“Right, so quit being so hard on yourself,” Patrice added.
“Alright, fine,” Amber conceded with a sigh. “I’ll try.”
She could try, not that it would change the truth any, and not that it mattered, since her feelings for him were all one-sided, anyway.
ERIK watched with satisfaction, as Reggie and his friends chose another table. Maybe the guy would do himself a favor, and give up.
“Well… that was unexpected,” Gabriel stated.
“You can say that again,” Joshua declared.
Justin was concerned. Evan couldn’t decide whether to be concerned, or to laugh. Erik caught their expressions, and smiled.
“I know Caleb is my nephew. Our nephew,” he admitted.
Four pairs of eyebrows rose in response.
“She told you?” Gabriel asked in surprise.
“No, she let me believe the conclusion I jumped to, when we ran into each other at the grocery store. I understand why she did, and I’m not going to tell my brother. The only way he’ll find out is if Samantha feels comfortable telling him, herself.”
“Okay… good,” Evan said. The other men looked relieved, too.
“How’d you figure it out?” Joshua wondered.
“I saw the photo in Amber’s parents’ house of Samantha in a hospital bed, holding a newborn. So I did the math, and it fit. Since he’s my nephew, it also explains why Caleb looks so much like me. Amber’s had a lot of fun teasing me about that, or—mortifying me, is more like it. Although once I figured out the truth, the tables kind of turned.”
“Much like they did just now,” Gabriel smiled, with a glance at Reggie and his group.
“Exactly,” Erik smiled too. “Amber doesn’t know, and I’d like to keep it that way. Maybe by now, she realizes she can trust me, but I don’t want to tell her, and have her worry.”
“I’d say she trusts you. A lot,” Justin said, glancing at the three women and their animated conversation.
“She just accepted your proposal,” Evan pointed out, but Erik shook his head.
“Amber was playing along. She cares about me, but only as a friend. And as her friend, I don’t want her afraid that I’ll tell my brother about Caleb. So please don’t let on that I know.”
The rest of the guys glanced at each other.
“She won’t hear it from us,” Gabriel spoke for all of them.
“Thank you,” Erik smiled.
“More,” Caleb said, holding up his empty hands. Erik obliged.
The rest of the guys resumed eating, but Justin looked thoughtful.
“Maybe you’re right, and she didn’t take you seriously. But… if you’re wrong, and she comes back thinking you meant it, then you need to know what you’re going to say.”
“You either tell her you were kidding for Reggie’s sake, or tell her you weren’t,” Gabriel shrugged.
Erik glanced at Amber and his heart hammered, as he wondered which was the truth. Justin saw the look in his eyes, and understood.
“You said she only cares about you as a friend. How do you feel about her?”
Erik thought about it, as he absentmindedly rearranged the food on his plate with his fork.
“I don’t know how to answer that,” he said honestly.
“Either you have feelings for her, or you don’t,” Gabriel reasoned.
“Not necessarily,” Evan disagreed. “It took me a while to realize I was completely in love with Patrice. I was, but… it just kind of snuck up on me, as we became friends. Then I hurt her, and realized. I don’t recommend that, by the way.”
“Neither do I,” Justin said with feeling. “Whatever it is you feel, be honest about it. With yourself, I mean. Don’t deny it.”
“Yeah, and be honest with me too,” Gabriel chimed in. “Because I’ve been thinking about asking her out.”
The look in Erik’s eyes convinced the rest of the guys. The territorial feelings that flooded his heart, convinced him.
Gabriel nodded, and held up his hands.
“Pardon me, for raising your blood pressure. But now you know.”
Erik brushed his fingers through his hair, and ordered himself to remain calm. He glanced at Amber, and saw that she and the other two girls were heading back to the table.
He took another deep breath, and glanced at the rest of the guys.
“She won’t hear it from us,” Joshua replied, and the others shook their heads in agreement.
By the time the girls took their seats, the guys were as intently focused on consuming the food on their plates, as Caleb was with the roll in his hand.
“Erik…” Amber said hesitantly. He swallowed hard, and looked back at her.
“Yes?” he replied.
Her expression was apologetic. He wondered what that meant. She saw the nervousness in his eyes, and thought she understood.
“You don’t have to look so stressed,” she assured him. “I know you were kidding about all that. About getting married, and everything.”
“I’m not stressed,” he quickly replied. He wasn’t, about that, anyway. “And I know you were playing along. It worked, by the way. Those guys are at another table, now.”
“Good,” she said, giving the scorned Reggie a disdainful look. “Maybe he finally got the message.”
“If he ever bothers you again, I’ll make sure he does,” Erik promised.
“Thank you. You’re a good friend,” she reminded herself.
“So are you,” he determined not to forget.
Chapter 18
ROB’S thoughts were far away, as he stared into the fireplace’s flickering flames.
Samantha watched him as she brewed two cups of tea, then carried them to the coffee table. He didn’t even notice when she sat beside him on the couch.
“Rob?” she asked gently, and he glanced at her.
