“There’s maybe a match for you there,” Roz speculated, a gleam in her eye.
The country club was something her parents picked up while she’d been living on the streets, and nothing could have interested her less.
Tennis, parties, luncheons, the whole thing seemed like a tremendous bore, not to mention completely frivolous after fending for herself for so many years.
Adjusting to her parents’ lifestyle would take time, and insulting what they’d come to enjoy wouldn’t be starting off her relationship with them on the right foot. If she wasn’t going to move out—and how could she yet?—she would need to play by her parents’ rules. That meant making her mother happy. There wouldn’t be harm in it; she would just have to figure out what was important to her, and pay forward Jax’s kindness in her own way.
“That sounds like fun.”
Her mother rewarded her with a huge smile. “I know just the young man to introduce you to. He’s a hedge fund manager.”
Roz could introduce her to a million men, but it wouldn’t matter. Though she’d given it back, she still glimpsed the rose gold and diamonds she used to wear on her left hand.
Rings were a symbol of continuity, of never-ending love. Where one ended, the other began. Forever.
Jax had saved her. In every way that mattered.
That had to count for something.
She’d given Jax her heart, and he’d given it back.
Raven had no desire to give it to anyone else.
She’d rather be alone.
“Sounds great, Mom.”
As her mother waved to a friend, Raven gazed over the bright spring flowers of the garden to hide the tears that sprang to her eyes.
She missed Jax.
Raven could stop lying to herself any day now.
Spring faded into summer, and summer melded into fall. As the weeks and months went by, Raven hoped she would feel better as time went on.
But while she waited for her wounds to heal, the opposite was true.
Raven thought about Jax all the time. Whether doing the activities her mother planned, or sitting in classes at the community college near her parents’ house, Raven waited.
And waited.
She spoke to Dr. Wheland about her feelings, how empty she felt, how afraid she was Jax had taken up with another woman who wouldn’t love him—just spend his money.
After a particular teary session, she sagged against the building, tears slipping down her cheeks.
There hadn’t been much he could tell her, of course.
There wasn’t a cure for a broken heart.
“Raven, love. Are you all right?”
Raven wiped her cheeks and smiled in simple joy. She hadn’t thought she’d see Erik Brooks ever again. “Erik! I’m okay.” She sniffled. “I’m still seeing Dr. Wheland, and I just finished an emotional session with him. You’re looking quite dapper, if I may say so.”
Erik patted the pockets of his suit, keys jingling. “Keeping up appearances for the ladies,” he said, winking, but a shadow crossed over his face for just a moment.
“Did something happen between you and Finn?” Raven asked, adjusting her purse. It had taken some getting used to, carrying a purse. Lipgloss, tampons, keys for her parents’ house and the car her father purchased to make it easier for her to attend classes. Her new cellphone. Wallet. Money. The list was endless.
Things she hadn’t had to think about in years.
“No. We’re well, thank you for asking. Listen, are you free for a cup of coffee?” he asked as a woman walking several dogs narrowed her eyes at them. “We can find a quiet place to catch up.”
Raven stifled a smile when Erik inched away from a Pekinese nosing his shoe.
It probably wasn’t wise to spend time with Erik; it wasn’t like they could be friends. If Jax found out, Erik would pay. She didn’t want to put him through that.
But just an hour wouldn’t hurt. Maybe it would give her the closure Dr. Wheland said she didn’t have, what with Jax kicking her out without warning, making it more difficult for her to move on.
Maybe it would help if she heard Jax was doing okay.
“That would be nice. There’s a café a block from here that bakes chocolate chip croissants to die for.”
“Lead the way,” Erik said, holding out an arm for her to take.
She didn’t try to speak until they were settled at a corner high top table near the window overlooking the busy sidewalk, and she hung her purse on the back of her stool as she asked, “How have you been?”
“Don’t you mean, how is Jax?”
Raven breathed in the scent of gooey chocolate as the barista delivered their orders, but she didn’t pick up her fork. “Jax made sure he’s no longer a concern of mine. I asked about you.”
Erik took a sip of his latte from a mug the size of a bowl. It was another reason Raven loved the café.
“Jax and I don’t speak. He decided he couldn’t accept my . . . preferences.”
“That doesn’t sound like him,” Raven said. “When we invited you and Finn for dinner, he had a good time.”
Erik leaned against the wobbly table, his arms resting on the sticky surface. “He said what he said because he wanted to hurt me and cut off communication. I doubt he meant it, but his words caused the desired affect nonetheless. You haven’t been in contact with him at all?”
“No. Why would I? I’ve been doing my best to keep going. I have my driver’s license now. I’m still seeing Dr. Wheland. He was kind enough to take me pro bono twice a week. I earned my GED, and I’m taking classes at a community college. My parents joined a country club while I was . . . gone . . . and my mother has been dragging me to various activities. She’s been pushing me to spend time with this guy. He’s very nice but . . .” She used both hands to steady her mug as she took a long sip of coffee.
“Aren’t you well, Raven?” Erik asked, touching her arm.
Smooth and soft, with manicured fingernails, his hands reminded her of Jax’s touch, and she looked away.
