This didn’t fit. Carrying her sister’s babies was supposed to be a gift. How could she lose them? A different womb was supposed to be the fix Nikki so desperately wanted.
Sondra sobbed over the next wave of agonizing pain.
Zack turned to the doctor, desperate for some release for her. “Isn’t there anything you can do?”
He nodded. “I’ve ordered something through the IV. The nurse should be in shortly.”
Zack turned back and stroked Sondra’s hair. “It’ll be okay. The doctor has ordered some pain medication.”
Sondra shook her head against the paper lining. “This is not going to be okay. This is not supposed to be happening.”
“The pain meds should help.” The agony in his face reflected her own.
Sondra stared up at Zack and whispered. “There are only four left. They can’t make any more.”
“How could you even consider doing this again?” His voice was anguished.
Sondra gripped Zack’s hand and gritted her teeth through another wave of pain. “I… I don’t know if I can.”
“This is too big of a sacrifice. I don’t want you going through this.”
Sondra stared at Zack a moment. He sounded serious. “Women do this every day.”
“But for their own child, not someone else’s.”
“I promised.” Sondra managed through gritted teeth.
“Some promises were never meant to be made.”
She took a deep breath after the pain lessened. “Wasn’t it you who told me family ties are the most important?”
“How many women do you know who have volunteered to carry their sister’s child?”
“That’s not fair. And you know it.”
Zack smoothed back her hair again and dabbed the sweat off her brow. “I just know I can’t stand seeing you in this kind of pain. And for what? To help your sister be a single mother?”
“Zack!” Sondra protested. “How can you say such a thing?”
Zack clenched his jaw as another spasm of pain showed on the monitor. “You can’t hide. The machine shows it even if you try. I can’t see you do this again.”
“I have to try. Nikki can’t carry them.” Sondra’s voice was a strained whisper.
“Maybe if Brad gets better…” Zack almost choked on his words.
Sondra shook her head again. “Even if he survives, he’s sterile. It’s not repairable.”
Zack looked like he was about to say something and then stopped.
By early the next morning, Sondra had lost the babies.
Before she was released from the hospital, the physician who had treated her came in.
Sondra’s voice was weak. “My sister miscarried recently. She had to have a D&C. Am I going to have to have one, too?”
He shook his head. “You were early enough in the pregnancy that you shouldn’t have to. Follow up with your doctor. You’ll need to have your hormone levels checked in four weeks. If they’re back to normal, you won’t need one.”
“Thanks. I will.” Sondra signed the release forms and was promptly guided to a wheelchair by a waiting nurse, who followed Zack to their car.
“Take it easy.” Were her last instructions as Zack reached over to buckle her in.
She would’ve protested, but she was hardly aware of her surroundings. The pain medications were making her drowsy and she was weak from the intense pain she’d lived through.
She’d always thought the pain of birth was from the size of the baby. Having pain this intense from contractions wasn’t something she’d expected, and it wasn’t something she wanted to live through again. Not now. Not ever. Zack was right. Promise or no promise, she was done.
Profound grief at losing the babies was also something she hadn’t expected. For the short time she’d carried them, she had grown to love them. The box of tissues she’d nabbed from the funeral wouldn’t last long.
When Sondra’s tears turned into wracking sobs, Zack found a convenient exit and stopped the car. He held her until her sobs settled into sniffles. He didn’t talk.
Finally, Sondra pulled away and tried to smile. “Thanks for everything. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you there.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t fix this.”
“It’s not your fault.” She stared out the window and then back at him. She took a deep breath. “I’m going to have to call Nikki.”
Sondra closed her eyes a moment and took a deep breath. She locked her gaze with Zack’s and then pulled out her phone. “Here goes…”
She listened to the ringing of the phone and was afraid it would go into voice mail when Nikki’s weary voice answered. “Sondra?”
Tears were already running down her face again. She couldn’t deliver this message without feeling some of her sister’s pain. “I’m so sorry. I lost the babies.”
Nikki’s wail had Sondra pulling the phone away. When her sobs had subsided enough for Sondra to talk, she promised, “I’ll try again, Nikki. It’ll be okay. It’ll work next time.” As determined as she’d been just a few minutes ago to never try again, she couldn’t stop herself from comforting her sister. She would try again.
Hearing her sister’s anguish was more than she could bear. And she felt the loss almost as deeply as Nikki did. She didn’t realize how attached she would be to the babies. The act of carrying them was bonding. She didn’t know how she’d be able to step aside and hand them over, but this was her sister, and she would do all she could to help her. She always had.
“You’ll do that?” Nikki’s voice showed she was trying to believe the words she’d just heard.
“Of course. When can we try again?”
Nikki’s voice was raw through her tears. “You’ll have to give your body some time to recover. My doctor had me wait at least three months.”
“I didn’t realize how tired I would be.” Sondra chewed on her thumbnail and then stopped, clenching her hands instead. “I have a big case coming up in March. I’ll have to wait until April. How is Brad going to take this?”
