“We fight, like, constantly.”
“Hmm ….” He kissed me again, lightly. “That just means we’re communicating.”
I lost my concentration for a moment. I couldn’t believe that Riley could have such an effect on me. I couldn’t be close enough to him. I took my hand and weaved it into his, lacing our fingers together. “And, I don’t want to be the one to tell you this,” I grinned, “but you are really bossy.”
“Only because you’re so stubborn.”
“Plus, really, you’re kind of a square now. What are we going to do for fun? I mean, you don’t even swear anymore. When was the last time you dropped the F-bomb, huh?”
“Mackenzie?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut up.” Riley smiled, and he looked down at me then like I was his greatest wish come true. His look said it all; his look took my breath away. When he kissed me, I smiled. I knew that none of it mattered. There may’ve been reasons why we wouldn’t work, but I knew why we would. Because we were Riley and Mackenzie.
Because we belonged together.
“I love you so much.” I whispered. Every time I said it, the realization shook me. I ran my hands through his hair and stroked his smooth cheek and revelled in the warmth of his arms around me. Mine to discover. Mine forever.
“Let’s go inside. Get you some dry clothes.” He grinned, kissing my hand, holding my gaze as he took the key out of the ignition. The engine shuddered into silence.
“But, aren’t you going to miss your plane?” I eyed the clock warily, instantly saddened by the thought. I was the one who told him to go; who forced him to leave. I knew I had no right to ask, but I just couldn’t help myself. I wanted him too badly.
“Please don’t go Riley.” I blurted pleadingly. “Please stay with me.”
Riley chuckled fondly then, and tucked a lock of long, wet hair behind my ear, his fingers lightly brushing my cheek. “Mackenzie, I’ve waited years for you to say you love me.” He grinned wickedly. “If you think I could leave you now, you’re fucking insane.”
And for that, I had no argument.
EPILOUGE
People say that God doesn’t work miracles anymore. They long for the Bible days, desperate to witness the hand of God moving in obvious ways like he did back then. Holding the sun in the sky, turning water to wine, raising people from the dead. But I know better. I know God works miracles. He worked one in me.
Once upon a time, I was lost. Lost; but blind to my aimlessness. Searching desperately, seeking always for something to satisfy my soul, for something to fill me up. Looking and striving and toiling in vain for the answer.
Who knew I would find what I was looking for, the second I stopped searching.
I’ve never been worth saving. I’ll never be worth saving. I thank God every day for his grace, for stretching out his hand and pulling me from the mire of my life, the mess I had created, and saving me.
Sometimes I ca
n’t fathom it, but luckily for me, he doesn’t feel that way. He loves me like no other, like no other love I’ve ever found. Like the sky, stretching far off into distant space, ever reaching, never stopping … that’s like his love for me. It’s incomprehensible. How? Why? How could someone so unworthy be worth saving, worth loving? From the mountaintops I want to shout out all the great things he’s done for me.
I’ll write them down instead.
I wish that there were words to fully describe it … I hope you know what I’m speaking of. He is it. The purpose for everything. The reason. Like a great treasure, far off in the distance, beaming brightly, drawing you near. More than gold and silver and all the riches of the earth. When you find him, you find peace. Joy. Salvation. And for the rest of your life, you rejoice in your treasure. You thank the Lord for drawing your feet down the path that lead you to him. The moment he speaks to you, your life will change completely. The moment you reach out for him, you’ll never be the same.
I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s nothing wild and hyper-spiritual or odd or crazy. It’s just God. Believing in God. Believing in Jesus. Believing that I’m saved.
I’m going to be battling this addiction for the rest of my life. I know that. I’ve accepted it. God doesn’t magically take away all your problems. But he helps you deal. He can help you with anything. All you have to do is ask.
All day long, I see people struggling. Succumbing to their sickness, defeated by their weakness, helpless in their obsessions. Addicted. So I tell them my story, in hopes that it will save them, somehow. It’s the only way I know.
God saved me in a real way, and I know He can save them too.
And he can save you, if you’ll let him.
###
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