by Meg Farrell
“Getting married because the timeline says so.”
“We were in love.” Weren’t we?
He nods like he’s going to leave it alone. I take another drink of my water. He keeps the swing going, almost hypnotically. We sit in silence for a while.
“His name. You never answered that question,” he reminds me.
“His name was Ryan.”
“You miss him?”
“Honestly, I think I’m supposed to. For some reason, I have a greater peace about it now than I did originally.” Maybe because if he was alive I would have removed his balls with an ice cream scooper for that affair bullshit. I am not about to reveal everything.
“Cade, was it?” I ask.
“Yes, Rhae. Cade Miles.”
“Why am I answering all the questions here?”
“Good point. You can’t be sure I’m not a serial killer-rapist, can you? What is your question, Ms. Rhae Peters?”
I smile because he’s making fun of my earlier assumption. “Who are you visiting here?”
“My grandparents.”
“For how long?”
“As long as necessary.” He looks down, not meeting my eyes.
“What kind of answer is that? You don’t have a home or something?” I grin to encourage his good-natured mood to return.
“No.” He smiles sadly. “I’m not some homeless man who came to call on his grandparents. My grandfather is sick. Hospice thinks that he could pass any day now. We are on ‘wait and see’ status.” He looks down at his feet moving the swing.
“Oh.” It’s the only thing I can think of to say. As torturous as it was to lose Ryan instantly, waiting around has to be worse. It is worse.
“That’s it? Oh?”
“I hate it when people tell me they’re sorry. I am, but I don’t want to be a hypocrite and say what I wouldn’t want to hear. I just remember what it was like when we went through a similar scenario when my mama passed a few years ago.” Things have gotten a little too intense. “I think it’s time for me to get home. I’ll see you around Cade Miles.” Standing, I walk towards the steps.
“Let me give you a ride,” he offers sincerely. “I did start out talking to you to be chivalrous. I mean, that is unless you would like to run home, in which case, I can run with you.” That was a mouthful.
“I guess if I turn you down, you’ll follow me anyway. So, I’ll take a ride home.” I smile genuinely. I don’t know what I was thinking earlier. I don’t work out enough to be over two miles from home on foot.
Cade hops up and takes the glass from me. He sets it down on the porch railing and then grabs my hand. His skin is soft and warm, and his hand is large enough to swallow mine whole. He escorts me off the porch and around to the carport. I’m a little surprised.
“A four-wheeler?” I ask.
He grins that devil of a grin. “What? Mississippi girls don’t ride four-wheelers?”
I feign offense. “Of course we do, but would you let me drive?”
It’s his turn to look shocked. “I’m not one to turn down a pretty lady. After you,” he says as he gestures to our ride.
“I think this works better when you get on first. Slide all the way back.” I instruct.
He smiles incredulously and does as he’s told. Good boy.
I have to climb on in front of him. First, I step on the running board and throw my right leg over the seat. I realize, too late, that when I get on, I’ll have to shove my ass right in his face before I sit down. I try to appear confident. As I finish my climb on to the four-wheeler, Cade clears his throat.
“Feeling okay back there?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he answers nervously. “Great. Let’s see if you can drive this thing.”
He has the same model as my dad, so I know exactly how to operate it. I crank it and look over my shoulder to see him leaning against the rear basket, balancing himself by putting his hands behind him.
“You sure that’s enough support?” I ask, and he nods. “Okay, hold on.” I squeeze the accelerator and the four-wheeler jumps forward. Thrown off balance, Cade grabs my waist to keep from falling off. I grin to myself. It feels great to have him wrapped around me. Geez! I don’t even know him! I can’t think things like that about him right now. The feel of him against my back sends chills all over me.
I am in fourth gear before we lose sight of his grandparent’s house. He hugs me tighter as I shift gears. I smile big. A few minutes later, I pull into my driveway and turn off the four-wheeler. He slightly releases me, and I make a move to get off. Again with the booty-in-face action. He sits still, and I notice he’s smiling too.
