by A. m Madden
Passengers waiting for the kiosk I blocked glared at me. He took me by the elbow and steered me away from the impatient crowd.
“You’re right, this was a bad idea. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I need to ask for one thing before you go.”
“What?”
“Will you kiss me one last time?” Desperation filled me with nausea as my eyes brimmed with tears. What the hell was I doing? “Please, Dante?” Despite the misery written all over his face, he nodded at my request.
Cupping my cheeks, he leaned down and brought his lips to mine. It wasn’t passionate or even reminiscent of the ones we shared before; it was a goodbye. I fisted the lapels of his jacket, refusing to let go, willing him to deepen the kiss, wordlessly begging him to give me what I needed… if only for that moment.
The tears that streamed down my face seeped into my mouth, leaving a taste of loss—a loss I could have prevented. He broke our connection and rested his forehead against mine. “I need to go, Cassandra.” His thumbs wiped away my tears, only for more to come. “Please, don’t cry.”
“Have a safe trip. I love you, Dante.”
“Take care of yourself.”
Not hearing him say he loved me brought about physical pain. Maybe that was what he needed to let go of me, so I didn’t say anything. Instead, I just waited for him to leave. But rather than walk away like I thought he would, he let go of his bag and pulled me into his chest. His cologne, the smell of the leather, and everything that made Dante who he was assaulted my senses.
Just like before, he cupped my cheeks, but this time when he brought his lips to mine, our kiss held all the passion I’d grown accustomed to. Our tongues searched for every crevice of each other’s mouths. It didn’t matter that we were in a busy terminal, or that people could be staring. All that mattered at that moment was that the man I loved with all my heart gave me what I asked for.
When we finally broke apart, his eyes bordered with tears. “I’ll never forget you, Cassandra. I’ll always love you.” He gripped the handle of his carry-on and slung the strap of his camera bag over his shoulder. “Smile, beautiful.”
Hearing those words reminded me of our time together. I swallowed the despair in my throat. It felt like ice had replaced the blood in my veins. With every step he took away from me, the desire to chase after him grew. Watching him hand his ticket to the agent at security was bad enough, but when he glanced back and smiled before disappearing, I broke down like I never had before.
Why was I doing this to myself… to us?
Chapter 25
Cassie
60,458 minutes.
That was how much time had passed since my lips touched Dante’s. If there were auditions being held for the next apocalyptic movie, I’d get the leading role. I was in a constant trance. Memories of him haunted me in every corner of every room, every second of every hour.
The weeks from mid-November to Christmas Eve went by in a complete blur. I skipped watching inflatable characters floating down Broadway, a favorite Thanksgiving ritual I attended each year since moving to New York. There was no evidence that the holidays were upon me. No tree, no decorations, and no one would receive any gifts this year. I’d make it up to them… eventually.
Weeks ago, when Luca gave me the envelope that Dante left for me, it felt like a cruel joke. Except for the picture I’d taken and saved as his contact photo on my phone, that was the only image I had of him. In my drawer sat a disc containing dozens and dozens of pictures of me that he had taken. The day I allowed myself to scroll through them, it wasn’t the provocative shots of me I saw; all I remembered was him behind the camera. The way he’d move around the studio effortlessly snapping shot after shot, making me feel as if I were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
Then there was the blue sticky note with three little words that held so much promise. Yet, at the same time, reading “I love you” scrawled in his messy handwriting acted as a broken vow. What good were those words if they didn’t keep people together? There was a reason those words weren’t used casually. Once voiced, they held so much power. Whether they became productive or destructive depended on the people behind them.
With every minute that passed, it became harder and harder to rationalize why I sat in New York with him across the ocean. My apartment door became a portal to interventions from my friends and family to make sure I was still existing—I wasn’t.
Of course, I expected Brae and Vanessa to constantly check in, especially because Brae loved the holidays and wanted everyone to be singing “Jingle Bells.” But my parents’ impromptu visit shocked me, not nearly as much as their opinion that maybe I should pack a bag. Mark put in his two cents and encouraged me to follow my heart.
Despite all their words, I remained sitting on my couch, bundled underneath my favorite blanket, watching sappy holiday movies. Did they all need to have a happy ending? Why did they make it look so easy? The irony that I clutched my grandmother’s pillow, her needlepoint stitches reminding me to Be Happy when I was anything but, wasn’t lost on me.
The sound of my phone ringing brought about a burst of optimism. There wasn’t one time that I didn’t hope to see the picture of Dante pop up on the screen, but that hadn’t happened. Yes, I could’ve called him, but it was too difficult. Maybe that was why he hadn’t called me.
Instead, Desiree’s name appeared. I had avoided returning any of her previous calls in fear that she would side with me. She was the rational one in the group; being an attorney earned her that right. I could predict her validation that I did the right thing. And to be honest, it should’ve been something that I wanted to hear, but for some reason, I didn’t. Did that make me a martyr, crazy, or both?
I slid the bar to connect our call.
Mustering up the perkiest voice I could, I said, “Hi, Des.”
