by Alyssa Day
I stopped in the shadow of a tree, considering. I was half-tempted to knock on the door and just ask him.
"Don't you dare stop now, Tess Callahan," Eleanor hissed in my ear, scaring the crap out of me.
I jumped two feet in the air and let out a squeak.
"What are you doing here? You promised to stay in the car!" I looked around, because if Eleanor was here, the chances were slim to none that Lorraine had stayed in the car. "Where is she?"
Eleanor tried the innocent face on me again, but now I knew better.
"Who?"
"Don't 'who' me," I whispered. "Where's Lorraine?"
"She said it's only revenge if you take action," she said smugly, pointing at something behind me.
I whirled around just in time to see Lorraine open a pocket knife and slam the pointy end into one of the front tires on the Jeep.
"What? Stop that," I whisper-yelled at her. "Do you want to get us arrested?"
Her grin was a gleam in the light of the streetlight, and she scooted over to the back tire.
"That's it. I will not be part of vandalism and destruction of property," I said. I turned around and started marching back toward the car, but Eleanor grabbed my arm.
"Okay, okay," she said hastily. "Look! She stopped."
Sure enough, Lorraine folded her knife and put it in her pocket and then hurried over to us and gave me a dirty look.
"Spoilsport."
"You two are unbelievable. This is way out of hand. I'm going to—"
"Please, Tess. At least take a quick peek and tell me if she's in there and what's going on," Eleanor pleaded. "Please? For me?"
I sighed. She'd double-pleased me. Now I had to do it.
I could hear Aunt Ruby's voice in my head. "If your friends jump off a cliff, does that mean you have to?"
Only if they double-please me, Aunt Ruby.
I sternly warned them to stay back, and then I sidled over to Mr. Oliver's yard, took a deep breath, and then raced across his lawn and dove into the bushes at the side of the house.
Note for the future: Diving into bushes is never a good idea.
"Ouch!" I'd skinned my elbow, and the bushes had gotten in a couple of good scratches on my face, probably out of revenge for me smashing their leaves and branches. I muttered a few mildly bad words, wiped my face with the bottom of my shirt, and then slowly rose up out of my crouch until my head was just beneath the window sill.
This was the stupidest idea I'd ever gone along with, and that was saying a lot.
I heard the murmur of conversation, so either Mr. Oliver was watching TV or there really was somebody in his house other than him. I took another deep breath, swallowed hard, and then ever-so-slowly raised my head until I could peek in.
The first person I saw was the hussy. I gasped a little and dropped back down out of sight.
Darn.
Eleanor was going to be very unhappy.
Still, there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. I peeked in again.
This time, Mr. Oliver was hugging the hussy!
I'd seen enough. I hated to admit it, but Eleanor was right. Mr. Oliver was blatantly hugging a woman who looked half his age right in the middle of his living room.
He'd better never try to pawn his Jackalope again, that was for sure, or I would… I would have very strong words for him.
I sighed. Maybe Lorraine's idea had been better. 'Very strong words' was a pretty lame idea of justice.
I glanced up and down the sidewalk, to be sure nobody was coming, and then I raced back over to where Eleanor and Lorraine waited.
"Well?" Eleanor's eyes were wide. "Was she in there?"
"Let's go back to the car before we get caught."
"Tess! Tell me right now."
My shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry, but you were right. She's in there, and he was hugging her."
She ducked her head and nodded. "Okay. All right. Well, better to know, right?"
Then she started marching down the street back toward her car. Lorraine and I followed her, not exactly sure what to say. My heart ached for Eleanor. I knew she'd been growing more and more fond of Bill Oliver, who'd seemed like way too nice a guy to do this.
We cut through Bubba's lawn again, and I was in the lead, moving quite a bit faster than them, being the only one not eligible for Social Security, and so I was halfway across his lawn when I heard a shriek.
I whirled around and saw Lorraine down on the ground, rolling around in the unlit yard, and Eleanor jumping up and down, shrieking.