“What? Girls from your neck of the woods can’t drive four-wheelers like that?” I make a sarcastic face as I ask.
It takes Cade so long to respond that I start to worry I have acted too tough, and then he blurts out, “Want to have lunch tomorrow?”
I narrow my eyes in suspicion, “Excuse me? I don’t even know you.”
“But I want to know you. Have lunch with me tomorrow.”
“No.” I suddenly feel self-conscious. There’s no way I should even have friendly dates with men right now. I don’t know how this is supposed to work.
“Please?” he asks.
I shake my head, “I-I...just...can’t.” I can feel panic rising in my throat.
Cade takes a step off the four-wheeler and reaches out for me. “Rhae, calm down. It’s okay. How about we skip lunch tomorrow, but meet for a run tomorrow after work?”
I nod.
“Yeah?” he asks for confirmation.
“Yeah. A run tomorrow sounds good. Let’s take it slow. I need to get a background on you first.” I’m joking, but it’s worth a thought.
He laughs and gets back on the four-wheeler. “See you at six tomorrow night.” With that, he takes off.
I stand in the driveway a bit longer, and then go into the house. What happened tonight? Who is Cade Miles? This is ridiculous.
I make a glass of tea from the pitcher I keep in the refrigerator and go over to the stereo in the living room. I turn on the radio and sit down to consider what the hell happened tonight. He’s being friendly, right? He would offer this to any woman he saw running alone. Poor guy is sitting around waiting for his grandfather to pass.
I start to frustrate myself and decide it’s getting late. Judging by the way today went with work, I should get to bed. I lock up the house and change for bed. I put on a pair of Ryan’s boxers and a T-shirt. This is the only set of his clothes I kept. I turn on my box and ceiling fans, then lay down. I run over the events of my night as I fall asleep. I can do this. I can live and move on. I didn’t die with Ryan.
Running Buddy
My alarm goes off. I grumble and bury my head under the covers. Today is going to go just like yesterday. What choice do I have? I need to work. Begrudgingly, I get started with a shower, style my hair into a twist, and then get dressed. For a moment, I think I could wear the yellow dress. I stare at it and contemplate doing it. The longer I think about it, the angrier I get. Fuck Ryan. I am not wearing that dress. How long can I stay pissed at a dead man? I make my coffee and bagel and then head out to work.
Today is a little more miserable, with an obvious exception for my girls who stopped by at irregular intervals to be sure no one is irritating me. Still, more people felt comfortable coming by to talk to me. I get lots of, “Hi-how-are-ya,” and “You okay?” It’s miserable. I’m making a pot of coffee when I feel the Dragon Lady approach.
My back stiffens, and I turn around slowly. It’s good to keep motions slow and gradual to not startle her into attack mode. “Good morning, Bernice,” I manage to say politely. She looks confused for some reason. Then, after staring holes through me for a beat, she cocks her head to the side.
“You changed your name,” she accuses.
“I did. I decided to go back to my maiden name. Ryan is gone, after all,” I remind her.
She looks around and leans closer to me. G
od, please don’t hug me again. “That’s a little inappropriate, don’t you think?” She exaggerates the last part for emphasis, then raises her eyebrows at me.
I can’t help the twisted look on my face, when I respond, “Are you serious? You came over here to lecture me about propriety?”
“All I know is it ain’t right for you to change your name and quit wearing your wedding rings so soon. Your husband hasn’t been gone that long. You’re already moving on? Had a man on the side already, didn’t you?”
This conversation is not happening. This isn’t happening. This crazy bitch. Jesus, take the wheel so I don’t hurt her. “Bernice, I appreciate your concern, but it’s none of your business.”
She looks like someone is choking her favorite dog. “Well, I know your mama is gone. I thought someone should tell you what’s right. I had no idea you would be so rude.” She even raises her eyebrows on the word “rude.” I am imagining that comedy show from long ago where they guy was dressed as a prudish old lady saying, “Isn’t that special.”