“Oh. Thanks,” he said, seeing the steaming mugs. He picked up the one nearest him, and stirred it slowly.
“What are you thinking?” she wondered.
“Lots of things,” Rob answered. “About my family, mostly.”
“What about them?”
“About growing up. About my father.”
Samantha gave him time to expound, but he said nothing more.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
“No,” Rob replied honestly. “But I need to.”
“Then talk to me,” she said, and he nodded slightly.
“You know my family’s dysfunctional. At least I’m pretty sure you figured that out already,” he said ruefully.
“It sounds like you figured that out, too,” she replied softly.
“I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to be better than that, I guess.”
“You don’t think it’s possible to be?” she tried to understand.
“No… it is. I know it is, because I am. I’m getting there. I don’t know how to explain what I mean.”
“Okay. Then… do you feel like the problems in your family reflect on you? So you carry the shame of the dysfunction caused by others?”
“Yes, I guess. It isn’t something to be proud of. I didn’t want people to know my parents fought all the time, or that my mom was—I don’t even have to say it. You already know what my mother is capable of, as well as anyone does,” he remembered with regret.
“I really hope so,” she replied honestly. “If your mother was holding back, I hate to think of the damage she’d inflict, if she wasn’t.”
“I’d have to agree,” he said wryly. “Either way, I’m sure she’s one of the reasons our dad drank himself to death.”
Samantha looked at him sharply.
“Your dad—what?”
“Our dad. He died of alcohol poisoning.”
“Rob, I am so sorry! I had no idea. I thought he died in an accident!” she said in shock.
“It probably was more accident, than suicide. He made our lives as miserable as we did his, so I can’t feel too sorry for him,” he
said, his voice tinged with bitterness.
“How old were you?” she wondered.
“Fifteen.”
She reached for his hand, then changed her mind and hugged him instead.
“Rob, I’m—so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult that was. All of it. Even now.”
He swallowed hard and nodded, as he soaked in the comfort she offered.
“Yeah. It was. I guess it still is. I try not to think about it. Samantha, I don’t know how to be a dad.”
“Because of your father,” she said, as she thought that through. “But what about your grandfather? You spent a lot of time with him, when you were growing up.”
Rob considered that.
“You’re right… and I want to be like him, not my dad.”
“We each have a choice,” she pointed out. “No matter what kind of father your grandfather was, your dad was able to be something else. And so can you.”
“I can,” Rob said, his heart lightening, as he remembered that he wasn’t on his own, now. “I am.”
“I believe that,” she encouraged him, and his heart lightened even more. Then it slowly sank.
“But… I’ve never wanted to be a dad. It’s not that I don’t like kids,” he hurried to say. “I don’t have anything against kids. I just never wanted that. I never considered it.”
“You were never willing to talk about it, either. But why?” she wondered.
“I look at how miserable my parents were. I don’t want that.”
“Wait,” she said, leaning back a little so she could see his face. “You blame yourself for their misery?”
“I’m sure it was more my fault, than Erik’s. It was their fault too, but… yes. And I don’t want that. I didn’t want that. I don’t want that, for us.”
Samantha closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then looked back at him steadily.
“Rob… were we miserable? Did we fight?”
“Well… yeah, but…”
“And it was the kids we didn’t have, it was their fault, I suppose?”
“No, but imagine how much worse it would’ve been, if we did have kids.”
“Okay, but that would be our fault, not theirs,” she said firmly. “Your parents’ misery, and their failure to communicate in a constructive way, was not your fault. It was not your fault, Rob. It was a grownup problem, and the adults, your parents, were the ones responsible for causing it. They should’ve taken responsibility and solved it, too. It’s not your fault that they didn’t. You were a kid, you weren’t the one in control. For that matter, do you really think any child could make you do what you didn’t want to do? Are you believing you’re that weak?”
“No,” he said, the thought irritating him.
“We did fight, and a lot of the time we were miserable. But we can change that, if we really want to. We’re the only ones who can.”
“I do want that, and I am. I know I was the one at fault,” he reminded her.
“I didn’t have to let you engage me, though. I contributed to the destruction of our relationship. I said awful things, too.”
“You also threw a few things,” he reminded her. Samantha looked apologetic.
“I don’t do that anymore,” she assured him.
“Good,” he teased, as he rubbed the side of his face. “Although… when you came over to model B to apologize, and I was being so mean, I would’ve been glad if you did.”
“Why?” she asked in surprise.
“Because then I’d know you still felt something for me. I wanted you to fight back, but you wouldn’t.”
“Rob…” Samantha sighed. “That’s how we used to relate to each other, but I don’t want to go back to that. You don’t either, I hope.”
“No, I don’t,” he said, tightening his arms around her. “This is better.”
“I agree. After I left, I started seeing a counselor. One thing I learned, was how destructive you and I were. We tore each other down, instead of building each other up. That makes no sense, when you think about it, but...”
“But, you’re right. It’s what we did,” he acknowledged. “I don’t want to mess up anymore. I said I’d go to counseling with you, and I meant it.”
