by Meg Farrell
“Doing what?” His eyebrows draw inward, and he cocks his head to the side. He seems confused.
“Smiling at me like that.” I raise my eyebrow.
He laughs again, a little harder. “I’m sorry. Who is the Dragon Lady? She sounds fun.”
I grin and fill him on the people in my office: the judgy admin, Dragon Lady, Ms. Jimmie, Bill and Ginger. By the time I finish telling him all about Ginger, he’s laughing almost as hard as I was the other day. Finally, a deli server comes out with our food. The tray looks like it’s about to give out. He sets down my salad and two small cups of honey mustard. Next is Cade’s lunch, if you can call it that. The man must have a hollow leg. He has a large sub sandwich, chips, cup of potato salad, and a cookie.
I don’t mean to, but I can’t help it—I gawk. “Holy Lord! Where are you going to put all of that?”
“Just watch, baby.” As soon as the endearment leaves his lips, he freezes and looks at me. Slowly removing his sunglasses, he reaches out to my hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...” he trails off. “It slipped out.”
“It’s okay.” I cut him off. I dig deep for a genuine smile. The familiar term feels alien coming from him. I try to shake off the uneasiness it causes. “Go ahead. Show me how you handle all that food.”
I carefully prepare my salad by cutting through the lettuce to make it bite size and apply the right amount of honey mustard. Cade, on the other hand, digs in enthusiastically. The boy can eat! I’m getting full watching him. In between bites, we talk about our lives. I tell him about the girls and Jillian. He tells me about his parents and grandparents. Inevitably, we get back around to Ryan’s death. Cade seems cautious with his questions. It makes me feel bad; I’m not that fragile. So, I take a deep breath and tell him about the accident. When I finish and look up, Cade is staring at me.
“What?”
“I know you said you hate this, but I’m going to say it anyway. I’m sorry.” He reaches across the table and takes my hand.
It’s unexpected and sort of nice, but I don’t hate it coming from him. It’s one of the most genuine sentiments I’ve heard yet. I smile for him—a real smile. “Thank you.”
“So, that’s the story?”
“Not all of it.” I look down, still deciding if I want to tell this part to anyone else.
“What? I mean he’s gone. You had the funeral. You are back at work, making new friends.” He smiles and winks at me. “What’s next?”
I take a deep breath and set my fork down. Taking a drink of my tea to clear my throat, I tell him about Melody. The shock washing over his face is not something I expected.
His shock starts to become anger. “Son of a bitch. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cuss a man I don’t know, but how could someone do something like that? Are you okay? Have you talked to her anymore?”
“I don’t want to talk to her. I’m as okay as I can be. Maybe better than most would expect.” I grin and wink at him. “Can I be honest with you?”
“Of course. We’re friends, right?” He’s moved onto his cookie, while I can’t eat at all.
“First off, wow. You ate everything. Good boy. I wasn’t sure you could pull that off. Definitely a hollow leg. Secondly, I don’t know what I want my life to be now. I haven’t been on my own, ever. I met Ryan when I was seventeen, and we got married when I was twenty. What am I supposed to do? Stay in a house that makes me feel heavy with memories of him I don’t want to have anymore?” I shrug and drink more tea before pushing the remainder of my uneaten salad away from me.
I sigh and continue, “This affair makes me think our whole relationship was a sham. I haven’t even called my former mother-in-law since the funeral. I’m dealing without really dealing with things. I have no idea what’s next. Nothing about my life from before the accident makes me happy. I’m uncomfortable everywhere. Something has to change—that much I know for sure.” I stop to breathe, and he’s squeezing my hand.
Cade slides his chair closer to mine. He grabs both of my hands and holds them in the space between our knees. He looks into my eyes, and answers my rant, “You can be whoever you want to be. You can go wherever you want to go. You can change whatever it is you want to change. You are not required to deal with anything until you decide you are ready. I think you are more vulnerable than you want to let on. Breathe, Rhae. That’s all you have to do.” I nod, and the tears welling up in my eyes spill down my cheeks.