I take a calming breath before I respond, “Again, I thank you for your concern. This is none of your business. If you knew my mama and cared to stand in for her during this time, you would know she would tell me to put on my big girl panties and get on with life. I am. No man on the side. I’m offended you would make such a statement.” Ryan had side-booty, not me. I finish that part in my head. I’m not up to sharing that with anyone else yet. I am certainly not sharing this with the Dragon Lady.
She stews on that for a moment—an uncomfortably long moment. I was just starting to feel awkward enough to apologize when Bill comes over. “Where’s the coffee, Rhae?”
I look from Dragon Lady to Bill. “Making. It’ll be ready before you can whine about your passwords not working.”
Bill notices how close Dragon Lady is to me. “Bernice! Don’t you have something to do on your side of the building? You ain’t drinking Rhae’s coffee up from me. Go on.” He makes a shoo motion with his hands.
She gives us both a murderous look but smiles and leaves. Why is this so important to her? This conversation is far from over, I can tell. Freaky, nosey, crazy lady. After she’s out of sight, I look over at Bill, who is pounding his mouse on the desk. “Thank you.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he answers without looking up.
“Ma’am? Please.”
He glares at me with mock sternness, “That’s right. Ma’am. I was raised right; don’t matter how old you aren’t. What was she over here for anyway?”
“She’s offended because I changed my last name and put my rings away.”
“Why is that any of her business?”
I nod and sigh. “That’s what I said. It really pissed her off. She thinks it’s too soon. She thinks I should be more publicly grieved.” I roll my eyes.
“Well, that’s how you know you are living right. You keep Bernice pissed off.” He laughs. “Do I need to get Ginger out of the drawer?”
“Ginger? Who’s Ginger, and why is she in your drawer?” I cock my eyebrow at him.
“She’s my chicken.” He pulls the rubber chicken out of the drawer and lays her on the desk. “I’ll leave her here in case the Dragon Lady comes back.
I laugh and walk back to my desk. “Thanks Bill,” I call over my shoulder.
I get busy checking on my sites, monitoring the error logs to see that everything is working properly. The performance measurements on all my sites are fantastic. To be sure, I look at the support call log. No issues have been called in for any kind of support. Only tickets for content changes that were easy enough. Maybe I’m unnecessary to my clients. I designed their sites so well that they are running smoothly without intervention. That feels a little better than thinking the other designers were encroaching on my clients.
Before I know it, I’m pondering my run “date.” Cade is completely distracting. What does he look like in the daylight? What will he think of me in the daylight? It will probably confirm the “friends” that I assume we are becoming at this point. A running buddy. I heave a big sigh and decide to go to the ladies’ room and check my face and hair. Not sleeping well is starting to take a toll on me. After some stretches in my cube, I grab my phone and slide it into my pocket as head to the bathroom.
Once in the bathroom, I stare into the full-length mirror and decide I look like hell. I do my best to adjust my top over my hips and make sure my skirt is hanging evenly. Years of being with Ryan and not being worried about my appearance is showing. I have been so complacent. Definitely carrying more in the middle than I used to. I shake my head. I could start working out. I have been thinking about that for years. Hell, having a run on the calendar with the guy down the street has to count for something.
There’s nothing to be done about my figure today. At least I have boobs that kind of balance out my look. I do my best to freshen my makeup. I rub at the circles under my eyes, more evidence of my lack of sleep. Maybe I can get a box of over-the-counter sleep aids on my way home tonight. I remove the clips from my hair, shake it out, and restyle my twist. With all my curls, it’s best to just start a style over instead of trying to use my fingers to tuck in stray pieces.
My phone buzzes, indicating a new e-mail coming. It’s Alana, and she wants to go for lunch today. I type out a quick reply for her to meet me in the lobby at eleven a.m. This is actually a really great thing. I can bounce my Cade experience off her and see what she thinks. Which makes me wonder, does anyone else know him? I mean, his grandparents have lived here a long time, so he must have visited before. Someone must know him. Even if no one does, I need to do some Internet research to see if he is a known serial killer, rapist, graffiti artist, or whatever.
