In the heavy silence that ensued, she coaxed in a gentle tone, “After she had you, he still didn’t change?”
“From the time I was born till I was six, we lived on the road between odd jobs he’d do, existing as a family of worthless drifters. Sometimes we hung around dirty and wild towns near forts while he drank and gambled with his friends, using money my mother earned from sweat and tears.”
His last few words sounded so cold and bitter that they chilled her to the bone. “That’s no way for a child to survive; I’m sorry.”
“Our lives, Mother’s and mine, seemed to get better for a while when I was seven. For some reason I never learned, Carl bought—or maybe he won—a sutler store at Fort Craig. That was a pretty good time for me. We had a house, but not a real home. I had food, clean clothes, and safety from road perils. That’s when I got to attend school; books and learning became my hunger and escape. I chewed into every one I got my hands on but there were never enough to fill me. The old schoolmarm was so happy to find somebody like me, she taught me extra stuff and loaned me books from her house. She was kind, giving, and honest, a real lady. I think I loved that old woman.”
Beth heard the affection in his tone. “So, you were an excellent student and made all the best marks of the class, right?”
“Yep, but the other children were taught to be cruel to Indians. Half-breeds are considered even lower than Indians. Even if my looks hadn’t told them what I was, seeing my mother with me said it loud and clear. They called me names kids shouldn’t even know, pulled tricks on me their papas had suggested, and wouldn’t let me play with them. They even gave the teacher problems because she was so good to me.”
“I can’t imagine why parents would teach children such wicked things. I would never do that. Hatred and bias are terrible evils. I’m sure those must have been difficult times for you to understand and accept.”
“Yep, but I took advantage of that breather from trail life and shut out what anybody said or did to me. I pretended I had a hide as tough as an armadillo’s. I learned all I could about the white man’s world, and I learned fast. I figured getting head-smart would help me escape my father and his kind of existence.” His gaze settled on her shiny black hair and he wanted to stroke it. “I don’t know why he kept us, unless it was because we belonged to him and he needed us to slave for him and his friends. I couldn’t grasp why Mother wouldn’t leave him and return to her people. Even love can’t survive some things. I kept hoping he’d ride off one day, leave us behind, and never return; or he’d get himself killed like his sorry kind often does.”
“But none of those things happened?” she asked.
“Nope. The only reason I didn’t run away was because I feared his revenge on my mother. I was the light of her eye, the spirit of her heart, her helper and joy: that’s what she always told me.”
To Beth, he didn’t sound convinced of that last sentence. Her heart pained for all the things he had suffered for so long, while at such an impressionable age.
“We tended the horses, cooked meals, washed clothes, cleaned up after those bastards, and waited on them like captives, which is about what we were. The only good thing was, it taught me how to take care of myself. It also hardened me with those brutes picking on me most of the time. They loved calling me the ‘Little Breed’ and ‘Half-Breed.’ Carl didn’t stop ‘em; he thought it was funny, said it would give me backbone, make me tough like he was. Tough, he was a coward who preyed on the helpless. I never wanted to be like him, never. He was my father, and I hated him.”
“That’s understandable, Navarro, your father abused you and you watched your mother being abused by him. No one at any age wants to feel helpless and vulnerable. To be unable to fight back made it worse.”
“At times, I thought I hated my mother for being so weak and a coward for letting that snake beat her child, her own blood. I couldn’t understand why she endured everything he did and said to her and me. I’d never let anybody harm a child of mine. Things finally changed, but not for the better. Or maybe it was. Who knows?”
Beth felt him shrug and wondered what was coming forth next.
“After Mother had worked herself so hard and finally lost her beauty, Carl started sharing her with his friends and beating her even worse. He said she wasn’t his wife or a white woman, and so he could treat a ‘squaw’ any way he pleased. None of the other men wanted to lay claim to her or take up for her; she was just…free release for them, the same kind of evil pleasure you mentioned about that slavery ring’s customers. I wanted to stick a knife in their backs every time they crawled on top of her.”
