She’d known all along, really, they weren’t a good match. But it hurt more than she thought it would. She could blame herself, for keeping parts of her heart from him, but in the end, she was glad now. She was glad now she had parts of herself she hadn’t given him.
It made it easier to walk away.
Well, not walk away without feeling anything. But it did buy her a few minutes more before she fell apart.
She used the luggage Grace insisted on buying her, claiming Raven would never know if Jax would decide to whisk her off to Paris on a whim. Grace had even made sure Raven had a passport, just in case.
She stuffed the suitcases full to bursting, and she worried how she would get it all outside, but Justin knocked on her door and said, “Mr. Jax said you would be needing assistance, miss.”
Help her get out as fast as she could. She wouldn’t thank Jax for it, but she wouldn’t turn Justin down, either.
She gestured to the baggage. “Thank you, Justin. You may take these cases. I need to change and have a word with Mariah. I’ll be out as quickly as possible.”
My, didn’t she sound refined?
“Very well, miss.”
She changed into a dress and knee-high boots. After brushing her hair and fixing her makeup, she stuffed the last of her things into a satchel.
The room was almost empty but for the books she borrowed from Jax’s library. She could take them, and maybe sell them online for a pretty penny, but even without looking in the envelope, she knew she had enough to last her and Elle for quite some time.
She’d leave the books.
She’d leave her heart behind, too.
The house was so quiet she could hear the grandfather clock ticking downstairs. She knocked on Jax’s door.
He’d forgotten one very important thing.
The thing that had started it all.
When there wasn’t an answer, she pushed the door open. Her heart pounded, but it slowed just a little as she discovered the empty room. Raven refused to look at the bed, instead keeping the writing desk in her tunnel vision. The papers were right where she’d found them, and it took her only a second to find the signature line at the bottom of the last page.
She took his Mont Blanc and scrawled her name.
There would be no reason for him to come find her.
Nothing she did now was any of his business.
She could marry Axel.
She could go back to the streets.
She could do anything she damn well pleased.
It was too bad she wanted to marry Jax.
Raven kept the papers open to the last page and set her engagement ring on top of her signature.
He’d given her what she wanted.
And now he could say she kept her end of the bargain.
She left the pen laying on his desk.
Raven would never see this room again.
Didn’t want to see this room again.
There were too many ghosts.
Unwisely, she took a moment, and leaned against the doorjamb while she caught her breath. She needed to remain calm, cool. She needed to tell Mariah goodbye without breaking down.
Once she gained her composure, she found Mariah prepping dinner. Tonight’s lesson plan would have been some kind of Mexican dish Mariah had grown up making for her family. Already spices floated through the air.
“Mariah, there’s been—”
“Oh, Raven, Mr. Jax, he told me.”
“H-he has?”
“Sí, sí. Your mama, she very ill, no? You go see her.”
Mariah’s dark brown eyes teared with worry, a frown creasing her smooth skin.
Of course Jax would have this figured out.
What to say.
A cover story he would tell everyone to absolve him of guilt.
Maybe he never changed after all.
He was still the same old Jax. Couldn’t take responsibility for anything he did.
Raven forced a smile. “Yes. I don’t think I’ll be back. I’ll miss you, Mariah. Thank you, for everything.”
Mariah hugged her, and it was difficult for her to escape the cook’s embrace.
Raven took a few steps toward the door. “Mariah, I need to make a phone call. Do you have Mr. Erik’s number?”
“It is there, on the list by the phone,” Mariah said, nodding to a landline telephone hanging on the wall next to the pantry.
“Thanks.”
She dialed Erik’s cell phone number, and he picked up on the second ring. “Mariah, are you all right?”
“Erik, it’s me, Raven.”
“Raven, you’re in the kitchen? For your dinner lesson? Are you inviting me to dinner?”
She would miss Erik and his easy demeanor, but she didn’t fool herself into thinking they could stay friends. Though she would need to depend on Jax’s money for a little while, cutting herself out of his life as quickly as possible would be the only way to move on, the only way to try to keep the pain at bay.
Mariah stared at Raven with concern, and Raven turned her back so the poor cook wouldn’t hear the truth. “I’m ummm, well. Ah.” God. She didn’t want to say anything horrible to Erik, not about Jax, not since they’ve been getting along so well.
“I was just on my way to Finn’s, but I can turn around,” Erik said, amused.
“No! No. I . . .” Suddenly tears clogged her throat, the last of her control slipping. Say it fast and hang up. “Jax, he, he broke it off with me. I’m leaving. Tonight. Now. I, ah, was calling to ummm, let you know and ask if you could stop by and check on him. He didn’t look well.” Deep breath. “Goodbye, Erik, I’ll miss you.”
She slammed the phone into the cradle and scampered from the kitchen as fast as her high-heeled boots would allow her on the slippery waxed tiles. If she took another look at Mariah, she would become completely unglued.
Raven paused in the foyer to grab a jacket. She would only take one, and she slipped on a black trench coat that would match everything she owned.
She ran her fingers over the black cape, and she pushed the memory of her first dinner date with Jax aside.