“Will you call me when you get home from work?” he asks softly as he uses his thumbs to wipe my tears.
“Yes. But I need your number.”
“You have it. Remember, I called you earlier?”
“Duh. Sorry. Sloppy mess over here.”
We laugh together, then are smiling and standing as he reaches for me and says, “Come on. Let’s take long way to clear your head before you have to be back.”
Cade continues to hold my hand as we walk down Main Street. The light around us alternates between sun and shadow because of the tall buildings. I point out some of the other lunch places, and the art gallery. We don’t talk about anything particularly important. Just touristy discussion about the buildings we’re passing. It doesn’t take long to get back around to my building. He seems to contemplate something, and then slowly reaches out and wraps me up in a big hug.
“You are going to okay,” he says close to my ear. I shiver. His voice is…is…yummy.
“I am. Definitely. Call you tonight.” I pull back and wave as I go into the building.
I float back to my desk. I can’t stop thinking about Cade. “I’m back,” I call across the cubicle walls to Bill, as per our routine.
“Good to know,” he grumps.
“Okay, what’s wrong?” I step over to his cube and peer over his wall.
“Dragon Lady saw you out with your new friend. She’s been over here four times waiting on you to get back. She keeps talking to me.”
“Sorry, Bill. I’ll …”
“I knew it!” Uh oh, I’d know that cracked, whiney voice anywhere. Dragon Lady is standing outside our quad. Oh, and she is fiery. I have to handle this delicately. “I saw you with that man. You do have someone already.”
“I don’t, Bernice. He’s a friend that’s in town visiting his grandparents who live down the street from me,” I defended. “I knew you would think that. It’s why I said it was none of your business.”
“God knows the truth, Rhae.” She crosses her arms and storms away. Nice, now I’ll be the subject of her lunch gossip with judgy admin. Whatever. I am beyond giving a shit about that anymore.
I look at Bill. He shrugs. He doesn’t know what to say either. I shrug right back and return to my seat. For a minute, I think about what Bill said earlier. “…Living right…pissing Bernice off…” I smile. Things are right, then.
I do my best to stay busy, but I keep replaying lunch over and over again in my mind. His smile causes my heart to skip beats. Does he get the same feeling from me? I hate this. It is so hard to tell. What if all I feel for him is a school girl crush on a guy who’s way out of my league? I haven’t dated anyone since I was seventeen. Am I looking for someone to date? Am I just lonely?
The more I think about it, the less I can sit still at my desk. This is ridiculous. I’m not getting any work done. I’m wasting time being here. I head over to my manager’s desk. “Hey, Dee, do you mind if I jet out? I’m not feeling right.” It’s not a lie; although, it could be interpreted differently.
Dee lets me leave without question, and I bolt out of the building with a renewed energy. When I get home, I slam the front door and lock it. I proceed to blast the stereo as loud as possible and pour myself a drink. A couple drinks later, I am dancing in the living room and the sun is setting. A nice shadow is cast across the living room. I spin circles like I used to do when I was a little kid. Spinning and spinning until I feel sick and my fingers are numb.
I fall to the floor and stare at the ceiling while the room spins around me. Around the time
I feel brave enough to stand up again, there’s a knock on the door. I jump up, probably too quickly and stumble over furniture as I make my way to the door. I rip the door open to find Cade standing on my porch.
“Hello, handsome,” I slur in greeting. I lean against the door to keep from falling over.
“Hi. How’s it going?”
“Great. I thought I was supposed to call you when I got home. What are you doing here?”
“I got impatient. I thought maybe I could pre-empt the call. I’ll go.” He turns to leave, and I nearly panic.
“Okay, want to come in?” I nearly fall over.
Cade reaches out to steady me. “Sure, let me help you.” I throw my arm over his shoulders. He leads me to the couch and sits me down. “You are drunker than Cooter Brown,” he observes.
“No. It’s the spinning.”
“Spinning?”