“My mother, she pretends I wasn’t living on the streets, that I was, I don’t know, in Nevada or something. I talk about Z Avenue, and her eyes narrow at me like I’m talking about joining the KKK. I’m trying to fit in, and for the most part, well . . . let’s just say I’m trying. I didn’t fit in with Jax, or he wouldn’t have gotten rid of me. I don’t fit in with my parents and the life they started living without me. Dr. Wheland said it will take time to find my place. But the only place I felt like me was on the streets.”
And in Jax’s arms.
“Love—” Erik started, tension pulling at his eyes.
“No, I know. I won’t go back there. My friend is gone, and I heard Jax stole Axel from me.”
“He didn’t kick you out because you didn’t fit in,” Erik said. He took a sip of coffee. “He had other reasons.”
“When you love someone, you’re supposed to be able to work through anything. When Levi was shot, my parents got through that together. They didn’t turn on each other. They love each other. Jax didn’t love me. He said he did, but he didn’t.”
“He did. I truly believe he did. Does. But, he found out . . . something.” Erik dabbed at his forehead with a handkerchief he pulled out of his pocket. “I’m not at liberty to say what.”
“That he was the cop who shot Levi?” Raven asked, giving up trying to eat her croissant and poking at it with her fork instead.
“You know?” Erik asked, his eyes wide. “Then why didn’t you . . .?”
“Why didn’t I what?”
“Go see him? Go talk to him?”
“He kicked me out, Erik. I don’t see you begging to talk to him after his derogatory comments.”
Erik sighed.
“You caught me crying because yes, I love him. I miss him. Dr. Wheland said healing will take time, and God, even after all these months, it doesn’t feel like anything will be enough to help me. But you have to understand. I can forgive him for shooting Levi. I never b
lamed the cop—I’d always blamed myself. And with therapy, I’m realizing that blame and guilt was misplaced. I’m trying. Is Jax? What has he done? He kicked me out instead of talking to me. Instead of sitting down and having a discussion with me. Because why? He was scared to lose me? He was scared I’d leave him? The end result was the same. Jax is nothing but a coward.” Raven took a breath as people turned in their direction.
She lowered her voice. “He said I could always go back, but he lied to me. I can never go back there. He has to own up to what he did. He has to be brave enough to face the consequences. He came for me—found me on Z Avenue twice because he thought he had to. I gave him his signature, Erik. Did he tell you that? I signed the papers before I left. Now I need him to come for me because he wants me. Because he loves me, because he can’t breathe without me with him. But I don’t see that happening, do you?”
Erik opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again to say, “I love my brother; I love him even after the nasty things he said to me. But in respect of your feelings and how hard you’ve worked, how far you’ve come, I owe you the truth. No. I don’t believe he’ll come for you. I’m sorry to say it. And I’m sorrier that I mean it.”
“At least you can admit it. It’s more than Jax was ever able to do. You’ll have to excuse me. I have a dinner date with someone my parents introduced me to a few months ago at their country club.”
Raven slid off her stool, her heels landing with a snap against the tile. “He’s a hedge fund manager. Even after asking him to explain, I still don’t understand what it means, but my mother thinks it’s pretty great.”
“I’m sorry for how it all turned out. You look magnificent, by the way.”
“I’m not sorry. Jax helped me. I wouldn’t have fit in as quickly without his help.” She waved a hand from her head to her feet. “I thought he was being silly, you know? But little did I know my parents and everyone around them would value what I looked like on the outside more than the person I am on the inside. I was naïve—about a lot of things.”
She wrote her cell number on a beige napkin, the café’s logo in the upper right-hand corner. “I didn’t know Jax would be the same way. I thought maybe I changed him—just a little. But people don’t change. He probably has a woman like Lucia on his arm, even as we speak. I need someone who has a heart. My hedge fund manager volunteers at an animal shelter. That’s a start. Call me, sometime, Erik. We’ll get together and talk about happier things.”
She kissed his cheek, and he rested his hand on the small of her back.
“Goodbye, Raven.”
“Goodbye.”
She walked out of the café without looking back.
She’d just said her final goodbye to the Brooks family.
And she allowed only one tear to escape the entire way home.
Chapter 13
She hadn’t moved into the apartment, and she hadn’t used the card. Not even once.
Jax had counted on being able to keep tabs on Raven, but every day he called the concierge of his apartment building and every day he was told that apartment 1102 remained empty.
The bank representatives insisted the card hadn’t been used, and Jax discovered that for himself when he signed up for online banking and the entire balance was still available.
That meant either two things: she was back on the streets, or she lived with her parents.
The thought of Raven on the streets made him sick. Not because of all the time and money he’d invested in her. No. He’d seen the way she lived and thinking about the woman he loved living that way worried him in a way he’d never worried for another human being before.
His heart made of ice had melted.
Too little, too late.
He hadn’t spoken to his brother since his disgusting remarks that still shamed him whenever he allowed himself to think about them.
To ensure he was entirely alone, he’d let Mariah go, much to her dismay. But she didn’t need to cook for one, and when he smelled her cooking, it only reminded him of Raven and the joy and accomplishment she took in her emerging skills in the kitchen.