Justin waited for her, leaning against the car. He took the satchel she remembered to bring with her from the kitchen. “Where to, miss?”
She rattled off the address to her parents’ house.
Raven prayed to God they’d be happy to see her.
Feeling unbelievably rude, she raised the divider between Justin and her, and as he drove down the driveway, she pushed her face into the cushion of the seat to hopefully muffle the keening she could no longer keep inside.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Jax slouched in a leather armchair in his library and tried to focus on his brother who stood just inside the door, his face red with anger, but it was no use. Too much whiskey. And scotch. Or was it bourbon?
“Should have known she’d call in the cavalry,” Jax muttered. Not that it would do any good. What was done was done.
“What the hell happened?”
“Nothin’ to you.”
“You told me you loved her,” Erik accused, throwing his jacket onto a chair.
“It’s why I did it.”
“You’re not making any fucking sense. You love her. What did you do to her?”
Jax knocked back another drink. The blame in his brother’s voice grated on his nerves. “I didn’t do anything to her. I did it for her.”
“Like hell. Everything you’ve ever done since the shooting you’ve done for yourself. You never did anything for anybody, if you didn’t get something out of it, too. So, what? What you had with Raven . . . you decided it wasn’t worth it? You weren’t going to get enough out of it? She loved you, and it just wasn’t quite what you were looking for, so you cut her loose.”
Jax’s blood simmered out of control, and he took the crystal cut glass and flung it across the room where the glass shattered against the fireplace. “You want to fucking know? You want to fucking know what happene
d? I went to the police station today and talked with my former chief. That guy I shot? He was Raven’s brother. Do you have any fucking idea what she would have done if I would’ve told her? She would have spit on me. She would have despised me. I did what I had to do. I would rather her hate me for anything, anything, than for killing her brother.”
A sob cut him off, and he turned his head away. Jax didn’t want his brother to see him like this. Erik had seen him at his worst, but this was a new kind of hell.
“I don’t understand. Raven had a brother?”
Jax would have laughed at Erik’s bewilderment if it hadn’t been so infuriating. “Didn’t you ever talk to her? Didn’t she tell you when she was fifteen she lost her brother? It’s all she told me; it’s all I knew.”
“That’s why she was on the streets. Because she was mourning her brother.”
“Give the man a fucking cigar.”
“But she knew you’d shot someone, that it had been an accident. Surely if she forgave you a stranger, she would forgive you her brother.”
Jax rubbed his face.
The scream. The scream he hadn’t thought he’d heard through his own, the scream that had come from across the park.
“She saw it.”
“No,” Erik whispered.
“She was there, Erik. The investigative officer questioned her family, and she was there. Raven had been at a friend’s house working on a school project. She cut through the park to go home—he cut through the park to pick her up. Every detail was in the report. Raven saw her brother shot down.”
“She saw you? You, specifically?”
Jax grabbed a fresh glass from the bar and poured himself another drink. His reality was coming back.
“Not me, a blue uniform. But that’s enough, don’t you think? Do you think she would still want to be married to me after she found out? And she would—eventually. Do you think she could look me in the eye every day for the rest of her life and not see a murderer?”
“Then tell her,” Erik begged, sinking onto the leather loveseat. “Tell her. Things can’t get any worse than they already are.”
Jax downed his drink, appreciating the warmth that once again slid through his belly. “No.”
“Then I will.” Erik grabbed his jacket and made for the door. “If you won’t, I will.”
“You never could stay out of my business, could you? You’re always putting your nose where it doesn’t belong.” Jax paused, weighed his words carefully as they could never be taken back.
He knew, on some level, his relationship with his brother would change, would never be the same, but he didn’t care. He just didn’t care about any of it.
Jax said the words even as they shamed him. “Just like your dick.”
Color drained from Erik’s face. “I hadn’t realized you felt that way. Thank you for telling me. I’ll tell Mom you need someone to check on you, and I won’t bother you, ever again.”
Jax was alone, just like he wanted to be. At least, he tried to tell himself that.
And he drank more than he’d ever drank before to make himself believe it.
The car lights faded into the night as Justin drove away.
Raven’s parents’ house was lit up, but that didn’t mean anyone would be there. That didn’t mean they would let her in if they were. She’d be in trouble if they turned her away. They lived in a residential neighborhood, and it would be a few miles’ walk to a hotel. And she wouldn’t be able to bring most of her luggage. Perhaps she’d been unwise letting Justin go. But she didn’t want to have to depend on Jax any more than she already had.
The mild evening did nothing to alleviate the feverish sweat dampening her face, and she smoothed her forehead as she waited for someone to answer her knock.
She stiffened when a figure appeared in silhouette behind the stained glass of the front door, and she pasted a smile on her face.
Her father opened the door, and immediately tears filled his eyes. “Raven,” he choked. “My little girl.”
He opened his arms, and Raven fell into them. “Dad.”
“Come in, come in. You’re mother . . . Ever since that young man—”
“Slow down, Dad.” Raven wanted to burst with joy. Never in her wildest dreams did she think she would receive this kind of welcome.