“Spinning. You know, hold your arms out and spin as fast as you can, then fall down and watch the room spin. Only, I drank a little before I started doing that, and then, bam…you’re here.”
He laughs. “Ah, okay. How was the rest of your day?”
“Well, Dragon Lady totally accosted me and accused me of having you as a side project before Ryan’s death. She has some serious issues. I didn’t have the courage to tell her that it was ironic of her to accuse me. Considering.”
Cade nods. “Right. What a bitch. I’m sorry. It was because of me, huh? What does she do, stalk you at lunch too?”
“I guess so. I don’t really care. I’m not sure I want to stay at this job anymore. I honestly don’t know if I want to keep living in this house or even this town.”
A look of surprise crosses his face. “Where would you go?”
“I haven’t given it much thought beyond just leaving. I have some options. My dad is farther south of here, still in Mississippi. My cousin is in Texas. I think she would let me come stay a while. And we have family in Florida, too.”
“Will you stay in touch with me if you decide to take off?”
I nod, but don’t answer out loud. I hadn’t thought about vocalizing my thoughts on leaving before I did it. Now, I hope I haven’t said something wrong. It’s true, though. I’ve been doing nothing but thinking about what to do with my life. Do I really want to stay in a place where I can’t even sleep? Every time I get in the bed all I do is think of Ryan. When I walk through my kitchen, all I can think about is Melody’s revelations. My job doesn’t need me anymore, so there’s no hope of finding purpose there. Am I ready to talk about any of that with Cade? My foggy head starts to clear.
“Listen, I need to change. I don’t want to sit around in my work clothes. Is that okay?”
He nods. “Of course. I’ll sit right here.”
I smile and squeeze his hand before I head to my room. Once inside, I strip down and stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. Matching bra and panty sets always make me feel beautiful and like I have my shit together. Always. Even if I really don’t. Which, I don’t. A couple of twists and turns help me see how good I look in them. Still too much middle, but I do look pretty damn good. Quietly laughing, I rummage through my drawers and put on a pair of pajama pants and a tank. I knot my hair up on top of my head like some kind of Dr. Seuss character and do a quick wash of my face. I head back into the living room when I’m sure I can handle hanging out with Cade.
“Better?” I ask as I pose against the door jamb with my arm stretched high. I hope it looks more like a model move, and not like an awkward ox.
Cade laughs. “Perfect. Now I feel overdressed.”
“That’s okay; you’re hot no matter what you wear.” What did I just say?
He smiles sweetly and pats the couch seat beside him. An invitation I try to accept without giving away too much of my excitement. We begin talking about nothing and everything all at once. It’s like we’re connected. If I readjust my position, he does so in a way that allows him to stay within arm’s reach of me. We sit in various configurations on the couch and recliner for hours. I find a level of comfort I haven’t had for a long time. Talking about the hell in my world doesn’t hurt when I’m talking to him. Without warning, Cade’s body lets out a grumpy whine.
I jump. “Oh, my God! What was that?”
His cheeks pink a little. “Dude, I’m so freaking hungry right now.”
I laugh. “Well then, we must feed you. Do you want me to cook?”
“Wait a minute, you cook?”
I feign offense. “Of course I cook! Let’s go see what I have in the kitchen.”
We rummage around in my pantry and refrigerator, but the options are slim. He’s about to suggest we order out when I stumble across the makings for poppy seed chicken casserole. I hold up a can of chunk white chicken meat. “Got it!”
He scrunches his face and says, “No offense, but canned chicken meat doesn’t sound very appealing.”
“I’m not offended. You just don’t know about the best Sunday School potluck casserole ever.” I shrug nonchalantly.
“Best? Casserole? Ever?” He still seems suspicious.
I nod. “Here, take this.” Cade holds out his arms and takes the two cans of chicken, and one can of cream of chicken soup. I hustle over to the spice cabinet and locate the poppy seeds, and then dive into the freezer for my bag of frozen peas and carrots. Next, I check the fridge, and sure enough, I barely have enough sour cream. Cade looks a little worried when we get everything lined out on the counter.
