by Megan Hart
I finally managed to scream. Not very loud, since I had no breath and my face was smashed into the carpet. I was a mass of pain. I had glass in my hair; I could hear it crunching against the carpet.
“Tesla?”
The weight on my back disappeared. The hurting, grabbing hands turned kind, helping me up before leaving me to sit woozily. The lights came on.
“Shit. Oh, shit, Tesla. What the fuck were you doing?” Vic crouched in front of me, grasping my upper arms gently. “Oh, honey. What the hell?”
It must’ve been really bad for him to call me honey, an endearment he used only when the kids or Elaine were hurt or sick. I drew in a breath, thinking to yell at him, and found no voice. My elbow throbbed, but I didn’t think I was cut. My face hurt, my back and shoulders ached and even my knees felt scraped raw.
Vic stroked my hair off my forehead with his fingertips, looking into my eyes. “I’m sorry. Christ, you’re lucky I didn’t shoot you.”
I hadn’t noticed the gun. A SIG Sauer pistol, strapped to his belt in a leather case. I’d seen it hundreds of times before, of course. Had even shot it a few times on the range. I knew what sort of damage it could do, and yet I still couldn’t quite wrap my mind around why Vic would have used it on me.
“I heard someone trying to get in,” he said. “Then the dog barking next door. Someone at the back door. I didn’t know it was you. Dammit, Tesla, why didn’t you just knock? Or, Christ, call me? I’d have let you in!”
“I didn’t want to wake you,” I managed to say. My mouth felt numb, my lips swollen. I realized I could taste blood. I’d bitten my tongue.
“What the fuck were you thinking?”
“What was I thinking? What were you thinking, playing Rambo? Why didn’t you turn on the lights first, see who it was before you jumped me? God, Vic, did you really think it was someone breaking in?”
“Yes,” he said flatly. “I did.”
I swallowed blood and pressed my fingers to the inside corners of my eyes. “Shit, I broke the window.”
“Are you cut? Bleeding?” He started probing my arm. “Your coat’s ripped.”
“Great. That was my favorite coat. Son of a bitch, Vic.”
“I’ll buy you another one.” He flexed my elbow. “It’s not broken. What about the rest of you? Take this off. Let me check you out.”
I jerked away from him and got to my unsteady feet. “You’ve done enough.”
Vic stood, too. “I said I was sorry. Jesus, Tesla. I’m supposed to apologize for wanting to protect my family? I thought someone was down here. I thought maybe he’d go after you…hurt you....”
My anger was fading, replaced by bruises. I couldn’t stay mad at him. It had been pretty dumb of me to try coming in through the window. And his concern touched me enough that tears welled up.
“Shit,” Vic said miserably. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry. Don’t, please?”
I swiped at my face. “I think I need some ice.”
“C’mon. I’ll help you.” And he did, up the stairs into the kitchen, where he made me sit quietly at the table while I took off my coat and we examined my elbow.
Vic handed me an economy-size bag of frozen peas. “Here. The kids won’t eat these, anyway.”
I put them on my face over my right eye, the one that had been most mashed into the floor. “Thanks.”
He made us both tea, taking the kettle off the burner before it could whistle, then sat across from me with his mug in his big hands. We didn’t say much. I was really starting to ache, and didn’t want to say anything, since complaining would make him feel bad.
“You should call off work,” Vic said. “Maybe even go to the doctor.”
Calling off work was a definite. I didn’t think I could keep my eyes open for my shift, much less be perky. Or deal with Joy. “I don’t need a doctor. Just sleep.”
“I’m sorry,” Vic said again.
I put the peas on the table between us so I could sip at the hot tea. Once again we were sharing time in the dark, waiting for the sun to rise while the house slept all around us. It seemed as good a time as any, so I asked, “What the hell is going on with you?”
He didn’t say anything. He turned the mug around and around until the whisper of the porcelain against the wood had me reaching over to put my hand on his wrist. He stopped. He still wore the gun on his belt, though I couldn’t see it below the edge of the table. But it made me realize something else.