Navarro seemed trapped in a temporary daze; he sounded and looked as if he couldn’t halt the dark memories from attacking him or stop his agonizing words from spilling forth. Beth allowed his verbal purging.
“No man should force himself on a defenseless woman who doesn’t want him. And he shouldn’t threaten or beat her into submission. And no child should hear or watch his mother being raped countless times, ‘cause that’s what it was. Some nights when they got mean drunk, Carl or his boys roughed me up to scare her into doing whatever they ordered, and they came up with some wicked ideas when they were in those crazed moods. They’d joke and laugh as if they were just having harmless fun, like those saddletramps back at Manuel’s cantina. I broke two fingers once when I jumped on Cato’s back and started pounding him with my fists when he—”
All of a sudden, Navarro realized what he was saying. “Sorry, Beth, I didn’t mean to sound crude or spill a wagonload of mud on you.” Shu, hombre, you didn’t even tell Jessie or your two best friends such terrible secrets. Blazes, she has powerful magic to lower your guard this much!
Beth sensed he was more shocked about revealing those dark episodes than he was about their dismaying content. “You didn’t offend me, Navarro, and I’m glad you told me. I’m the one who’s sorry, sorry you and your mother had to witness and endure such cruelties.”
“Me, too. I was years older before I realized she was as scared of him as I was as a boy. When I was young, I thought she was crazy or weak to put up with his meanness. If I tried to defend her or get her to protect herself, it earned me another licking from Carl’s belt—a wide, thick black one. He kept it just for that reason, ‘cause it wouldn’t go through his pants’ loops. That bastard loved a good whipping better than a strong drink of high-grade whiskey or a crooked poker game.”
“How could he be so cruel to his own son, a small boy?”
“He was bad, Beth, not a good inch about him. If it was winter and I got him mad, he’d lock me outside without food and cover. One time, I decided to ride for help, hoping a white sheriff would give it to a squaw and half-breed boy. I didn’t get far before Carl’s friends caught me and hauled me back to him across one’s saddle. He tied me to a tree for three days; told me if I survived the wild animals, my punishment would be over for a while. He warned if I ran away again, it would be my mother staked out there for a week. He knew she was my weak spot, not the beatings, so he used her to get at me. I realized the only way I could escape was to take her with me. She wouldn’t leave him, so I couldn’t. I knew if I did, it would bring on her torture and death. Carl was that mean and evil.”
Is that why you don’t have a wife or sweetheart, so no enemy will have a weapon to use against you and you won’t have to watch another loved one suffer? “Despite all of that, she loved him and stayed with him?”
“Yep. She believed she had no place to go ‘cause she was dishonored. She was afraid she couldn’t support us if we took off, or things would be worse in any job she might find. She’d had plenty of bad ones, that’s for sure. And she was scared Carl would track us down and do worse than kill us. Strange as it seems, she loved him in a way I’ll never understand. She kept saying things would get better one day.”
Beth had a feeling he’d never told anyone such painful secrets. She didn’t know why he’d chosen to share them with her today; maybe he had gotte
n ensnared in the past as she had with him on occasion. “Did they?”
“Nope. When I was twelve, Carl was the one who opened her eyes to the truth. He brought home a pretty seforita to enjoy for a while. He expected Mother to slave for his whore, too. When she defied him, he beat her bad, then whipped me until he was too tired to go on. Told her he’d beat me until I was dead if she ever balked again. Soon as she healed and he was out of camp, she took us to her people.”
Beth noticed he said “brought home,” then “out of camp”…
“I thought I knew plenty about the Apaches from all she’d told me, but I didn’t, not her particular band. She’d taught me their language and customs when Carl wasn’t around, but I was in for some big surprises. First off, I learned she was the daughter of a famous thief.”
“Thief or chief?”
“Thief. You see, in some bands, a skilled thief is more important than a chief. Her parents and kin were dead, but the band remembered Morning Tears and her family.”