When I get back to my desk, I hit several websites and all the usual social media sites. Nothing. Not even on Facebook. Who doesn’t have Facebook at our age? Definitely something I can ask him about. I can’t find any criminal records locally or in any of the surrounding counties. He might not be a serial killer. I immediately start making a mental list of things that could be getting me false results on my searches. Everything from lying about his name to thinking he might not be from around the local area at all. I know he said he was visiting, but from where? I have to stop doubting everyone I meet. It is really a sickness.
When eleven a.m. rolls around, I grab my wristlet and put on my sunglasses. Bill perks up and says, “Where ya headed?”
“To eat. Can I bring you something?” I ask.
“Naw. I’m going to eat soup out of the cabinet.”
“Alrighty then.” I head down and meet up with Alana.
I feel extra light as we walk out into the sunshine and head for the deli. It is a quick walk, but it is a great little spot. They even have patio tables and chairs for those who may want to sit outside. I hope we can sit inside so I don’t sweat all down my legs and have to deal with that the rest of the day. I get lost in the warmth of the sun on my face. We come to a stop at the crosswalk and while we wait on the light to change, I close my eyes and lift my face to the sky. I smile and breathe in the air around me.
“Hey! Let’s go!” Alana pulls my arm.
“Sorry.” I stumble forward and catch up to her.
“Where do you go when you do that?” she asks, almost annoyed.
“I don’t know. I’m not trying to check out. It just keeps happening.”
“Are you okay? And don’t give me that bullshit answer you throw everyone else. I know you too well.”
“I don’t know. I think I might be okay, eventually. All other...things...aside, yeah. I guess I’m better than okay.” I smile at her.
“Really? Do tell!” She demands excitedly.
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Yes, there is. You never smile like that. Spill.”
We step into the deli and order our food. I avoid eye contact with her while we make our drinks. This conversation needs to wait until we have a table. I scan the deli for an indoor table and spot an empty booth
in a corner. I settle in and place our number on the holder.
“You are not getting out of this conversation. Start talking.”
“There’s a lot going on, you know.” I smile. “But you’re right, there is more to talk about. I met someone.”
“What?” she fires back, almost screaming.
I shrink back in the chair and attempt to shush her. “What is wrong with you? I thought we were talking. Nice way to get everyone in the room to stare at us.”
“Sorry, but you can’t drop that kind of bomb on me.”
“Okay, well, shall I finish, or are you going to yell again?” I cut my eyes at her. “Right. I met someone. I was lonely last night just sitting in the house listening to the laundry, and I didn’t want to call anyone or hang out anywhere. I decided to go for a walk. Before I knew it, I was running.”
“Now, that is impressive,” she laughs.
“Bitch. Anyway, I stopped to catch my breath, and there he was. Sitting on the front porch of a house. He approached me, and we talked for a while. Eventually, he got me home and asked me to lunch today. I turned him down because I felt weird, so we agreed on a running date.” I look at Alana’s puzzled face when I finish my ramble.
“So, running buddy? What does he look like?” she asks.
“I don’t really know. It was dark. He is tall and built, I know that.” I smirk and feel my face redden.
“Built? How do you know that?”
“Well, he gave me a ride home and let me drive the four-wheeler. He had to hug me to keep from falling off. It was awesome.” I fan my face at the thought of it.
“Oh, my God. Let me dream about him for a minute. He sounds tasty. What’s the problem?”
“Well, I don’t know. I feel like I’m supposed to still be mourning Ryan. Like it’s too soon to move on. Plus, I don’t think he got a good look at me either. I know he will only want to be friends once he sees me in the daylight.”
“What is wrong with you? Is your self-esteem that low? Really? I could smack you for even talking that way. Why do you think that?”
“C’mon, ‘Lana. I’m overweight. I’ve been married five years. The only person I have ever had sex with is dead. I don’t know what I’m doing here.”