His mother cried whenever she came to check on him, which was too often for his liking.
Jax remedied that situation by spending more time at work than what was usual for even him.
Axel said little about Jax’s split with Raven and concentrated on learning Titan from the ground up. As Jax suspected, Axel had taken Erik’s place quite easily, if Jax didn’t count the drug deals he’d had to break up in the lavatory.
Despite those small transgressions, Jax prophesied Axel would be ready to leave Titan in five years to start his own company.
Jax would need to prepare for the competition.
The lonely evenings loomed in front of him before he opened his eyes to the sunrise, and he began to spend his evenings at his club downtown.
More often than not, he sat in a corner of the plush lounge sipping scotch, his demons eased because he wasn’t alone.
This night, while a storm raged outside, a thin blonde waif writhed in his lap.
They sat hidden in the shadows, his hand discreetly up her skirt, though nothing would have been said even if it had been evident what he was doing.
He twisted his fingers, and the woman moaned, her head resting on his shoulder, her minty alcoholic breath fanning against his neck.
Wetness trickled down his wrist, his thumb pressing against her clit. He’d been at it for longer than he liked; that last mojito she’d drank before crawling into his lap doing her in.
He violently jabbed at her, hoping the pain would finally get her off. “Come now,” he growled into her ear.
It did the trick, and she shuddered, grasping at his jacket, nipping his jaw with her teeth.
His skin crawled.
Jax pulled his fingers from between her legs and nudged her away.
Straightening the silver skirt of her dress, she giggled. She stumbled away smelling of sex and booze.
Jax cleaned off his hand with the napkin from beneath his drink.
He drained the dregs as the woman stumbled into another man who put his arm around her, pegging her as Jax had as an easy lay.
Earlier that evening, she’d cornered him in the sitting room connected to the men’s lavatory, propositioning him with a blowjob. He’d let her, closing his eyes and smiling as she gagged on his length when he forced her head closer.
Getting her off in return had been only polite, he reasoned, because he was a gentleman, after all.
“Some things never change.”
“Why mess with a good thing?”
Jax always ran the risk of running into people he didn’t want to see when he spent time at the dinner club. Yet he preferred his club over dining elsewhere, getting his money’s worth out of the exorbitant membership fee.
Ensuring he could be alone but not alone was a perfect antidote for his misery.
Usually.
“You would say that,” Lucia DuBois said, taking a seat in the winged back chair near Jax’s.
A waiter appeared at her elbow, a pink, frothy, fruity drink already on a tray.
He replaced Jax’s scotch as well.
Jax silently thanked the man; he was too sober to deal with Lucia now.
Scowling, he asked, “Was there something you wanted? Did you come to exact your revenge? I’m afraid you’re a little too late.”
Lucia set her drink on a coaster and tucked her evening purse beside her. “I’ve come over to apologize.”
Jax blinked. “You what?”
“I said I want to apologize,” Lucia repeated, twisting her fingers in her lap. “For the way I behaved while we were engaged.”
“Yes, I’m sure you feel absolutely terrible.” Jax smirked.
“No, I do. I introduced myself to you for the wrong reasons. I accepted your proposal because I wanted . . . well, not anything you’re supposed to marry anyone for.”
“What’s wrong with you?” Jax barke
d, annoyed the hussy’s scent still lingered on his fingers, catching a trace of her sex every time he took a sip of his drink. He hated the reminder of what he’d done; he needed to wash his hands.
His heart heaved.
He missed Raven so much. Her sweet touch. The gentle look in her eyes.
Her spine of steel making him treat her like a woman while he made love to her.
Lucia placed a hand on his knee. “Jax.”
He needed to see her. Just for a moment. He kept himself from looking for her; he’d convinced himself what she was doing without him wasn’t any of his business.
But he wanted to see her just one more time.
To put it away for good.
“Jax.”
He focused on Lucia’s face. She looked different. Softer. She looked how he wished she’d looked when they’d been engaged.
“What?”
“I found someone. He loves me, and I . . . love him, too. I didn’t know love should feel this way. I talked to him about how I felt, and he suggested I apologize. So, when I saw you sitting over here, I took the chance. I’m ashamed of how I behaved. How I treated you . . . and Raven. God, I’ve never let my jealousy get out of control like that. You may think I’m a bitch, but I swear, I’ve never hurt anyone, before, or since. I deserved that broken wrist, and more than that.”
Jax sagged into the leather chair. He was tired. So tired of the games. Maybe a vacation. Some time alone would do him some good. Only, he couldn’t escape himself; the things he’d said, the things he’d done.
He’d carry his regret everywhere.
It didn’t matter where he went.
Waving Lucia off, he said, “Don’t think about it anymore. I was just as bad, if not worse. We’re lucky we didn’t kill each other.”
He closed his eyes hoping she’d take the opportunity to slip away, and they could both pretend the exchange didn’t happen.
But she didn’t take the hint, and when he opened his eyes, she still sat, chewing her lip.
“Did you want me to say congratulations? If you get married, send me an invitation. I’ll buy you a gift.”
“Jax, there’s something else.”
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