"Quiet! Do you want to get caught?" I raced over to them to find out what in the world was going on.
"He's got me, Tess, he's got me," Lorraine cried out hoarsely. "He's going to squeeze me to death and eat me! Who will run the diner?"
It was too dark for me to get a good idea of what was going on, and Eleanor was still jumping around like she was walking barefoot on hot coals.
"Who's got you? What is happening? Stay still, so I can see!"
Instead, she rolled away from me, thrashing her arms around wildly. "The snake! Bubba's boa constrictor has me!"
Oh, crap.
I had no idea how to get a boa constrictor to let go of a human being.
"Hold on, I'll Google."
"What? I'm dying here, and you're going to go online?"
She kept thrashing her arms around, and Eleanor kept hopping back and forth, saying "I hate snakes, I hate snakes, I hate snakes" over and over and over, and then I pulled my phone out of my pocket and hit the button for the flashlight, just to get an idea of how much trouble we were in, and I saw everything and started laughing so hard I could barely breathe.
"Now you're laughing at me while I’m dying?"
"Lorraine," I gasped out. "Lorraine, stop moving and look down."
"I don't want to see myself die," she whisper-shouted at me.
Eleanor stopped hopping and started laughing. "Oh, no. Lorraine. Look."
I moved the beam from the phone's flashlight down so it spotlighted Lorraine's legs… which were caught inside an old tire inner tube.
Not a boa constrictor.
Not even a garden snake.
She must have stepped into it, tripped, and then imagined the worst.
Lorraine made a huffing sound. "Well, fine. Are you two idiots going to just stand there laughing like hyenas or come over here and help me out of this thing?"
I shoved my phone in my pocket and helped her up and out of the scary inner tube, and then the light in Bubba's kitchen went on, and we heard him yelling through the open screen door.
"If you kids are in my yard again, I'm going to call the cops!"
We ran all the way back to the station wagon.
When we finally got there, we sat there, panting and laughing for a few minutes, and then Eleanor put the key in the ignition.
"Right. You mentioned something about margaritas?"
"Frozen, strawberry, or on the rocks," I said.
"We'll get plastered and figure out how to get even," Lorraine said. "Tess, you should have let me stab all four of the hussy's tires. And I swear I'm going to put salt in Bubba McKee's lemonade the next time he comes into the diner. Setting his snake on me like that."
"Even if it was just an inner tube disguised as a snake," Eleanor said.
That set us off again, and we laughed like loons all the way to my place, where I found out that tiny little Lorraine could drink the rest of us under the table.
When Jack showed up a little after ten, he took one look at the three of us and grinned. "Margaritas?"
"Yep." I gave him a huge smile. "You should have come with us, Jack."
"To goat yoga," Eleanor, who was the only one even slightly sober, said warningly.
"Yep. Goat yoga. It was great! And then there was a snake, but it wasn't a snake." I hiccupped. "Lucky for Lorraine."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Did the snake eat the goats?"
For some reason, that set us off again, and we all
three fell back on the couch laughing.
"Did the snake eat the goats," I repeated. "No, the snake did yoga!"
Lorraine was laughing so hard she had tears streaming down her face. "If a snake did yoga, how could you even tell? What would—would downward dog look like?"
"Downward snake," I said triumphantly. "Who wants more margaritas?"
Jack took the glass out of my hand when I stood. "I think you've all had enough, my yoga princess. It's a school night. How about I drive these two lovely ladies home?"
Eleanor struggled up off the couch. Okay, so she wasn't all that sober, either.
"I can drive, young man," she said, but then she blinked. "Okay, maybe not. I would appreciate a ride. You would never two-time Tess with a hussy, would you, Jack?"
His grin widened. "Nope. Never, ever. Not a single hussy. Let's get going."
While they gathered their things, he aimed that gorgeous smile at me. "I'm looking forward to hearing all about this later. I'll be back."
"Nope! I will never reveal my secrets. It's a sacred goat yoga trust." I cracked myself up and fell back on the couch laughing again.