“You have your clothes on.”
“Yeah? What?”
My frown hurt my mouth. “I mean, you weren’t wearing pajamas.”
“I put these on when I got up. When I heard someone trying to break in.”
“Which was me.” I sipped hot tea and winced at how it burned my bitten tongue. I glanced over at him, caught his eye. Knew something at once by the shifty gaze. “Liar.”
“Fine. I was already up.”
“Because you hadn’t gone to bed yet? What were you doing?”
“Putting together the crib in the baby’s room. Making sure it was all good. Meets the regs and all that.” Vic twisted the mug in his hands again, but stopped when he saw my look.
“You couldn’t wait to do that until the morning? The baby’s not coming tonight, Vic.” And even if it did, it would sleep in the bassinet in their room with them for the first few months.
“I was maybe doing some stuff on the laptop, too.”
This was completely out of character for him. Vic hardly ever used the ancient desktop, having given it up to the kids and sad-sack me when my laptop died. He’d bought Elaine a laptop to use on the days her pregnancy sickness kept her in bed. She could watch movies on it, check her email, pay bills and shop. I’d never known Vic to use it, but apparently that didn’t mean he didn’t.
“In the baby’s room?”
“Elaine was sleeping.” He sounded defensive. “I had to look up some stuff about how to put the crib together—stupid instructions were missing. And some other stuff.”
Here’s the thing about Vic—he’s a magnificent liar. It makes him an excellent card player, and he never gives away what he bought you for your birthday. He can look you in the eye and tell you a flat-out, even outrageous, lie without blinking, and have you so convinced he’s telling the truth you’d go to court and swear it in front of a judge. The fact I knew he was lying now wasn’t due to any special skill on my part, no supernaturally close bond we shared. If he was letting me see the lie, it was because, for some reason, he wanted me to see it.
“You’re going back to it. Thinking about it, anyway. Aren’t you.” I didn’t want any more tea, but I drank some to give me some nonchalant action to add to my deliberately casual tone.
Again, Vic said nothing, which was more than enough of an answer.
“So…why the big secret?” I asked. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Vic.”
“Elaine doesn’t know.”
“That you’re thinking of going back to your old job?”
“That I used to have an old job.”
Stunned, I sat back in my chair. “What?”
“She doesn’t know,” Vic said in a warning voice. “And I’m not sure I want her to know. Not yet.”
“You can’t…this is…” Again, words failed me. I shook my head, which made it ache. I put the peas back against my eye. “You have to tell her.”
“Of course I have to tell her,” he snapped. “Especially if I go back. Which I haven’t decided yet.”
“Where is all of this coming from?” The peas were getting warm, but still felt good on my eye. They had the added benefit of blocking part of my vision, so I didn’t have to look him in the face while all this was going on. I wasn’t sure what my expression looked like.
“A buddy of mine called me up. Said they needed some good guys on this new team he was setting up here in Harrisburg. Said he could guarantee me a great starting salary. Benefits. In case you didn’t notice, Tesla, I have another kid on the way.”
&nb
sp; This time, his words hurt more than my frown. “Wow, that’s a shitty thing to say to me. Like I don’t live here, too. Like I wouldn’t notice something important like that.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said you were sorry more tonight than you’ve said to me for the entire time I’ve known you.” It was an exaggeration that felt true. “Stop it.”
“The hours would be kind of shit, but on the other hand, I’d be able to be more flexible.”
“Sounds like you’ve already decided.” I got up to put the peas in a plastic freezer bag, pulling a marker from the junk drawer to scribble “DO NOT EAT” on them in big block letters. As if that were a worry.
“I can’t decide until I talk to Elaine.”
“No shit, Sherlock.” I faced him, the counter at my back, my hands gripping the edge. “I just don’t understand why you never told her before.”