“Didn’t they turn her away for what she’d done years before?”
“Nope, because for once, Mother was smart; she brought along Carl’s money, supplies, and extra horses. Returning to her people as a successful and brave thief, she was welcomed back. She showed even greater cunning by giving them everything to buy weapons and supplies. That first day back, her past defiance was forgotten and forgiven.”
“So you stayed with the Apaches?”
“Until I was twenty, I lived and trained as a warrior and hunter, and they tried to make a thief of me. I learned all they could teach me, and I was good. Problem was, partner, they wanted a skilled raider more than a hunter and warrior. When I didn’t measure up to their demands on top of being half-blooded, I wasn’t accepted there, either. It was like it had been with Carl and the whites; I was an outsider, someone to be endured, someone to show the other females why they shouldn’t take off with white enemies.”
Was there no end, she worried, to his past torments?
“When I was born, Mother also gave me a secret Indian name, Tl’ee’ K’us; it means Night Cloud. Yep, same as my horse’s name.”
“Why did she name you that?”
“Because I was born at night when strange clouds were across a full moon; that’s what she told me. I worked hard to support her and protect her, but she was disappointed in me because I wouldn’t use my skills in the Apache way. You see, women are taught to praise victorious robbers and to scorn and tease husbands who returned home empty-handed. The young females wanted nothing to do with a failure like me. Even if I had caught one’s eye, the mothers forced them to keep their distances so they wouldn’t be tempted by me like Mother was by Carl. Didn’t matter, ‘cause none of them ever caught my eye, either.”
So, no unrequited love in the Indian camp. “I’m sure your mother loved you, Navarro; she just needed and wanted to be accepted by her family and people after all she’d been through over the years.””
“I think she died ashamed of me, but I do believe she loved me.”
Get him off that sad subject. “When did you leave the Indians? How?”
“After a quarrel with one of the raider bands, I left camp to think. I hated to desert Mother but I hated to stay. I didn’t have to make a choice. While I was gone, Bluecoats attacked; some of the band was killed and the others were taken to a reservation. Mother was slain that day.”
“I’m sorry, Navarro.”
“Thanks, but she was finally at peace. I think she was always afraid Carl would appear.”
“Surely her people wouldn’t let him take her away?”
“For the right price, you could safely bet your boots and horse they would have. Her gifts were long gone and her son was worthless. They would’ve been glad to get rid of us, especially me. Don’t get me wrong; not all the Indians I met were like that, only Mother’s small group. Some of the best men I’ve known were Indians from other bands and tribes. Anyway, I left Arizona and drifted alone for three years in the white man’s world. I worked my way through Colorado, Dakota, Wyoming, and New Mexico territories. Spent time in Texas and California and in Oklahoma Territory. Most people seemed the same wherever I went. Few wanted or allowed a half-breed drifter to get near them, unless a skilled gun or strong back was needed. I’ve witnessed and experienced deceit, hatred, and cruelties on both sides. While I was drifting, I learned the white man’s ways and became an expert gunslinger. Then, I ran into Carl again.”
Beth felt his body stiffen and heard his voice go icy cold.
“That time, he didn’t touch me; he didn’t dare. I was taller and stronger, and my mood warned him I wasn’t to be angered or challenged. He didn’t even ask about Mother or try to recover his stolen goods. I still hated him for what he’d done to us. I wanted to prove I was a better man in all ways, prove I was nothing like him. This hunger I’d had eating at me for years grew bigger and greedier after I saw him.”
Beth waited in tense silence to hear if he’d gunned down his own father.
“Carl wasn’t dumb; he knew it was loco to provoke me. I could have outdrawn him and his friends with ease. I’d practiced for years to make certain nobody ever hurt me again. I stayed with him for six months to make him feel worthless and scared. I wanted him and his friends to see just how weak and low Carl was. I wanted him to live, eat, breathe, and think fear; I wanted him to worry about if or when I’d challenge him to a showdown. He got himself killed and I wasn’t sorry.”