“Roz, look who’s come home. See how pretty she looks.”
Raven was once again taken into a huge hug, this time by her mother, her mother’s scent washing over her as comforting as a favorite blanket.
It’d been too long.
Much too long.
“You look so good, Raven,” Roz gushed, wedging herself between the sofa’s armrest and Raven.
Raven sat sandwiched between her parents and had never felt happier.
Well, maybe once.
“Thanks, Mom.” She’d envisioned this reunion a million times. She had so much she wanted to say, but now she found herself tongue-tied and unable to lift her eyes from her hand clutched in her mother’s in Raven’s lap.
Phillip tried again, and the pressure in Raven’s chest to make conversation eased.
“That young man . . . rich. He came by looking for you. It looks like he succeeded.”
Raven listened for recrimination, but there was none, and she relaxed another degree. Maybe this time it would be different.
“Yes. We met . . . well, I was cleaning a church and . . .”
“We know, baby girl. He told us.” Phillip gently placed a hand on Raven’s shoulder.
“I’ve always tried, Mom, Dad, to get back on my feet. Somehow. When Jax said he’d help me in exchange for a divorce, I took it. I hope you don’t think poorly of me.”
Roz squeezed her daughter’s hand tighter. “No. If that man helped you, that’s all that matters.”
“I didn’t have much time there, at his house, I mean, before he got tired of me.”
She had to stop speaking then, because she didn’t want to cry. This visit was supposed to be happy.
“Raven,” her mother whispered, “you fell in love with him, didn’t you?”
Raven attempted a smile. “Well, things happen. But he made it clear when I left we were over. So, that’s that.”
“Your clothes, and your luggage, your hair and makeup. That was all him?” Phillip asked.
“Yes, well, his mother. I’m almost ready to take my GED test, too. I was seeing a therapist. Jax knew I was trying my best to be a better person, so you would let me into your lives again. If you don’t want me to stay with you, he gave me an apartment to use downtown and an allowance, too, until I can get a job.”
“Raven—” Phillip started.
“You’ll do no such thing,” Roz cried.
“Ever since that man came here looking for you, we waited for word. We prayed to God he would find you, and let us know you were safe. When we didn’t hear anything, we thought the worst. You’re staying with us for as long as you like.”
Raven pushed herself off the old couch and trailed a finger over the fireplace mantel. It saddened her there weren’t any family photos in her parents’ house anymore. She’d have to fix that.
“I would love to stay with you, but . . . I made a couple friends while I lived . . . elsewhere. I need to check on them.”
Her father opened his mouth to protest, but Raven lifted a finger to quiet him. “They are my friends, and I need to check on their wellbeing. That’s all. I’ve come too far, worked too hard, to jeopardize what I have. I don’t want to lose you again, either.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Roz said, waving a hand in the air as if to dissipate a sour odor. “God, look at you. You don’t look like you belong in this little house.”
Raven tried not to be hurt even while knowing what her mother said was true.
She needed to find her place. It wasn’t on the streets. It wouldn’t be at her parents’ house. Not long-term, anyway.
It wasn’t at Jax’s.
She would do her bes
t, one day at a time, until she found where she belonged.
“Grace Brooks spared no expense,” she said smoothing the skirt of her dress. “Listen, Mom, Dad. I need to go see Levi’s grave. I haven’t been there since his funeral.”
“Your mom and I go every Sunday after church. He would like that, Raven.” Phillip cleared his throat. “We need you to know we never blamed you, sweetheart.”
“I know. I blamed myself. Jax paid for a good therapist. Dr. Wheland said I could keep seeing him, even without Jax paying for it, and I think I will. He made me see that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Not mine for being late. Not yours for asking him to come find me. Not even the cop’s for shooting him.” Her voice broke on a sob. “People always say, ‘they wouldn’t want you to live that way’, but I think in Levi’s case, it’s really true. He would have hated my time on the streets, and he would be glad they’re over.”
“I think so, too.” Roz stepped around the coffee table and wiped the tears off Raven’s cheeks. “It’s good to have you back, baby.”
Phillip wrapped his arms around Raven and his wife. “I agree,” he said, pressing a kiss onto the top of Raven’s head. “I agree.”
Raven stayed with her parents for two weeks before she visited Elle.
She made herself have patience, and the time she spent with her parents was like a soothing balm. She cooked with her mother, showed her how to make some of the dishes Mariah had taught her. She watched home movies with her dad, and sometimes he would take her out driving for practice. She had yet to take the test for her driver’s license, but she looked forward to driving her own car.
During quiet evenings in front of the fireplace, she told them about her time with Jax, and Phillip and Roz encouraged her to take up where Jax’s help had left off.
Raven signed up for GED classes. She called Dr. Wheland and explained the situation. He repeated his offer, and Raven gratefully accepted, scheduling an appointment.
Raven took her time in her parents’ house, reveled in the seconds, minutes, hours she spent with them.
But after two weeks, she needed to see Elle. The haunted look on her friend’s face wouldn’t let her be.
She took the bus as close to Z Avenue as it would go, and she walked the remaining blocks.
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