Distracting and arresting? “Then, from now on, we should try to control ourselves when the time and place aren’t right.”
“I think that’s best. And please don’t let yourself get hurt by me.”
“Don’t you trust me by now?”
“Of course I trust you. Why do you ask?”
“Then believe I’ll honor my word and promise to obey your orders.” She heard him sigh in relief. She retrieved her gown and replaced it, but not her bloomers. She yawned and settled herself, then said good night.
The next morning, Beth awoke to find Navarro staring out the cabin window. He was leaning against the wall, positioned so he wouldn’t be seen by others. He was so engrossed by something he was viewing he didn’t hear her. rise and approach. She must have been in a deep sleep because she hadn’t known when he had gotten out of bed and dressed. She gazed beyond him to where Jessica was helping the two oldest children do their chores. Irrational jealousy and vexation chewed at her nerves, especially after the glorious time in his arms last night. I’m not the dangerous distraction during this assignment, Mr. Special Agent; she is and your lingering feelings for her!
Navarro’s thoughts were troubled this morning. He told himself he shouldn’t be taking a risk of getting Beth with child as he had done with Jessie. If that happened, he’d wed the mother of his child this time, even if he had to hog-tie Beth to haul her to the altar. He’d give their baby his name and be a good father to it. He would never let Beth go through the anguish and fear Jessie had when she’d discovered her condition and he was unreachable. But that complication shouldn’t occur since his partner seemed to know how to avoid it, as she’d had no children with Steven in six years.
Another topic plagued him: Matt’s possible involvement in Charles’s plot. He didn’t want to believe it was possible, but things Beth had learned raised small doubts. If the ex-foreman couldn’t bear to destroy and lose a ranch Jessie’s father had created and left to her, he might take a reckless and desperate path to protect it for his wife and children. If something happened to his old friend, weren’t his first responsibilities and loyalties to Lane and Jessie, not to himself and his “wife”? Until he made certain things were all right for his loved ones, he shouldn’t ride off and desert them again. And he positively shouldn’t walk toward another woman.
Beth was worrying along a similar line: Navarro had said he didn’t think Matt was involved in Charles’s crime, but he might not really believe his assertion. Matt was years older than both Navarro and Jessica; perhaps he was waiting for something to happen to Matt so he could replace the rancher. Maybe her lover didn’t truly believe Jessica was lost forever; maybe he was still hoping and dreaming deep inside he would have her again one day.
“You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?” She watched Navarro react to her startling voice, then listened to him reply without turning to her.
“That was a long time ago, before she married Matt. It’s over.”
“Does true love ever die? I don’t think so.” Subside, but not expire.
Navarro suddenly halted watching his son. He had to quell his torment before he faced his partner and she read the feelings written on his face. He assumed she was referring to Steven Wind, and that conclusion had an odd and irritating effect on him. “Maybe it doesn’t die, but it changes when you have to find and ride a new trail,” he muttered as he turned to her.
She feigned an inquisitive look. “Does it? How so?”
“It better jump off your shoulders or you’re in for a hard and bitter time riding doubleback with a carcass weighing you down.”
Her tone was soft and her gaze was tender when she ventured, “Nobody knows that better than you, right?”
“Unless it’s you.” He grabbed his hat and left to end the conversation. He had been a prisoner of his past for ten years, had been convincing himself he still loved Jessie in the same way he had long ago. He’d told himself over and over they would always be bonded through their child and he should remain available in case something happened to Matt and they needed him. Well, the time had come when he could no longer deny the truth or keep fooling himself. Jessie was doing fine, and so was Lane. He was the one who needed to get on with his life without them. Yes, he still loved Jessie, but he wasn’t in love with her. Those feelings had changed, and he wasn’t sure when or where it occurred. Maybe he had only needed to see her again to prove it to himself, and he had. Maybe time had healed him as it was said to do. Or maybe Beth had changed his mind and heart! That would be a cruel joke if he found new love just as his old one needed him most!