“You didn’t…”
“No, it wasn’t by my hand. The best revenge I got was watching him cower in fear of me, the boy he had abused and terrified for so long. He wouldn’t even bring a female to camp because he feared it would set me afire.”
“You returned to drifting and working odd jobs until you met Dan?”
“I rode lots of places and did lots of things. I met some good people who turned me around, made me realize I wasn’t worthless like my father.”
“People like the Lanes and Matt Cordell?”
“Yep. They made me realize I’d been carrying a chip on my shoulder and daring anybody to knock if off, and that was probably why folks shied from me. I’d blamed everybody for treating me like a half-breed bastard and saddletramp when that was how I acted and viewed myself. I realized other people weren’t totally to blame for me being an outsider. I was cold, hard, cocky, and bitter. The way I walked, talked, and stood intimidated people. I made people nervous and scared them away; didn’t want anybody getting too close. After I took that job with the Lanes, they trusted me and accepted me. I got a hard look at myself, and I changed. Since then, I’ve met other good people and made other friends. Maybe that’s why I understand men like the kind I once was so well.”
My heavens, I can’t believe you’re telling me so much. Maybe you don’t realize how much you’re revealing. Don’t stop.
“After Dan got me to work for him and the law, he became my best friend. He and the Lanes had the most good influence on me. If not for them, I’d be dead today or rotting in some hellhole of a prison. I’d give my life helping and defending any of them. I have to warn you, woman, my old self jumps on me and rides me hard and bad sometimes. I still keep to myself mostly; and I can get too wary, defensive, and cocky.”
And insecure. “That happens to everyone; nobody is perfect.”
Beth hesitated. “What happened to your mother is why that cantina incident provoked you, right?”
“Yep. The same was the reason with that mess at the hotel with you and that kid. I had a hard time not handling both situations differently, with my guns or fists. Learning self-control when the time’s wrong was hard, is hard; I guess it never gets easy to…turn the other cheek.”
“But you do it when necessary because you’re a good man, Navarro. You want to help and protect the weak and vulnerable because you know what it’s like for them. You shouldn’t feel bad because you don’t go around beating or killing every vile creature who does evil. If you did, you’d be no bet
ter than they are. You abide by the law; that’s more important, and it takes a stronger and braver man to do so. Anybody can draw a weapon and take a life, but only a good man can spare one when he’s crossed.”
Navarro lifted his left hand and trailed his fingers over her cheek. He let his hand settle on her shoulder, and noticed she hadn’t flinched from his touch. He admitted to himself she was strong and gentle, and qualified to work with him, qualified to be an agent. She had a tender, forgiving, understanding, and compassionate heart. He spoke his thoughts aloud. “You’re a good woman, Bethany Wind; I’m lucky you’re my partner on this assignment. Another woman would probably have trouble staying on after what I just told you.”
Beth caused his hand to fall away from her body when she half turned, gazed into his hazel eyes, and said, “Thank you; that’s one of the nicest things you could say to me.”
His gaze fused with hers. “Sometimes, we have to practice our roles.”
Beth stood without breaking their gazes. “There’s no better time or place than here and now, right?” She roamed her fingers up his chest, then over his compelling features. “Our partnership will work, Navarro; we’ll become good friends. We’ll solve this case, and we’ll do our best to protect your friends at the ranch. Maybe they won’t ever have to learn you’re the one who exposed and captured Matt’s brother; we can try our best to keep them ignorant of that fact.”
Navarro’s hands cupped her face and he looked into her eyes. “That would please me more than you could know, Beth. I don’t want them hurt in any way, if that’s possible. Since I won’t be returning there in the future, they can go on believing we’re married and ranching somewhere.”
She was moved by his affection and respect for his friends, his loyalty to them, his concern for them. “When they see how perfectly matched we are, they’ll believe our claims. We’ll have to be very loving around them.”
Chase The Wind Page 15