“Don’t ‘Hi, Des’ me. It’s about time you answered. I’ve been worried sick about you.”
“I’m sorry. I planned on calling.” When, I didn’t know.
“You sound like shit. Brae filled me in on what was going on. You’re lucky you answered, or I was hopping on the next flight out of Heathrow.”
“How’s London? Meet any royalty yet?”
“No, and this isn’t a social call. What the hell are you doing, Cass?”
“Right now? I’m sitting on my couch.” There was no doubt my ass made a permanent indent in the cushion that had become my place of solace.
“Maybe I should have come there to knock some sense into you. Talk to me, Cassie. Our last conversation, the two of you were inseparable. Did you fall in love with him?”
“I did.”
“Then how the hell could you of all people let the love of your life go?”
“That’s exactly why. How could I not? It was the sensible thing to do. You of all people should understand that. Following him around the world is an insane way to live. And preventing him from following his dreams didn’t sit well with me. I’d never be the one to do that. I would be living each day wondering if he resented me. How would you have felt if we stopped you from going to London? You left for the same reason.”
“Right… but the point is I left. I gave up stability, left my girls, and threw all caution to the wind. There wasn’t a guarantee that the client I moved halfway across the world for wouldn’t end up firing me or that I’d make partner in my firm. Those first few weeks in London, all by myself while you were all living normal lives, scared the shit out of me. But you know what?”
“What?” My voice cracked, thinking of Des all alone.
“I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Taking chances is part of life… you know that. You’re not from the city, but I remember you telling us moving from Connecticut was the best decision you made. So please explain why you didn’t go with the man you love.”
“That’s why I didn’t go. I worked hard getting to where I am. Being a teacher is as much a part of me as my right arm. It’s who I am, Des.” God, I sounded selfish.
“Okay, so teach.” Her words had the same effect as if Des reached a hand through the phone and smacked me on the back of the head. “I’m sure there are schools in Europe. Take the time and travel the world. If memory serves, you’ve always wanted to do that. Now the opportunity is staring you in the face, and you turned it down? Once Dante settles in Milan, you can teach those little Italian kids how to speak English. You know, pardon me for saying this, but for someone so smart, you’re stupid.”
“I love you too, Des.”
“I do love you, and that’s why I’m telling you this. Don’t be dumb, Cass.”
“But my class. It’s the middle of the school year.”
“They’ll be just fine, and you know that. What’s the real reason? Don’t bullshit me either, because I’m a lawyer and bullshitting is my forté.”
I let a few seconds pass before replying. “What if it doesn’t work out? What if he decides he doesn’t love me anymore? Then what?”
“Then you come home.”
“It’s not as simple as that. I don’t know if my heart would heal. It would hurt too much if that happened.”
“You mean like the pain you’re feeling now? You’re hurting yourself to avoid the possibility of hurting yourself in the future. Does that even make sense? Think about it, Cass. You could be with the man you love and live a happy life. Or you can wonder for the rest of your life if you made a mistake. Go there and find out for yourself.” She let the silence stretch, and then said, “The defense rests.”
For the first time in the conversation, I smiled. “Shut up, you’re such a dork. I hate when you’re right.”
“You must hate me a lot.” We both laughed, knowing that was the furthest thing from the truth. “Answer one last question and then I will shut up.”
“Okay.”
“Do you love him more than anything?”
“Yes.”
“Then I think you know what to do.”
A powerful rush of relief filled me. That realization made me dizzy, and just like that, I went from feeling misery to joy over my new objectivity. “I love you, Des.”
“I love you too. Merry Christmas, my sweet friend,” she said before ending the call and giving me the best gift imaginable.
After our conversation, I felt the dead weight that had been sitting on my ribcage suffocating me lift. I looked around my apartment and wondered how long it would take me to pack.
Dante
“I do.”
Standing next my brother, in the church we grew up in, as he said those words to Sabrina felt like acid on my wound. I was elated for both of them, but the selfish prick in me envied him. Both of my parents dabbed their eyes watching their middle child take a wife.
In all the times I went to mass as a kid, I never once envisioned myself standing in this cobblestone church in front of the large altar, exchanging vows. Marriage was one sacrament I never really thought about… until a fiery blue-eyed blonde entered my world. Now even that was gone.
The priest asked for the rings, and Mikey bounced off the pew and offered the white satin pillow with extended arms. “I have them.” Sabrina and Luca smiled before accepting Mikey’s offering. Rather than return to his seat next to his grandfather, he stood between his mom and now stepfather.
After the words I now pronounce you husband and wife were spoken, Mikey wrapped an arm around each of their hips, forcing my brother to kiss his bride chastely. I laughed, knowing Cassie also would have. It was as if I could hear that melodic sound echoing in the old chapel, and it rendered me silent.
When Luca turned to me, I offered my congratulations with a hug and kissed Sabrina on both cheeks, welcoming her to the family. The happiness rolled off of them in waves. With every congratulatory kiss our families extended to the couple, the incense-infused air became stifling. It forced the need to tap my brother on the shoulder and let him know I was stepping outside.