Jack shepherded his tipsy charges out the door and then turned back to me. "Please lock the door behind me, just in case. I'll knock when I get back."
"Okay." I got up and took a few unsteady steps toward the door. "Should really give you a key, if I'm going to start locking doors."
Jack froze, an arrested expression on his face. "You—I—Tess, we—"
"Jack, get your butt out here. You can kiss Tess later," Lorraine bellowed.
I giggled. "Yes, Jack, you should definitely kiss Tess later."
This time, the gleam in his eyes was unmistakable. "That sounds like the best idea you've had all day. I'll be back soon."
I locked the door, brushed my teeth, and eyed the fluffy pillows on my bed. "I'll just wait here."
Lou, who'd escaped the party a while back, stretched out on the end of my bed and then started to purr.
"Yep. Just rest my eyes for a minute."
When I woke up, it was Tuesday morning, I was still wearing my stealth clothes, my head ached like a steel brass band was hammering away in it, and Jack was nowhere to be seen.
There had definitely been no kissing.
12
Lou meowed at me that she wanted her breakfast, and I winced.
"Quietly, please." I carefully made my way to the bathroom for a shower, put on my usual jeans and polo shirt, and then wobbled my way to the kitchen for coffee, Tylenol, and toast.
My head hurt when I bent down to feed my cat.
It hurt even more when I stood back up.
Have I mentioned that I'm not much of a drinker?
"News flash: I am completely and totally out of the stealth-spying and post-mission-margarita business," I told my cat, who didn't have the slightest bit of sympathy for me.
I didn’t have time for sympathy, anyway, because the rescheduled GYST bus was on its way, and I still needed to stop by Mellie's and get donuts. Maybe she'd be back at work today, and I'd avoid special jelly donuts.
I swayed, because even the thought of jelly donuts was making my hangover stomach very unhappy. No donuts for me today at all would probably be a good idea.
Mellie's was less busy today, and the line moved faster, so I had hopes of getting out before my head exploded.
"What the world really needs is headache medicine that works instantly," I muttered glumly.
The guy behind me, wearing a John Deere cap, gave me a funny look but nodded. "Sure wouldn't hurt. Hey, did you hear about that missing woman? Ann Feeney? Do you know her? The Gazette said that Dead End was her last known location."
I winced. "At least for part of her."
"What?" He edged away from me and started talking to the guy behind him. "Hey, did you hear about that missing woman? Ann Feeney? Did you know her?"
I didn't hear what the other guy said, but I really didn't care since it was my turn at the counter.
Vern's smile was still big, but growing ragged at the edges. "Hey, Tess. Glad to see you. Eleanor called in the order yesterday, same two dozen."
I really wasn't in the mood to talk, but ignoring him would be rude. "Are you doing okay, Vern? How's Mellie? Do you think she'll be back at work soon?"
"I really hope so," he said longingly. "This job is not for wimps. Or accountants! Plus, my vacation days are almost up."
"You're doing great," I told him, placing my money on the counter. Vern knew my reasons for being careful not to touch people. "I bet Mellie really appreciates it."
He nodded, distracted, and I moved out of the way so the John Deere guy could place his order.
"Hey, Vern, did you hear about that missing woman? Ann Feeney? Did you know her?"
Vern shook his head, already holding a fresh bag. "Sorry. Six glazed again?"
I waved to Vern, said hello to a few people I knew, and headed out, glad to escape the scent of burnt sugar and coffee—usually aromas I adored, but today was going to be a rough one.
The GYST bus followed me into the parking lot, so I hurried inside. I pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge and drained half of it, and then I started the coffee. I put the donuts out on the counter by the cash register with plenty of napkins, and by the time I'd done that, the first tourists were heading into the shop.
"Welcome to Dead End Pawn!" I pasted a smile on my face and cursed whoever'd invented margaritas. Eleanor was nowhere to be seen, but I hadn't really expected her after last night's double whammies of the hussy and drunkenness.