“He’s sitting here next to me, and he’s as b-bro-oken up as I am.” Nikki cleared her throat so she could continue. “We want you to know that if the babies don’t take, we aren’t going to blame you. We know there is nothing you could do.” She started to sob again. After a moment, she controlled her sobs enough to say, “Maybe there is something in our genetics. Maybe it’s just God’s will that we not have any children. Maybe…” And then she couldn’t finish.
Brad got on the line. “Thanks, Sondra. We realize what a sacrifice this is. You don’t have to do this again.” Then the phone went dead.
Knowing Brad, he had gone to comfort Nikki.
She shut the phone and stared unseeingly at the soundwalls that flew by while Zack was driving. She couldn’t stem the flow of tears, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been earlier.
She did have to do this again. She didn’t really have a choice, and she had known that the day Nikki had thrown the request at her.
Chapter Fourteen, Dewk
Silence reigned. When Sondra’s tears started to dry, Zack broke it. “Did you say you were going to try again in April?”
Sondra nodded, too emotional to talk. She waited for a lecture that didn’t come. After a hiccuppy sob, she asked, “How did you know?”
“There wasn’t a lot of talking. I didn’t have much to interpret.”
“Nikki said Dr. Lloyd always made her wait at least three months, and I have a big case pending. I’ve worked months on it. I don’t feel like I can just hand it over to a different attorney.”
Zack reached over and patted her hand. “No one expects you to hand over your cases. April will give your body some time to recuperate.” He stared out at the freeway, not meeting her gaze. His voice was calm, not accusing, but he couldn’t help himself. “After the pain you were in, I wouldn’t blame you for refusing to do it again.”
Another hiccup. This time it wasn’t a sob. She was gaining control. “Oth
er women live through this. I just didn’t realize…”
“Do you feel like eating anything?” Zack switched subjects.
She shook her head. “I just couldn’t.”
“Did you want to fly back to Salt Lake?” He asked as he was pulling into the hotel.
Sondra thought about facing the office again. “No. Can we stick to our original plans? I’d still like to meet your grandmother. We left before I could.” She paused and then swallowed hard. “When are you going to tell Jade?”
His look of surprise seemed genuine. “I don’t think she needs to know, do you?”
“But she’s expecting either nieces or nephews in about nine months.”
“Which we both know won’t be hers.” Zack’s voice was grave. “I’m not going to say anything unless she asks.”
“Why did you say anything then?”
For the first time since she’d met him, he seemed to be embarrassed. “Sometimes Jade just hits a nerve. I wanted to get her to quit asking questions. I admit it wasn’t the smartest thing to say given our situation.”
“I’ll agree with you there, but you can’t take words back once they’ve been spoken.” She paused a moment and then asked, “Do you and Jade talk often?”
“We haven’t, but that might change.” Zack grabbed one of the remaining tissues and dabbed at a tear wandering down Sondra’s face. “I’ll handle Jade. You don’t need to worry.”
Sondra sniffed again. “I’m tired.”
The valet was walking up to the car. Zack handed over the keys and a tip and then opened the door for Sondra. “Let’s get back to our rooms. We’ll discuss plans after you’ve had some rest.”
* * *
Tears and exhaustion translated into sleep. A light rap on the door woke Sondra. She stared at the unfamiliar ceiling and tried to remember where she was. Memories of the prior night caused her to clutch her empty stomach.
She pulled on her robe and walked to the connecting door, running fingers through snarls as she went. Her hair had morphed into an uncontrollable mess. Serves me right for spending the day in bed. She glanced at the clock. It was after six.
Zack was standing at the door, preparing to knock again. He dropped his hand. “You’re looking chipper.”
“If you can’t think of something better than that, I’m going to shut the door.”
Confused embarrassment raced across his face.
Sondra took pity on him. Neither of them had been in this situation before, and she wouldn’t have known what to say, either.
After a moment of silence, he finally said, “I ordered a salad for you. Do you feel like eating?”
Her stomach had awakened enough to remind her that she hadn’t eaten all day. “As a matter of fact, I do.” She stopped. The mirror behind him revealed that she was standing in his doorway with a mop attached to her head. What was she thinking? “I just need some alone time. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
Zack pretended not to notice, but Sondra had seen the evidence. She looked about as good as that dead chucker Dewk had barfed up in Scott’s truck. Not that she’d seen it herself…
Twelve minutes later, it was Sondra’s turn to knock on the connecting door. As he was opening the door, Zack said, “You know, you don’t have to knock. We’re married.”
Her eyes narrowed. What was he playing at? “Do tell.”
“If I want privacy, I can go in the bathroom and lock the door. Given what happened last night, I’d like you to be able to just come on in. I don’t have anything to hide.”
“After last night, there shouldn’t be a reason for me to come in.” They stared at each other a moment. Zack looked terrified that the spigot would open again. Sondra took a deep breath and continued, “Thanks for the offer, though.”
“It stands.”
Sondra furrowed her brow, trying to understand what he meant.
He didn’t elaborate. Instead, he pulled the covers off the food and offered her a green salad mixed with whole blueberries and sliced strawberries. Creamy white dressing dotted with poppy seeds was served in a small white bowl. Sugar-coated chopped pecans were in a different bowl. The other plate held several different sandwiches.
“This looks perfect.” Sondra approved. “What kinds of sandwiches are there?”