“She only ever knew me as a guy who fixed cars. Sold cars. She never knew me as a cop, Tesla. And by the time we got together…” Vic’s voice lowered. “I didn’t want her to know me as that guy. That’s all.”
My lips pressed together. I probed a cut on the inside of my cheek with my sore tongue. Neither pain kept me from speaking. “You say ‘that guy’ like you have a reason to be ashamed.”
He looked at me. “Don’t I?”
“No.” I wanted to cross the small distance between us and take his face in my hands. I wanted to gaze into his eyes and force him to see how wrong he was. If getting on my knees in front of him would’ve convinced him, I’d have done that. Instead I stayed where I was, as did he, the way we’d grown so accustomed to doing.
He shook his head. “I messed up. Did shit I shouldn’t have.”
“You mean me.”
“No. I mean…shit. No, Tesla, you’re not shit. That’s not what I meant.”
I gave him a steady stare. “What, then? You mean the rest of it? You mean taking what you knew back to your boss so he’d have enough reason to send in people to raid The Compound? You were doing your job.”
“People died,” Vic said tightly.
“You need to tell her, Vic. It’s a job. It’s not the end of the world.” I paused. “She already knows about The Compound. About me. It’s not like any of that was a secret. I don’t get why the rest of it was.”
But I did know. I saw it on his face. Because he was ashamed of what he’d done. No matter what had come after, how he’d done more good than bad, Vic still felt guilty.
“You wish you’d never fooled around with me,” I said. In all the years I’d lived with him, we’d never talked about the fact we’d once made each other come.
“Tesla…”
I held up a hand, moving past him toward the basement. “I get it. I just thought we were both past it. It happened. And I don’t regret it, but you do. So maybe every time you look at me you think about how you can’t believe you fucked around with me—”
“I should never have done it!” he said in a muted shout.
From upstairs, I heard the creak of floorboards.
“Because I was too young. Because you were there working. Because, because, because.” I’d have spat the words, except it hurt my mouth too much. So I settled for whispering fiercely. “Here’s the fact, Vic. I came on to you. I wanted to fuck you. I wanted you. And here’s another little piece of information for you to fret and mutter over. I loved every single second we were together. I loved making you come, and I loved how you made me come, and I love that I know what I know about sex because of what you taught me. Okay? I don’t regret anything about it, because I love you.”
He made a noise in the back of his throat.
“I’m not in love with you,” I added quickly. “I love you, I love Elaine, I love your kids. I love that we are a family. I love that you took me and Cap in when our parents were too fucked up with their own shit to do right by us. I love that you are a good and decent man who protects the people he loves with everything that he has. I love you despite the fact we messed around and not because of it, Vic, which is a little bit of a mess, I know. But if I can get past it, if your wife, for fuck’s sake, can get past it, I think you should be able to get past it, too. And I hate that you can’t. I hate that you allow what we did—what we both did, by the way, not just you—to make everything we have now somehow dirty. I hate that.”
I didn’t wait for him to answer, just went down the stairs.
Chapter 19
I must’ve sounded truly awful on the phone, because Joy didn’t even give me a hard time about not making it in to work. She did ask if I’d be in the day after, since she had another appointment and she didn’t want to leave Darek in charge, which was stupid since he was just as capable of running the shop as I was. Anyway, I assured her I would be, and I spent the day holed up in my room watching old movies and playing board games with the kids so Elaine could spend the day in her own bed.
I didn’t want to tell her I knew something she didn’t, and I wasn’t happy that Vic had put me in that position. Avoiding her was easier. I didn’t think she noticed, since it was one of her rough days and she was just grateful to have me there to keep Max and Simone occupied.
We even baked cupcakes toward the end of the day, when my aches and pains had finally started fading. I’d expected a bunch of bruises, but I guess I was tougher than I’d thought, because despite the soreness, very few had shown up.
“Tesla, I love you,” Simone told me matter-of-factly as we spread thick chocolate icing on top of the cupcakes, which had come out of the pan a little misshapen but still delicious.