The cold crisp night greeted me, and I was half-tempted to forego the transportation that Luca arranged back to our parents’ house. Before I set off on foot, Gianna appeared, looking stunning in her cranberry dress.
“Dove vai? Ah, scusi. I forget Luca wants us to talk English.” I chuckled at my sister’s dedication to trying. “Where you going?”
“I was going to walk home.”
She shivered as the cold breeze blew around us. I took off my suit jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders.
“No, it’s too cold. Mama will kill you.”
“It’s not that far. In New York, I walk all the time.”
“In Milan, you listen to Mama.” Her pretty cognac eyes assessed my face. “You no look happy, Dante. You miss Cassie?”
I furrowed my brows and stared at her. “What do you know about Cassie?”
“Mama and Luca were talking about her. You love her, yes?”
“Yeah, I love her.” My confession caused pure elation to light up her beautiful face. “What did they say about her?”
“They wished you were together.” The few chestnut curls framing her face swayed in the wind, and she pulled my jacket tighter around her body. “Pero Mama like you being home again. Me too. I miss you when you not here.”
I kissed my sister on her forehead. “I missed you too.” The rest of our family exited the chapel, making my decision to walk home futile.
The freezing temperatures hastened our departure as we all loaded into the cars and headed home, where the party would begin. I put on my happy face and played the best-man role to the best of my ability.
After the festivities, Luca and Sabrina planned to escape for a quick honeymoon in Venice. Before they left, my brother pulled me aside and reminded me he was just a phone call away. Not that I would call him, but nonetheless, I appreciated him acknowledging there may be a need for one.
Scheduled to meet with Matteo bright and early, once awake I saw no point in waiting and headed to the gallery. When I walked in, my mentor was already sitting in the back office, espresso in hand, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. With a loupe pressed against his right lens, his gray-haired head hovered over a sheet of small proofs as he surveyed them.
“You know, if you had a computer, that would be much easier.”
Matteo looked up and smiled. “My way is better. Sit.” He waved his hand to the chair in front of his desk. “How was the wedding?”
“Good. Nice.” My drab reply prompted him to study me as if I were a portrait hanging on the wall.
“This brings me to why I wanted to meet with you.”
“My brother’s wedding?”
“No, your attitude. When we spoke, your enthusiasm was palpable. Now you sit here like you no want to do this anymore. Did you change your mind?” The phone on his desk began ringing, yet he didn’t even flinch. I watched, amused, as he lifted the handset only to slam it back down. “So?”
“You know this is all I’ve ever wanted since meeting you. Maybe even before…”
“But…”
Awful regrets assailed me. “I left someone behind.”
“Yeah? Is she pretty?”
I closed my eyes, feeling the ache in my heart remembering her. “No, she’s beautiful.”
“So why she not here?”
Looking at the older man in front of me, I said the words I came to accept. “Leaving everything behind for two years was too hard for her. I’m used to this life—living hotel to hotel. She’s a schoolteacher in New York City.”
“Dante, I gave up the opportunity to have a wife and family for this. Yes, I’m successful and love what I do, but who do I have to share it with? You?” He smiled and shrugged. “You accepted so fast, it even surprised me. You should have taken the time to talk to her. I know you’ve always been confident, but forgive me, you were stupid.”
“Gee, thanks.” He was right… I was stupid. Because the cocky prick I was assumed she’d jump at the opportunity to travel the world with me. It took a petite blonde to knock a chip the size of a boulder off my
shoulder.
“What I’m saying is, my proposal isn’t set in stone. I still want you to take over, but I make the rules here. I love you like a son and want you to be happy. Tell me what you need from me to do that?” My slow blinking caused his brow to crease with more wrinkles. “Speak.”
“I don’t even know where to begin.” Rubbing my temples with the pads of my fingers only aggravated my impending headache. “What if I change things and she still doesn’t want to come? Then I put you through all that trouble for nothing.”
“It’s not trouble.” He set down the small magnifying glass, removed his glasses, and paused a moment. “Let’s do this. You tell me what you think will work. If she says no, then we keep the original plan.” He lifted his hands in the air. “This is yours now, Dante. You no good to me like this. What are you going to take pictures of? Funerals? Go get your girl.”
“Now? But what about…”
“I’m still the boss. Leave. Take the two weeks you were supposed to before you got here. All I ask is you come back with the fervor I know you possess toward this business.”
“I don’t know if I can promise that if she still refuses.”
“Then I guess you have a few decisions to make.”
Chapter 26
Cassie
My neat-as-a-pin apartment now looked like a box factory. Bubble Wrap, scissors, and the items needed to store one’s life were scattered about. Once I slapped a strip of packing tape on the final cardboard container, a breath whooshed out of me. For the past few days my life had been a whirlwind, from calling my boss to saying goodbye to my friends, packing up my apartment to arranging movers to get it all to my parents’ house.
For an anal-retentive person like me, deciding what to bring was complete torture. How did one prepare for a life of travel? This shit was hard. The piles of take, leave, donate had changed so many times in just one day, I finally threw my favorite clothes in a large suitcase and zipped it up.