“I’d like that,” she accepted.
“Good. I’m still nervous about the kid-thing, though,” he admitted. “I need time to get used to the idea.”
“How much time?”
“I don’t know. Is there any rush? It’s sort of like you said, we’re the adults. We need to take responsibility and solve our problems, and we should do that before we bring a kid into the picture. Not after.”
Samantha bit her lip.
She wanted Rob to be sure… he needed to be. But in the meantime, they already had a child. It was too late to resolve all their problems, first.
She felt conflicted. She saw the change in Rob, and wanted to believe it was real. She did believe. If he was faking it, that hard edge he used to have, would’ve resurfaced long before this.
Rob wondered at her silence, and felt concern.
“Samantha?”
“What?” she asked.
“You’re not talking.”
“I was just lost in thought, that’s all.”
Rob’s concern grew.
“I’ll probably come around,” he said, anxious to have that understood. “I will, I’ll come around. I just need time to get used to the idea. I need time to want this.”
“I don’t want to rush you,” she said, although the truth was—she did! The longer he took, the longer she’d have to keep Caleb’s identity a secret. The thought of having to pretend she was his aunt, instead of his mother, filled her with frustration. The thought of the time that would be spent away from Caleb, trying to keep up the charade... And what if Rob wanted to move back in together, while they went to counseling, and worked to rebuild their marriage? That was reasonable. Him moving into the apartment she shared with her sister, wasn’t! Moving in with him, and leaving Caleb behind, wasn’t either!
“You seem awfully tense,” Rob pointed out. “I’m doing the best I can. I thought you’d be happier.”
He sounded disappointed and a little hurt, and she hurried to reassure him.
“I know you are, and I am happy. I just—I’m not getting any younger,” she remembered.
“You’re twenty-five,” he replied.
“And getting older, by the minute,” she reasoned.
“I’m confused,” he stated, holding her back a little, so he could see her face. “What am I, the means to an end? You didn’t want me at all, just yesterday. Not that I blame you, but all you seem to want now, is a kid.”
“I’m sorry if that’s how it seems, it isn’t how I feel,” she swiftly replied.
“Then how do you feel?”
All sorts of things she wasn’t going to bring up, but…
“I’ve always wanted this, and I was never able to talk to you about it before, and… I’m not doing a very good job. I’m sorry. I love you, and I do want you. You’re not the means to an end. Not at all.”
“Okay… I hope not. Because I need to be wanted, just as much as any kid does.”
“I do want you,” she insisted.
“You do? For real?”
“Yes, for real,” she said, wrapping her arms around him again.
“That’s a relief,” he replied, and she laughed a little, and kissed his cheek. That, was an even bigger relief. “Then I’ll get used to the idea of having kids, and I promise I’ll even want them someday.”
“You will?” she asked, wanting very badly for that to be true.
“I will,” Rob said, and relief flooded her. “But I need some time. This is a huge mental shift, for me.”
“I understand, and I’m sorry for pressuring you,” Samantha apologized.
“It won’t break my heart if you stop, but it’s okay. More than anything, I’m thankful. I’d like to assume wanting me at all, means you want to reconcile.”
“Are you still?” he asked softly, as he brushed his fingers through her hair.
“I’m not afraid anymore,” she replied, as she tilted her face toward his.
The look in her eyes drew him in, and it was all he could do not to kiss her. He didn’t want to go too fast, like he did last night, and end up back where he started. No matter how long it took—
Samantha derailed his train of thought, and kissed him. Rob’s arms tightened around her, and he responded.
She suddenly pushed away a little, and raised an eyebrow. Rob looked back at her with concern.
“What?” he wondered.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” she asked.
“Like… what? Just a second ago, you wanted a kid, like yesterday. And I’m okay with that, now,” he replied. His efforts to kiss her again were foiled, as she burst out laughing.
“You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. But what I meant is, I want my rings back!”
She held up her left hand, where the imprint left behind on her ring finger, was clearly visible.
Rob smiled as he reached in his pocket, and retrieved her engagement and wedding rings. The diamonds glittered in the firelight, as he placed them back on her finger, where they belonged.
“Happy now?” he asked, as he risked pulling her close, again.
“Than I’ve ever been,” she smiled back, and kissed him.
ERIK held Amber’s elbow, steadying her as she stepped off the curb, and onto the church parking lot. Her foot slid, and she clutched his sleeve and the front of his coat.
“I think I wore the wrong boots,” she gasped, and Erik glanced at them briefly.
“Don’t worry. I’ve got you,” he replied.
“I think I’ve got you, more than you do me,” she joked, tightening her grip on his jacket.
“I’m afraid you’re right,” he said wryly. He was still reeling from the realization that his feelings for her were much deeper than that of a friend. A friend who was five years her senior, he reminded himself.
“If I let go, I may fall flat,” she informed him.
“I won’t let you fall,” he replied, although as long as she fell for him, he might be okay with that.
Disengaged (Terms of Engagement Book 3) Page 30