“I luff you!” Max added. He was completely covered in icing and was busily licking more from his fingers.
“I love you guys, too.” I used the rubber scraper against the side of the bowl to take my own fingerful of goodness. “Mmmm.”
Apparently having decided declaring her love aloud wasn’t enough, Simone put her arms around my stomach and squeezed as hard as she could. For a little girl, it was pretty hard. Added to the already sore bits and pieces I had, I admit I was less than thrilled by this, but I managed to hug her back without too much agony or getting icing in her pale blond hair.
She tipped her face to look up at me. “You won’t ever leave us, will you?”
“Umm…” I wasn’t a believer in lying to kids, Santa and the Tooth Fairy excluded. “I don’t have plans to leave you anytime soon.”
“Cappy left.” Simone scowled at this.
Since Cap had moved out on his own before Max was born, I wasn’t sure why this so affronted her, but it made me laugh. “Yeah, well, he wanted his own place.”
“He lives wif Lynds,” Max said. “Not hims own place.”
“Sure, but before he lived with Lynds, Cappy had his own apartment.” He’d asked me to move in with him, but I preferred Vic’s basement to the crap-hole apartment my brother had found for himself.
“But you wanted to stay here with us!” Simone beamed as if I’d done it as a personal favor.
The truth was, I’d thought about moving out many times. Life with babies, especially ones that aren’t your own, isn’t exactly all sunshine and roses. Nor is living in a basement, for that matter. Sure, I wanted my own place. I could afford one, maybe even without a roommate. But I had stayed because living in Vic’s house felt like home. His wife and kids, family. Not conventional, sure, but that felt more normal to me than anything else would’ve.
“Because you luff us,” said Max.
“Sure. Because I love you. All of you.” I kissed the top of Simone’s hair and pushed her gently away so we could finish the cupcakes.
“You love Mama. And me. And Max. And Daddy, too.” She reached for the small plastic container of candy confetti shaped like dinosaurs, and began adding them liberally to the cupcakes.
“Yep. All of you.” It was true, but after last night’s conversation with Vic, it somehow felt like maybe I wasn’t allowed.
“Does Cappy love Lynds?” Simo
ne asked.
I looked down at her. “I think so.”
“Will he marry her?” Simone licked some icing thoughtfully.
“I don’t know, hon. You guys go downstairs and play so I can clean up the kitchen, okay?”
Max was off the chair and down the stairs in seconds, but Simone lingered. She wouldn’t be much use in the cleanup, since she wasn’t tall enough to reach the sink to help wash the bowls and pans, but I didn’t chase her away. She had something to say. I could see it in the set of her small face.
“ ’Sup, pup?”
“Are you going to get married?”
I laughed. “Not anytime soon. Maybe never.”
“How come?” Simone tipped her face to look up at me.
“Oh…I don’t know.” I put the mixing bowls in the sink and ran the hot water, squirted some soap. “Haven’t found anyone I like enough, I guess.”
“I bet someone would like you enough, Tesla.”
I turned to face her, then got on my knees to hug her close with my sudsy hands. “Thanks, kid. Thank you.”
She squeezed me back. “I love you, Tesla.”
“Love you, too, kid. Now beat it, I need to get this stuff cleaned up.” I patted her butt to get her moving, but what she said lingered with me the whole time.
Chapter 20
I don’t think any of the three of us thought it would last. What ever lasts in high school, you know? Relationships spring up overnight like mushrooms, and some are just as poisonous. What I had with Chase and Chance wasn’t supposed to become serious.
But it did.
Something had changed after the Christmas dance. Just as I’d promised their mother, the brothers were getting A’s in calculus. As a celebration, the next time I came over to help them with their “homework,” their mom invited me to stay for dinner.
Mrs. Murphy actually wore an apron to cook in, and she held up one thickly cushioned oven mitt for emphasis. “We’re having meat loaf and mashed potatoes.”
“Sure,” I told her brightly. “I’ll stay.”