Beth, he reasoned as he walked to the chuckhouse, was still locked in her past with her lost husband and there was no chance to win her until she pardoned herself. He knew from experience only the captive person had the key to unlock an emotional cell. He was shocked to catch himself thinking maybe he had found second love only to lose it to his foolishness, or to ties to his past, or to a dead man. How did a half-breed bastard loner, a flesh-and-blood man, fight a ghost? If he tried, after almost ordering and warning her to keep her distance, would he be risking another tormenting rejection?
Beth stared at the door after he almost stalked out of the cabin. She had riled him by questioning him on such a private matter. She wished she had kept quiet until he was ready to deal with his weakness. Much as she loved him and wanted him to be happy, she had to make sure he didn’t frame Matt so he could recover Jessica. Beth scolded herself for thinking such a terrible thing. No, Navarro Breed would never do anything like that. She had to admire him for leaving the couple in peace for ten years, until it was necessary to return this week in the line of duty.
Beth bathed, dressed, and brushed her hair before securing it into a long and heavy plait. She made the bed and straightened the cabin. As she positioned a chair in one corner, she noticed an object lying on the floor. She retrieved the locket Navarro always wore around his neck. It must have fallen out of his shirt or pants pocket when he flung his garments aside last night. She couldn’t imagine why he hadn’t noticed that noise, so perhaps the keepsake had slipped out during night while he was asleep. Or while he was making love to her…
With trembling fingers, Beth opened it and looked inside. As feared and suspected, there was Jessica Lane Cordell’s lovely though faded image. If his love for her was over as he claimed, why did he keep her picture close to his heart? Why had he removed it? Was he afraid someone might glimpse it and want a peek inside? Or could it be a good omen from fate that it was time to let go of the past? Maybe Navarro had left it behind as an unspoken message, one she couldn’t decode: I’m over Jessica, or I’m trying to get over Jessica, or I’m not over her and you don’t stand a chance of replacing her…
Questions! Questions! Questions! Leave them be, Bethany Wind!
She put the treasure on Navarro’s pillow beneath the cover so no one could possibly notice it lying on the bedside table. Let’s see what you say when you discover it missing, find it tonight, and realize I’ve seen the evidence and guessed your deepest secret: you still love her.
Jessica looked up from her task, smiled, and said, “Good morning, Beth. I saved you some coffee and ham biscuits; they’re in the warming oven. Sit down and eat while I finish the dishes.”
The redhead did as suggested. “Where is everyone? Am I late?”
“You don’t have a schedule, so just rest and have fun. Lance and Alice rode over to the old homesite with Jefferson to play with his kids; that’s where we have some houses for married hands. Lane went riding with the men. After range chores are done, they’re going fishing and picnicking. The children will be back this afternoon and it’ll be noisy again, so enjoy the quiet.”
The women shared laughter before Beth asked between bites, “Do all of your children ride?”
“All three were in the saddle before they could walk steadily. They have their own ponies and help take care of them: It’s good training.”
They chatted while B
eth finished her breakfast and they completed kitchen chores. Then, she helped Jessica change bed linens.
“I wash on Mondays. If you want to toss in your laundry, that’s fine.”
“Thank you. Washing them here will be easier than on the trail.”
“I have mending to do this morning while the children are gone. Active youngsters are rough on clothes, so is a working man. You can sit with me and chat or do whatever you prefer.”
“I have some sewing, too, so I’ll join you if that’s all right.”
“Of course it is.”
“Jessica,” Beth began hesitantly, “if you need or want privacy while I’m here, please tell me. I know you aren’t used to having another woman underfoot. I don’t want to intrude on your schedule or take advantage of your kind hospitality; don’t feel obligated to entertain me or include me in on everything. I won’t take offense if you need time alone; I’m sure my presence is disruptive.”
“Are you teasing? You’re no bother at all, and you’re being lots of help. I’m the one taking advantage of you. This visit is what I needed and I’m having a wonderful time. Just don’t let me talk off your ears or bore you.”
“I promise you don’t do either one. I must say, Jessica, I’m having a wonderful time, too.”