A tiny little baked apple of a man wearing screamingly loud plaid shorts and a pink polo shirt walked up to the counter, peered in the donut box, picked one up, took a bite, put it down on my freshly-Windexed counter, and then picked out a different donut.
I stared at him. Even my nine-year-old sister knew better.
He had the audacity to wink at me before he turned around and walked away.
I picked up the discarded donut with a napkin, tossed it, and then went into full-on "helpful pawnshop owner" mode.
"I don't think you'd really want that, unless you have a problem with basilisks," I told the elderly sisters who were fighting over who got to buy the bottle of potion that could transform someone from a stone statue back to a person. Yasmine, the garden witch who'd sold it to me, had said it would lose its efficacy after five days, but the cut-crystal bottle was so pretty I'd been unable to resist.
It had only been three days since I'd bought it, and I wasn't completely sure what the potion would do if taken or applied to the skin for no reason. I really needed to make a special locked case for anything supernatural and only allow Dead End residents access. The plain vanilla humans who wanted to buy magical items always left me in a quandary of how much responsibility I would have if something went wrong.
I talked the sisters into each buying lovely pink bottles of rose-scented perfume that the same garden witch had created. It was absolutely lovely and completely free of any magic. And then I chatted, listened to vacation stories, admired pictures of grandchildren, and rang up sales for the next forty-five minutes or so until it was time for them to move on.
"We're trying out the Commando Swamp Boat rides today," Mr. Holby told me. "I worked out a deal with those boys."
I smiled and handed him an envelope that contained his two hundred dollars for the month. He brought the bus to my shop each week, and I tipped him fifty bucks per time for doing it. Since he set the itinerary, he could take the tour anywhere he wanted.
I was glad to help him want to bring it here.
"Thanks, Tess. See you next week! We'll be in on Monday again."
I waved and thanked everyone and then, after the last of them was out the door, I cleaned up the mess. Donut crumbs and a few sticky fingerprints this time, not bad at all. My headache was gradually going away, thanks to two bottles of water, three cups of coffee, and the Tylenol, and I was starting to feel almost human.
Then my Aunt Ruby walked in and ruined everything.
"Good morning, honey. So, here's the deal."
I groaned. "No. There are no deals. I know better. The last time you started off with 'here's the deal,' I wound up standing on a parade float in a prom dress with MISS DEAD END written in sequins on a sash across my chest."
"Tess—"
"No! Do you know how long it took for me to live that down? God forbid Jack ever gets wind of it. He'd tease me forever."
She looked thoughtful. "I must have pictures somewhere."
I narrowed my eyes. "Is mayorcide a word? Aunticide?"
She smiled, and I realized she'd been teasing me. Today, she wore black pants, low heels, and a peach-colored blouse. She looked lovely and very mayoral. Not at all like someone who wanted to ruin my life. I walked over and hugged her before she told me anything more about the deal, because I undoubtedly would not want to hug her afterward.
"Coffee? A donut?"
"No, thanks, honey. So. Before we get into things, how was your date?"
"This is uncharacteristic reserve for you, Aunt Ruby. We went on that date more than twenty-four hours ago. I expected you to be at my house waiting for us Sunday night when we got back." I grinned at her, and she shook her finger at me.
"Don’t you sass me. How was it? Where did you go? Please tell me he at least took you to a nice place. Young men these days don't seem to have any idea of how to dress up. I tell you—"
"It was a very nice place," I said, cutting her off before we went into a full round of what was wrong with the world today—mostly bad manners, according to Aunt Ruby.
"Where? Orlando? Over to Daytona Beach?"
I laughed. "Oh, a little farther than that."
She put her hands on her hips. "Where, already?"
I couldn't wait to see her face.
"Aunt Ruby, Jack took me to Atlantis! We had dinner with Prince Ven and his wife Erin, who is a major-league powerful gem singer, a kind of witch, and I even met King Conlan!"
Aunt Ruby stared at me for a long moment and then sighed. "Fine. Don't tell me. Mike will get it out of you."
"But—"