“I thought you’d like a choice.” He pointed at the varieties. “This one is ham and cheese, there is turkey and swiss, turkey with cranberries , and that one is roast beef.”
After Sondra had eaten enough to take the edge off her hunger, she asked, “Have you decided what you wanted to do?”
“I thought you wanted to follow the original plan, but I didn’t want to make a decision until I knew if you were really up to the trip.”
“I’m feeling fine now. A bit tired, but I’ve been feeling that way since the twins―” She stopped and swallowed. She wasn’t ready to talk about her loss.
“We’ll leave first thing in the morning.” He was decisive.
“How long does it take to get to Philly from here?”
“A couple of hours.”
“I forget how little distance there is between states on the east coast,” she admitted.
“Yeah. It’s not far. That’s why I thought we could drive. Are you feeling like travelling?”
“I’m still awfully tired, but I’d rather be going somewhere than staying here.” She tried to read his face, which was carefully impartial. He wasn’t going to influence her decision one way or the other. “Does your grandmother know we’re coming?” she asked.
“If you remember, I didn’t give Jade any timeframes. I thought we’d drive out in the morning, catch some historical sites, then see Granny on Tuesday. I thought we’d see how you feel the rest of the week. I’ve rescheduled the flight back for Thursday.”
“That sounds good.” She chewed on her lip a moment and then asked the question that had been on her mind. “Why do you call her Granny?”
“She named herself. It was a term she always loved. When you meet her, you’ll understand.”
“I’m looking forward to it.” She stood up and stretched. “I’m going to crash again. I’m sorry. I’m not usually so exhausted.”
“Your body needs to recover. Don’t worry about it. Let’s plan on breakfast at eight. Is that okay?”
“That will be fine.” She stepped to the connecting door, then turned and caught Zack’s eyes. They were unreadable. What was she thinking they would say?
She shut the connecting doors and turned the bolt. He might want their doors open, but she wasn’t ready to be that intimate with someone who had labeled their relationship temporary. Well, it was her who had put the temporary label on it. He just wholeheartedly embraced it.
She stared at her phone a moment. Should I call Nikki? Would it help? She bit her lip. How could anything I say help? Despite her fears, she picked up the phone. When Nikki picked up, Sondra asked, “How are you feeling? Are you doing okay?”
She was prepared for the expected tears. What she didn’t expect was Nikki’s reply. “Thanks so much for calling. I don’t think there is anyone on the planet who understands how I feel. I know the babies are mine, but you are the one who carried them. I don’t know why, but this loss is almost harder than when I miscarried.”
“I’m so sorry. Why are you feeling that way?” Sondra asked.
“I…I don’t know.” Nikki cleared her throat. “I guess I’m wondering if this is really what the Lord wants. I never really took the time to think and to pray. Brad and I just wanted children to add to our eternal family. Our patriarchal blessings talk about our children.”
What am I supposed to say? Being in court is child’s play compared to this. “You have four more. I will try again.” Sondra promised.
“But what if they don’t take?” Nikki’s voice shook. “What then? Were our blessings all lies?”
Sondra shook her head before she remembered Nikki couldn’t see her. “The blessings are meant for this life and the life after. I kn
ow you’ll be blessed with your children. I just don’t know when it might happen. In the meantime, don’t give up hope.”
“It’s just so hard.”
“I can’t imagine.”
“Well, you’re closer to being able to understand than anyone else.” Nikki said.
“Yes, but I’m not the one whose husband has cancer.”
“He’s getting better every day.”
“You think the new therapy is helping?” Sondra asked.
“I know it is.” Nikki’s tone changed. In all the grief she was experiencing, here was hope.
Sondra took a deep breath. “I’ll keep praying for you. In the meantime, we’ll plan on another implantation in April.”
“Are you sure you want to go through with this?”
Sondra didn’t ever want to tell Nikki how awful the miscarriage was. How much pain she’d been in. That would be just one more burden to pile on her. She cleared her throat, unable to speak for a moment. “Of course, I’ll go through this. By the way, how is Dewk doing?”
Silence.
“Nikki? Are you there?”
Nikki’s voice took on a strangled tone. “Dewk is dead.”
“What? What happened?” Death. There had been too much of it. She couldn’t process it. Dewk had been a part of her life for three years.
“I don’t know. I went to feed him yesterday and he was lying on the snow. We took him to the vet. He’s having an autopsy done. I didn’t want to tell you until we knew the results.”
“P-please call me when you get them.” Sondra hung up the phone before Nikki could reply. She stared at the connecting door. This was a big straw. Her back wasn’t that strong.
She tapped on the connecting door. It took a moment for Zack to open it. He was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt that stretched around his muscles. Sondra collapsed into his arms and sobbed. He pressed her to him and let her cry. “Shhhh. It’ll be alright,” accompanied by him stroking her hair finally got through.
She pulled back. “Dewk is dead.”
His brows pulled together in confusion. “What happened?”
“Nikki doesn’t know. The autopsy isn’t done. She’ll call me back when it is.” She sniffed and grabbed a tissue from the table. “I-I’m not built for this.”
Lined With Silver Page 14