“Even with a wonderful husband and children and good hands, ranch life can get lonely on occasion. I have the hands’ wives and neighbors, but that isn’t the same thing.” “I know what you mean; we all need good friends, a special friend. We need to be able to say what we think to someone who understands and who’ll hold our confidence. I didn’t make that kind of friend in St. Louis or in Tucson, so I didn’t have anyone to share with until now. I’m glad I met you, Jessica Cordell. I’m going to miss you like you miss Annie and Lane misses Joey.”
“I’ll miss you, too, Beth. But we won’t be far apart if you and Navarro settle in San Antonio. Maybe we can arrange visits once in a while.”
“That would be nice.” As Beth went to fetch her mending, she cautioned herself not to be annoyed with her target because the man she herself loved still loved Jessica. Yet, nips of envy troubled her. Jessica was indeed a special woman, so Beth comprehended why Navarro loved her. It was too bad this was a mission, as she’d like to remain friends with her. She wished her ruse was true. She hadn’t expected to become emotionally involved with the Cordells or with her partner, and she mustn’t allow either to distract her from duty.
Later, the women’s conversation and sewing was interrupted by a knock on the door. After Jessica answered it and returned, she beamed with joy.
“The mailman brought a letter for Lane from Joey. Maybe this will brighten up my sad son; he’s sorely missed his best friend. Your firstborn is very precious to you, Beth, particularly if you almost lost him during birth.”
The agent smiled, then focused on her sewing to conceal her pain. A child conceived in love was a beautiful dream she would never experience in reality. She could imagine the joy and pride of holding her lover’s baby in her arms and—Stop it, Beth, don’t torment yourself with can’t be’s.
When the task was done, Beth went to put away her repairs. When she went back to the house, Lane was home and Jessica was upstairs.
“Look, Miss Beth, a letter from Joey! The magic’s working!”
Beth glanced at the exuberant boy’s hand as he shook the page he was holding. “What magic is that, Lane?” she asked him.
Lane withdrew an Indian amulet from beneath his shirt. “Mr. Breed gave it to me this morning. He said it was because I was…gen-ner-ous to my brother and should be rewarded. He said it would protect me and help me. He told me friends ain’t never lost. He ain’t seen Papa in five years and they’re still good friends; like Joey and me. Joey’s coming to stay with his grannie when school’s out and we’ll be together again. Ain’t that wonderful? See, the magic is working just like Mr. Breed said. He called it a Yuu’: that’s Apache for amulet. This one is…Nzhu ‘izee’: Good Medicine. I learned them Indian words from him this morning. He’s smart; he knows everything. I’m gonna be smart like that when I get big. He’s nice, Miss Beth. I like him. I hope you and him visit a long time.”
Beth was astonished by Lane’s mood and personality change, thanks to her lover. His sunny smiles could light up the darkest corner. With his prominent bone structure and features, the Apache amulet looked as if it belonged around his neck. As he ruffled his silky near-black hair and his hazel eyes danced with glee, he reminded her of…Beth’s heart pounded faster and harder by the minute. Her pulse raced as if liquid-fire filled her veins, then, a chill attacked her very soul. Her mouth and lips dried. Her chest and throat constricted. With Lane close and looking straight into her face for the first time, she realized who he favored, and it wasn’t either of his parents. “You’re nine years old, aren’t you?”
“Yes, ma’am. My birthday was last month, March thirteenth. Joey’s ten,” the boy added before focusing his attention on the amulet.
Beth glanced at it as Lane’s fingers traced the intricate and colorful design. Was it a gift of love from father to son? Had Jessica also given a special gift to his father, a farewell gift of herself? Or had the two been secret lovers during his stay at the ranch? Whichever was true, something had compelled a hasty marriage to Matt after her lover disappeared. Lane was the reason Jessica hadn’t waited for Navarro’s return after promising to do so! The timing was undeniable; Lane’s birth had occurred nine months after Navarro’s departure, with prison making his return impossible for five years. Since Jessica and Navarro were in love at that time, she wouldn’t have slept with Matt in June of ‘76, and she wasn’t married until later to the ex-foreman. Beth had no doubt as to who had fathered Lane.