“Oh! I almost forgot. Go back to the pantry and get the Ritz crackers,” I direct while I start opening the chicken. Cade is an obedient helper. He retrieves the crackers and offers to start a pitcher of tea. I’m all too happy to have the help!
Within thirty minutes, I’m taking the casserole out of the oven. The toasty brown cracker crust on top is making my mouth water. Cade looks a bit more interested now. I serve up a healthy portion of casserole for each of us while Cade pours tea. We cop a squat in my living room floor, and I watch as he takes his first bites. The look that crosses his face, changing from fear to complete decadence, makes my day.
“Good, right?”
He’s shoveling in another bite, and talking with his mouth full, “Oh, my gah, I can’t. What is this gloriousness?”
“See, I told you—best casserole ever.”
“Can I have some more? All of it? I need this.”
I laugh and take it easy while he gobbles down one plate and goes back for a refill.
Sometime later, sitting on the floor. Cade has his back to the couch with his legs stretched out in front of him. He’s moaning as if he’s stuffed himself way too much. Without thinking, I lay my head in his lap and look up at him as we talk. I can’t help myself. It’s late and I’m exhausted. Every now and then, he reaches out and strokes my hair back from my forehead, and it feels natural. Maybe I’m feeling guilty or hopeful about him touching me, but it seems his hand lingers a little longer each time he does it.
I’m not really paying attention too much until he gently tugs the tie out of my hair and fans it out over his lap and onto the floor. This time I’m sure he lingers as he runs his hands through my curls. I close my eyes and listen to him tell me about growing up and visiting here when he was a kid. Cade’s voice is like a soothing lullaby. I’m calmed hearing the resonance of his voice in his chest.
I drift off as I listen. I wake when Cade rubs my cheek and asks, “Rhae? You asleep?”
I yawn. “Yeah, I think you petting my hair and talking put me out. It’s nice. I haven’t been sleeping much lately.”
His eyes are soft, and his small smile is apologetic when he says, “Why don’t you go ahead and get to bed? I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“What if I said I don’t want you to leave?”
He’s stunned into silence. I’m about to play it off and make a sarcastic remark when he says, “If you think the Dragon Lady had a problem with lunch, what would she do with the shameful rumor that I stayed overnight?” He chuckles.
“Don’t. I’ll stay,” he whispers.
“You will? Don’t do anything you don’t want to.” I close my eyes. He can’t see them anyway.
I feel his breath on my ear when he says, “I want to. I needed a minute to think. To decide.”
“Decide what?”
“If I can stay with you…as you sleep. As a friend.”
“Oh.” Truly my finest moment. “What did you decide?” I’m bracing myself for his answer. I mean, the friend thing is hanging in the air, now.
“Let me call my grandma to let her know where I am in case she needs anything. I’ll stay until I’m sure you’re good and asleep. I won’t stay the whole night. Deal?”
I think over it for a moment. “Deal.” Getting some sleep is going to be amazing. My heart starts racing as I pull myself out of his arms and make my way to the bedroom. I sit and wait for Cade to come back. When he does, he seems as nervous as I feel. He does his best to put me at ease. Smiling, he comes and sits on the bed. He slips his boots off and scoots back against the headboard. I turn on the TV and move over to him, mimicking the position we had been in on the floor of the living room. My head across his lap.
I take a deep breath. “Something tells me I should feel guilty about this, but it feels too comfortable to think bad about it. Thanks for staying. I can’t wait to get a good night’s sleep.”
He starts stroking my hair again. “I think I would do anything for you. We are friends, right?”
Nodding, I can’t help the hurt that consumes me. I guess that is all I am after all. I mean, a minute ago he was standing with his arms around me, whispering in my ear. He seemed like there was something between us. I guess my ability to read guys is really further from accurate than I first thought. I don’t know why part of me wanted there to be more right now. Maybe I’m as screwed up as Melody. The standard pitfall of taking kindness from a guy as anything other than what it is–kindness.