Beth recalled Navarro’s odd reaction when the Cordell children were mentioned on the trail, and his sullen behavior this morning. Had he been watching Jessica and Lane, or only his lost son? Her heart ached at imagining the agony Navarro had endured five years ago when he learned the truth, as surely Matt had told him everything. It must have been hellish for her partner to find and lose a son in almost the same breath, to hear he bore Matt’s name and Matt had reared him as his own.
Beth’s heart also pained at how this reality affected her. She no longer had to imagine how discovering the bond between Jessica and Navarro would make her feel; without mercy, the truth had buried her alive. She hadn’t given Navarro something Jessica never had. In fact, it was the opposite, and would remain that way forever since she couldn’t have children. Surely Navarro would want a child one day to fill the gap Lane’s loss had created. She must accept that she couldn’t replace Jessica and Lane, and that Navarro would never be free of those powerful bonds. There wasn’t a rope around her rival to cut; there was a thick and wide metal band around him and his love and son. It was foolish and self-defeating for her to think she could sever it.
Beth glanced at the amulet that still held the boy’s concentration. It was a symbol of father and son’s shared Apache heritage, a closely guarded secret. Lane Cordell would never know about his real father, what the man had endured and the sacrifices he had made. Navarro must be pleased and relieved to see them happy; he must realize he made the right decision years ago. Yet, none could ease the total anguish of what could have been. She masked her own anguish, as Jessica would return soon. “That’s a wonderful gift, Lane; I hope you’ll always keep it and treasure it.”
“I will, Miss Beth; I won’t ever lose it or give it away. I’m hungry. I’m gonna go find Mama and see what time we eat.” He hurried upstairs.
“Miss” was what the children called her, and that’s what she was; the marriage to Navarro wasn’t real and would never be real. Beth had the urge to cry, to scream, to rant, to flee; she did none of those things. She reminded herself she was a Special Agent on a crucial mission. She was here to do a job. She wouldn’t blame or hate Jessica for what happened in the past; it must have been torment for her when she lost Navarro and when she discovered
her condition. It was a miracle Matt still wanted her, carrying another man’s child. No wonder all three were so nervous about seeing each other again. No wonder Navarro had stayed away from friends for years. But things seemed to be going fine because Navarro had a “wife” and he was no longer a threat to them.
But is that true, my love? Will you stay out of their lives now that you’ve seen them again and your hungers have returned? Can I ever become more than a friend, partner, and lover to you? I rode into this box canyon with my eyes open, so I shouldn’t have any regrets. I suspected you still loved her. But God help me, I never suspected this obstacle. If only—
“You ready to eat, Beth?”
She turned to face Jessica and smiled. “Sounds tempting to me. Lane says he’s starving. He’s got to build up his strength for playing with Joey.”
Lane hugged his mother and almost squealed, “He’s coming back, Mama! I can’t wait. Six weeks,” he grumbled.
Beth said, “They’ll pass quickly, Lane; you’ll see. Work hard in school and do your chores and June will be here before you know it.”
Later, Lance and Alice returned home and began playing in the front yard with the toys Beth had brought them. She and Jessica strolled to the porch to check on them. When the mother noticed that the youngest boy had both stuffed horses, she asked if he had Lane’s permission.
“He said I could, Mama.”
“Then, it’s fine.” To Beth, she said, “Lance and Lane are very close, thank goodness. They rarely squabble. They’re the same way with their sister. I’m lucky my children give me so little trouble.”
“Yes, you are. I’ve seen some fight like starving animals over meat; and some tease each other without mercy. Yes, you’re very lucky. But you’re also fine parents, Jessica, you and Matt; that’s why they’re so good.”
“That’s one of the nicest things anybody could say to me; thanks. I’m going to put on tea to boil. Want to join me or relax here for a while?”
Chase The Wind Page 32